


Descend

by LightAndHeat



Series: Descend/Ascend [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Bisexual Sirius Black, Canon Compliant, Chronic Pain, Drama & Romance, Dysfunctional Relationships, First Kiss, First Love, First War with Voldemort, Found Family, Friendship/Love, Gay Remus Lupin, Gen, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Mental Health Issues, Minor Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Post-Hogwarts, Recovery, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin-centric, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, The Gang living in muggle London, Undercover Missions, Werewolf Remus Lupin, after the first three chapters anyway, but not graphic or successful, the story of how Sirius could ever have believed Remus was the spy, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:28:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 96,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightAndHeat/pseuds/LightAndHeat
Summary: "Farewell, farewell! One kiss, and I'll descend." - Romeo and JulietRemus Lupin had experienced two great loves in his life, and both of them began with a kiss from Sirius Black.When two boys from troubled backgrounds fall in love, it feels like the beginning of something beautiful. The Marauders strut out into the world with bright eyes and brave hearts. As the mounting pressure of the war creeps into everyone's psyches, they all find ways to cope. Some better than others.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Descend/Ascend [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1941016
Comments: 95
Kudos: 117
Collections: i solemnly swear i up to no good





	1. Music and Mix Tapes

**Author's Note:**

> Addiction is a major theme in this story, and while I do not personally struggle with addiction, I have many people very close to me who do. As such, this is drawn largely from real experience and I aim to present this issue with authenticity and care. I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback on the matter!  
> Legitimately, even if you're just key smashing or listing the emotions you felt while reading. I cannot express how much I value comments of any kind.

Remus Lupin had experienced two great loves in his life, and both of them began with a kiss from Sirius Black.

The first was when he was 16. The summer before their final year at Hogwarts Sirius came to stay at Remus’ home in lieu of a joining the Potters on their visit to James’ Grandfather’s estate. Of course, Sirius had been more than welcome to come, as the Potter’s had repeatedly insisted. He knew they meant it too, but when Remus extended his alternative offer Sirius couldn’t bring himself to pass up the opportunity. He was not at all influenced by the knowledge that Peter was spending the summer abroad with his family and thus had surely turned down the invitation just as James had been forced to do, meaning it would be just Remus and Sirius alone. Alone for a whole week before the two of them both returned to James’ for the rest of the summer. 

Remus, of course, most certainly did not pick these exact dates specifically for this reason. He just wanted to see his friends. All his friends, equally. So, maybe he hadn’t been harboring a massive crush on James and Peter since he was 15, but since Sirius would never go for someone like him anyway it hardly mattered. In fact, Remus wasn’t even totally sure Sirius went for boys at all. He’d only had the one girlfriend as far as Remus knew, and a few minor dalliances with some others. He was a massive flirt with damn near everyone, but that didn’t necessarily mean much. It didn’t matter. They all knew perfectly well that Remus was gay and Sirius had never shown an ounce of interest regardless, so it clearly wasn’t an option. No, this was just a nice week between two close friends.

Remus sat anxiously watching the fireplace, awaiting his guest. His father popped his head around the wall from the kitchen, a little flour on his forehead. Lyall Lupin looked ever the picture of the gruff, working class Northerner, even as he asked his son if he thought his friend would prefer the purple or the red buttercream frosting on his cupcakes. Remus hadn’t the time to respond before the fireplace lit up with brilliant green flames. He shot up onto his feet, turning around and rifling quickly through the bookshelf to his left, as if he had been merely going about his day and not counting every second past midday that Sirius had been late. He didn’t catch his fathers’ smirk as he ducked back into the kitchen, leaving the boys alone for their reunion. 

The flames died down and Sirius stepped out, brushing soot from his clothes. It seems he’d been able to update his wardrobe since moving in with the Potter’s. He wore ripped black jeans and a studded leather jacket, curly dark hair flowing down below his shoulders. Remus looked down at his own ripped jeans, which had gotten to be in such a state through time and wear. Somehow the look didn’t feel as chic on him as it was on Sirius. Not that Sirius seemed to notice as he dumped his bag on the floor and walked excitedly over to Remus, pulling him into a bear hug. 

“Mate, you have no idea how good it is to see you. You know I love James like a brother but turns out living together without you or Peter means I have to listen to about 3 times as much heartsick pining over Lily. Driving me bloody mental.”

Sirius pulled out of the hug and stepped back, surveying his surroundings. Remus shuffled nervously. It was only a small house. More of a cottage really. It was all the space they needed for him and his father, but none of his friends had ever seen it before. It was run down, in need of some repairs. Not the kind of home any of them would have ever lived in themselves. Sirius, however, seemed delighted by it. The smell of cupcakes filled the air. Summer sunshine streamed in through the windows. There was love in this place.

“Moony, your place is brilliant!” Sirius declared loudly. Remus shushed him immediately. 

“I told you not to call me Moony here,” he whispered urgently. “Dad doesn’t know anyone knows about me.” Sirius looked sheepish.

“Right, right. I’ll keep my big mouth zipped for once hey?” He motioned zipping his lips with a wink. Remus just smiled nervously in response. 

“Let me show you around,” Remus said, grabbing Sirius’s wrist and dragging him towards the kitchen, pointing at things as they walked. “This is the living room, obviously, dining table just there. Backyard through that door. And here’s the kitchen,” he declared as they rounded the corner. 

Lyall turned around from his half-frosted cupcakes. He grabbed a mug off the bench and took a long sip, looking at Sirius. He felt oddly scrutinized as Lyall stared him down, face impassive. After a moment, Lyall extended a calloused hand. Sirius went to offer his own hand before realizing Remus still had a firm grasp on his wrist. Remus quickly let go. He stared anxiously as Sirius extended a hand to his father. Sirius responded to Lyall’s firm grip with one of his own, meeting his gaze steadily. If there’s one thing Black’s know, it’s power dynamics. Sirius felt a genuine desire to impress this man, though he couldn’t say exactly why. After a moment Lyall seemed satisfied and let the handshake go, turning back to his cupcakes. 

“Good to finally meet you son. Been wonderin’ when Rey would finally bring one of you lads round.”

Sirius shot a look at Remus and mouthed the word ‘Rey?’ Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head. He never liked that nickname. Sirius turned back to Lyall as he finished speaking. 

“It’s great to be here sir. Thank you for inviting me to your home.”

Lyall spun back around at the sound of Sirius’ accent.

“Bloody hell, I’ve been out in the country so long now I forgot it was possible to sound that posh.” Sirius blushed. “No offense lad don’t mean to make you self-conscious. No need to be putting on airs here though, let’s cut that ‘sir’ shite right out. Lyall’s fine.”

Remus smirked as Sirius let out a gruff sounding grunt of acknowledgment. He grabbed Sirius’ wrist again and dragged him back out of the kitchen, his dad reminding them that cupcakes would be ready in 15 minutes as they left. Remus dragged them both to his room, where his father had transfigured a muggle blow up mattress into a decently comfortable second bed. He grabbed Sirius’ bag from the living room as they had passed and dumped it on the spare bed. Remus closed the door and sat on his own bed, watching as Sirius immediately started rummaging through his cupboards and draws.

“So, Rey-”

“Fuck sake you are not calling me that-”

“what the hell is this?” Sirius asked as he pulled a cassette deck out of Remus’ cupboard.

“Oh, you’ll love this. Hand it over,” Remus said, already standing up and swiping it out of Sirius’ hand. Remus sat back down on his bed, Sirius sitting beside him. Remus rummaged through the draw of his bedside table and pulled out a series of labelled cassette tapes. It took him a few moments, but he found the one he was looking for and inserted it into the player. Sirius moved in closer, eyes alight as the sound of Lou Reed’s Take a Walk on the Wild Side drifted from the machine. Remus flushed, feeling Sirius pressed against his side.

“Music! Brilliant! How does it work?”

“It’s a muggle device, called a cassette player. You can get cassette tapes, just like getting vinyl records. I’ve never seen another wizard with one though. I only got it last year as a Christmas gift.”

“Oh, you know I love muggle records. I’ve been listening to that one you got me for my birthday last year pretty much non-stop.”

“The Ramones album? Yeah, I thought you’d like that,” Remus said with a hint of pride. “These aren’t like proper albums though; those are too expensive. This thing does something a record player can’t. Take a look.” 

Remus stopped the music and replaced the tape with another, unlabelled one. He turned on the wireless, also sat on his bedside table. He knew Sirius listened to muggle radio pretty often. Wizard radio always seemed to be at least a few years behind muggle trends, and never as exciting when they finally caught up. Remus lined everything up as the radio DJ finished making some quip or another. Remus pressed record as the sound of Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac filled the room. The two boys leaned into one another; eyes closed as they took it in. 

Music was something the two of them shared. James and Peter had just never had the same interest, especially not in the muggle stuff. The muggle wireless didn’t work out at Hogwarts (Remus had brought his first year and been bitterly disappointed) but in sixth year Sirius had brought his brand-new record player and a selection of records with him to school. From that moment on there was almost always music playing in the dorm. They would sit and listen for hours, even after James and Peter had gotten bored and left. Remus left Sirius with a list of records and bands to look into as they parted for the Christmas break. Sirius had come back with every single record on the list, and then some. 

As the song finished up, Remus stopped the recording and turned off the radio. Sirius watched curiously as he rewound the tape. Remus pressed play and Sirius gasped as Go Your Own Way played again from the start, though slightly grainier sounding. 

“It records. You can wait until they play whatever songs you’re looking for on the radio and record it all onto a mix tape. I’ve made loads of them. Here…” Remus ejected the tape and grabbed a marker. He scribbled something on the front of the tape before handing it to Sirius. 

Sirius looked curiously down at the tape and felt his chest flutter as he read Remus’ tidy scrawl; ‘R+S Summer of 77’

“You can fill it up with whatever songs you like over the next week.” 

“Oh.”

“Oh? I- maybe it’s stupid, I know you can just buy records, but you love this muggle stuff so I thought-”

“No, Remi, I think it’s amazing. You’re amazing.”

They both stared for a few moments, suddenly acutely aware of how close they were. Not that it mattered. They were always close. Sirius was a pretty touchy-feely guy, so it was hard to avoid. But this was the first time they’d been so close alone in Remus’ bedroom. On his bed, in his home. The moment was cut short as they heard the sound of Lyall’s voice, signalling the cupcakes were ready. Both boys bolted upright, heading right for the door.


	2. Perfect Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lupin's are masters at not saying what they feel. Sirius never really learned that skill.

The first two days had been a lot of that. Close moments, furtive looks. The truth is these moments had been happening for at least the last year, but Remus had always been able to rationalize it away. That was becoming harder to do all of a sudden, with the isolation (and honestly, the hormones) the whole issue seemed to have been kicked into overdrive. That was a skill of his, rationalizing. He could usually argue himself into and out of any truth he pleased when it came down to it. Rationally, he and Sirius shared a room. A friend group. As long as they were at school together, they pretty much shared their lives. If he was wrong, if he was reading the signals wrong and he acted on it he could blow it all up. He needed these people far more than they needed him. No, unless he was certain he had to keep it to himself. And how the fuck could he ever be certain that someone like Sirius could want someone like him? It was a silly idea. 

He’d caught onto the little smirks his father had been giving them, the way he watched. Once or twice, though he couldn’t be certain, he thought he saw fear in his father’s eyes. Remus knew his dad wanted him to be happy, but that fear of discovery always hung over them. Remus almost considered telling him that the secret was already out with his friends. They knew about his lycanthropy and protected him. It was okay, they were safe. He knew it would frighten him to know that he could be at risk at school though. They’d both been burned before by people who they thought accepted Remus. There was a reason his extended family were no longer in the picture. He decided it was best to leave his father in the dark for now. Remus was already on a roll with avoiding hard conversations and disruptive truths, why stop here?

On the third night, Remus and Sirius were sat at the little four-seater dining table. Lyall was busying himself in the kitchen with dinner. He was juggling between two simmering pots and a chopping board of vegetables. He let out a loud string of swears as he burned his finger, but quickly went back to work. Sirius had always found it odd that the otherwise polite and respectful Remus had the worst mouth of the whole group. He was actually the one that introduced the rest of them to the concept of casual swearing at the fresh, young age of 11. After spending some time around Lyall he was starting to see where Remus had learned it.

The smell of rosemary and garlic filled the kitchen. The radio was playing softly in the background, as it almost always was in the Lupin house, though the senior Lupin preferred his Elvis to his Ramones. 

Sirius was watching Lyall cook with great interest as he and Remus chatted idly. He eventually trailed off from the conversation, seemingly distracted. 

“Lyall, why don’t you use magic for that?”

“What’s that now lad?” Lyall asked as he spun around to face Sirius, who always seemed to get a little flustered whenever Lyall stared directly at him like that. It was a source of great entertainment for Remus and Lyall both.

“Your cooking. No offense, I mean, I don’t think it’s a problem. I’m not criticising, I love the food! I just- wouldn’t it be easier with magic? If you don’t mind me asking sir. Lyall, I mean.”

“That’s a pretty personal question don’t you think boy? Why don’t I just cut out the middleman and get a house elf in to cook for us?” asked Lyall with a serious look.  
Sirius just gaped for a moment, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to sputter out an apology. After a moment Lyall let out a laugh.

“I’m just fucking with you kid, relax.” Sirius looked fractionally more at ease. “My mum was a muggle, always took care of the cooking. She taught me how. Might be easier with magic, but where’s the fun in that?”

Sirius nodded skeptically as Lyall took long sip from his ever-present mug and returned to his cooking. He understood he supposed, though he didn’t really see the fun. He certainly wasn’t complaining as the scrumptious smelling roast was placed in front of him. He winced slightly as he caught the sour smell of whiskey coming off Lyall’s breath as he leaned over to set down the gravy boat. Remus caught the movement, just as he had the previous two nights. His dad didn’t notice. Or pretended not to, at least. They were very good at pretending not to notice in this house. Lyall took another sip from his mug before sitting down to a lovely meal.

A few hours later the boys were laying under the stars out in the yard, an easy silence between them. Remus lived out on property, no neighbours around for miles. It wasn’t well maintained land or a particularly desirable area, but it was private. Safe for transformations with the proper wards around the property’s perimeter. The stars were beautiful. Much nicer than the murky summer skies of London. They had brought the radio out with them. Gentle music filled the night.

Sirius hadn’t questioned the drinking at first, after all his parents and James’ alike both enjoyed a fine wine from time to time (though James’ parents were definitively more pleasant when tipsy). He thought the mug was a little odd. It’s not as if the Marauders themselves hadn’t all been sloshed at least a few times. They’d nicked a bottle of Firewhiskey from The Three Broomsticks once in fifth year, leading to a rather eventful night in the dorm that ended with Peter and himself doubled up over the toilet and shower respectively while a slurring James tried to comfort them. They’d repeated the experience with much better results a number of times since, often instigated by Remus who somehow always managed to out drink them all. Just like his dad, he always seemed to keep cheerful and in control, if a bit chattier and more impulsive.

No, the drinking itself didn’t really phase him. The silence on the other hand, the odd lack of acknowledgment, had him wondering. He looked around to double check they were alone. They were a fair way from the house.

“Hey Moony, what’s up with your dad?”

Remus sat up and shot Sirius a confused look.

“The mug full of whiskey I mean,” Sirius clarified as he sat up too.

Sirius didn’t catch the tension that shot through Remus’ body as he turned away slightly and started pulling at blades of grass. The Lupin’s may be experts at Not Talking About Things but unfortunately Sirius had no such skill. His family were more of the Yell Loudly About Things variety, though Sirius had blessedly not inherited the maliciousness that came with the bluntness. Well, unless you were Snape or his slimy pals.

“What about it?”

“I don’t know, that’s what I’m asking, I suppose.” A pause. “Does he drink like that all the time?”

Another, longer pause. 

“No, not really. Only sometimes, it’s not a big deal.” 

Remus was uncomfortably aware of Sirius’ scrutiny. Remus had always been an excellent liar, unlike Sirius who couldn’t tell a fib to save his life (or save him from detention.) It’s the reason Remus was always posted as lookout for their various pranks. Still, Sirius could read him better than anyone, with the possible exception of Lily Evans. Lily and Remus were frequent study buddies since well before she stopped hating James, much to his envy. They might not have known each other as well, but they seemed to understand each other on an unspoken level. Sirius, however, was a very close second. Close enough to know that Remus was currently full of shit.

“How long has this been going on?” 

Well, fuck. Remus had carefully calculated the risks of bringing one of his friends into his home life, and undue questions about his family situation was one he anticipated. He decided it was an acceptable trade-off for a week alone with his crush. Didn’t make it easier to talk about though. He let out a deep sigh and faced Sirius. 

“Since my mother passed, I suppose.” 

Sirius sucked in a breath. Remus’ mother had died suddenly in his second year. It had been a very bad year. He never brought it up. None of them did. His first transformation after the event had left him with one of his more prominent scars, running diagonally from just above his right eyebrow down to bellow his left cheekbone. That had been a hard one to explain away to the other students.

“It’s not so bad. Most of the time he’s just… well, you’ve seen. He works, he cooks, he drinks. A simple man, you know? He just doesn’t like to think about it. Any of it,” he said, gesturing to the waxing moon. Sirius understood. He knew Remus’ parents both had a hard time accepting his condition and the guilt that caused his friend. 

Of course, Sirius didn’t know he’d left out the part about his dad passing out with food in the oven and nearly burning the kitchen down. Or how he got fired from his last job because got wasted at work. No, best to keep some details private, Remus thought.

They were both quite for a moment as Sirius processed this new information. Sirius had more questions, but he sensed it was best not to push the subject. He switched instead to a more playful tack.

“You’re such a man of mystery, I’m honoured you’ve allowed me a glimpse behind the curation,” he said with a teasing smile. “So how much exactly do I not know about your life, Remus Lupin? What stories are you hiding behind that sexy, brooding exterior?”

Remus was grateful Sirius couldn’t see him blush in the darkness. Well, as long as they were sharing…

“I had a boyfriend.”

Sirius shot bolt upright at that, whacking Remus on the shoulder in indignation. Sad family matters were instantly forgotten. Just the effect Remus was hoping for.

“You what?! What do you mean had? When? Who? How could you even keep this a secret? Why would you- he wasn’t a Slytherin was he? You traitorous bastard!”

“He wasn’t from Hogwarts,” Remus laughed out, enjoying the reaction.

“Well then who the fuck-”

“A muggle. He works part time at the shops in town. We had a thing over the summer last year.”

“You- ‘a thing’? You had ‘a thing’? And why, exactly, am I just hearing about this now?”

Remus shrugged. “It wasn’t a big deal. Only lasted about a month.”

“Well, fuck, I don’t know how to process this. Was he hot?”

“Oh yeah. He’s captain of the high school… sports team? I don’t remember what sport. He told me he kind of hated it actually. Good looking, athletic, girls all over him. It made it hard to come up with excuses for not dating.”

“But he was dating. Why would he need excuses?”

Remus paused for a moment at Sirius’ confusion. He sometimes forgot just how sheltered his friends all were from the wider world.

“Because… well, I know wizards don’t really give a toss one way or the other, but muggles don’t really like the idea of two men being together. Or two women, I suppose. It can be downright dangerous to be gay in muggle society.” Remus got very quiet for a moment. “It’s actually the reason my dad’s cousin stopped speaking to us. He found out about me and blew a gasket. Told me I was going to hell. I don’t think I’ve ever seen dad that angry.”

Sirius, for the third time in the past half hour or less, was completely blindsided by his friend. What a sad and stupid thing to lose a family member over. He thought about his cousin, Andromeda, burned from the Black family tree.

“Fucking hell Moony. Any other bombs you want to drop on me tonight? You going to tell me you shagged this bloke too?”

Remus glanced at Sirius, a wry smile crossing his face as he said nothing. Sirius stared, shaking his head slowly as he stood up, pacing around beside Remus.

“No. No way. No way do you get your first shag and none of us know about it. You’re joking right now, aren’t you?”

“Afraid not, Padfoot.”

Sirius crouched down in front of Remus, putting one hand on each shoulder, a look of awe in his eyes.

“James is absolutely going to lose it when he finds out you did it before he did. I can tell him right? Please let me tell him.”

Remus rolled his eyes, still smiling.

“Fine, but you know he’s only still waiting because he’s ‘saving himself for the right girl’ and all that.” 

“Yeah but his romanticism doesn’t negate the fact that he’s a horny little bastard. Celibate by choice or not, it’s going to kill him, and you know it.”

“Just wait until Peter overtakes him. Then he’ll really fucking blow.”

“Ha!” Sirius barked as he dropped his hands from Remus’ shoulders. “Wait a second, last summer? You absolute fuck, that means you lost it before I did! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What, and miss this fun?”

“Was it just this one guy? Was he even the first?”

“Yes, Padfoot, just him. Don’t worry, I’m not some secret trollop.”

“Well?”

Remus stared blankly. “Well what?”

“How was it?”

“Fuck off. I’m not going to discuss that with you.”

“Why not, I told you all about Amy Green and I.”

“Yes you did, though you may not have noticed that I never actually asked.”

“Oh come on, at least tell me, what’s it like with a guy?”

“I don’t know, Sirius, what’s it like with a girl? Why do you care?” Remus asked, shifting uncomfortably. 

“First of all, it’s pretty great. Second of all, because-”

Now Sirius was looking uncomfortable. Remus felt his heart starting to race and his skin prickle.

“Well, because maybe I’d like to find out.”

“You never… you’ve never mentioned an interest in boys before,” said Remus cautiously. 

“Well maybe because… because there’s one boy in particular I’m interested in, but I’m not so sure how he’d feel about that, so it seemed like a good idea to just avoid the topic all together.”

Sirius was kneeling right in front of Remus now, their knees just barley touching. Remus met Sirius’ eyes and saw the same nervousness he felt in himself. He’s already revealed so much tonight, what’s one more truth?

“I think he’d be a fucking idiot if he didn’t want you back.”

It was already happening before Remus had time to register it. Sirius’ lips on his, his hand grasping at the back of his neck, pulling him closer. Remus kissed back, his whole body tingling. He brought his hands up, running them through Sirius’ thick hair. The air around them seemed to buzz with electricity. The song Perfect Day played on the radio. Later that week Sirius would call up the radio to specially request that song, the final addition to his new mix tape.

Even at the time, Remus knew that kiss had changed everything, though neither of them could have understood how much. It was the beginning of the first and greatest love of either of their lives. For all the pain that was yet to come there was no denying, it was a pretty fucking brilliant kiss.


	3. Making Up for Lost Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People keep walking in on Remus and Sirius. They figure that's as good a way as any to announce their relationship.

They spent the rest of the week all over each other. There was a brief discussion about taking it slow, but the idea was quickly dismissed. A year or so of wistfulness and pining was more than slow enough, they decided. Better to make up for lost time, and boy did they ever make up for it. 

His fling from the previous summer had spent most of their time together at Remus’ home, as the other boy was very much in the closet. As such, Remus was already used to the idea of his father seeing him with a partner, though Sirius was still uncharacteristically intimidated by the man. This led to Remus taking great joy in kissing him right as Lyall entered the room. Never much more than a quick peck, but enough to make Sirius all flustered and red.

Remus had his own share of embarrassment, though, when his father came home early from work one day to find the boys in a bit more of an intimate position than any of them were really comfortable with. That night had been a particularly silent dinner that ended with Remus dragging Sirius abruptly out of the room after Lyall was no longer able to suppress a fit of laughter. 

Lyall was, for the most part, very supportive of this new (though completely predictable, he thought) development. Though in a private moment with Remus he expressed his concern. Remus could see him building up to it. He’d been hitting the whiskey a little harder, the way he did on the rare occasions he tried broaching a difficult topic. The two of them were in the living room listening to the radio, Remus reading quietly while Sirius showered. Remus braced himself when the radio was suddenly switched off. He lowered his book and looked up at his father.

“Rey, I- You know, I like Sirius. He’s a good kid. A bit uptight, but sweet.”

Remus balked a little at that description of Sirius. He realized his father had no context for how Sirius usually was around authority figures (an absolute, unashamed menace) and didn’t understand that his reaction to Lyall was quite unusual. He pictured Sirius’ face hearing himself described as ‘uptight’ and had to hold in a laugh. Outwardly, he simply nodded along.

“You’re of age in a couple of months, and you’ll be finished school next year. Your mother and I… you were sent to Hogwarts so you could have a life. I want you to have that, but…”

“I know dad. Be careful.”

“It’s not that I don’t think you can trust him-”

“Dad, it’s okay. I understand. I do trust him though. I’ve known him since I was 11. It’s good. Really.”

Remus thought back to fifth year. The ‘prank’ with Snape. A month of Sirius begging forgiveness before Remus spoke a word to him again. Many months after that before he started letting his walls back down. He quickly pushed the thought out of his mind.

“He’d never do anything to hurt me.”

Lyall was still, seemingly mulling the words over in his mind. His son spoke with such certainty.

“Good. That’s good son.”

Lyall switched the radio back on and Remus returned to his book.

Later that afternoon Lyall took Sirius out and showed him one of the old motorbikes he had stored away in the shed. Remus didn’t join in as he’d never much had the taste for it, but his dad loved mechanical things and when Sirius expressed an interest, he jumped at the chance to show off. Sirius had seen motorbikes on album covers and always thought they looked very cool.

He took to it immediately. As much as he loved to fly, there was something about the roar of the engine and the power it generated that even a broomstick couldn’t quite match.

“See what I mean lad? The muggle way isn’t always easier, but sometimes it’s a damn sight more fun.”

By the time the boys were ready to flu to James’, they figured it had been a pretty successful week.

They arrived at James’ about two hours after Peter. They decided to forego the fuss of announcing the new relationship (and enjoy the drama of watching them all figure it out). It took James’ parents all of an afternoon to pick up on the change in their dynamic. They respected the boys silence on the matter.

Peter took about two days before he was really sure. He watched the little touches, the way they would disappear together and come back a little flushed. He waited until he was relatively certain to confront them, at which point they swore him to secrecy. Peter was torn between his immense loyalty to James and their shared desire to mess with him. 

“He’s our friend! He won’t be happy that you’ve lied to him.”

“It’s not lying, Peter, just an omission. It’s not our fault that James is shit at noticing anything outside of himself,” reasoned Remus.

“Come on Wormtail, don’t you want to be able to gloat that you figured it out before him?” asked Sirius.

“I… I suppose it would be nice to beat him at something for once. His face gets all blotchy when he loses, it’s pretty funny.’”

“That’s the spirit! Besides if you mess with our fun, I’m going to put a permanent moisture charm on every pair of socks you own,” Sirius said, clapping Peter jovially on the shoulder.

Peter came around to their point of view. Remus and Sirius were actually quite impressed with how easily he managed to lie once he’d decided to do it. They’d thought for sure he’d give it up.

It was a full week and a half into their stay before James figured it out. Though, he didn’t so much ‘figure it out’ as barge uninvited into Sirius’ room moments before things were about to escalate from snogging. The door burst open to reveal James carrying a folded shirt and a few pairs of socks in his hands.

“A few of your clothes got mixed in with my-”

He dropped the clothes unceremoniously on the floor as he registered the scene before him. Remus was tucking his shirt in with one hand and pushing Sirius off him with another. Sirius just rolled over lazily, flipping his hair out of his face.

“Thanks for the clothes Prongs, you need anything else?”

James gaped at them, jaw hanging open. He ran his hands through his messy black hair before taking off his glasses and wiping them on his sleeve. He put them back on and continued to stare.

“Shit Padfoot, I think we broke him,” said Remus, still a little short of breath.

Sirius reached over and grabbed the nearest solid object from his dresser, a kitschy little snow globe. He tossed it full pelt directly at James’ face, who reached up and caught it with lightning fast reflexes before dropping it down with the clothes. He closed his mouth and pursed his lips in a way that eerily resembled Minerva McGonagall right before taking house points.

“And how long has _this_ been going on?” asked James, gesturing dramatically at his friends. 

Remus and Sirius looked at each other with raised brows.

“Oh I don’t know around-” “Let’s see, if you count back from-” “yeah carry the one and-” Sirius looked back at James. “Since third year?” Remus nodded in agreement.

James opened his mouth again, then closed it, then opened it, his brown skin starting to look splotchy just as Peter had described. For a split second he even looked as if he believed them. As if he could have really been that thick. It passed quickly.

“You hooked up at Moony’s place, then,” he said, pointing at Remus.

“Can’t get anything past you, Prongs,” Remus snarked.

“Well fucking finally!” 

“What?” asked both boys simultaneously. “What do you mean ‘finally’?” clarified Remus.

“I mean finally. I don’t think I could’ve taken another year of your lovesick pining. Pathetic, the both of you.”

Remus huffed indignantly while Sirius stood up and stared James down, speaking in a low, menacing voice.

“ _Our_ lovesick pining? _Our_ pining, you mushy, whiny, poetry writing, simpering, love obsessed, absolute pratt! You hypocritical git! You… you- Moony help me out here.”

“Only virgin in this room,” Remus supplied, still lying on the bed.

“I take offe- wait what? Only what in the what now?”

James didn’t have time to question further as a pillow went flying full force at his face, knocking his glasses onto the floor. In a flurry Sirius was on him, armed with another pillow generously tossed to him by Remus. 

The rest of the holiday finished out on a decidedly high note.

From then on, that was it. They were Remus and Sirius. A couple. Partners. 

As the year progressed, James managed to finally win Lily over. Probably because he decided, in a great display of maturity, to back off and just be her friend. This move made him about ten times less annoying to be around and allowed her to finally feel comfortable taking that next step. This delighted Remus especially, as it meant even more time spent with his closest friend outside the group. 

Peter had never much been the dating type. He actually confessed to them all during one of their little dorm parties that he didn’t think he liked boys or girls or anyone really and was very relieved when his friends assured him that this was a perfectly reasonable thing to feel. He was more than happy to float along with his friends and enjoy their final year of school. 

It was all coming together. Even as the world outside of the walls of Hogwarts was growing darker, for the Marauders and their friends, the future could not have felt brighter.


	4. Love Languages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The looming shadow of war meets the bright city lights as the Marauders navigate their first year out of school.

Remus found his second great love during the war. With a kiss from Sirius he found the thing that would keep him warm in those long, hard years he did not yet know he would be facing alone.

After school, they’d all got a place together. A cramped share house with the Marauders and Lily and a steady stream of friends coming and going at all hours. It was incredible. A home that was always alive. Potluck dinners, wild parties, and lazy days with loving friends. Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadows in particular practically lived on their couch for a time. Bright eyed young revolutionaries that they were, every one of them volunteered themselves to the service of the Order of the Phoenix, with most of them having been personally approached by Dumbledore. For that first year the increasing reports of violence, disappearances, the encroaching fear of a growing war, it was almost exciting. Beneath the fear, there seemed to be this feeling, unspoken but shared between all of them to a certain degree. A feeling that they were untouchable. 

James and Sirius were in Auror training, working under Alastor Moody himself at times. Moody wouldn’t tolerate even a hint of arrogance from his trainees. Of course, James and Sirius were both convinced of their own brilliance, ready to rush into any danger without a thought. They often complained that their superiors were holding them back because of their age. Insistent that they knew what they were doing. Peter, who had gotten an internship at the Ministry, often joined in their whining and only served to rile them up further. Lily on the other hand, (working in an apprenticeship with a renowned potioneer) had no qualms with calling them all idiots.

“He knows what he’s doing James, Moody’s a legend.”

“Of course he’s a legend Lil, but he treats Padfoot and I like we’re children!”

“You’re 18 James, you are children. You should be bloody thankful you got this position so young. They’re only taking on so many new recruits because of the war.”

Remus never participated in these often heated exchanges, though if asked directly, he made no secret of being on Lily’s side. James and Sirius quickly stopped asking for his input.

As the year progressed, Remus found himself increasingly disengaging with any discussions around work. At first it didn’t bother him. He was genuinely delighted to see his friends doing so well in their budding careers. Every one of them deserved it and worked hard at what they did. As the months dragged on, however, and he was still unable to find steady work, it became harder and harder not to feel left behind. This was not made any easier by sympathetic reassurances his friends felt the need to ply him with every time the topic came up. 

The truth is, he had been somewhat spoiled by his time at Hogwarts. In the confines of the school he had almost come to believe that it was possible for him to have something like a normal life, to participate in wizarding society as if he belonged. It became quickly apparent that this had been a fantasy. The rest of the world was not Hogwarts, and his potential employers were not Dumbledore. His name was on the Werewolf Registry with the Department of Magical Creatures. While he could keep his secret from the general public, the disclosure laws meant that employers could access this information with ease. Any work at the Ministry was, by law, impossible, which nullified most of the connections that could have given him a boost. He had several job interviews go very well over those first six months. Not a single one had contacted him past the background check stage of recruitment. Never mind his exceptional scores on his NEWTS, or his gift with languages, or his outstanding work ethic and glowing referrals. 

The first few times every one of them had been in a rage. Remus honestly thought Sirius might track down and hex one or two of the offenders, and the rest of them hardly seemed inclined to stop him. At first Remus found their anger on his behalf comforting, but he very quickly grew tired of having to reassure them all that yes, they can do this, no he can’t stop them, and yes, he is fine, and no, committing acts of violence on behalf of a werewolf would most certainly not help ease systemic discrimination.

“I don’t understand how you can be so calm about this, Moony! I want to kill them and it’s not even happening to me!”

“Pads, if I let myself feel bad every time a witch or wizard treated lycanthropes as sub-human I’d have thrown myself off the astronomy tower years ago.”

“Moony,” said James, “I don’t think I tell you enough how much I love and respect you and also you need to stop saying deeply concerning things like that because nobody can tell if you’re joking.”

After the fifth or sixth time the anger started to shift into something that seemed far too close to pity for Remus to tolerate. He would quietly nod along and change the subject swiftly. The pity only got worse after one particularly nasty bookstore owner from Diagon Alley sent a howler instructing him that the world would be a better place if ‘creatures’ like him would just do the right thing and off themselves (“See?” Remus said bitterly. “She gets it”). They all knew it wasn’t the first time Remus had heard such sentiments directed at himself, but it was the first time the rest of them had been there to hear it. Even Sirius was too concerned for him to rage, which only served to annoy him more. 

After an uncharacteristic (and alcohol fueled) outburst of frustration and anger from Remus about six months into the whole ordeal, they started just avoiding the subject all together.

Still, apart from this one issue, it was probably the best year of his life. Of all their lives. He managed to pick up work in a bar in muggle London, and the whole group would often spend their nights out enjoying discounted drinks before going out dancing together. Night shifts often meant he was home during the day while everyone else worked, so they didn’t notice just how often his drinking continued into the next day. That was okay, though. He preferred it that way. Not like he had anything better to do with his time. Besides, they were all reveling in their new found freedoms and the many intoxicating things that the city had to offer. 

Remus and Sirius became entrenched in the local music scene, amazed at the constantly changing and shifting subcultures that the muggles were involved in. They soaked it all in, getting lost in the energy of the crowds and the thrum of the music at live show after live show. Getting lost in each other. 

Neither Remus nor Sirius were inclined towards overt expressions of affection. Remus came from a family that struggled with ‘I love you’ and Sirius came from a family that reveled in ‘I hate you.’ As such, the two had not yet said the words out loud. They’d said it a million times in a million other ways, but not the words themselves. The more time they spent in such close proximity with other happy couples, the more self-conscious they both became about that fact. 

James and Lily were both the type of people to tell everyone they loved them on a daily basis. Friends, family, whatever random stranger they ended up in some deep conversation with at a party. Every single time they said it, they meant it. They said it so frequently and with such sincerity that neither of them even remembered the first time they said it to each other. 

Marlene and Dorcas certainly weren’t any help. Those two lived to make people uncomfortable with their aggressive PDA. Dorcas was a half blood and no longer spoke to her muggle grandparents who had reacted poorly to her coming out. As such, she made a bit of a point of being as affectionate with her girlfriend as possible, just to spite the people who were upset by it. It actually caused some trouble when they were out in public that very nearly resulted in her hexing a bunch of muggles for yelling out slurs at her. She was only stopped by Sirius punching the loudest man in the face. As for Marlene, far from being sentimental, she was just a complete shit stirrer. When Sirius drunkenly confessed to her one night that he was concerned about not saying ‘I love you’ she took it as a challenge. She started saying it loudly and pointedly to Dorcas every other sentence whenever they were visiting, shooting Sirius significant looks just to make him squirm. 

When they finally said it, after having agonized privately and separately, it turned out to be rather anticlimactic. They were out after a gig, ears ringing from standing close to the speakers. They were tipsy and happy, strolling lazily in the cool night by the Thames. They had been silent for a while. An easy, peaceful silence. For no reason in particular Remus felt a sudden rush of courage and just sort of… blurted it out.

“I love you,” he declared.

Sirius stopped walking and turned to face him. Remus stopped too. He’d expected to be anxious as he waited for Sirius’ response, but surprisingly he felt completely at ease.

“I love you too,” replied Sirius with no hesitation.

They stood silently for a few moments, just staring. Then they started to laugh. This continued on for a few more seconds before they just shook their heads and went back to walking.

“Seems kind of obvious, doesn’t it,” Remus said as they walked.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s not like we didn’t already know,” Sirius agreed.

And so it went. They never did become the couple that said ‘I love you’ every day. They still preferred to show it in other ways. Sirius through his constant, gentle touches. Remus through his time and thoughtful actions. Still, once every couple of months or so one or the other would just blurt out the words, apparently out of nowhere, and receive a response in kind.

It really was, all things considered, a fucking fantastic year. The city felt so alive, and themselves more alive than anything. The growing danger of the war only served to make it more exciting. They all felt a little bit invincible. 

At the end of that first year, it all fell apart for the first time. Mortality is never a lesson learned with ease.


	5. Transformations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tragedy comes calling and everyone answers in different ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is a bit of a filler chapter. It has its moments, but the next one starts to really get into the good stuff. This is also turning out to be a longer story than I was anticipating, which I'm excited about! It also means I'm updating more frequently since I'm just writing non-stop haha. I can't wait for you to read some of the stuff that's coming up!  
> Thank you so much to the people who have commented so far. It really means a lot to me and motivates me so much. <3

The Prewett’s. Gideon and Fabian, they had all met them at the Order meetings. The two brothers were kind, good humoured people who never failed to break the tension with a joke. None of the Marauders were overly close with them, but they had been friendly. Gideon had shown James and Lily pictures of their young nephews, the little redheaded Weasley boys who looked remarkably like their uncles. Sirius and Fabian had placed one or two bets over quidditch matches. Remus and Peter had bantered along with the rest of them. The Prewett’s were generally well liked, particularly good friends with Frank and Alice Longbottom, and close with Hagrid from their own days as students. 

No, the Marauders may not have been overly close, but they knew them. They were real, living, breathing parts of their lives.

Until the day they weren’t. 

The Prewett’s were the first members of the Order that they had personally known to have died since they all officially joined.

Not died; murdered. They were murdered. Of course, there had been many victims of the war already. Deaths, disappearances, but none so close to home. And in such a brutal way… it didn’t bear thinking about.

None of them were stupid, they all understood the risks when they joined up to fight. This was different, though. This wasn’t death on a conceptual level. This was not some ephemeral thing. This was Frank Longbottom, a respected, competent Auror who had helped with Sirius and James’ own training, leaving in the middle of a meeting because he couldn’t stop himself from weeping. This was a funeral that had to be protected by undercover Order members to make sure the rest of the family weren’t next. This was two people they had all laughed with suddenly absent, with a darkness filling up the space they used to occupy. Remus thought of their sister telling her small children that their beloved uncles would never come back.

They had attended the wake. One of their nephews, a little boy, only nine or ten. He came up to Remus and asked him about his scars. Introduced himself as Bill.

"I'm going to tell you a secret, Bill, and you can't tell anyone else, you promise?" The boy nodded emphatically. "I got these scars fighting a dragon."

The kids eyes widened dramatically. "My brother loves dragons. He'd be real upset if he heard that you fought one."

Remus cracked a smile. Bill smiled back. He glanced back over to a woman with bright red hair that Remus vaguely recognized as the Prewett's sister. She stared vacantly, not seeming to notice the fussing of the two little baby boys she held in her arms. Bill looked on sadly and Remus felt his heart breaking for them all.

"I should go help mum. Good to meet you," he said, exceedingly polite. Remus just smiled sadly at him.

In an instant, James and Sirius lost any vestiges of cockiness. Moody’s catch cry of Constant Vigilance stopped being the subject of jokes and became a message that they took deeply to heart. Any sense of excitement that danger brought was quickly replaced by fear and outrage. More than that though, was a fierce desire to love and protect. This manifested differently in each of them.

Peter moved back in with his parents, afraid that family members could be targeted and desperate to be close by in case they needed his protection. He had always been fiercely loyal to his family, a well loved only child, much like James. His work for the Order involved being a set of eyes and ears in the Ministry department he worked for. Peter had always had a knack for staying under the radar, and he used this to his advantage. He was grateful to be able to keep such a low profile. The less attention that was on him, the less attention that could fall on those he loved.

Lily, in a move that shocked everyone, proposed to James. Of course, James had been talking to his friends for most of the last year about his desire to propose. They had all told him to come off it and stop trying to scare Lily away. She had more sense than to get married while she was still a teenager. As it turns out, she did not. With the mounting pressure and ever-present threat of impending doom, Lily Evans wanted nothing more than to hold onto love. Defiantly, boldly, with passion and power she declared to the world that no fear or oppression could be greater than love. That to declare their love, in the form of a wedding, was an act of rebellion and hope. James agreed with no hesitation. Lily Evans became Lily Evans Potter, the muggle-born girl taking on the name and legacy of one of the oldest and most esteemed pure blood families in England. They put a marriage announcement in the Daily Prophet the day after the wedding. The two of them got their own home, out in the suburbs, diving headfirst into adult life almost overnight. The urge to find stability in the chaos saw them drift away from the partying lifestyle that had dominated the previous year.

For Remus and Sirius, things took a decidedly different turn. In amongst the chaos, Sirius received notification that he had inherited a small flat in the city, left to him by his Uncle Alphard. The young men moved in together. Far from tragedy spurring on a desire for stable adulthood, they now saw very little reason to do anything other than enjoy the youth that they could lose at any moment. They were very happy for their friends, of course, but James and Lily had come from very steady, loving homes (Lily’s ghastly sister and brother-in-law aside). A quiet, family-oriented life is very appealing to those for whom family and home have always been a comfort. For those of whom stability was even possible. This was not them. No, Remus and Sirius had a lot of pain to work out of their systems before even considering the possibility of settling down. Not that either of them would have put it in those terms. Emotional honesty and vulnerability were not the defining traits of the newly founded Black/Lupin household.

If you’d asked Sirius, he would have just told you he had to live all of the life he could possibly muster just to prove to death he wouldn’t go quietly. For him that meant work hard, play hard. Throwing himself passionately into his work for the Order and protecting those he loved, and just as passionately into every little joy life could offer. The city lights, the magic of music, the spirit of rebellion and the energy of the punk movement, good food, good fashion, good people, a good fight with any motherfucker who made the mistake of spouting bigoted views in his presence or the unfortunate muggles who so much as looked sideways at him and his boyfriend, great sex with the man he loved. Sleep? Rest? Balance? There would be time for that later.

If you’d asked Remus why he lived the way he did, he would have changed the subject all together. Yes, he’s getting plenty of sleep, thanks for asking. Yes, he’s been out every night this week but it’s all in good fun. Yes, it’s fine that he’s just had to find yet another shitty bar tending gig because his monthly absences cost him the last one. Yes, he’s been smoking weed on the regular, but it helps with the pain of his transformations and he knew the rest of them indulged from time to time anyway. Yes, he’s been drinking his lunches when Sirius is at work, but it’s not like anyone is around to see him do it. Yes, Dumbledore just told him he needed him to go undercover with one of the werewolf packs, and no he couldn’t under any circumstances tell his friends or his partner where he was going. But it’s fine. It’s all fine. It was rare he was truly good for anything and downright unheard of for his lycanthropy to be beneficial in some way. Never mind that the werewolf packs were some of the most notoriously dangerous, violent, and impoverished communities in the world. There were people suffering and dying at the hands of Death Eaters. People he loved at risk. What right did he have to feel bad about his part in stopping that kind of evil?

He told Sirius he was going to stay with his father for a few weeks. He was sick (which was true) and needed Remus to help install some accommodations in the home (which was a lie). Sirius understood and supported him, being quite fond of Lyall himself. His just trusted Remus without question. Showed him nothing but compassion. It made him feel like shit. 

In the days before he was set to leave, Sirius could feel his partners growing anxiety. His job was to gather information about this pack and their potential willingness to join Fenrir Greyback in his support of Voldemort, and to sow the seeds of discontent against him if they had not already been swayed. Dumbledore had assured Remus that the chances of him running into Greyback himself on this particular mission were slim to none. Remus couldn’t imagine where Dumbledore was getting his sources, as non-lycanthropes were strictly not allowed anywhere near the packs and werewolves who were allied with wizarding communities were exceedingly rare. There was a reason that Remus was the only person capable of doing this mission. Still, he desperately wanted to believe Dumbledore. He couldn't imagine what he would do if he came face to face with the monster who turned him. He couldn't even think of it without feeling sick to his stomach. 

He was to go in the week leading up to his transformation, and to spend the full moon with the pack. It was a necessary ritual to gain trust and acceptance. He had not felt this kind of fear about an upcoming transformation since his first month at Hogwarts. It was the first time he had undergone the process without his parents around. Full moon days were the only days his mother permitted mention of his condition. On those days she would shower him with love and tell him over and over what a brave, strong boy he was, then they would not speak of it again until the next month. That first time, alone in the Shrieking Shack, with nobody to hold him and tell him he was strong enough to make it through… it had been one of the longest nights of his life. That was how he felt leading up to the mission.

Sirius sensed Remus’ growing anxiety, but he attributed it to his father’s illness, as well as the fact that Remus would be away for his transformation. It would be the first time in a long time that he hadn’t had at least one of the Marauders with him while he transformed. Sirius offered to come and stay for the night of the full moon, but Remus declined. Naturally, he couldn’t tell Sirius that it was due to the fact he would actually be spending it with a pack of exiled werewolves. Instead he just assured Sirius that he would be okay, and it was better not to risk his dad finding out that Sirius was an unregistered Animagus. Sirius reluctantly agreed.

The night before his departure, the pair of them got riotously drunk. They lay in bed for hours in that state, Sirius holding Remus in his arms. Sirius had put on Remus’ favorite record, The Velvet Underground and Nico, and they listened to it on repeat until they both fell into a fitful sleep.


	6. Stay With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius wants to have a conversation. Remus would really rather not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, arriving at that juicey angst. We knew we'd be getting here eventually. Honestly, this is really just the start. We've got a rough road ahead for our boys, but I swear there's sweetness still to be had.

When Remus came back, he was different. There was no doubt about it. 

Sirius knew it was hard for him to see his father sick, but he hadn’t anticipated it would hit him quite so hard. He’d never seen his partner so agitated. It usually took quite a lot to get Remus riled up. The rest of them, not so much. Sirius in particular got heated over the smallest things, a fact that he was well aware of and that had only grown worse over the past months. 

Remus had always been a calming force in all of his friends lives. He was sensible. Not necessarily sensible in the way people outside of his friends often assumed. He wasn’t stuffy or above breaking rules, and in actuality was often the first one to suggest it, but he always had a reason. He broke rules because he wanted something from it, or because he found them oppressive or unfair, or out of loyalty to his friends. Remus did not do rebellion for rebellions sake. He did not do unnecessary conflict. In fact, he was a master at diffusing conflict in others. The kind of person you wanted around in a crisis.

That Remus, the one person who was always capable of keeping Sirius grounded, was not the person who came home after those three weeks away. The person who came home was tense. He was twitchy, wound tight. Snapping at Sirius over unwashed dishes in one breath and begging him to stay home from work in the next. Sirius could see that he was in pain and did the very best he could to be patient. He knew he could be a temperamental person to live with, especially lately, so it only seemed fair that he return the kindness that was so often shown to him. 

Sirius had tried just asking him to talk about it, but Remus seemed pretty adamant that he didn’t want to do that. Not that he ever outright refused to talk. He would just strategically find ways to maneuver out of the conversation. One way in particular. 

Sirius wasn’t going to whine about having an active sex life. If that’s how Remus wanted to work through his issues, then who was he to complain. Sometimes he felt it, the desperation that lingered on the edge of every touch. Sometimes he was afraid of what he would hear if he said no, if he pushed Remus into actually talking. He didn’t start to grow truly concerned, though, until he got home after a particularly long workday only to find a light haze and the smell of smoke wafting out from under the front door.

He had his wand out in an instant.

Sirius’ training kicked in. He blasted the front door open. He stepped into the flat. Pressed his back against the wall. He was ready.

“Show yourself!” he called into the smoke.

All he could hear was the blood rushing through his ears. 

Sirius was a split second away from firing off a curse as his eyes landed on a very alarmed looking Remus standing in the kitchen, hands raised in a defensive stance.

“Fuck Moony!” he yelled as he dropped his wand arm down. “I almost stunned you!”

Remus was breathing fast and heavy. Sirius noticed a slight shake in his hands, mirroring the tremor in his own. 

He looked around, taking stock of the scene before him. There was a blackened pot sitting in the sink. The smoke alarm had been knocked off the roof, left dangling by a couple of wires. There was a smashed glass on the floor in a puddle of amber liquid.

“Been cooking, have you?” asked Sirius with a raised eyebrow. An edge of panic lingered in his voice.

Remus slowly lowered his hands, breathing still shallow. He nodded.

“Thought I’d give it a go,” he said slowly.

“Looks like it went well.”

“It’s ready if you want a plate,” Remus responded, gesturing to the burnt mess in the sink.

“Tempting, but I’m thinking Pizza?”

Remus had attempted to cook a few times in the past. Despite his father’s prowess in the kitchen, he’d never been able to master the skill. He was useless at potions, too. Sirius figured this latest attempt was a way to work through the feelings about his father’s illness. It clearly hadn’t gone well. 

Probably didn’t help to have a frightened Auror suddenly yelling and pointing a wand at you. Nothing like a joint panic attack to kick off a night.

Remus was still looking a little dazed as Sirius turned his attention to the broken glass around his bare feet. He must have dropped it when the door was blasted. Remus noticed him looking. He seemed to snap out of it a bit.

“Right, sorry about the mess.”

Remus bent down to start picking up the shards. Sirius walked over to help. As he leaned down, he caught the scent of Firewhisky mixing unpleasantly with the smoke. It wasn’t unusual for one or both of them to have a glass of an evening. Or a few glasses. Many, many glasses. Sirius was hardly one to judge. But still, maybe it was time for them to both take a night or two off. Things had been getting a little intense, even for him.

“I see you’ve been employing Lyall’s favourite cooking technique. Shame it didn’t replicate his usual results,” Sirius teased.

Remus tensed up, accidentally gripping a shard of glass as he did so. He hissed in a sharp breath and dropped the handful of glass. A few drops of blood dribbled through his fingers.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, reaching out to examine the wound. “Dumb joke.”

Sirius performed a quick healing spell on the small cut. Remus just sat quietly as he vanished the rest of the glass. 

Sirius had attributed his dazed state to panic, but he was realizing that Remus had probably already gone through a few drinks before he showed up.

Drunk Remus was usually much more fun than this. He was usually chatty, sometimes annoyingly so. Going on long rants about whatever topic he’d been researching that week. He was impulsive, but not destructive. This silent, spacey thing he had going on was making Sirius nervous.

After he finished cleaning, he opened the door to their tiny terrace balcony to help air out the smoke. He then went back to Remus, who was still sitting on the floor, and reached out a hand. Remus stared blankly for a moment before reaching back and allowing himself to be led out to the terrace. For a little while they just stood in silence, Sirius still holding onto Remus’ hand.

“So… I know things have been a bit stressful lately, and I’m sure everything with your dad is making it-“

Sirius was cut short as Remus kissed him, pushing him back against the brick wall in one swift move. His hands were already reaching down to his belt when Sirius pushed him back. Sirius could taste the liquor on him.

“Woah, Moony, slow down a second!”

Remus looked a little offended. He backed off and went to go inside. Sirius grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Hey, what the fuck is going on with you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit. You’ve been all over the place these last two weeks and every time I try to talk you just shut me up with sex!”

“Sounds like you’re really suffering.”

“Don’t try to pick a fight with me. Is it that bloody hard to just have a conversation?”

“A conversation about what? War’s shit, dads dying, I can’t keep a job and my boyfriend won’t fuck me. What else is there to say?” 

Sirius could feel his irritation rising. He couldn’t stand self-pity. Sure, he kind of pitied Remus’ unfortunate circumstances, but he was so used to his partner just bucking up and pulling through. He was not enjoying this side of him. It was obnoxious. Sirius was well aware that he was being a massive asshole by feeling that, which is why he kept it to himself. Not like he could help that his gut reaction to weakness was disgust. It was probably something he needed to work on. 

“Maybe we should try this again when you’ve sobered up,” he said, not quite keeping the judgment out of his voice.

“Sorry I’m so fucking difficult to deal with, Pads. I can do stupid shit, like getting wasted and getting in a punch on with a stranger over a fucking football match even though I don’t know what the fuck football is. No! Wait! That was you last week.”

It took everything Sirius had not to take the bait. As Remus had so clearly illustrated, he was never good at walking away from a fight. Usually he was the one starting them. Sirius was a fraction of a second from losing it, so he did what he wouldn't do for almost anyone else. He decided to walk away.

He was about ten steps inside when he heard his name. He turned around to see Remus with his back to him, staring out over the city bellow. For a moment he thought he had misheard. Then Remus spoke again.

“Stay with me. Please.” The final word was barely above a whisper.

Sirius hesitated for a moment. He was exhausted. All he really wanted was to go to bed. He turned and walked away, leaving Remus to stare down at the pavement six floors beneath him. 

A few moments later Remus heard music drifting in from the living room. A moment after that he felt a hand on his shoulder. Sirius took a long swig of Firewhisky before handing the half empty bottle to Remus. He put his arms around his waist, holding him close.

The next morning Sirius downed a quick hangover cure potion before work. They always kept a stock in the medicine cabinet.


	7. War and Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus swears he's in control, but the cracks are starting to show.

It became some kind of sick routine.

Remus would go away for a few weeks to his dads. He would come back pissy and depressed. They would fuck, they would fight, lather, rinse, and repeat. Sometimes his moods would only last a day or two, sometimes weeks. Sirius tried to be compassionate and patient, but the more time went on, the harder he was finding it. He felt very guilty about this, which only served to piss him off more.

Eventually, though, Remus would seem to snap himself out of it and they would settle back into some sense of normalcy. Then he would go on another mission and repeat the cycle all over again.

Remus knew how awful he was being. He just didn’t know how to stop himself. His whole life he’d managed to keep control but this. This was too much. It was hard enough just being himself, with all of the secrets and lies that his existence entailed. Lying to Sirius, it was more than he could handle.

After one particularly brutal mission (a small child, only five years old, parents that didn’t want him anymore, caught in the middle of a violent brawl, have to protect him, have to keep him safe) Remus had gone straight to Hogwarts to confront Dumbledore himself. He’d marched into the school, still bloody, barely a coherent thought in his head. Professor McGonagall had met him as he got to the entrance hall and quickly ushered him to the headmaster’s office, out of sight of curious students.

He’d told Dumbledore he couldn’t do it anymore. He had to tell his friends. To tell Sirius. He couldn’t keep it all inside or there would be nothing of him left.

“You of all people understand that some secrets must be kept for our own safety,” Dumbledore had said when Remus had finally calmed down. He rested a kind hand on Remus’ shoulder.

“Sirius has always kept my secrets.”

“Except he hasn’t,” Dumbledore reminded him. “A youthful indiscretion, undoubtedly. I know as well as you that Sirius is a good man, but now is the time for caution. As Severus Snape can attest, Sirius can be reckless when feeling clouds his judgment.”

It was hard to say no to the man who had given him everything in life. Especially after seeing such an intimate portrait (a little boy, bright red staining his dirty clothes) of who he might have been had he never gone to Hogwarts. He'd already betrayed Dumbledore's trust so many times.

McGonagall had escorted him down to the front gates, but not before taking him to Madam Pomfrey first. Both women had offered supportive words. The healer had insisted on a private chat before he left.

“I’m not here to judge you Remus, but some of these diagnostic spells aren’t painting a pretty picture about what you’re putting in your body,” she said as she healed up the freshest of his wounds.

He flushed with embarrassment, feeling much like an unruly child being chastised by their mother.

“You’re an adult now, so I won't tell you what to do. I know you're dealing with hard things, but be careful.”

She had insisted on a parting hug.

So he hadn’t told Sirius about the missions. In the end he decided it probably wasn’t fair to burden him, anyway. Sirius didn’t need that fear on top of everything else he had to deal with.

It didn’t help that with all the ups and downs of their relationship, the world around them was steadily going to shit.

Disappearances were becoming more and more common. It seemed every other week there was a report of the Dark Mark looming above the home of some poor family, a shadowy specter of doom. Sirius and James personally had to deal with the aftermath of several of these attacks. Every day the two men found it harder to go home after work, fearing what might await them there. Fearing that their loved ones might be next.

The Order was well aware that members of the Ministry were compromised. It was unclear just how far the influence of the Death Eaters had spread. How many were under the Imperius curse versus how many were willing agents of Voldemort was also wholly unclear.

Everyone was paranoid. The only people they knew for certain they could trust were other members of the Order. Each other.

One Sunday afternoon, Remus and Sirius were lounging together. Things had been peaceful between them for a while. It had been over a month since Remus had last had to go visit his dad, and even longer than that since he'd been on a mission, as the last trip to his father's was actually for real. 

Sirius had gone with him on that trip. It had been rough, seeing Lyall so ill. Magic could fix a lot of things, but liver cancer was sadly not one of them. It was hard, even for Sirius, to see Lyall in such a weakened state. He couldn’t imagine how hard it was for Remus. This made Sirius feel particularly horrible for how resentful he had been recently, so he had been making up for it with extra love and attention since they got home.

Of course, Sirius didn’t know that it had actually been the first time Remus had seen his father that year. Remus had a very hard time trying to explain to his father why he needed to pretend otherwise. Lyall had been reluctant to get involved in whatever his son was lying about, but he was fond of Sirius and eager to see him, so he had agreed. It had worked out to be a rather lovely trip, though he tried very hard not to think about all of the time he was missing with his father while he was undercover with the packs.

"What the fuck have you gotten yourself into, Rey?" asked Lyall during a private moment, voice hushed while Sirius showered. "Sirius is a good man, I don't like keeping him the dark."

"I would explain if I could, dad, but I can't. It's fine. You don't need to worry," Remus assured him, hoping he would drop it. "How have you been? Has it been helping, the nurse we arranged to drop by?"

"I'm fine, Rey," said Lyall a little gruffly. "I guess were both just fine."

He tried very hard not to think about the packs in general. Sometimes he needed a little help forgetting. He figured that was only fair. After the things he had seen. The things he’d had to do… best not to think about it. Best to just have a drink. Best to ignore the guilty little side eyes he kept getting from his father. Remus knew from past experience (nicking his dads booze while very much underage) that Lyall would never call him out on inappropriate use of alcohol, since that would open him up to criticism of his own habits. Not that Remus had a habit.

Sirius had cut back a lot recently. He’d admitted in one of their nastier fights that Remus was becoming unbearable to be around when he drank. In the end they’d both agreed they had probably been overdoing it. This came as a great relief to James, who was getting a bit sick of having to cover up for Sirius’ hangovers at work. A quick potion in the morning only went so far when it was a daily problem. 

He knew he’d been awful to be around since the missions started. It had just been so hard to leave it all behind when he came home. He could still feel those places on his skin, smell it on himself. The person he had to be on those missions, he couldn’t just shut it off when he returned. It lingered. Even when he managed to pretend to go back to normal, he could still feel it in him. He knew Sirius was right though. It was becoming unbearable.

So Sirius had cut back on the drinking, just like he said. Remus had too. For a few weeks, anyway. Enough time to prove to himself that he could stop if wanted to, after which point, he figured it was really his business. As long as he kept his composure when he and Sirius were together then it didn’t seem to matter. Things had been good lately, so it was clearly under control.

As they were laying there, Sirius running his hands absently through his lover’s hair, the empty scratch of a record that had long since finished playing, they felt more content than they had been for a long time.

“We should have a dinner party,” said Sirius abruptly.

“What, here?” asked Remus, looking up at Sirius from his lap.

“Sure, invite the whole gang over. It feels like forever since we’ve all been in the same room.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s a great idea,” he agreed.


	8. Let's Have a Dinner Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius host a dinner party, but not everyone agrees on proper party etiquette.

Dinner party invitations were sent out by owl a few hours later.

The next weekend James, Lily, Peter, Dorcas, and Marlene all descended on their little flat with plates of food and bottles of wine. They had all been thrilled at the idea of a get together. It was something everyone was in desperate need of.

Remus and Sirius provided desserts from a lovely little bakery down the road, having decided that it was best not to risk attempting to cook. 

The night got off to a truly wonderful start. The guests all trickled in over the course of half an hour and each one arrived with a warm hug and delicious smelling food. Very quickly everyone was sat around a magically extended table with a glass of wine (except Lily, who had been favoring fancy mocktails instead) in hand and bellies full of food. There was laughter and music in the air and for a couple of hours it almost felt like there was nothing to worry about. 

A rather hardy debate had broken out between Sirius and Peter about the latest match between the Holyhead Harpies and Chudley Cannons. The whole table was getting increasingly heated. Even Lily, though she was decidedly more sober and not remotely interested in Quidditch. She was mostly chiming in by just saying the opposite of whatever James said and laughing at how scandalized he looked by his wife’s embarrassing opinions.

Marlene got up from the table and headed to the terrace, tapping Remus on the shoulder as she walked past him. 

“Come out for a smoke,” she instructed.

Remus got up whilst giving one final exclamation of support for whatever nonsense Lily had just entered into the conversation, then followed Marlene out. He wasn’t really a smoker, but he was also never one to say no to the offer.

“How’s school been?” he asked her, accepting a cigarette as she handed it over.

“Pretty brilliant actually. I’ve made friends with this fun group of muggles and they’re always taking me out to these great little underground places,” she said taking a drag. 

When she wasn't working as a clerk at her family practice, Marlene was getting into Magical Law like her parents, which involved a couple of years of higher education through the Wizarding Division run out of a secret wing of Oxford University. The McKinnon's expertise and connections in the Magical Law community had been invaluable to the resistance. Marlene had to do a few units of muggle law as part of her studies, so she had taken the opportunity to socialize.

“It’s so strange being around them,” she said. “As far as they’re concerned, there is no war. When I’m with them I try to believe it too.”

“I know. I felt the same thing every time I went to work. Back when I last had a job, that is. These days it’s almost easy to forget that there’s this whole world out there, and they don’t even know they’re in danger. It doesn't hang over them every second of the day.”

Marlene reached into her pocket and pulled out a little plastic baggie, handing it over to Remus. He immediately knew what it was.

“One of them hooked me up with this, it’s good stuff.”

Remus and Sirius had both done cocaine a few times with Marlene and Dorcas, back when they were all living in the big share house. The others had all opted out, and Sirius and Dorcas both found they got too paranoid and agitated so gave up on it pretty quickly. Remus and Marlene, though, had both continued to use the drug on nights out ever since. It was mostly an occasional thing for him, and not at all in months now. 

Well... but no, missions didn't really count, Remus figured. Drugs were rampant in the packs. Cocaine was a little pricier but still showed up on occasion. Amphetamines, on the other hand. There were other things, too, that he had yet to give in and try. He was in control, after all. Besides, it’s not like he was doing it for fun. He was undercover. Fitting in was the job. That fact it helped make the horror of those places a little more bearable really wasn’t a factor.

Remus took the packet from her, opening the corner and tipping a little powder on the back of his hand. He snorted it, then handed the packet back to Marlene who did the same.

“So how have you been holding up Remi? Heard about your dad. Shit stuff,” she said sympathetically.

“Yeah, you know. It is what it is,” he said, sniffing at the uncomfortable dripping starting in the back of his throat. “Things have been a little better lately. It was all getting a bit fucked for a while there, but I think I’m getting a handle on it.” 

“That’s good. And Sirius seems good. Opinionated as ever,” she said with a laugh.

“Yeah, we’re both good. What about you, Marley? You and Dorcas holding up?”

“Oh yeah, we’re so fucking good.”

“That’s good.”

They stood for a while, finishing their cigarettes. By the time they were done the coke was starting to kick in. Remus turned to Marlene and grinned. She grinned back.

He felt fucking great.

He flicked his cigarette butt down to the street bellow and strolled back into the apartment, heading over to turn the music up. The rest of the party had moved into the living space, with everyone having broken out the cards to start a drinking game. 

Remus squeezed in beside Sirius on the couch, wrapping his arms around him and watching the action over his shoulder. Marlene grabbed Dorcas out of the game and dragged her up to dance. Lily shot Remus a suspicious look as he sniffed again. He just smirked and offered a shrug.

“Moony will you shove off, you’re breaking my concentration,” snapped Sirius, brushing Remus’ hands away, one of which was wrapped around his chest while the other was starting to play with his hair.

Sirius stared intently at the shot glass he was currently trying to bounce a sickle into, the activity indicated by his chosen card.

“No Moony, keep going! Feel him up a little harder,” heckled James.

“Do your own dirty work, Prongs,” Remus replied, backing off from Sirius to perch on the arm rest.

“Will you hurry it up already Pads?” complained Peter.

Sirius was just about to make the shot when Remus started tapping his foot right next to his partners arm, breaking his concentration and causing the sickle to bounce off the table.

“Dammit Moony, I had it!” Sirius whined as James let out a cheer. “Go hang out with the girls, you’re ruining my mojo.”

“We all know what a precious resource your ‘mojo’ is, don’t we Sirius?” teased Lily.

Remus just rolled his eyes and got up, swiping the glass that Sirius had missed and downing the contents. He ignored James’ incredulous “hey!” and walked over to Marlene and Dorcas. They seemed to be deep in conversation rather than dancing. As he got close enough to hear them over the music, he noticed the conversation sounded quite heated. 

“You promised me, Marley!”

“I know, Dory. It’s not a big deal.”

“When did you even get it?”

“It’s not even mine, Remi had some.”

At the sound of his name he immediately turned away, wanting no part in whatever was happening. He was stopped short when Dorcas noticed him and rounded on him.

“Remus Lupin we need to talk!”

The rest of the party turned to look at them, attention drawn to Dorcas’ raised voice. Remus walked closer to her and Marlene, trying to keep his voice down and diffuse the situation. Though in all honesty, he was having a very hard time judging how loud he was speaking.

“Dory, calm down. I don’t know what you-”

Dorcas pulled the little baggie out of her pocket, having apparently confiscated it from her girlfriend. She shoved into Remus’ hand as she spoke.

“Can you keep this shit away from her?” she said as more of a demand than a question.

“I didn’t-” he looked at Marlene who met his eyes with a silent plea. “Right, whatever. Sorry. Didn’t mean to cause trouble.”

Someone had turned the music down. Remus could feel the whole room looking at him and Dorcas. Marlene was pacing around just behind them, unable to keep still.

“I don’t know what it is about you two, but you bring out the worst in each other. Every time you get together it’s more of this shit!” She rounded on Marlene. “You said you were done!”

“I am! Fuck,” a beat. “Dory, please can we just go?”

“Fine.” She turned to Sirius and the others. “Thank you all for a lovely night,” she said with surprising sincerity. 

She then turned to Remus one last time.

“You! Get your shit together.”

Remus stood there in shock as Dorcas stormed out of the flat. Marlene shot him a deeply apologetic look as she followed behind her girlfriend.

After the sound of the door closing there was nothing but silence. Remus realized he still had the packet of powder in his hand. He shoved it into his pocket as he turned to face the others.

He almost burst out laughing at their faces. They were all frozen in a sort of shocked tableau, just staring at him. Peter looked very concerned, whilst James looked as if he’d just heard a particularly juicy piece of gossip, jaw hanging open. Lily was looking at him with a mixture of concern and judgment, whilst Sirius, like Remus, seemed as though he might burst into laughter at any moment. 

It took Remus a second to realize that they were waiting for an explanation.

“I have no idea what that was about,” he said, raising his hands defensively, “but it definitely was not my fault.”

“Dory seemed pretty convinced it was,” accused Peter.

“That shit was nothing to do with me,” he responded, sniffing a bit as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Then why did Marley say you gave her the- what was it, actually?” asked James.

Sirius actually did let out a laugh at that. 

“Take a wild guess, Prongs,” he said as gestured to Remus’ foot, which he hadn’t realized he’d been tapping rapidly as he stood. “He’s wired as fuck.”

Remus huffed indignantly, forcing himself to stand still. It lasted all of a second before he stared pacing.

“I didn’t give her anything, she brought it herself.”

“Well then why did you say you did?” asked Peter.

“So they’d stop fighting, obviously.”

“Why in the world are you doing coke at a dinner party, Remus? It’s not a bloody night club,” questioned Lily.

“Because it was there.” replied Remus as if the question were ridiculous. "Why wouldn't I?" 

The conversation was really starting to get on his nerves. He stopped pacing and went back to tapping his foot.

“Why are you all acting so shocked?” asked Sirius, getting up to stand beside his fidgeting boyfriend. “You know how those two are. I know you’re all practically middle age these days but since when are we freaking out over Moony and Marley being fuckheads?”

“Thank you!” declared Remus, then turning to Sirius and adding “also fuck you.”

“Did you not hear what Dorcas was saying? She obviously thinks Marlene has a problem!” declared Lily.

“I didn’t really understand what she was upset about,” admitted Peter. 

“I guess Marlene has been using more than we realized. And lying about it, from the sounds of it.”

“I mean, it’s not my cup of tea, but who’s she hurting?” questioned James.

Lily looked exasperated. Typical pure bloods. Wizarding society had a horrible habit of just pretending bad things don’t exist. If someone in the family had a problem with substances, then it was simply never talked about or dismissed as ‘kooky Aunt Lacey just loves her wine.’ She’d often griped with Remus and Dorcas about how sheltered the rest of them could be sometimes.

“She’s hurting herself, you gits. I mean, I don’t know Marlene’s situation, but I’ve never known Dory to get so upset over nothing.” 

Remus had lost interest in the conversation, and now that the attention wasn’t focused on him, he was starting to drift away and mindlessly pick up and put down ornaments on a nearby bookshelf. He’d been eager to have some fun, and the high was already starting to wear off a bit. He put his hand into his pocket and felt the soft plastic. The night was still young, maybe he could go out…

“Moony!”

He snapped around to see Sirius waving his hand in front of his face, staring at him expectantly.

“What? What do you want?”

Sirius just rolled his eyes and turned to Lily.

“See what I mean Lil? Pretty sure I’d have noticed if he’d been coked out on the regular. He'd have been too much of a bloody nuisance to ignore. Hell, before tonight neither of us had even really had a drink for more than a month. We’ve been upstanding citizens, right Moony?”

Remus nodded in agreement. He was glad he was high, because otherwise he wasn’t sure he could have hidden the guilt he felt by lying to them all so blatantly. It was true he hadn’t been doing cocaine very often, but he hadn’t gone a day without a drink recently, let alone a month.

Lily still looked skeptical, but she seemed to settle down a bit. James and Peter both seemed to be getting bored with the topic too.

“Shame they didn’t have their blow out a little later though,” said James to Lily.

“Why does that matter?” asked Peter.

James and Lily went very quiet, piquing the interest of the others. A silent debate seemed to be happening between them. Remus was growing increasingly tense. 

“Just spit it out you two, fucks sake,” he complained. “Sorry,” he added sheepishly at Lily’s withering stare.

Lily let out a deep sigh in response to which James just lit up. He looked for a moment as if he might jump out of his skin in excitement. He turned to his friends.

“We wanted to tell everyone together before the end of the night, but honestly I can’t wait so screw them for leaving. Lily and I- no, Lil, you should say it.”

Lily couldn’t help the warm smile that spread across her face. He was so delighted he could barely contain himself. She loved that about him.

“I’m pregnant.”

For a split second there was complete stillness. Even Remus stopped his fidgeting. The stillness was broken dramatically when Sirius let out an honest to goodness scream, like a twelve-year-old girl seeing her friend for the first time after summer break.

He rushed Lily and James, pulling them both into a crushing hug. A moment later Remus and Peter were on them too. All drama of the night was completely forgotten.

A baby.

They were having a baby.


	9. Take a Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have a baby on the way which means time to be responsible adults. Everyone gets their act together. It's no easy task, but it's got to be done.

For a while, for a brief while, they were themselves again. The very best versions of themselves. It’s like all the horror of the war had melted away. 

Lily was having a baby. That meant they were all having a baby. In an instant this little thing, not even really a life yet, was priority number one. The joy of this revelation touched everyone and everything around them.

It wasn’t just the Marauders, either. Everyone they knew seemed to find a new light in the darkness.

It was announced soon after that Alice Longbottom was also expecting, and the mood at the Order meetings had shifted dramatically. Lily, Alice, Frank, and James often stayed back late at headquarters, sharing their hopes and fears for their future kids. With Frank and Alice being a little older and more established, they became a source of comfort for the younger couple, easing their anxieties with kind reassurances. 

It’s like everyone had been reminded exactly why they were fighting. The whole point of the war. Not many core Order members had young children of their own, as it was nearly impossible to do the work they did with little ones at home. It was easier to remember why they were willing to lose so much, sacrifice so much to make the world a better place. Nobody wanted these babies to grow up in fear.

Sirius had been incredibly smug about his appointment of Godfather. He talked about it constantly. 

“As the Godfather,” he’d say in conversations that had absolutely nothing to do with the baby, “I think my opinion should get extra consideration.”

It had been a given that he would get the title. Sirius and James were brothers in everything but blood, and lord knows Lily’s blood sister was not up for the job of Godparent. None of them were jealous, but they collectively decided to just let Sirius have his fun.

Besides, Lily had already privately assured Remus that he would get the job for kid number two.

“James gets his best friend for this one,” she’d said, “so I get mine for the next.” 

Remus had been beyond touched. He was glad Lily couldn’t see his face when he’d hugged her, as it made it easier to hide that he was tearing up.

Things were better between Remus and Sirius than they had been in a long time. They were a united front in their love for this kid, whoever they’d grow up to be.

It helped that Remus was temporarily on hold from missions. Some time after their eventful dinner party, Remus had actually asked Dumbledore when he could expect to ship out again. Dumbledore had informed him that he was on stand down for the time being. It seemed that Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey had expressed some… concern over his well being. The stand down was not permanent, as the work he was doing was still very much needed, but he could take a few months to make sure he was in a fit state to go on. Remus was torn between being embarrassed and relieved. He settled on relieved.

With his stress levels significantly reduced, he and Sirius had been getting along swimmingly. Remus had started working a regular job again, this time at a muggle bookshop. The owner was an older woman whose husband was sick with MS, so she was very understanding of Remus’ absences and exhaustion, given her familiarity with chronic illness. It was right up his alley, and it meant he and Sirius were both home nights.

They were making the most of their extra time together. Sometimes that meant going out to see some music, a fun pass time that had fallen to the wayside. Often it meant just enjoying each other’s company at home. 

Remus working during the daytime and both of them being home during the night meant that he no longer spent most of his time alone. Whilst this was an overall positive development, it had also come with some unexpected challenges. Sirius was still largely abstaining from alcohol. He’d have a drink with dinner or on a night out sometimes, but always stop after one or two. Remus admired that. He couldn’t do it, but he admired it. 

Sirius had started to poke fun a bit. He kept telling Remus at the rate he was going he’d be the embarrassing drunk uncle at every family gathering until James and Lily’s kid was grown. The more time passed, the more Sirius’ jokes started to take on a tone of genuine concern. He hadn’t spent so much time around Remus in a while. He’d thought they were mostly on the same page about cleaning up their act, but apparently not so much.

What he didn’t know was that Remus had actually tried to stop after the whole mess with the dinner party. Once he’d sobered up, he’d actually been quite distressed about everything that had happened with Marlene. Dorcas’ accusation, the implications behind that fight, it had shaken him up more than he let on. It had been easy enough to brush off the others concerns and label what happened as not his problem. He’d been trying very hard to convince himself that there wasn’t a problem. Unfortunately, he wasn’t nearly as good at lying to himself as he was at lying to everyone else.

He’d gone a full three days without a drink after the party. He had been very alarmed when two days into it, he’d caught his hands trembling. On the third day, when he was hit by immense nausea and breaking out in cold sweats, he told Sirius he must have food poisoning and stayed home from work. He fished out a bottle of Vodka from the freezer and was feeling much better by lunch.

He didn’t think he had a problem, not really. He’d gone long stretches of time without drinking in the past. He could hardly be blamed for defaulting to an easy coping mechanism given the horrible things happening around him. Until very recently, Sirius had been just as bad, so he was hardly an unusual case. Fuck, the same could be said about half the Order.

The experience had terrified him, though. He’d seen his father get sick like that when he was younger. He honestly didn’t realize he’d been that bad for that long. He knew it wasn’t good, but this was something he was not prepared for. He might not be a drunk but he’d obviously been way overdoing it. He decided to put off dealing with the whole thing until he’d figured out how he felt about it.

A few weeks later he met up with Marlene. She’d insisted she wanted to buy him lunch as an apology. He really didn’t know what had been going on with her, but after his little failed experiment with sobriety, he was very uncomfortable with the idea of having a conversation about it. In the end, his concern for his friend won out over his avoidance and he said yes.

It was a little awkward. They were sat in a quiet café together, having hardly spoken except to order. He didn’t really know how to proceed and was thankful when Marlene took the lead.

“Look, you know I hate this kind of crap, but we might as well just get it over with,” she started. “I’m sorry about what happened at your flat.”

“It’s fine, really. Seemed like you were having a worse time than me.”

“I shouldn’t have expected you to cover for me. It wasn’t cool,” she admitted bashfully. 

Marlene’s usual air of confidence was notably absent. This was the closest thing he’d ever seen to vulnerability from her. He hadn’t been eager to have a serious conversation, but he was starting to think one might be warranted.

“How have you been, Marley, really?”

“Pretty good, you know how it is.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. She sighed.

“Fine. It’s been… Dory’s really not happy with me. I told her what really happened and she didn’t take it very well. Not that I blame her.”

“What the hell _did_ happen? I’ve never seen Dorcas that upset at you. Or at me,” he added.

Marlene shifted uncomfortably. It wasn’t like Remus to push. He, like her, generally preferred to keep it light. It’s part of why they got on so well.

“She thinks I’ve been overdoing it.”

“Have you?” 

A tense pause.

“Yes. I quit for a while but things just got… I don’t know. Hard, I guess.”

“I had no idea,” he admitted.

“Why would you? We haven’t seen a lot of each other lately. Besides, I think you-” she stopped, suddenly hesitant.

“What?” Remus asked, not sure he wanted her to proceed.

“Well, Dory had a point. Any time we’re around each other you’re usually as fucked up as me. Difficult to spot the problem when you can’t even spot the difference.”

“This is a shit apology, Marley.”

She smirked. He rolled his eyes at her and took a sip of his drink.

“You’re the one who decided that you needed a pint with your lunch in the middle of a workday,” she said gesturing to his drink. “Is that even your first of the day?”

“So, we’re just done discussing the fact that you’re a coke fiend, then?”

Her cheeks reddened. Maybe that was a bit harsh.

“Right, fair cop. I’m not trying to accuse you of something, you know. I just think we’re alike in a lot of ways, and I know that when I don’t talk about things, I have tendency to, well, do cocaine about them instead.”

“Have you stopped?”

“Yeah, for now. Hoping to make it stick this time,” she said, raising up her hand to display crossed fingers for luck.

“How did- how was that? Quitting?”

“A bit shit, honestly.”

“Makes sense.”

She stared at him for a few moments, her gaze scrutinizing.

“Have you ever tried?” she asked.

“To quit? I don’t do cocaine most days of my life, actually.”

“First off, you do that and more often enough that Dory thinks you're a bad influence. Don’t worry she still loves you,” she added at the hurt look on his face. “Second of all, don’t play dumb, you’re way too smart to be believable.”

He leaned back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest. 

“I’ve been thinking I might give it a go. It might just take a bit of time. Maybe a few weeks, rather than all at once,” he admitted quietly.

“Oh, that bad?” she asked with a hint of shock.

“I’m not- no, it’s not that bad. It’s not a problem. Just overdoing it a bit more than I realized. Things have actually been really good lately. We’re having a baby, you know.”

“I know,” Marlene said, accepting the deflection with a smile. “Time to be responsible adults, right?”

And he was. Over the next month he did exactly what he’d said he would and slowly tapered off the alcohol. Eventually, he was able to stop all together without any symptoms. It was like a weight was lifted. He’d been right, he didn’t have a problem. What he’d had was a shit life and no real reason to deal with it sober. Now that things were good, his desire to medicate was no longer so strong.

By the time Lily was five months pregnant, the whole lot of them were in just about the healthiest place they’d been since school. They were all just so excited to meet the new addition to their family. 

The war, of course, had not stopped. On the contrary, it had gotten far worse. All was not sunshine and roses. There were days that Sirius came home from work and all he would do is lay in bed. Not sleeping, not eating. Sometimes he would transform into Padfoot and stay that way for an entire weekend. Remus would just lay with him, running his hands through the black dog’s fur as he read.

Even Remus, who had been on his best behavior, still had his bad days. Days that generally culminated in one form of inebriation or another. Still, everyone had days like that, and they were few and far between compared to how things had been.

It all came to a head, though, when at five months pregnant, James and Lily were informed by Dumbledore that they had to go into hiding. 

There were already several Order members who were in hiding for various reasons, and it seemed that James and Lily would be joining those ranks, along with Frank and Alice Longbottom. It was unclear why they were being targeted. All Dumbledore would tell them was that he had information and were it to fall into the wrong hands it could put them at great risk from Voldemort himself. He was characteristically cagey about the whole ordeal, which only served to raise tensions higher as they came up with their own theories.

This came as a particularly crushing blow for James, whose parents whilst on their latest travels, had contracted Dragon Pox. They were older, more vulnerable. Neither survived.

It’s like the world was falling down around them. James had always worn his heart on his sleeve, but it’s as if something had been broken. It all happened at once, and there was just no time to process it. As soon as his parent’s funeral was done, he and Lily were ushered into hiding in an old family home in Godric's Hollow. It was an Order safe house, by donation of the Potter’s, so it was already set up for their purposes. 

James was just so detached. They all tried their best to be there for him and Lily, but nobody really knew what to do. How do you comfort people through something like that?

Remus and Sirius were more thankful than ever that they were on good terms again, because the only way they felt they could make it through was as a team. The two of them and Peter had gotten together and come up with a plan of attack to make sure that their friends had everything they could possibly need. Food, groceries, supplies for the baby. Any errand, any request, it was taken care of. James and Lily could only leave the heavily warded house for very specific reasons, and only with other Order members there for protection. Lily had been going on maternity leave soon anyway, so that left James going between home and work, where he was strictly desk bound and not to step foot outside the Auror offices. Even that concession was only allowed because Moody himself had vowed to keep James safe as long as he was in those offices.

Dumbledore assured them that they were not likely in immediate danger. Whatever it was that could cause Voldemort to set his sights on them, they were not yet being targeted specifically. This was paltry reassurance. With a baby on the way and recent, devastating losses, it was hardly bearable. 

Still, Remus and Sirius held on tight. If anything, they were stronger than ever in the face of their friend’s struggle. Both of them were so used to being the friends with difficult circumstances, difficult lives. It was a strange turn to suddenly have that dynamic shift, but they well and truly rose to the responsibility. 

After the first month of this new normal had passed, it was almost starting to feel manageable. It was amazing how quickly you could adjust to grief and fear when the impetus was there. With enough love and affection from his friends and his wife, and with Lily’s ever-growing belly, James was starting to come up for air.

Remus and Sirius felt their anxiety easing every time they visited and he was acting just a little more himself. It helped to talk about the baby. James never failed to perk up at any discussion of the baby. Remus and Sirius couldn't imagine having kids so young, or maybe at all depending on which one you asked on which day. James on the other hand was practically born to be a dad.

Just when they were starting to think they may pull through the whole disaster without breaking down completely, there came another bump in the road. There always seemed to be another bump.

Remus got the order. The missions were back on. He was leaving on the weekend. It was unclear how long he’d need to be away. He’d been so good for months. He’d been looking after himself, his friends, his partner. He’d been really, really trying.

It was time to face the wolves again.


	10. O Brother, Where Art Thou?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius receives some bad news whilst Remus is away. Their reunion is not a happy one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, these next couple of charters are going to get very heavy. This one includes descriptions of a panic attack. I'll include the warnings for the next chapters when I post them. It gets better but it definitely hits a rough patch here for our boys. Look after yourselves.  
> As always, thank you for reading this far. I would be delighted to know what you think or feel about the story. No comment is too small or incoherent :)  
> (also this story was originally gonna be like 10k but I've written nearly 30k words already and am still going so buckle in I guess?)

Running away from home had been the best decision Sirius had ever made. 

He didn’t regret it, not for a second. His awful house, his awful family, and every awful thing associated with his heritage could burn in hell for all he cared. 

When he’d shown up at James’ doorstep and been greeted by his parents with hugs and hot cocoa, he’d know for certain that he’d done the right thing. It wasn’t until he saw Regulus again for the first time at school that he even really started to question it.

He had no regrets leaving his parents behind, of course, but his little brother wasn’t them. They’d been quite close once upon a time, before years and years of being pitted against each other drove a wedge between them. Regulus always had to be the good little boy for mummy and daddy.

Still, the first time they ran into each other at school, seeing his brother turn away as if he wasn’t even there. He hadn’t really expected it. It may have been naive, but there was some part of him that thought maybe, just maybe, Regulus would ask to come with him. Instead he’d just turned to his smug little friends and walked away.

Maybe Sirius would have done the same if he’d been left alone to the mercy of his parents.

Remus had been gone for two weeks when he got the word about his brother. It was another full week by the time he finally came home. That gave Sirius a full week between showing up on Lyall Lupin’s doorstep and discovering his partner had been lying to him for months, and actually being able to confront Remus for the truth. 

A whole week to stew in it as he waited for his lovers return from who knows where.

Sirius heard a familiar cracking sound outside the front door. A moment later the sound of the door being unlocked.

As he sat at the table, he felt a strange sense of calm. No, not calm. More of an absence of feeling. Just the day before his insides had been tearing themselves open. Fear, anger, grief all tumbling over each other trying to get out. Today, there was nothing.

Remus entered the flat. Sirius noticed the dark circles under his eyes. There was an angry red scar still healing near the base of his neck. The last transformation must have been a rough one.

“Remus, come sit down. We need to talk.”

Remus jumped at the sound of his voice. His whole body seemed to be spring loaded, wound tight. He looked at Sirius cautiously and approached, pulling up a chair opposite him at the table. 

“Is everything alright, Pads?” he asked with a shaky voice. 

It had been… a difficult few weeks. He was desperate to get some rest, but Sirius’ demeanor was making him very nervous.

“Regulus is dead.”

Cold, to the point. Why sugar coat it, figured Sirius? A fact is a fact.

“I- Sirius are you-” Remus reached out instinctively to take Sirius’ hand. “Fuck. I don’t know what to say.”

“Nothing to say,” Sirius declared, pulling his hand from Remus’ reach, much to the man’s surprise.

“Are you… when did this happen?” asked Remus, unsure of where to go from there.

“Don’t know exactly. Far as I know he tried to back out of the shit he was in some time in the last month and got killed for his effort. He always was weak.”

Remus was shocked at the ice in his partners voice. He hadn’t spoken to his brother in years, but Remus knew he still had some affection for him. That some part of him had always held out hope he would come around.

“The better question,” Sirius continued, “is when did I find out?”

His cool grey eyes pierced into Remus’ warm brown ones. Remus could feel the accusation, though he did not understand what he had done to warrant it. He stared back in confusion.

“A week ago. The next question you should ask is what did I do when I found out?”

“What did you do?” asked Remus very slowly.

“Went to find my boyfriend.”

Sirius felt a hint of satisfaction as Remus started to piece it together, panic seeping into his tired features.

“Sirius-”

“You can imagine my surprise,” he interrupted, “when I showed up at your dads and he told me he hadn’t seen you since the last time we visited together.”

“I can explain-”

“I thought, how strange, I must have misunderstood three weeks ago when you said you were going to stay at your dads. When you told me you were going away to help your dying father and spend time with him while you still could, I must have just misinterpreted that. My fault, it was an ambiguous situation. Easy to misconstrue.”

Sirius kept his tone unnervingly pleasant, but he did not so much as blink as he stared Remus down. Remus’ breathing was becoming rapid. Sirius noticed his hands beginning to tremble, but he didn’t care. 

“Well?” he demanded. “Did I misunderstand?”

“I’m sorry,” Remus whispered.

Remus jumped as Sirius slammed his hand down on the table.

“You’re a fucking liar!” he yelled as fury hit him like a tidal wave. 

He stood up, chair slamming down to the ground behind him as he did. He’d lost his brother. Regulus was dead, and here was Remus with the audacity to look upset after who knows how many months of deceiving him!

“Where have you been? I’ve been talking it over with James and Peter. They each have their own theories. I’m not even going to tell you the worst of what crossed our minds. You see we knew you weren’t missing because this was planned. You’ve been doing it for ages. You asked Lyall to lie for you. So what? Are you having an affair?”

He didn’t even really believe the accusation, but it was sickly satisfying to see Remus squirm. He had a vague thought that he might regret this later, but in that moment he didn’t give a damn.

“You told James and Peter?” asked Remus breathlessly. 

“We’re best mates. We tell each other everything. We thought that was true of you too, so imagine our surprise,” he spat. 

Remus was frozen. He could feel the sweat beading around his forehead. The air was prickling, magical energy rolling off Sirius in hot bursts. He had to diffuse the situation, but he didn’t know how. Didn’t even know where to begin.

“Don’t just stare at me you lying piece of shit! Tell me! Tell me what you’ve been doing that could be worth ruining this relationship?”

Remus couldn’t breathe. All the air had left his lungs and no matter how hard he gasped he couldn’t get any back in. He was trying to speak but no words were coming out, only choking gasps.

Sirius could see what was happening, recognized the sings of a panic attack, but he didn’t care. Months. The man he loved, trusted more than anyone in the world, had been lying to him for months. His little brother was dead. Regulus was dead.

“Don’t you fucking do this. Don’t make this about you, I’m fucking sick of it. Your moods and your fucking self-pity!”

Remus stood up and tried to make his escape, heading to the bedroom, the bathroom, anywhere other than where he was. His hands were numb. He couldn’t talk. He had to get out.

Sirius moved around in front of him, blocking him in.

“No! You can’t fuck, or fight, or run away this time! We are doing this now.”

Remus forced himself to take a few deep breaths. He was struggling to think. He had to tell Sirius everything. He had to make him understand.

“I don’t- I didn’t want to- Dumbledore, he made me-”

“Dumbledore? This is about the Order?” he demanded.

“Yes! Exactly! I couldn’t say anything Sirius, I’m sorry-”

Sirius felt the slightest hint of curiosity poking at the edges of his rage. That had been one of the major theories they had all come up with. It made the most sense..

“I’m in the Order too! What the fuck could be so vital that you have to hide it from your partner?”

The words came rushing up to the threshold of Remus’ mouth, but they stopped just short of being spoken. Dumbledore had made him promise.

“I can’t tell you,” he spoke quickly as a dark look flickered over the other man’s eyes. “No, Sirius, I want to. I want to tell you everything, but Dumbledore made me swear, he- Sirius- Padfoot, please. I’ve been doing missions for the Order. For you, for all of you! I wanted to tell you. I begged him to let me tell you! Please don’t leave me. Sirius- please, please don’t leave.”

Remus fell to his knees, hyperventilating intensely. His whole body was shaking. Tears were streaming down his face and his breaths were coming in large, gulping sobs.

Sirius stared down at him, filled with an excruciating combination of pity, rage and disgust. He knelt down to Remus’ level, but not as a gesture of compassion. He wanted to keep looking him in the eyes.

“Fine, you don’t want to tell me where you’ve been? Where you were when I found out my brother died? What you’ve been doing while Lyall has been dying? Keep it to yourself like a good little boy for Dumbledore.” A beat. “I can’t even look at you.”

Sirius turned and headed for the door. He stepped out of the flat and slammed it behind him. A moment later Remus heard a loud crack.

Remus felt as though all of the blood had been drained from his body.

He was alone. All alone. This was Sirius’ home. They would all hate him now, he would have nowhere else to go. No job, no friends, no home. He’d be just like the rest of them, the ones from the packs. Just like the rest of them.


	11. Friends in High Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius comes home to an empty flat and an empty bottle of firewhisky. Something (everything) is wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter include suicidal thoughts and actions, which the next couple chapters will deal with the immediate aftermath of. Nothing graphic, but be safe.  
> I hope you're all doing good :)

Sirius didn’t come back until dawn. He hadn’t even realized he’d been gone all night until the first rays of sun tinged the dark sky purple. He’d been walking aimlessly around the city, trying to calm himself.

He briefly considered going to James but decided against it. He was a whirlwind of emotions and had an unfortunate habit of lashing out in such a state. James didn’t need to deal with his drama on top of everything else he had going on.

He hadn’t been doing a lot of thinking during the night. Just walking. Breathing. Calming the storm. It wasn’t until first light broke him out of his trance that the events from earlier finally started to sink in. Had he really said all those things? He almost struggled to remember. It was like his body had been taken over and he had been floating somewhere high above it, watching himself as he pushed the man he loved (the man who lied to him) into a breakdown then walked away and left him in that state for- he looked at his watch- five hours.

Oh fuck. He hadn't realized it had been so long. He’d never seen Remus like that. Actually, that wasn't true. He'd seen him like that once before, when they were kids. When Remus got the news about his mother. He'd been in rough states since then, but that kind of blind, frantic panic was something else. And it was his fault. He’d caused it. As furious as he was, even still, he’d crossed a line. He knew it. Remus had tried to explain himself and Sirius had just continued to push for no other reason than to punish him. It was malicious. It was something Sirius’ father used to do.

That particular thought made him sick to his stomach. 

He apparated back to the hall outside the flat. When he opened it, he was surprised to find the home empty. 

What he did find was a broken bottle that used to contain firewhisky. A bottle that had been about three quarters full when Sirius had left. He thought about leaving it. If Remus didn’t want to be around him then he had every right. He stared at the empty bottle a little while longer, guilt twisting in his gut. He cast a tracking spell, hoping to at least get a sense of where he might have gone. He was surprised when he followed the magically illuminated footprints out to the stairwell, heading in the direction of the roof.

With each step he climbed he felt an incrementally increasing sense of dread. He wasn’t even sure what he was afraid of, but something about the situation felt very, very wrong.

He could have simply apparated up, but instinct told him that sudden sound and movement may not be the best approach. He didn’t know what these missions entailed but looking back it was clear that it had been having an intense effect on Remus. In hindsight, Sirius couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been. He really thought everything was okay. That it had all just been fear over his father. The drinking, the sex that always felt just a little too desperate, the fights. It had all been so much better over the past months, but of course it had been. He'd been home since about the time they found out Lily was pregnant. How could he have possibly not seen the pattern? He was still absolutely gutted by Remus’ betrayal, but he couldn’t help but feel like he deserved it for being so completely gullible. Whatever was going on, whatever Dumbledore was asking him to do, it wasn’t good. Then he’d come home to where he was supposed to be safe and Sirius had ruined it. 

After what felt like ages, he reached the door to the roof. He made a point of being loud as he walked out, opening the door slowly so as not to startle.

He scanned the rooftop courtyard. The moment he spotted Remus he felt his stomach drop. There he was, on the raised ledge that was the only barrier between the roof and the pavement ten floors below. 

He wasn’t doing anything particularly alarming. Just sitting, legs dangling over the side. Staring out at the city. Still, something about it was not sitting right with Sirius. The way his hands seemed to be holding onto the ledge with an iron grip. The way he swayed slightly in place. The way he didn’t react at all as Sirius approached him.

“Remus,” he said as he came around beside him. 

Remus looked around slowly, as if he hadn’t realized he wasn’t alone. His eyes were glassy and he seemed to be having trouble processing what he was seeing. Sirius felt a pang of shame at the swollen eyes and the dried tear stains on his cheeks. 

“Sirius?” he said, struggling to form the ‘S’ sounds. “Why are you here?”

Sirius stepped closer and reached out a hand as he spoke, wanting to guide the other man away from the edge.

“Hey Moony, why don’t you-”

“Don’ fucking touch me,” Remus said, flinching away violently, causing him to sway precariously. “Jus’ go.”

“I don’t think I can do that, Remus. How about I just sit down over here?” he suggested, patting a spot on the ledge just out of arms reach. 

Remus stared for a moment, unfocused. Eventually he just shrugged, directing his attention back to the street below. Sirius sat on the ledge beside Remus, keeping a distance between them. 

“What are you doing up here?” he asked, keeping his tone low and level.

Once again, Remus looked at him as if he hadn’t realized he was there. He didn’t seem to have understood the question and just started blankly at Sirius. No, more like through him. Sirius had seen his partner all kinds of fucked up over the years, but this was different. 

“Moony, I need you to look at me,” he reached out to touch his face, then thought better of it. “Hey, focus, please. I know it’s hard, but I need you to do this for me.”

The words seemed to penetrate through the haze just a little bit. Remus’ eyes focused on him.

“Why are you here?” Remus asked for the second time.

“Moony, I know you’ve been drinking, but have you taken anything? Hey! Focus, Remi, have you taken anything?”

He looked as though it were a great effort, sifting through his thoughts and memories to find the answer to Sirius’ question. It seemed like ages before he finally spoke.

“I don’ want t’ do this Pads. I can’t do it,” he said softly, with great concentration.

Sirius’s blood turned to ice. Remus was gripping the edge harder than ever.

“What do you mean, Moony? What can’t you do?”

He took one hand off the edge and gestured vaguely at everything, causing him to lurch forward slightly. Sirius was ready to lunge for him when he grabbed back onto the edge steadying himself. It was taking everything in him to remain patient. This (sitting, talking, deescalating) was not how he dealt with things. This was how Remus dealt with things, and he was being decidedly unhelpful.

“S’all too much.”

Sirius thought for a moment that he might elaborate. He didn’t.

“What are you doing on the roof, Moony?” Sirius asked, a hint of hysteria creeping into his voice.

“Why are you here?” Remus asked once more, really looking at Sirius for the first time. 

“I was worried about you.”

“But why? Why d’you care?”

The question was like a knife in Sirius’ heart.

“Because I love you. I thought that was obvious, remember?”

Remus stared a little longer, then turned back away without answering. He seemed to be losing focus again.

“Why don’t we go back to the flat,” he suggested.

There was no response. Remus was starting to lilt forward, eyes struggling to keep open. 

“Remus, I really think we should move back from the-” 

Just as Sirius was moving across to grab him, Remus slumped dramatically, eyes rolling back. Sirius pounced. He dove towards Remus, tackling him backwards from the edge. The two of them tumbled into the courtyard, Remus’ shoulder and wrist hitting the ground with a sickening thud as Sirius landed on top of him. He managed to get his hands in behind Remus’ head and prevent it from slamming into the concrete.

The sudden movement and pain seemed to bring Remus back to alertness. He let out a yell and shoved Sirius off him, shuffling back, clutching his injured arm. His eyes were darting back and forth as if he didn’t quite know how he’d got there.

The adrenaline seemed to cut through the fog a bit, though Sirius strongly suspected they were not out of the woods. As soon as the rush subsided Remus was likely to start fading out again. He had to act quickly.

“Remus,” he said as he knelt in front of him, keeping his voice and body language gentle, “I need you to tell me what you’ve taken.”

He still seemed to be struggling to comprehend the question, but after a moment he reached into his pocket, wincing as he let go of his injured arm, and pulled out a small object. He tossed it down in front of Sirius.

He picked it up, examining it. It was an empty blister packet. He read the text printed on the foil. ‘Quaalude's.’ He’d tried them once about a year ago. It had been fine, but he was generally the type to try something once out of curiosity. He’d never done it again, so he didn’t know much about it. He had no idea where Remus even got them from. He did remember Marlene being very adamant that you should never take them while drinking, though.

“How many of these did you take?”

Remus stared at the packet as if he was shocked to see it there, trying to figure out what it could possibly mean but knowing that it was nothing good. He slowly looked up to meet Sirius' eyes with a look of dawning horror.

"What did I do?" he whispered.

The adrenaline was wearing off and his eyes were glazing over again. Sirius stood up and contemplated how to get Remus inside. There was no way they could make it down four flights of stairs. He was silently cursing their wards, which prevented him from apparating directly into the apartment. He’d have to get him to the hall and usher him inside. Hopefully he didn’t pass out before then.

Remus didn’t resist as Sirius grabbed him. They managed to make it into the flat and with great effort and very little cooperation, he dragged Remus as far as the couch where he promptly slumped over. He wasn’t unconscious, exactly. His eyes were still fluttering open from time to time, but he didn’t seem to be aware of anything happening around him.


	12. Friends in Low Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Remus' condition rapidly deteriorates, Sirius tries to get help. Nothing is ever easy, is it?

Sirius didn’t know a lot about muggle drugs. Beyond a little bit of experimenting in the past, it really wasn’t his area of expertise. The irony of it was that Remus would probably know exactly what was wrong and how to fix it. Which, the more Sirius thought about it, the more frightening that thought became. How could he do something so stupid? He had to have known what would happen.

Remus’ breathing was growing increasingly shallow. Sirius felt his pulse. It was steady, but weak. He had no idea what to do. Lily might know what to do but she couldn’t leave the house. James and Peter would both know even less than him. 

He tapped Remus’ cheek a few times, calling out his name, trying to keep him alert. He was completely unresponsive. 

Dorcas. Of course, she was a healer. She’d know what to do.

Sirius grabbed a handful of flu powder by the fireplace and tossed it in. A moment later he was looking into Marlene and Dorcas’ living room. He called out. Marlene appeared, kneeling in front of the fireplace, alarmed.

“Marley, I need you to get Dory, now!”

“She’s at work! What’s wrong Sirius? What happened?” she inquired frantically.

“Fuck. Just- does she have a healing kit at home?”

Marlene nodded.

“Good, grab it and flu over to the flat. Now!” he added when she didn’t move right away.

Marlene didn’t ask questions, she just got up and ran. Sirius pulled his head out of the fireplace and went to sit back beside Remus. A minute later, the fireplace was alight with bright green flames. Marlene stepped out, medical bag in hand.

She let out a gasp as she saw Remus, almost dropping the bag. She ran to his side, dropping to her knees beside Sirius, who was gripping his partners hand with an iron grip, trying to shake him awake. Remus’ lips were starting to turn blue. He wasn't breathing.

“What happened?” she asked urgently, unzipping the bag.

“He took these along with most of a bottle of Firewhisky,” said Sirius frantically, handing over the empty blister packet.

Marlene took the packet. Her eyes widened. 

“How many of these did he take?” 

“I don’t know. Could’ve been the whole packet.”

“When did this happen?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t… I wasn’t home. I found him about twenty or thirty minutes ago, but he was sitting up and talking then.”

Marlene just nodded. She dug through the bag and pulled out a few small potion bottles. She uncorked one and tipped it into Remus’ mouth.

“Healing potion, should help sober him up and keep him breathing.”

The effect was almost immediate. Remus took a deep, shuddering breath and his color started returning. She uncorked another bottle and tipped it into his mouth, speaking as she did.

“Awakening potion. It will stop him from falling asleep for at least the next ten hours. Keep him awake and alert long enough for everything to work its way out of his system. It’ll take about a minute to kick in. Be prepared, he’s going to have a hell of a hangover.”

They both sat in silence for the next minute, just watching him. All of a sudden, his eyes flew open and he sat up, clutching at his chest and gasping, ripping his hand from Sirius' in the process.

“Remus, you’re okay. You're safe,” Marlene reassured.

Sirius watched as Remus’ eyes darted around the room, taking in his surroundings. They finally landed on Sirius. He backed away, pulling his legs under him on the couch. Sirius tried not to be too hurt when Remus turned to speak to Marlene, ignoring him. He supposed that was fair.

“What happened?” he asked, his voice shaky.

Marlene looked between Remus and Sirius questioningly. When neither of them offered context, she decided not to pry.

“Well, I was hoping maybe you could tell us that.”

Remus looked thoughtful for a moment, trying to piece together events. Eventually he just shook his head in defeat.

“Alright,” said Marlene slowly. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

He glanced at Sirius again, then looked away. 

“It’s a bit of a blur. I went up to the roof. I don’t remember coming back down here.”

“That’s because I brought you down. You were barely conscious,” Sirius supplied.

“Do you remember taking these?” asked Marlene, handing him the blister packet.

Remus grabbed it and turned it over in his hands. The color seemed to drain from his face. When he spoke his voice was laced with embarrassment.

“I only took two. I was drunk, it was stupid.” He stared at the blister pack and Sirius saw the same look of dawning horror that he had seen on the roof. “This was full. Marley, what the fuck did I do?”

Marlene was tearing up at the look in his eyes. She knew that feeling. Waking up in the morning and coming face to face with lasts nights mistakes. She reached out and held his hand. He winced as a sharp pain shot through his arm. Marlene pulled up his sleeve, revealing heavy bruising and swelling. They both looked to Sirius, confused.

“You were on the ledge on the roof when I found you,” Sirius supplied, shuddering at the memory. “When you started to pass out I had to tackle you to stop you from… you know.”

“He was what?” asked Marlene in shock. 

She turned back to Remus, who was looking down at his injured arm, brow furrowed. 

“Remi, why were you on the roof?” she asked, sounding as though she might cry.

He didn’t look at either of them as he spoke.

“I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was drunk, and stoned. Even the parts I remember are just a blur.”

“I haven’t even seen you have a drink for months. Why would you do something like this?”

She watched as Remus and Sirius shared a quick look. Clearly there was more to this story than they were telling her.

“I’m fine, Marley. Really. Thank you for your help, but I really just want to get some rest.”

“I’m sorry but that won’t be happening for a while. I gave you an Awakening potion, so you won’t be able to sleep until tonight. Besides, I don’t think I can help you with your arm. I think we should go to Saint Mungo’s. We can have Dorcas take a look.”

“No!” he exclaimed. “No, I don’t want Dorcas to know about this. You know how she is, she’ll report the incident to Dumbledore and it’ll be a whole thing. Please, Marley can we just keep everyone else out of this?” he pleaded.

“I don’t know, Remi,” she said hesitantly. “You need someone to look at that arm. And I don’t know if I’m comfortable keeping this from her.”

“Please. It was just a stupid mistake and it’s nobody else’s business.”

“Remus, you could’ve died. If I hadn’t come home when I did…” Sirius couldn’t even finish the thought.

“Please be honest with me right now. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I can’t leave here, and I definitely can’t agree to keep this from Dory and the others, until you answer me honestly. Do you understand?” asked Marlene. 

He nodded.

“Remus, are you thinking about hurting yourself again? Because your actions tonight are telling a pretty clear story, drunk or not.”

Sirius held his breath as he waited for the response. He’d caused this. He’d made this happen. Remus was still barley acknowledging that he was in the room.

“No. Marley, no. I wasn’t in my right mind. I… the last few weeks have just been- and then last night was… I was in a state. I don’t know why I did any of what I did. I didn’t mean to. I don’t even remember taking the rest of the pills. I don’t know why I did it.”

Tears were running silently down his face as he spoke. Marlene struggled to hold back her own. Sirius felt a new wave of shame as he listened to Remus cover for him, not telling Marlene what he’d done.

She didn’t look completely convinced, but apparently he’d sounded sincere enough, or pathetic enough, to bring her around to his side.

“Alright. But if you won’t go to St Mungo’s you have to at least go to a muggle hospital. They can still probably help you better than I can. I don’t think it’s broken.” She turned to face Sirius. “Don’t let him out of your sight, okay? I have to go to class now, but I’m coming back tomorrow. That’s non-negotiable.”

Sirius nodded at her. Marlene packed up the medical bag. Then, in a very un-Marlene fashion, she hugged Sirius and Remus tightly in turn. When she got to Sirius she pulled him away slightly, speaking in a low voice, though not so low Remus couldn't hear.

"Hey, I saw Peter the other day," said Marlene. "He told me about your brother. I'm sorry," she said, more heartfelt than she'd ever sounded.

Sirius blanched. He hadn't so much as thought about Regulus since arriving on the roof. He didn't have the time or space for those feelings, not when Remus just nearly died on their couch. Fuck. Oh fuck. Sirius managed to catch his breath before he started chocking up.

"Marley, I just can't right now," he said while shaking his head. 

"Yeah, of course. Look after yourself," she said, leaving him with another hug before fluing back through the fireplace.

Remus lay his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. Sirius sat on the floor, back against an armchair, watching his chest with every rise and fall. They stayed that way in silence for over an hour.

“Come on,” Sirius said eventually when he noticed Remus holding his arm in an increasingly tight grip. “Let’s go to hospital. It’s close by, we can walk.”

He kept his voice soft, reaching out a hand to help Remus up. Remus didn’t speak, but he allowed himself to be guided by Sirius.


	13. With a Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are no easy fixes to the problems Remus and Sirius are facing, but a visit to the hospital may provide some relief.

The hospital hadn’t been so bad. Turns out he’d dislocated his wrist, but it seemed to have popped itself back into place. Sirius had been forced to stay in the waiting area (“Family only, sir. Are you his brother? Can I see some ID?”) for which Remus was grateful. 

The ER doctor had looked at him very strangely during the examination. He scanned him up and down, eyes focusing on his many scars.

“Any significant medical history?” he asked pointedly.

“No,” Remus lied.

The doctor quirked an eyebrow suspiciously.

“Car accident when I was a kid,” he lied again.

“And the fresh ones?” he said, gesturing to the base or Remus’ neck.

“I’m very clumsy.”

“Uh huh,” he said with narrowed eyes.

He left it alone. Remus could only imagine the scenarios running through his head. Still, he wrote Remus a prescription for painkillers, bandaged him up and sent him on his way with an order to rest.

They swung by the pharmacy on the way home, which confused Sirius, who had no idea how a prescription worked.

Remus had been to muggle doctors a few times over the years when his injuries were worse than they could fix at home. He generally preferring to avoid St Mungo’s as he was still on their records from his hospitalization after his childhood attack as a lycanthrope and most of the Healers there went out of their way to make visits as unpleasant as possible. It made him miss Madam Pomfrey desperately. They weren’t technically allowed to deny him treatment, but most of the time he’d prefer to just suffer the pain than put up with the staff, who ranged from passive aggressive to openly hostile.

That was actually how Dorcas had found out about his condition. He’d had to go in after a particularly brutal transformation and she’d recognized the sound of Sirius’ voice cussing out the Healer on call in the emergency room for some particularly unsavory comments. Remus had been pretty out of it at the time. He’d lost consciousness by the time Dorcas barged in, but he was told she insisted on taking over the case herself, despite only being in the early days of her training.

He made the choice to tell Marlene soon after that. He figured Dorcas would let it slip eventually despite promising otherwise. If they were going to leave him, he’d rather they just get it out of the way. They never did.

This was the first time he’d ever been prescribed opiates. Usually it was just some NSAIDs and maybe some muscle relaxants. Even the muggle doctors tended to view him with a fair amount of caution, taking a more conservative approach to treatment. Apparently he looked 'sketchy.' Sirius had also learned very quickly (after nearly getting in a punch up with an ER doctor) that introducing himself as the boyfriend was not a good idea.

From the time they left the flat to the time they got back, Sirius and Remus did not speak a word to each other. Remus went straight for the bedroom, despite knowing full well he couldn’t sleep for hours yet. He was stopped by the sound of Sirius’ voice, which was almost timid. It was a very unusual tone coming from him.

“Remus, I think you should stay out here, with me. I’m sorry, I know it’s…” he rubbed at the back of his neck as he spoke. “I’d rather you weren’t alone right now.”

Remus flushed with embarrassment. He wanted to argue, but he figured it was the least he owed Sirius after what he put him through with the whole stupid mess. He sat down on the armchair, grabbing a book off the coffee table without bothering to check what it was. He was only pretending to read, anyway.

Sirius let out a sigh and sat down on the couch. After a few minutes he grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill, aimlessly scribbling to pass the time. Remus could feel him glancing up every few minutes, as if he were afraid he’d managed to hurl himself off the balcony without being noticed. Remus wanted to tell him it was fine; the whole thing had just been an idiotic mistake that he barley remembered. But that would involve talking, and he really didn’t have it in him for that.

Remus was sure he’d fucked up in a way that couldn’t be forgiven. He’d lied and then when called out just made it all about himself. He was just waiting for Sirius to tell him it was over. He was probably holding back because he was worried Remus would do something completely stupid again. Honestly, he couldn’t even say for certain that he wouldn’t. If he had to go out on another one of those fucking missions knowing that he didn’t have Sirius to come home to… 

It was hardly the first time the thought had crossed his mind. More and more in recent years, as it had become apparent how little the future was likely to hold for someone like him. He always had something to hold onto though. He always had his friends. Had Sirius.

He shook his head, derailing the train of thought, ignoring the concerned glance from Sirius as he did. He could not think like that. What had happened terrified him. It didn’t even feel real, that he could have done what he did. It wasn’t planned. He didn’t even remember making the choice. He remembered thinking about it, panicked, drunk and high. He remembered going to the roof. It was just thoughts, though. He didn’t mean to act on it. It had only ever been thoughts.

How stupid, how selfish and cowardly. In the middle of a war. The only person capable of doing the work he did. The consequences of Voldemort and Fenrir Greyback being able to successfully unite and organize (weaponize) the packs would be enormous. Sirius was right, he was wallowing in self pity. 

It wasn’t until Sirius got up and switched the light on that Remus realized they had been sitting in darkness. How much time had passed like this?

His head was throbbing, and he was shaky and weak. His arm was still radiating dull pain up through to his shoulder. He was finally starting to feel sleepy again. He’d certainly been in worse shape, but he was still in need of rest.

“I think the potion’s wearing off. I can sleep on the couch tonight,” he offered softly, but clear in his desire to be alone.

“I was going to order dinner. You should eat,” said Sirius, trying to sound supportive without being overbearing.

Remus stood up, shaking his head.

“Not hungry.”

Sirius sighed.

“I’ll take the couch- you’re injured, I won’t budge on this,” he said before Remus had the chance to argue.

Remus nodded, heading to the bedroom. Sirius gave him a few minutes alone to prepare for bed, then knocked gently on the door and entered to find Remus already under the covers. He came in with a glass of water and Remus’ prescription from earlier. He’d decided to keep hold of the medication and administer it himself. He didn’t really know what the medication was, but he certainly wasn’t leaving the whole lot unattended after what happened.

Remus looked in his direction, though not quite in his eyes as he sat up a bit. Sirius set down the glass.

“So, the doctor said to take one or two of these… Morphine?” he said as he read the packaging. “You ever had it before?”

Remus shook his head. He knew what it was. That and other opiates were one of the drugs of choice in the packs. Being a werewolf was a painful ordeal a lot of the time, so it made sense that the painkillers would be so popular. He’d always avoided them though. They made you dopey, whereas the stimulants kept you alert. Those places weren’t somewhere he wanted to risk being vulnerable like that.

“Well, you’re clearly in a lot of pain.”

Sirius popped out two of the pills. He put them in Remus’ hand, leaning close. The tension between them shifted as their fingers brushed against each other. Sirius wanted nothing more than to be close to him. To pull him into a hug and hold him until the sun came up. He resisted the urge.

What he did do was lean forward and place a gentle kiss against Remus’ forehead. Remus closed his eyes tightly, fighting back the rush of emotions that he could not sort through in the moment. With that kiss, Remus brought his hand to his mouth and swallowed the pills dry as Sirius pulled away.

It would be half an hour before it started to kick in, and months before he’d even begin to understand what had changed in that moment. Years before he really reckoned with the consequences. One moment, punctuated with a gentle kiss from Sirius Black, that would cascade across the rest of his life.

All he knew that night was that as he fell asleep, alone in the bed he usually shared after one of the worst days of his life so far, he somehow felt at peace.


	14. Persistent Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin understands pain. Sirius Black is not so sure he understands Remus Lupin anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually have chronic pain. Have done my entire life. I think it's one of the things that really draws me to Remus as a character. It's an aspect of his condition that I think is often neglected. It's honestly something that's really, really difficult to fully explain to people, but I hope I'm able to do it some justice.  
> Also, on a side note, I've made a real effort with this story to make the drugs/medications period accurate. Obviously today it would be really unlikely that you'd be prescribed something like Morphine as a first line painkiller. It would likely be oxy, but that wasn't really a thing in the early 80's. That's also why drugs like MDMA don't show up even though I actually think he'd be more into that than speed or cocaine. Anyway, this doesn't really matter for the story, but if you're thinking my choices are weird, there's my justification.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and I would appreciate any comments :)

There were obvious downsides to being a werewolf. Turning into a dangerous, raging monster every full moon is the one most people would pick. Being seen as a monster by the rest of society every single other day of the lunar cycle is the one most people would rather not think about. The discrimination, the marginalization, the chronic unemployment, the loss of family and friends, the lying, the hiding. The list could go on and on.

Remus’ close friends knew about all of this. They had seen it in action. Though even the Marauders, even Sirius, didn’t get the fullest extent of it. Not for lack of trying, they just couldn’t. By the time they came into his life his family had already been reduced down to just his parents, living in poverty, thanks to his illness. That was a whole fun journey that they had not been there to witness. They hadn't watched as it slowly changed his mother into someone other than the warm, gentle being from his earliest memories. As his father had slowly killed his liver to cope with it all, and now in turn it was killing him. 

There was one particular aspect of lycanthropy that didn’t really get talked about. Perhaps because it seemed almost trivial compared to the rest of it. Perhaps because, unlike the mistreatment from others, there was nothing to fight. Nothing to rage against. Nobody to blame.

Pain. 

Every day of his life, Remus Lupin was in physical pain. 

Sure, they had all seen the immediate aftermath of his transformations. And they knew about his aches and nausea in the week leading up to the moon. Intellectually, if they thought about it, they probably understood that the pain never really went away. How could it? There was never enough recovery time. It ebbed and flowed with the moon, but it was always there on some level. Still, it was very easy for everyone else not to think too hard about it. After all, he’d been sick and exhausted as long as they’d all known him. They were so used to it they could hardly imagine him any other way. 

Remus was very good at compensating for pain. He was very, very good at functioning through the kind of pain that would put most people out of commission. He didn’t talk about it, didn’t complain. If it got bad enough that he had no choice but to accept help, he would do so with a stoic calm. It was usually on him to offer reassurances to Sirius and the others that he was okay. He knew they hated feeling helpless and he wanted to protect them from that.

But he wasn’t okay.

The thing about pain is that you never really get used to it. Everyone around you gets used to it, and you learn to cope, to function. The pain never actually gets better, but you get better at dealing with it, and isn't that basically the same thing from an outside perspective?

Then Remus tried morphine.

For the first time for as long as he could remember, he wasn’t in pain.

It had never even occurred to him that this was a possibility. There were potions and charms designed to alleviate pain, but they generally only worked on specific ailments or to treat minor pain. Wounds associated with curses were especially difficult to treat, and there was very little headway being made on the matter. Remus suspected it was yet another symptom of the Wizarding worlds (particularly in Britain) cultural tendency to deny suffering, preferring the grit your teeth and buck up approach.

Remus couldn’t believe that all these years there had been an alternative. Sure, it wasn’t a cure, but it was a fucking break.

A couple of those pills and he was floating somewhere high above it all. His body felt light. It always felt so heavy all the time, but on the pills, it was light. The euphoria wasn’t like anything else he’s tried. It wasn’t the loud buzzing rush of cocaine or the quite ease of benzos. It was a sense of peace, gentle. It spread through his whole body. He could just lie there for hours, letting the world wash over him, totally content. 

He didn’t understand why he’d been so reluctant to try it in the past. He’d encountered a lot of fear from muggles around opiates. They were some big, scary life ruining thing. It seemed ridiculous. There wasn’t any real come down. He didn’t feel out of control. This was easy. If anything, it made him crave all the other stuff less.

It went on for three days, Remus taking the medication as instructed by the doctor. He didn’t have much of a choice, as Sirius was keeping strict control over it. Sometime during the first night after the hospital, when he’d been sleeping, Sirius had scoured the flat and made sure it was clear of all pills and alcohol. Anything Remus took was under strict supervision. 

Marlene had kept her word and come back the next day (while Remus pretended to sleep). Sirius had run the medication by her just to make sure, but she didn’t know anything about it. Marlene might have been relatively knowledgeable about recreational muggle substances, but she was still a pure blood, so she generally only understood the things she had personal experience with. If Sirius had said a word like 'heroin' to her she likely would have heard of it and warned Sirius to keep a close watch, but morphine was not a word she knew. Remus was grateful for that. He knew that Sirius wasn’t concerned with any sort of long-term issues, he was just focused on what would happen if Remus downed the whole pack at once. Marlene, on the other hand, would have kept an eye on him if she’d known. She’d become almost annoyingly pro-sobriety since her own troubles and was already worried enough about him. Fortunately, nobody questioned something that came from a doctor.

Not that it mattered. He was a little disappointed when the meds ran out, but his arm was mostly healed, and he was used to pain. It wasn’t a big deal. Still, it had helped ease his anxiety a bit, and he was definitely feeling the tension.

After three days, Remus and Sirius had still not had a single conversation that didn’t revolve around practical necessity. It was actually quite a feat considering that Remus was not left alone at any point in those three days except to sleep, and even then, at least once an hour the bedroom door was cracked open for Sirius to check on him. It’s not that Remus didn’t want to talk, he just had no idea what the fuck to say. Sorry? Sorry your brother’s dead? Sorry I’ve been lying to you for ages? Sorry I still can’t tell the truth? Sorry you had to deal with my breakdown when you’re the one who needs comfort right now? Sorry I’m such a pathetic fuck up? Sorry you need to take care of me and probably will as long as we’re together?

On day four, when they were in their new routine of sitting in the living room together whilst staunchly pretending they were actually alone, Sirius spoke. It hadn’t been this hard for him to start a conversation with Remus since fifth year, in the aftermath of yet another thoughtlessly cruel act on Sirius’ part. Still, this conversation had to happen eventually. No matter how much they both just wanted to disappear.

“Remus,” he said, getting his attention. “Can we talk, please?”

Remus closed his book, trying to push down the nausea that was mounting in his gut. He’d pretty much just been doing everything Sirius asked of him without question or argument the past few days. He’d been anticipating this moment, and he wasn’t going to fight it, but he still wasn’t ready for it.

“Sure,” he responded evenly.

“I have to go back to work tomorrow. I can’t be out sick any longer without proof.”

“Okay,” Remus said, trying to keep the relief out of his voice.

“So, I was thinking maybe you could go spend the day with Lily. I think she’s going a bit crazy locked up at home, you know.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Remus spat with a sudden burst of irritation.

“Please don’t make this harder. I’m trying.”

Remus closed his eyes a moment, taking a deep breath.

“I’m sorry. I am too, it’s just…” he gestured vaguely.

Sirius nodded. He knew the feeling. 

“What I meant to say,” Remus clarified, “is that I can handle being alone. You don’t need to worry.”

“That’s kind of a hard sell, Moony, given what happened last time you were alone.”

Sirius was trying to keep the conversation light, but there was no way to avoid the elephant in the room. Still, he felt guilty when Remus flushed bright red.

“I’m fine,” Remus said, pinching the bridge of his nose as if staving off a headache. “I’m not going to do anything stupid. I don’t know how to prove that to you.”

“Well, you could tell James, Lily, and Peter what happened. Or let me tell them. I’d feel a lot better knowing I wasn’t the only person looking out for you.”

“Please don’t do that. It’s bad enough they know about the missions.”

“What the fuck happened to us, Remus? I don’t even know who we are anymore.”

Sirius felt just as surprised by his own words as Remus looked, but as soon as he spoke, he knew it needed to be said. He’d been walking on eggshells since That Night, but he knew if he didn’t force the conversation, it would never happen. It had always been that way between them. 

“I don’t know,” Remus said softly.

“Everything is so messed up right now. I have no idea what’s happening in your life, in your head. You lied to me, and I’m not trying to start a fight. Maybe it was justified, maybe not, but you did it. The thing that really scares me is I had no idea. I fell for it completely. I don’t understand how you kept it up, I could never do something like that,” Sirius finished, unable to fully keep the accusation from his voice.

“Of course you wouldn’t, you’re a terrible liar,” said Remus with an awkward laugh. His attempt at teasing was not well received.

“Yeah. Am I supposed to be ashamed of that?”

Remus was silent. He had no idea what to say, all he knew was that he wanted to be anywhere else. He briefly thought about the morphine. This conversation would have been a lot easier before it ran out. After a moment he got up and moved to sit next to Sirius on the couch. He put a hand on Sirius’ knee.

“I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you. Everything you said the other night, everything you’re saying now, you’re right. I just get so wrapped up in my own shit sometimes I don’t know how to get out,” said Remus 

Sirius was caught off guard by the physical contact and the sudden vulnerability. He looked into Remus’ eyes, searching for sincerity. What he saw was a pain that was almost overwhelming. He leaned in closer and brought his hand up to Remus’ cheek. Remus leaned forward and kissed him, grabbing Sirius’ collar with his good arm and pulling him in close. He pulled back slightly after a moment.

“Sirius, please don’t tell the others what happened. They won’t understand. They already have enough worry,” Remus pleaded, close enough that Sirius could feel his breath against his face.

“Remi, _I_ don’t understand,” Sirius admitted.

“I know. I don’t deserve it, but please,” Remus said, moving his free hand further up Sirius’ thigh, “just trust me. I’m okay. I swear I’m okay.”

Sirius didn’t have time to respond before Remus kissed him again. It was back, that edge of desperation from when things had been bad before. This time Sirius could feel it coming from himself as much as Remus, like they were both terrified that the other would disappear at any moment. 

It wasn’t until Sirius woke up the next morning in their shared bed, Remus asleep by his side, that he realized. He kicked himself mentally, not quite believing he’d let it happen. Once again, Sirius had tried to have a hard conversation and once again, Remus had cut it short with sex. Nothing was solved, nothing was better. Well, at least they weren’t ignoring each other anymore, Sirius thought. That had to be some kind of progress. He felt a surge of anger as he rolled out of bed. 

He left for work soon after, looking back at Remus one final time before heading out. Fine, he wanted to be left alone? He refused to talk? Whatever. He was a grown man and Sirius was, as Remus had pointed out, not his fucking babysitter.


	15. A Mother's Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus goes on a bender.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've let spell check Americanize the spelling of this story because I can't stand those damn squiggly red lines and I know a lot of AO3 users are American, but I will not budge on my spelling of the word 'mum.' I won't.

Sirius had been away for four days. He was on some mission for the Order, investigating some rumors in the south. The details were vague. Not that Remus heard it from him, anyway. No, it had been a note left on the kitchen bench. They hadn’t actually spoken or even seen each other in almost a week. He almost felt the note had been left out of spite, not care. As if to say, 'See me keeping you in the loop? Do you see how I'm honest in a way you never could be?'

It had been about two months since That Night, and the only thing that was getting any better was the sex. They’d dropped all pretense of trying to talk things through and when they were actually home at the same time (something they both avoided as much as possible) they spent their time doing one thing only. 

Remus wouldn’t describe the sex as devoid of feeling, exactly. There were a lot of feelings. None of them particularly positive, but certainly passionate. Remus knew why he was doing what he was doing. At this point it was really just anything to feel good for a moment. Anything to avoid dealing with things he just did not have the capacity to deal with. He didn’t really know what Sirius got out of the whole thing. 

It was always rough. Never violent, but not tender. Remus didn’t feel loved when they fucked like he always had in the past. Actually, he sort of felt like Sirius hated him. In some sick way that almost made it better. After all, Remus was pretty certain he deserved to be hated.

Most nights, Remus just didn’t come home. For a while he’d tried to at least endure the awkward silences in hopes that it would improve, but then he had to leave for two weeks on another wretched mission. Sirius did not take well to him vanishing without an explanation (not even a note), nor did he extend sympathy when Remus came back home a complete mess. At least he didn’t ask questions, just as Remus didn’t question when Sirius came home with bruised knuckles, smelling of liquor, the tell-tale signs he’d been picking fights with assholes.

Remus, too, had officially given up on giving up drinking. Or sleeping reasonable hours. Or eating. Or speaking to his friends. Or trying to find any sort of work to fill the time that he wasn’t out sick or on missions. Fortunately, he’d been provided with a stipend by the Order, as he couldn’t possibly be expected to support himself when he was constantly having to disappear for weeks at a time and he sure as shit wasn't asking Sirius for help. He was putting the allowance to good use supporting the local night life. He wouldn't say he had muggle friends, exactly, but people he was friendly with. His dealer, some former coworkers. Enough that he didn't have to go out alone most nights. Even when he did, he always found someone willing to talk his ear off so he could think about their problems instead of his own.

For a while it had just been drinking. A lot of drinking. And cocaine. And whatever the hell else anyone cared to offer, he wasn’t all that picky. Okay, so things had escalated pretty quickly. Still, he hadn’t even been thinking much about the opiates. Not until he went back to the packs and was, as usual, surrounded by them. In the past it had not been an issue. He didn’t know what he was missing so it was easy to keep away. Things had changed, though, and whilst he had diligently refused to use them whilst on a mission, he came back to London with one thing on his mind.

That was a month ago. It had involved shopping around with a few doctors before he managed to find someone to write him a script. It wasn’t cheap, but he considered it well worth the cost. It made for a fantastic hangover cure when he crawled home in the morning after Sirius had left for work. He could just drift off into a peaceful stupor and not have to think or feel. They were prescribed by a legitimate doctor. He had a real condition and very real pain, so he figured it was fine. If anything, he was drinking less while he was taking them, which was an improvement.

His friends had been trying to get in touch with him. He had no idea what Sirius had or hadn’t been saying to them, but he was leaving their letters unopened, except to send the occasional short response assuring them that he was, in fact, still alive. He just wasn’t in the mood to deal with any of it. He hadn’t seen any of them in ages and had no plans to. He was well aware he was a fucking mess and they didn’t deserve to put up with his shit. Thankfully, they were all far too busy (or in hiding) to be able to drop by unexpectedly in the middle of the day when he was actually home. 

Marlene especially had been trying to reach him, but he had been avoiding her like a bad case of Dragon Pox. She knew too much and was unfailingly blunt. She’d take one look at him and call a fucking intervention and he did not need that shit. He knew he couldn’t avoid them all forever, but he needed enough time to get his shit together. Soon. He would figure it out soon.

So, Sirius had been gone for four days, and Remus wasn’t really sure when he’d be back. That was fine. It was good to have some space. Nice to have the flat to himself. He’d actually taken a few days off from partying to spend some time alone to recuperate. It was even pleasant, as long as he did everything in his power to block out the crushing loneliness and bitter silence of his empty home. 

Three days of coke and pills. Three days of a steady stream of Firewhisky. Three days all alone. Completely alone. Fuck. He had to get out. He was barely able to stand, to think. Couldn’t have even guessed at what particular combination and quantities of substances were in his system in that moment. All he knew was that if he stayed alone in that flat a second longer he was going back up to that fucking roof, and he refused to go down that path again.

As soon as he was in the hall he turned on the spot, feeling that familiar sensation of being forced through a very tight tube. He had a picture in his mind, though he hadn’t even registered what it was until he emerged with a crack in Godric’s Hollow, a few meters from James and Lily’s front yard. He stared for a second. Then stumbled forward as he doubled over, throwing up on the neatly trimmed lawn. Maybe apparating hadn’t been the best idea.

He shook his head, trying to break through the haze. This wasn’t what he intended. Though now that he was there, he found he couldn’t ignore the ache in his chest. He’d never gone this long without seeing his friends. Not since the summer between his first and second year of Hogwarts. He really did miss them terribly. Fuck it. He made some small effort to straighten himself up, running his hands through his wavy hair, brushing the grime off his outfit that he hadn’t changed for two days.

He walked forward to the door and lifted his fist to knock. It opened before he got the chance, revealing a sleepy James in his pajamas, rubbing blearily at his eyes, nearly knocking his glasses off in the process. He grabbed Remus by the shirt and dragged him inside without speaking.

Once the door was closed and Remus was marched into the kitchen, James finally spoke as he headed straight for the coffee maker. 

“Moony you scared the actual, literal piss out of me apparating into the street at four in the morning. I wake up ready to get into a fight and then look out the window to see your drunk ass for the first time in months and you’re damn lucky that Lily has been so exhausted she took a sleeping potion and could sleep through an explosion right now because if she saw you in this sorry state with all her crazy pregnancy hormones she’d never let you leave this house. I mean it, she’d tie you to a chair and mother you until you’re old and grey. She’s even worse than me lately, though now that I’ve said it, I have half a mind to do it myself.”

By the time James had finished speaking, he was handing Remus a very hot, very strong cup of coffee. Remus pushed it away due to the nauseating smell. A moment later it was followed by a little potion bottle of what Remus thought was some kind of mild healing potion. They usually had a good stock in the Potter home. Lily had a lot of free time to work on brewing. Remus stared blankly at the little bottle, having processed only a fraction of what James had said.

James let out a long suffering sigh. “For Merlin’s sake Moony I am not talking to you like this. Drink the potion. You’re in a right state, I can’t even believe you apparated like this. It’s a miracle you didn’t splinch yourself.”

Remus picked up the potion and downed the whole thing in one gulp. It hit him like a freight train. He was still a little out of it, but not enough that he wasn’t mortified by the situation he’d gotten himself into. He was suddenly acutely aware of every ache in his body and the fact that he hadn’t consumed anything that wasn’t designed to get him drunk or high for days. 

James must have picked up on his distress, because in a flash he was beside Remus, looping his arm around his side and guiding him over to the living room couch. 

“Alright buddy, you’ll be fine.”

Remus pulled away, putting a few steps between himself and James.

“Prongs I am so fucking sorry. I’m going to go. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking coming here,” Remus said as he headed for the door. 

James grabbed his arm faster than Remus could move away. Months chained to a desk hadn’t dulled his reflexes, apparently.

“Are you kidding me? Remus John Lupin, are you genuinely thick? If you don’t sit down right this second, I will hex you until you aren’t capable of taking a single step out that door or anywhere ever again.”

Remus closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath. He briefly considered calling James’ bluff, but even at his best he wasn’t as quick as his friend, and he was decidedly not at his best. He yanked his arms out of James’ grip and went to sit on the couch. James sat down across from him and just stared, shaking his head.

“So… how have you been, then?” asked James.

“Yeah, I’ve been pretty great,” replied Remus with sarcastic cheer.

“I’ll bet you have. Mountains of blow will do that.”

Remus looked as incredulous as he could muster in his exhausted state. He was confused when James laughed out loud at him.

“Moony, you can take offense when you’ve managed to stem the nosebleed that you’ve had since you got to the bloody door, no pun intended.”

Remus swiped his hand under his nose and sure enough it came back red. He muttered a ‘fuck’ as he pinched his nose. James rolled his eyes and leaned forward, tapping his wand to Remus’ face and murmuring a quick spell that stopped the bleed.

“Thanks,” Remus said reluctantly. “You know, there’s a lot of things that can cause nosebleeds.”

“Sure, I bet it was allergies or whatever that made you throw up on my lawn, too,” said James, more teasing than judgmental. "Moony, your pupils were the size of dinner plates before you drank that potion. Can't fool me. I've been educated by the expert, by which I mean I asked Marlene a bunch of questions when she visited once because I was bored, so I hassled her until Lily made me stop."

Remus shrugged. “What can I say, not all of us are sequestered away in our hidey holes of adult responsibility. Do you remember fun?”

This time it was James who looked incredulous. “I think you and I have different definitions of the word ‘fun,’ mate.”

Remus just shrugged again.

“Is this what you’ve been doing the last couple of months? I can see why you haven’t visited, with such a busy schedule.”

“Sorry about that,” said Remus guiltily. “I wanted to, really. Things have been crazy. And fuck off, it’s just been a big night,” he lied.

“So then, has your absence been about those mysterious missions of yours?” asked James with a quirk of his eyebrow.

Remus shifted uncomfortably. “What has Sirius told you?” he asked.

“Not much. He’s actually been quite surly lately, as I’m sure you know. He keeps picking fights with everyone. Bit obnoxious, really. He gets pissy every time I ask about you,” said James, carefully gauging Remus’ reaction. Remus was staring down at the floor, wringing his hands nervously.

“He’s angry with me.”

“Yeah,” said James seriously. “Yeah, I know. He’ll get over it. I’m not going to pretend to understand what goes on in either of your demented brains, but I do know you’re both more in love than you are stubborn gits.”

“Thanks for the words of comfort, mum,” teased Remus. 

“It’s such a shame, you raise them, you love them, then they grow up and never visit or write home. Then they go on a bender and throw up in your yard,” he said with mock wistfulness. “Gosh, I hope my new kid’s as exciting as you.”

“Fuck sake James I’ll clean it up now if you want,” said Remus, shakily standing.

“Sit down you prick, I’m only teasing. Hell, it's probably good for the grass. Nutritious. Besides how many times in school did you have to clean up after the rest of us lightweights?”

“Too many,” Remus conceded with a disgusted grimace.

“You’re a good son Moony, even though you break my heart every day,” said James with an exaggerated feminine lilt.

“Fuck, now you really do sound like my mum.” James shot Remus a sympathetic look. Remus just cleared his throat awkwardly. “Enough of my shit. How are you, Prongs? Lily must be ready to burst by now.”

“That she is, my friend,” said James excitedly. “Speaking of, I’m going to go catch a few hours before I have to go to work and you damn well better be sleeping it off here because if Lily finds out you stopped by without seeing her she’s going to kill you, and then me for not waking her.”

“Yeah, right. Fuck, sorry again for waking you up.”

“Maybe next time you visit it won’t involve puke,” James said as he stood up.

“I’m never living that down, am I,” said Remus flatly.

“Absolutely not,” James replied as he pulled Remus into a hug. "I mean it, you're staying here if I have to tie you down myself."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," said Remus with a wink.

"If I wasn't a happily married man," he said waggling his eyebrows suggestively, heading up the stairs to bed. He called back over his shoulder as he ascended. “You know where everything is to set yourself up. Night Moony, love you.”

“You too, Prongs” Remus replied.

When James came down for work a couple hours later, Remus was gone. There was a note on the coffee table with a quickly scrawled thank you and a promise that he’d come visit soon. James groaned in frustration. 

Sirius had been very cagey about whatever was going on between the two of them and a right pain in the ass to deal with of late. Still, James had a baby coming very soon. He loved his friends more than anything and Merlin knows they worried him sometimes, but his two biggest priorities were currently in bed upstairs. 

“Fuck,” he muttered. Lily really was going to be pissed when he told her about this.


	16. The Packs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is on a mission. It's going good, all things considered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strong warning for graphic descriptions of violence in this chapter at the end.  
> So this and the next chapter get pretty heavy again, but I swear to you there's some light stuff incoming. Some of that sweet, sweet comfort. I'm actually pretty excited about it.
> 
> This is genuinely probably my favourite chapter I've written so far. It's also a longer one. I put a lot of time into this and I really loved writing it. I'm super proud of it. I would really love to hear your thoughts and/or feelings about this one :) Big thanks to everyone who's already commented!

Cold. It was always so cold here. His blood moved through his veins like ice and as close as he got to the fire, he could not get warm. He took another puff of the joint in his hand and held the smoke as long as he could. He passed it off to the nervous looking teenager sitting bruised beside him. The kid took it gratefully.

It was the day after the full moon and tensions were running high. Remus listened to Oliver, a big, burly bloke with thick grey hair and more tattoos than Remus could count, as he lectured the man and woman standing sheepishly in front of him. They were a few years older than Remus. A couple, he was pretty sure. They usually kept to themselves. Paranoid types.

“You want to act like fucking animals then you can sleep out in the cold like fucking animals,” Oliver spat bitterly.

“We won’t start no more shit! It wasn’t even us, that little asshole was mouthing off, like,” argued the young man. The woman beside him was gripping his arm tightly, nodding vigorously in support.

“He’s fifteen, you lousy cunts! Being mouthy is what they fucking do!” Oliver towered over them, holding them in his intimidating gaze. “You left your old pack to get away from all the fucking chaos, so you either make this right or you can fuck off back to the shithole you came from.”

For a second they looked as if they were going to continue arguing, but one more stern look made them think better of it. A moment later they were in front of the kid. The woman shot Remus a dirty look, but otherwise they didn’t acknowledge his presence.

“Sorry kid,” said the man, kicking at the dirt.

“Whatever,” the kid replied.

“Now that’s the kind of love I like to see,” said Oliver, walking up behind the couple and putting his arms around their shoulders. “Now, if I see the two of you so much as piss in the wrong direction, you won’t be sleeping inside for another week,” he said, shoving them both away from the fire. “Might want to go start your own fire somewhere, it’s gonna be a cold fucking night.”

They begrudgingly shuffled away, the woman still gripping her partner tightly. Oliver sat down on the other side of the fire across from Remus and the kid. Everyone else had retired to their various tents and caravans scattered around the edges of the clearing, knowing better than to stick around when Oliver was dolling out punishments. Only the three of them were left by the fire.

Remus would have cleared off himself if he hadn’t been the one to stop the others from beating the kid into a pulp. He got himself a black eye for the trouble. Still, he’d had worse outcomes from trying to stop violence on these missions before. There were times where he hadn't been able to stop it at all. He blocked that thought out. At least in this place the leader of the pack was on his side, rather than the one perpetrating the attack.

“So kid,” Oliver said, “You wanna tell us your name now or are we gonna have to beg?”

The kid looked hesitant. He’d only come on the morning of the full moon. That's usually when new people showed up in the packs. They were very transient populations, but when the full moon came it was good to know you weren't facing it alone. If Remus had to guess he’d say it was his first time doing a transformation in this way. Some kid whose family had kicked them out, showing up after hearing a rumor about one of the packs, not knowing where else to go. He’d seen it before. 

The lack of scars was the giveaway. Not all of them were as scarred as Remus. The ones who had done most of their transformations in the woods were better off than those who’d been locked in enclosed spaces. Even then, they all had scars. This kid was practically brand new.

“Simon,” he said eventually, though Remus was almost certain it was a fake name.

“Well, Simon, I’m working very hard to make this place a little less of a hellhole than most of these cunts are used to. The thing is, keeping the peace takes work and I need everyone’s help to make it happen, like a motherfucking community. There are two rules around here: Don’t give shit, don’t take shit. If someone hassles you I don’t expect you to take it like a bitch but if I catch you starting anything you better fucking believe you’re gonna answer to me. Got it?”

Simon nodded.

“Don’t let him scare you too much,” said Remus with a small smirk. “Oliver’s a big softie, really.”

Oliver glared at Remus, but Simon smiled for the first time since he’d shown up, so Remus took it as a victory.

“That,” said Oliver, pointing at Remus, “is an example of starting shit, but since Rey’s so fucking pretty, I let him get away with it. To a point,” he added with stern look.

Remus just grabbed the nearly finished joint back off Simon, taking another long drag before flicking it into the fire. He caught Oliver’s narrowed eyes and knew exactly what he was going to say next.

“Relax, Oliver,” he said preemptively. “It’s just weed, and the kid brought it himself. If anything, I’m helping. He can’t smoke it if I do first. I’m a fucking humanitarian.”

Simon laughed a little at that. Another victory. Oliver rolled his eyes.

He’d been clean for almost ten years, or at least that’s what he’d told Remus. Oliver had taken quite a shine to him in the month that he’d been there, but he disapproved of Remus’ habits and made no secret of it. He knew there was no way to keep drugs out of the pack completely, and Oliver wasn’t the preachy type, but he did what he could to discourage it. Remus appreciated the effort even if it didn’t stop him.

Oliver had been working hard to try and better the conditions of the packs in general. It's one of the reasons Remus had stayed so long with this pack. Oliver had actually known Greyback from his younger years. He'd told Remus about it a while ago. Said he hated the man, even when he was in his twenties and still an absolute mess himself. Thought he was a real 'cunty little scumbag,' among other colorful descriptions. Oliver had been working on trying to bring together some of the other packs under a banner of peace. He was a rough hand, not the kind of man you want to cross, but he had a strong sense of justice and no tolerance for bullying. It was on Remus to figure out what supports they could put in place and to build enough of a relationship to eventually connect him with the Order. Oliver, like most lycanthropes, had been badly burned by wizarding society, so it would not be an easy bridge to build.

“So, Simon,” said Remus, “you can crash in my tent tonight. There’s a sleeping bag in there and a thermos full of poorly brewed tea, I think. Help yourself. We can set up something better for you tomorrow.”

“What about you?” Simon asked.

“I never sleep the night after the full moon anyway.”

Simon nodded, then sat back quietly. They all stayed that way for a few moments before Oliver spoke.

“Kid, that was Rey’s oh so polite way of telling you to go the fuck to bed.”

Simon looked up at Remus questioningly. Remus looked back at him and shrugged. Simon was a little annoyed but wasn’t about to pick a fight with the guy who saved his ass from a beating. Just as he was getting up, Remus tapped him on the arm and held out his hand expectantly. Simon stared at him in disbelief.

“C’mon kid,” Remus said clicking his fingers a couple times then laying his palm flat again. “I’ll buy you a fucking beer when you're of age, just hand it over.”

Simon grumbled a little as he reached into his pocket, pulling out two joints and dropping them into Remus’ open hand. He walked off sulkily, managing to seem even younger than he actually was. When they were alone, Oliver let out a chuckle. Remus smiled at him.

“What did I tell you, I look out for the kids. I should be a teacher or some shit.”

“Fuck you, as if you’re not a fucking teenager yourself.”

“Hey!” Remus said in mock indignation. “I’m nearly twenty-one, thank you.”

“Well, call the fucking Daily Prophet then and I’ll print a retraction.”

Remus put one of the joints in his pocket and then unrolled the other one, setting it down on the log Simon had been sitting on. He took out a little ball of foil, unwrapping it to reveal a brown powder. This was why he'd shooed Simon away. He wasn't about to give the kid ideas. Oliver looked on in disgust as Remus sprinkled some of the powder on the joint before rolling it back up.

“Fucking hell Rey, being a tweaker isn’t glamorous enough, you’re doing smack now?”

Remus had, until then, kept to his rule of not doing opiates on missions. He usually tried to stick to pills anyway, but a few times in London he’d run out and had to find other means. The quality of the street stuff varied, but smoking it was another level to the pills, so he didn’t mind so much. When a woman he’d been friendly with offered him a little heroin to ease the pain the morning after the transformation, he didn’t see the harm. This pack was different to the other ones he’d been with. He felt safer with Oliver around. Like it might be okay to let his guard down just a tiny bit.

“It’s not my first time, I know what I’m doing,” said Remus as he lit up the joint and took a drag.

“That’s what I used to say. I was full of shit, too.”

Remus flipped him off as he smoked. It would take a few minutes to kick in and fuck was he looking forward to it.

“Who’d you get it from?”

Remus looked at him skeptically for a moment, taking another drag. He didn’t want to cause trouble, but in the end he decided Oliver wasn’t the type to overreact. 

“Krista,” he said, coughing slightly as he exhaled.

“Fucking figures.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s got it bad for you. Been trying to get you in the sack since you showed up.”

Remus let out a laugh. “Yeah, I know. I’ve been trying to let her down gently.”

“Why in the fuck would you do that? She’s fucking fit. If I was twenty years younger…” he trailed off wistfully.

“She’s not my type.”

“What? Come off it, she’s only like thirty. A little experience can be a good thing, you know.”

Remus took another drag to delay having to answer. Attitudes towards sexuality varied wildly in the packs, often depending on how old people were when they turned. Those who were turned young often had more exposure to muggle society due to being ostracized from wizarding society (up until the point they could no longer function in any society and joined the packs) and as such often adopted muggle values. He’d been on missions in packs where he was certain letting his preferences slip would be a fatal mistake, and others where nobody would have given half a shit. He found the best policy was to just avoid discussing personal topics all together. 

Still, he was starting to think of Oliver as a real friend. 

“No, it’s not that,” he said finally. “She’s a very attractive woman, if women are what you're into.”

Remus looked up at Oliver, gauging his reaction. Oliver was solemn, giving Remus a knowing nod.

“Fair enough. Word of warning, it hasn’t come up before so I couldn’t tell you where the rest of these motherfuckers stand. Might want to tread lightly. You’re fine with me, though. I don’t give a fuck who you fuck.”

Remus gave Oliver a mock salute, acknowledging the advice. He slid down onto the ground, leaning his back against the log he’d been sitting on. The drug was starting to kick in and he felt a wave of euphoria wash over him. The familiar lightness as the aches and pains disappeared from his body elicited a happy sigh. Oliver grimaced at him.

They sat there in silence. Remus couldn’t say for how long. He let his mind drift off to better places, eventually landing on the image of his friends smiling brightly over a bassinet.

“My friends had a baby recently. A couple weeks before I came here,” he said out of nowhere, causing Oliver to flinch a little.

“Friends from another pack?”

“From another life,” Remus corrected.

“Hmm. It’s hard, hearing about them building something real while we’re out here,” said Oliver mournfully.

Remus realized Oliver had assumed they were no longer in his life. He made no effort to clarify. The more he thought about it, the more he figured Oliver’s statement was true anyway.

“Yeah. It fucking is.”

They lapsed back into silence. Eventually, Remus started to nod off. He continued having flashes of his friends. Lily with little Harry held tight in her arms. James with the biggest, goofiest grin. Peter running about, fussing over everyone. 

He and Sirius had gone together the day Harry was born. They hadn’t spoken in weeks, but they went together. Sirius held his hand. He looked at Remus, full of awe as he held his godson in his arms. They talked that night. Just a little. Remus told Sirius he was struggling. That he was afraid they were falling apart. Sirius said he felt the same. There was a lot left unsaid as they fell asleep in each other’s arms. ‘I can’t get through the day without getting fucked up,’ Remus thought but did not speak. ‘I don’t remember when I last felt in control.’ One thing they did say was "I love you." He remembered the days when they didn’t have to say those words to know it was true.

Remus was broken from his reverie by the sound of a snapping twig. He didn’t know how long he’d been drifting off, but the sky was beginning to lighten, suggesting it had been a while. He must have fallen asleep at some point. He felt fuzzy, but no longer high.

He looked over at where Oliver had been sitting and smiled affectionately when he noticed him slumped over, asleep. He must have stayed out to keep an eye on Remus. As he stared groggily at the other man, he heard another sound, like a rustling of leaves. It took a moment too long for him to process what he was seeing.

There behind Oliver, ducked down low, was the man from earlier. The one Remus had fought with to protect Simon. Remus screamed out Oliver’s name as he noticed the glint of metal.

Oliver’s eyes shot open just as the blade was plunged into his throat and swiftly removed. 

Remus reacted instantly, pulling out his wand that he kept in a hidden seam in his sleeve while on missions. He pointed at the man and yelled “Stupify!” before diving over to Oliver and placing his hand on his bloody neck. He pointed his wand at the wound as Oliver blinked up at him in shock, muttering a spell to close the wound, but it was deep and there was so much blood.

He heard the sound of the woman, the one who had been clinging to the man's arm earlier, screaming from a few meters away.

“Murderer! Murder! He’s got a wand! He killed Oliver and he’s going to kill my husband!”

The others were rousing. Remus could hear the sound of tents unzipping and trailer doors slamming open. There were more screams.

Still he stared down at Oliver. He continued to mutter the incantation to heal the gash. Oliver’s hand reached up, gripping his wrist. For a moment he paused his chanting, meeting Oliver’s eyes. He mouthed the word ‘run’ at Remus before taking a final, gurgling breath.

Remus felt completely numb. He couldn’t hear the yelling over the ringing in his ears. Run. The image of Oliver’s mouth silently forming the word played over and over in his mind. Run. He looked down at his blood soaked hands. It dripped down onto his pants, seeped into his shoes. Run.

This time he heard the word as if spoken out loud. As if Oliver was whispering it in his ear even as Remus stared down at his body. 

Run.

Without thinking, Remus stood up. He turned on the spot and disappeared with a crack. He was in his tent, and there was Simon, bolt upright and terrified. Remus leaned down and grabbed the boy’s shoulders, holding them in a vice like grip. 

“Trust me,” he said as he grabbed Simon’s hand, pulling him into a standing position. Simon nodded, eyes wide.

Remus turned on the spot again. He was in Hogsmeade, in the alley behind the Hog's Head Inn. He didn’t hear the sound of Simon’s frantic yelling, still numb to everything but the ringing in his ears. 

He shot off a Patronus in the direction of Hogwarts. It took three tries for him to form it, but it eventually left with the simple message, ‘Dumbledore, come now.’

Remus knelt down on the cold cobble stone, not registering the feel of Simon’s hand on his shoulder. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the other half of his heroin laced joint and a lighter and finished the whole thing in two long drags, trying not look at the blood congealing on his shaking hands as he did so.

He stayed in that position for a few minutes until it started to kick in and finally the ringing in his ears quieted. Everything quieted. 

He could finally hear the sound of Simon’s voice, tearful and panicked. He was asking over and over again, “What happened? Where’s Oliver?”

Remus turned to face him, looking him in the eyes. He pulled him into a tight hug, holding onto him like he might dissolve into ash if he let go.

“Help is coming,” he said. “It’s going to be okay.”

As soon as he’d finished speaking, a tall figure in a bright, starry robe rounded the corner. Dumbledore had arrived.


	17. Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is in shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly feel bad about everything I've been heaping onto poor Remus. I swear the next chapter is softer and sweeter. I promise.

Remus blinked at the harsh lights of the hospital wing. He didn’t really remember the journey from Hogsmeade up to the school. It all went blank for a while after Simon was pried from his arms.

Simon! He looked furiously around him until his eyes landed on the boy asleep a few beds down. He looked so peaceful. They must have given him a potion.

He looked down at his hands, expecting to see them covered in dark, dry blood. They were clean. When had that happened? His clothing was still stained, but no longer drenched. He had probably been hit with some kind of cleaning charm. He wasn’t wearing his coat anymore. He needed it back. He needed what was hidden in the pockets.

He felt something on his face and looked up to see a pair of dark eyes directly in front of his. He recognized those eyes. Madam Pomfrey. Poppy. After a moment he realized she was saying his name. How long had she been speaking?

He swatted away her hand and pushed himself back up to the top of the bed. He noticed Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall standing just a little way behind Poppy.

“Remus,” she said again, urgently. “I have to treat you whether you cooperate or not. Please, answer me,” she pleaded.

When he spoke, his words came out a little breathless. He couldn’t quite feel his mouth as it moved. He felt as if he was dreaming.

“I’m- I don't remember. What did you ask?”

“You’re in shock, dear,” she said gently. “I found this in your pocket,” she said, holding the little ball of foil open in her hand to reveal the powder inside. "How long have you been doing this?" She was staring intently at his constricted pupils.

They’d all been working at Hogwarts a long time, dealing with students from all walks of life with all manner of problems. Poppy knew she didn’t have to explain to either of her colleagues what this meant. He didn't answer. He only seemed to be able to focus on her in short bursts before his attention drifted back to Simon.

“Remus, sweetheart, I need you to drink this potion for me,” she said, reaching over to grab one of the potions laid out on the tray beside her. “This will clean out your system. Give you a nice clear head.”

Remus snapped his attention back to her and shook his head. “No,” he said. “I don’t want it.”

“Remus, please, let me help you,” she said desperately.

“I said I don’t fucking want it,” he snapped, knocking the potion out of her hand, sending it crashing to the floor. If his consciousness wasn’t hovering somewhere in the ether above him he might have been embarrassed by the childish outburst. He seemed to keep ending up in this position, with people pushing potions on him to sober him up. It probably wasn't normal that it kept happening. 

Poppy turned to give Dumbledore a frustrated look. He looked at Remus thoughtfully before meeting her gaze.

“Best leave it for now, Poppy.”

“Fine,” she said begrudgingly before turning back to Remus. She picked up another potion from the tray, holding it just out of reach in case he tried to smack that one away, too. “At least drink this.”

“What is it?” Remus asked flatly.

“It’s just a Calming Draught, like I used to give you after your transformations,” she explained.

“It won’t affect…” he trailed off as he looked at McGonagall with her tightly pursed lips and Dumbledore’s piercing gaze. Somehow, he couldn’t quite finish the question.

“No, dear, it won’t interfere with anything,” she said with a heavy sigh. “We need to treat your shock, please just take the potion, you’ll feel better, I promise.”

After another moment of hesitation, he nodded, accepting the potion and drinking it slowly. As it trickled down his esophagus, he felt a hot sensation spread through his chest. It was like he was being pulled back into his body. That sensation of drifting above it all went away and the parts of himself that he hadn’t even realized were numb started to tingle warmly. She hadn’t been lying. The narcotic haze was not dulled. If anything, it had been enhanced by him once again being capable of feeling, well, anything.

He was abundantly grateful to be under the influence as the shock cleared and he was more able to process what was happening. He looked back over at the other patient in the room.

“He’s just a kid. They’ll kill him if he goes back, but he doesn’t have anywhere else to go,” he said without taking his eyes off Simon.

“We will look after him,” said McGonagall in a strangely tight voice. “He’s been given some Dreamless Sleep so he can rest for now. Maybe you should do the same,” she suggested.

“No!” he yelled, causing both women to jump slightly. “No, if I sleep, they’ll-” get Simon like they got Oliver, he finished in his head, realizing they’d think he was crazy if he said it aloud. “No.”

“Perhaps a cup of tea is in order,” Dumbledore suggested, making his way towards Poppy’s office.

Remus, Poppy, and McGonagall sat in tense silence for a short while, neither woman wanting to say something that would set him off. When Dumbledore appeared again, he had a tray of tea and biscuits that he set down on the little table beside Remus’ bed. He passed a cup of tea to Remus, who accepted it absently, finding some comfort at the slightly scalding warmth of the cup in his hands. He then passed the other cups out before finally taking one for himself along with a shortbread cookie.

Dumbledore sat himself down on the end of Remus’ bed and took a long sip from his tea, before biting into his biscuit.

“I won’t go back,” Remus said coldly.

Dumbledore met his gaze again and Remus felt like he was seeing through him.

“I think this is a conversation for later. Rest assured, you will not be made to do anything you do not wish to do,” said Dumbledore kindly.

Remus nodded. Dumbledore gestured towards his tea before taking another sip of his own, indicating that Remus should drink. Remus brought the cup to his lips and took a small sip. The liquid burned his tongue. He took another, longer sip, focusing on the stinging heat.

He set the tea down on the table beside him as the edges of his vision started to fade. He was suddenly horrifically tired. He looked back at Dumbledore as he felt his muscles starting to loosen and saw something that looked a lot like pity in his eyes. He looked back at the tea then back at Dumbledore.

“Bastard,” he managed to say as he fell backwards into an empty blackness.

When Remus cracked his eyes open again, they were dry and sore. The bright daylight streaming through the windows sent daggers through his skull, so he quickly closed them again. It took a moment for him to remember where he was. Why he was there. He was painfully, achingly sober as flashes of Oliver flitted into his brain. He felt a hand gripping his wrist. His eyes bright with fear. Run, run, over and over. The sound of gurgling that he was sure would play in his nightmares for the rest of his life.

He heard muffled voices coming from the direction of the office. He focused intently, willing anything to distract him from what was inside his head.

“- cannot force him. He is going to need to do the work himself,” came Dumbledore’s voice, low and calm.

“He’s just a kid. He’s already been through so much,” replied Poppy sadly.

Remus cracked his eyes back open and dragged himself upright in bed, prompting the conversation to cease and both parties to come strolling out of the office.

“Were-” he coughed, his throat bone dry. “Were you talking about me? Seems a bit rude when I'm right here.”

“We were discussing your young friend,” said Dumbledore.

“Where is he?” Remus asked with a hint of panic as he looked over to the now empty bed Simon had occupied.

“He’s with Professor McGonagall, discussing options for his future. We’ve offered him a place here, but he seems to have very limited exposure to educational institutions. His homeschooling was," he paused for a moment, considering his words, "unconventional, and it will take hard work for him to catch up.”

Remus nodded. Good. He’d lock Simon up in the dungeons himself if it meant keeping him at Hogwarts. It was the best chance the kid had. He'd have to check on him before he left. His thoughts were interrupted when Poppy shoved a glass of cool water into his hand.

“Drink,” she ordered. “You’re dehydrated and malnourished.”

Remus went to take a sip, grateful to have something to ease his sore throat, but he stopped short. He shot a dirty look at Poppy and Dumbledore, lowering the glass.

“What am I being dosed with this time?” he asked with narrowed eyes.

“Ugh,” Poppy exclaimed, swiping the glass back. “It’s just water.” She took a large gulp to prove her point before handing it back. “Considering what you have been putting in your body, I hardly think you’re in a position to judge.”

Remus bit back a snide remark about the nuances of consent, opting to ignore the comment instead. He sipped on the water as Dumbledore gave Poppy a stern look. She was a little sheepish, fussing over his bed sheets before heading back to her office, but not before giving Remus a warm squeeze on the shoulder that he tried not to flinch away from. He used to find comfort in her presence. He wondered briefly if his school-aged self would recognize who he'd become. 

Dumbledore spoke, gesturing to Remus’ bedside table where a pile of clean clothes sat neatly folded.

“Your clothes have been cleaned for you. Once you’ve changed, I would like for you to come up to my office. There are matters we need to discuss urgently, I’m afraid,” he said softly.

Remus nodded, having not even realized until it was pointed out that he was wearing a hospital gown. He couldn’t bring himself to be bashful. Madam Pomfrey had seen everything of him there was to see during his years as a student.

Dumbledore’s office was open in anticipation of his arrival. Remus was greeted warmly and guided to the large, comfy chair that sat across from the desk. He eyed the bottle of brandy that sat on a little silver table off to the side, near Fawkes’s cage. His pockets had all been thoroughly cleaned out, so he was eager to find an alternative means of dulling the sharp edges that were poking at his brain in bright, bloody flashes. He got up and fixed himself a glass without asking. What the hell did it matter, right? Dumbledore already knew he was doing worse than this. What was the point in hiding?

He filled the tumbler quite a way up and took a large gulp before sitting back down, clutching the cool, cut glass tightly. Dumbledore watched on disapprovingly but made no comment. He got some dirty looks from a few of the portraits on the wall.

“I won’t go back,” Remus reiterated.

“That is not what I wanted to discuss. We will need to do a basic debrief for the mission before you leave here today, as difficult as that may be,” he said sympathetically. “The rest can be discussed later.”

“Then why am I here?” Remus asked, taking another sip of brandy as he looked down at his shoes, remembering the wet, squelching sensation as they soaked through with Oliver's blood. He shook his head. Another sip.

Dumbledore leaned forward. Remus couldn’t quite decipher his expression. He felt like he was being studied, like Dumbledore was picturing him shattering as easily as the glass in his hand. He felt as though he already had. Like he was broken into a million tiny pieces. Another sip.

“I’m afraid the timing of this has been rather unfortunate,” Dumbledore spoke at last. “I had planned to get a message to you after sunrise, recalling you from your mission. You showed up in Hogsmeade before I had the chance.”

Remus shivered as an icy sensation crawled its way up his spine. His hands started shaking again. For a moment, he thought Dumbledore was tearing up. Only for a moment.

“Something’s happened, hasn’t it?” he stated more than asked.

“It’s your father. Remus, I am so sorry.”

It was back, the ringing in his ears.

Remus downed the rest of the glass in one shot. He put his wand to his temple. When he pulled it back, a shining, silvery strand came with it. He dropped the strange substance into the now empty glass. He set it down on the desk with more force than was necessary.

“There’s your debrief,” he said with an eerie calm. There were things in those memories that he was sure he would later regret allowing Dumbledore to see, but in that moment he couldn’t have cared less.

Dumbledore didn’t try to stop him as he strode out of the room, swiping the bottle of brandy off its stand as he went. All he could see in his head was that same image of Oliver’s mouth, unable to speak. Over and over again, a silent plea. Run.


	18. Behind the Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus pack away Lyall's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For maximum feels, listen to the song Perfect Day by Lou Reed in full while thinking about Remus and Sirius.

Remus sat cross legged on the floor, staring down into the box of old documents. He was tempted to throw the whole lot away without even checking them. In all likelihood it was like everything else in the house. No use to him or anyone else. Still, there was this nagging feeling that if he didn’t check and catalogue every tiny thing, he’d miss something important or irreplaceable that would come back to haunt him later.

He felt a pair of strong arms snake their way around him from behind, followed by the warm pressure of a body pressed against his back. He reached up and grabbed Sirius’ hands, pulling him in tighter. Sirius buried his face in Remus’ neck for a moment, kissing him lightly.

"Some of these files are from when he worked at the Ministry. That was more than a decade-and-a-half ago, why wouldn't he throw them out?" asked Remus, not really expecting an answer.

"I can't even imagine Lyall as a Ministry worker. He's the last person I'd pick as a bureaucrat," said Sirius.

"Me either. He's hated the Ministry as long as I can remember. Why would he hold onto these?"

“Maybe you should take a break,” Sirius suggested.

“I just want to be done with it,” Remus replied before turning his head to press his lips against Sirius’ briefly, then turned back to the box.

He continued to stare at it without touching it. They sat like that for another several minutes before Sirius spoke up again.

“I think-”

“You’re right, I need a break,” Remus conceded. 

Sirius stood up and reached his hand down to help Remus up. He put his arms around Remus’ waist, kissing him again. They walked out into the living room, now empty but for the piles of boxes and garbage bags. Remus grabbed two bags stuffed full of clothes and tossed one to Sirius before dropping the other in the middle of the floor, collapsing back into it like a beanbag. Sirius mirrored the action.

“I never realized how much shit he owned. He wore the same three outfits on rotation for the last decade, where the fuck did all these clothes come from?” mused Remus.

“How does someone like Lyall own two suits? Where would he even wear them?” asked Sirius. Remus shrugged and shook his head. Sirius smirked. “Do you think he ever dated?”

“Honestly, who knows? Not like he would have told me if he did.” Remus paused a moment. “I hope so. Nice guy, good looking, great cook. Probably could’ve had a waitlist of lonely middle age women on call if he wanted.”

“Probably would have made a killer one night stand, like, just a fantastic shag,” Sirius said thoughtfully, prompting Remus to kick at his shin. “No, think about it-” “I’d prefer not to-” “Hear me out, okay. He was the perfect combination of detail oriented and emotionally detached. Always so focused on making sure other people were happy,” Remus grabbed a book out of a box within arms reach and tossed it at Sirius, “and he was- ow- I know you said good looking but honestly Moony, he was sexy. He was like you but older and rugged.”

“He was more rugged than me? I’m not rugged? This, coming from the poshest motherfucker I’ve ever met?”

“You’ve met James Potter so, obviously, that’s false. Also, yes, he was more rugged, are you kidding? Have you met you?” Sirius said with a laugh.

“I am literally covered in scars. What’s more rugged than that?”

“Well, sure, on most people that would work, but you make it look so cute and nerdy.”

Remus lobbed another, thicker book that flew just to the side of Sirius’ head, but he couldn’t quite suppress his laughter. Sirius laughed too.

In the week since Remus had learned about his fathers passing, Sirius had been the only thing keeping him even a little sane. Well, that and copious amounts of liquor. For the first few days he’d been a mess, alternating between severe dissociation, panic attacks, and hysterical crying. 

Dumbledore or one of the others must have contacted Sirius, because he showed up in Hogsmeade to find Remus passed out in a booth at the Hog's Head and took him home. He apparently knew that something had gone wrong with the mission, though of course he didn’t have the details. He didn’t ask, as much as he wanted to. It seemed unnecessarily cruel to pressure Remus into disclosing information given the situation. Sirius knew he felt guilty enough as is. He’d simply done what he could to hold Remus through all of it. He had taken two weeks leave from work, which Moody granted generously, along with his condolences and best wishes for Remus.

Things weren’t really better, but Remus seemed to have gained some measure of control. It helped if he kept busy and avoided being alone. As soon as he was alone it all fell apart. 

“Why don’t we do your room next?” Sirius suggested.

“Yeah, why not.”

Remus had stayed in his old room every time he visited, but anything he hadn’t taken with him when he moved out had been boxed up or left untouched in the cupboard for years. Sirius was rummaging through the cupboard at the back of the room while Remus was emptying a set of draws when he heard a rustling sound, like the sound of leaves.

He whipped his head around in the direction of the noise, adrenaline flooding his system. Sirius stared wide eyed at Remus’ sudden movement and rapid breathing. He raised his hands up, still holding the scrunched up parchment that Remus’ realized must have been the source of the sound.

“Hey, you’re okay,” Sirius reassured. “Just breathe with me.”

Sirius took long, slow breaths. Remus followed his lead, feeling his heart rate decreasing a little. It didn’t take long to get it under control. They were getting better at dealing with these moments. Remus reached into his hip pocket and pulled out a flask. He took a swig before offering it to Sirius, who accepted it after a moment’s hesitation.

“You good?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah.”

They went back to work. Remus thought absently about how he’d prefer something stronger, but after his stash was confiscated by Madam Pomfrey there hadn’t been a chance to get more. He was somewhat surprised that Dumbledore or McGonagall hadn’t followed up with him yet. He had been certain there was a larger conversation coming (that he had been dreaming up ways to avoid) but they apparently hadn’t said anything to Sirius when he came to collect him. Maybe Dumbledore had opted not to interfere. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d swept a problem under the rug.

Problem. Remus was in two minds about that word as it applied to his relationship with substances. There was definitely a part of him that was concerned about the whole thing, especially in his father’s house. The first day there (they were on day three of cleaning) they had cleared out the kitchen. They found a bottle of whisky stashed under the sink that had a quarter missing.

“He was in liver failure!” Sirius had exclaimed in disbelief.

“At least he died doing what he loved,” Remus had deadpanned, not having the energy to downplay his dads drinking like he normally would. They had taken the rest of the afternoon to polish off the bottle together.

His father had a problem. That much was pretty hard to deny. On the other hand, Remus figured a war was a problem. Having to lie to your loved ones, having to go on missions to horrible places, having very little hope for a real future. These were problems. What happened to Oliver was a problem. The drinking and the drugs were helping him stay alive in the face of all those problems. The times in his life where he’d been happiest were also the times he’d been most able to stop all that stuff, so it’s not like he couldn’t control it if he just had a fucking break. 

Having a werewolf for a son was a problem. Maybe if Lyall hadn’t had his whisky to get him through it, Remus would have lost his father a long time ago. Maybe the thing that had saved him had killed him in the end, but ‘in the end’ is a distant worry when you’re just trying to make it through another day.

Remus was brought out of his reverie by the sound of Sirius saying his name. He turned to see Sirius waving him over, with a small box in front of him. Remus shuffled across the floor of the tiny room and looked down into the box. It was filled with little cassette tapes, all hand labelled.

“Do you know where the player is?” Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head. He hadn’t thought about it in ages. When he moved out, Sirius already had an expensive record player and the city offered way more options for radio, not to mention live music. He’d left the mix tapes at home. He listened to them sometimes when he visited, but not for a couple of years now. 

Sirius rummaged through the box a while longer until he found the one he was looking for. A little tape with ‘R+S Summer of 77’ scrawled across it. He’d left it with Remus since he didn’t own his own tape player, and he hadn’t told him this, but he liked the thought of Remus listening to it and thinking of him when he went home for the holidays.

“Help me find the player,” Sirius said.

They both tore apart the cupboard contents before turning to the rest of the room. Eventually they found it shoved in a trunk under Remus’ bed, along with a few other sentimental possessions that he’d since forgotten about.

“It’s already dark out, why don’t we finish the rest of this tomorrow?” suggested Sirius.

“I don’t know. We need everything cleared out by Monday.”

“We’ll be fine. There’s not much left and tomorrow’s Saturday. Peter said he’d come help, remember?”

Remus hesitated for a moment before agreeing. “Alright,” he said. “That should work.”

Four days after Remus had come home Sirius had decided enough was enough. Remus had been adamant about not wanting to see anyone, but Sirius knew that neither of them could handle this alone. James and Lily had been sending daily owls asking about Remus, and Peter had shown up at the door a few times only to be turned away because he was refusing guests.

It took some convincing, and Sirius suspected that the only reason he agreed was because he was just too tired to fight anymore, but he eventually managed to get Remus to go to Godric’s Hollow with him. They had flued over and James, Lily and Peter were all waiting with an almost ridiculous amount of comfort food and a few bottles of wine.

For the first hour Remus hadn’t said a word. He just sat on the couch, leaning into Sirius while they all talked around him. It was much the same as what they had done for James after his parents passing, only James had been a little less, Sirius didn’t know how to describe it. Fragile, maybe? Regardless, after a while they heard Harry’s cries from the bedroom, indicating that he was awake. Lily had the inspired idea to give him to Remus to hold. 

Remus had the baby in his arms for all of about thirty seconds before he burst into tears. It was alarming at first. Sirius could count on one hand the number of times he'd seen Remus cry before that week, and he knew for the others it was even less than that, if at all. They got over it quickly. 

The whole gang had piled onto the couch around him and held him tight as he pulled Harry in close to his chest. They stayed like that for long enough that Harry fell back asleep. After that, it was easier. Something had been released. That wall that kept his friends out had started to crack, if not crumble. Remus actually joined in on the conversation eventually, though he was admittedly a few glasses of wine deep at that point. 

The first person who managed to make him laugh was Peter. The conversation of inheritance came up when Sirius mentioned the motorbike that Lyall had left him. It’s something they had been working on together on visits over the years. They had been working on enchanting it to make it fly (it struck Remus as he listened to Sirius talk about it that he must be hurting too, which made him all the more grateful for how amazing he’d been.) When they asked what was going to be happening to his father’s house, Remus mentioned that it had been left to his estranged aunt.

Peter had reached out and put a hand on Remus’ shoulder and looked at him with the utmost sincerity and compassion and said, “That must be hard.” It took Remus a few seconds to piece it together, but when he did he lost it, much to Peter’s confusion.

“No, Worms, it’s not like that,” he explained when he stopped laughing. “That place is a dump. It’s mortgaged to hell and pretty much unsellable. That land is great for transformations but useless for anything else. He left it to his sister because he overheard her telling me on my sixth birthday that I’d ruined all their lives and he fucking hates her. His final gift to me, really.” 

Under normal circumstances they would all have probably found that story a bit upsetting (except for Sirius, who was used to family using inheritance as a tool for spite and had been told similar things by his parents more times than he could count) but something about the sheer fucking absurdity of it all had them all doubled over in stitches just moments later.

Remus and Sirius made their way outside, Sirius carrying the cassette player and tape with him. They walked a distance from the house and sat down on the grass. Above them was a starry sky.

Sirius put the tape in the player and pressed play. The sound of Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac drifted into the calm night air. Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus’ shoulder. They sat silently like that as the mix tape played through.

Finally, the last song came on. Perfect Day. Sirius turned around and placed his hand on the back of Remus' neck, pulling him in for a kiss. For a moment they were both sixteen again. 

_‘Oh, such a perfect day/ You just keep me hanging on.’_

Sirius could feel moisture on his face. He realized Remus was crying again. A split second later he realized he was crying too.

_‘You made me forget myself/ Thought I was/ Someone else, someone good.’_

By the time the song finished, they had buried their faces in each other’s shoulders, but as the music stopped, they came up for air. The moment had passed. Remus ran his sleeve under his eyes. Sirius pulled his studded leather jacket tighter around himself to brace against the chill.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said.

“What for?”

“A lot of things. For not being there when Regulus died. For not being here for dad at the end. For keeping you out.” He stared into the distance as he spoke.

“I’m sorry too, for how I’ve treated you.”

“You haven’t done anything I didn’t deserve.”

“You really believe that, don’t you,” said Sirius, feeling his heart ache. Remus shrugged. That was a conversation for another day, Sirius decided.

“I want to tell you what I’ve been doing.”

Sirius stared at him in disbelief. “Moony, it’s okay, I know you can’t.”

“No,” Remus said, turning to face Sirius. “I need to tell you. He’s going to ask me to go back, I know it. I can’t do it anymore if I have to keep it all to myself. I don’t care what Dumbledore thinks.” 

They both knew that wasn’t true. He cared immensely. He owed everything he had to Dumbledore. Still, he was barely holding on. He needed this, or he was afraid he’d lose himself in a way he couldn’t come back from. Sirius nodded, looking at him expectantly.

“I’ve been undercover with werewolf packs across the country.”

Sirius hissed in a sharp breath. He and James had speculated something like that as a possibility. It made sense. Still, it was such an immensely dangerous thing he could hardly believe Dumbledore would really ask it, so they had mostly dismissed the idea. He wanted to yell. He wanted to ask Remus how the fuck he could agree to something like that. He kept quiet. Remus felt the tension but pressed on.

“The last one I was at I had a friend. He died. I’m not okay, you know, and I really don’t think I’m going to be.”

Sirius thought the story was going to continue, but when Remus pulled out his flask and downed the rest of the contents, he realized that would be all he was getting out of him. He didn’t quite know what to do with the revelation.

He wasn’t okay either. He was still so angry all the time, at everything. Even (especially) at Remus, even for things he had no control over. Still, they were together. And they loved each other. And that night, neither of them had to say it out loud to know that it was true.


	19. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is starting to understand that in order to reap the rewards of being loved, he must first submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.
> 
> or
> 
> People try and fail to make Remus have a Serious Talk. Remus tries and fails to have a Talk with Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a long chapter! As always, thank you so much to everyone who has commented. That really is the stuff that keeps me going!

Not a problem. Not a problem. Not a problem.

Remus repeated it to himself over and over again in hopes that the next time would not sound so hollow. He repeated it when Sirius went back to work and he immediately met up with his dealer. He repeated it when he started lacing cigarettes with heroin so he could keep a supply in the flat without Sirius knowing. He repeated it when he took uppers in the morning to get him through the day and downers to get him through the night.

It wasn't a problem if he kept to a schedule. It wasn't a problem if he wasn't doing heroin more than twice a week and wasn't physically dependent. It wasn't a problem if the Valium he was taking was prescribed by a legitimate muggle doctor for legitimate panic attacks (he'd only had them on rare occasions in the past but ever since Oliver they'd become a frustratingly common occurrence) even if he was taking the medication far above the prescribed dose. It wasn't a problem because he wasn't drinking as much anymore, which was the real problem. That was his fathers problem and Remus decided to pack it away along with the rest of Lyall's possessions. It wasn't a problem that he was struggling to stop all together, because he was managing it and he was so close to getting there completely. It wasn't a problem if he could just keep control.

A few weeks passed and Remus had still heard nothing from Dumbledore. He was slowly starting to get back to, well, nothing had actually been normal in a long time, but back to something. Since Sirius' return to work, Remus was doing his best to avoid being alone. The easiest way to do this was to spend all his time with Lily and Harry. They made for a conveniently captive audience to his ongoing grief. He’d go over right after Sirius had left for work and then come home right after James got back. Not that he didn’t want to spend time with James. Sometimes he’d stay for dinner, but mostly he just wanted to get home to Sirius. He wasn’t over every day, he was trying not to be too overbearing, but a couple of times a week. 

Things weren’t entirely smooth sailing between him and Sirius, but they were both making a real effort. Despite the occasional passive aggressive jab or dark moods on both their parts, pretty much all Remus wanted to do was be around him. Every moment that he could be with him, he was. He knew he was being clingy. Needy. He knew Sirius was being remarkably tolerant and that his patience probably wouldn’t last forever, but he couldn’t stop himself. Not to mention an unfortunate side effect of using laced cigarettes was him developing a genuine habit, so even when he wasn’t getting high, he kept smoking. Sirius wasn’t exactly thrilled about that particular development. 

Now that Sirius knew about the missions, he finally had someone he didn’t have to hide that aspect of his life around. Not that he really talked about it. At all. Every time he tried he felt himself struggling to breath. Still, he had the option, and that was a huge relief. He’d made Sirius swear up and down that he wouldn’t breath a word of it to any of the others. Sirius had promised him he wouldn’t. He had let slip that he had half a mind to fight Dumbledore for being so reckless with his life. Remus made him promise not to do that, either. 

The days he didn’t go and bother his friends he found other ways to occupy his mind. It wasn't a problem. He had a routine. A schedule. Control.

He’d started to worry that his constant presence had been irritating Lily. She assured him that she was delighted to have the company and the help with the baby. He would often play with Harry while she sat and read or took a nap. 

He made the unfortunate mistake once of getting his days mixed up. He’d been nodding off on the couch when the phone on the kitchen wall had started ringing. Literally the only person who had ever called that phone was Lily. She was the one who convinced them to get it installed. Everyone else communicated through owl, or else just showed up in person if it was urgent. They had other means of communication for Order business. She insisted it was much more efficient to phone, especially in emergencies. She got very irritated when the others made fun of her for it (“Muggles aren’t totally stupid, you know, sometimes they have better ways.”)

When he’d answered, Lily demanded to know why he’d missed lunch. He could hear Harry crying in the background. After downing a couple of cups of coffee he figured he was in good enough shape to pass off as just tired.

“Are you okay?” Lily asked as soon as he stepped out of the fireplace.

“Hello to you too, Lily.”

She got close to him, holding a fussing Harry in her arms. He tried to back away but there was no space behind him. She stared at him, scrutinizing. 

“I thought you sounded weird on the phone. Your eyes are all glassy. I told you, I can’t let you look after Harry if you’ve been drinking,” she said, not unkindly, but noticeably frazzled.

“I haven’t-” shit, he hadn’t been drinking but what was he going to do? Tell her the truth? Not an option. “Fine, I smoked a bit of pot,” he settled on as a compromise. “I forgot it was Wednesday, okay, can you back up a little please?” he said, holding up his hands and trying to pull back as much as he could.

Lily stepped away, a bit calmer. She could deal with him being a little stoned. It was an improvement over how he'd been even a few weeks ago.

“Sorry, I haven’t slept much. Fuck Remi- shit, I mean _fudge_ \- oh fuck it he doesn’t understand yet.”

She went and sat down (collapsed) on the couch. He sat beside her. She leaned against him, head on his shoulder, ignoring as Harry pulled at her hair.

“Remi, I would kill for a joint right now. I am so jealous of you I can barely stand it.”

“I think you’re the first person whose ever been jealous of me in my life,” he joked back.

“Oh shut it, we’re not thinking about your problems today, it’s my day. If I have to breastfeed while you get high, then you damn well have to put up with my bitching. I mean, I love him so much but my god, it’s just non-stop,” she whined. “I love him, of course I do, but it’s all day every day in this stupid house. If I could just go for a _walk_ or _something_ …”

Remus squeezed her tight. He continued listening to her rant for a while, letting the words wash over him, chiming in with the appropriate acknowledgments and commiserations. Lily had a pretty voice. It was so nice to focus on other people’s problems. He tried to keep his head upright, but felt it lolling forward. 

He was shocked by the sudden feeling of being poked hard in the ribs. He turned to look at Lily, who was staring at him with concern. He looked back at her with dazed confusion.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“What’s wrong with you?” she countered.

“Lily, we don’t have that kind of time,” he said dryly.

“Hey, I’m serious. You keep falling asleep and just muttering complete nonsense.”

Had he been doing that? Apparently, the caffeine hadn’t helped as much as he thought. Harry had fallen asleep at some point and Lily had put him in the bassinet at their feet without him noticing. 

“Look, cards on the table, I’m still pretty stoned,” he said, rubbing at his eyes a little.

“Your hands are shaking, love,” she said gently, reaching up and grabbing his hand from his face. He pulled it away, shuffling back from her. He shoved his hands in his pockets.

“I’m just tired Lil. I haven’t been sleeping much.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet,” she said quietly. “I thought you were cutting back on all that stuff, anyway. I know you’ve been having a hard time. You can talk to me about it, Remus.”

“I have been cutting back. Just ask Sirius,” he said defensively.

“I did, when he came over the other day. He said you’ve taken up smoking. Peter said when he had dinner with you on the weekend you were all twitchy and you barely ate.”

“Are you all talking about me behind my back then?” he accused.

“Oh, don’t start. We’re concerned. You did the exact same thing after James’ parents passed. Don’t pretend you’re shocked.” He sighed. She had a point. “I’m not stupid, Remi, and I’m not the others. You can’t just brush it off because I’m a witch and don’t know how this stuff works. Whatever you're getting into, I'm worried it's out of control," she said with an edge of worry that only made him feel guilty. There was that word. Control. He was out of control.

"My father just died." My friend was murdered right in front of me. "Sorry for not having my shit together."

"You know that's not what I mean. This has been going on longer than the last few weeks. I love you, I just want to make sure you're okay."

“There's no problem. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

“Well, if that’s true I’m sorry, but I’m not convinced.”

“Drop it, Lily,” he said harshly.

She looked taken aback. He never snapped at her. She stopped pushing. They sat in tense silence a little while before she changed the subject. 

It was still so soon after his father’s death, and before that he’d all but disappeared from her life for months, except to apparently show up drunk and high one time, then leave without even seeing her. Whatever was going on with him terrified her. James and Peter seemed (in her opinion) naively optimistic about his ability to sort himself out with a bit of time, and Sirius would barley talk about it at all. The last thing she needed was for Remus to disappear on her again. If he wanted her to drop it, then she’d drop it. For the time being.

Remus was really starting to feel like his life was becoming defined by all the conversations he was not quite having. He was glad he was actually seeing his friends again, but he was remembering why he’d been avoiding them so much in the first place. 

This was especially evident when Marlene invited him out to lunch, and he realized that they hadn’t actually been alone together even once since the incident with the pills. They’d seen each other a few times since then, but only with company. Marlene and Dorcas had come over and spent time with him and Sirius not long after his dad died. They were all together when Harry was born, of course. 

She’d tried to talk to him, but he’d dodged her efforts with great success. She was the only person other than Sirius who knew about what happened on the roof, and he’d pretty successfully avoided Sirius for months after that whole ordeal despite literally living together. She was also still, as far as he knew, clean. He was almost certain she was going to bring up topics he didn’t want to talk about. She wouldn’t be touchy-feely about it, but she’d do it.

Still, he didn’t want to lose the friendship, and he knew there was only so long he could ignore her before she’d just stop trying to reach out.

Rather than meet at a café, they’d set up a little picnic and met at Hyde Park. They’d been there for an hour, mostly just idly talking shit. It had been quite pleasant. There was a lull in conversation, both of them laying back against the picnic blanket, staring at the dappled light through the treetop above them. 

“This is going a lot better than I was expecting,” Marlene said out of nowhere.

“Yeah, for me too,” he replied, sitting up and facing her. “I thought it was going to be awkward.”

“Why? Because you all but dropped off the face of the earth for months and ignored me, like an ass?” she chirped happily. 

“Yeah, that. Good thing you’re dead inside or that might have been hurtful,” he joked. 

She punched him affectionately on the shoulder. “You’re the only one who really sees me,” she laughed. “I mean, when Dory and I came over a few weeks ago all you did was lay on your couch and stare blankly into space not talking, so this is a faster improvement than I was expecting.”

“Oh, no, don’t be fooled by the easy going exterior,” he said with a smile. “I’m about a hairs width away from a panic attack at all times and I’m honestly not totally sure I’m not dreaming right now.”

“Well, you’re not piss drunk like you were the last visit,” she said happily.

“You’ve just been waiting to bring this up the whole time, haven’t you,” he said, dropping the mock cheer.

“I’ve been waiting to bring it up for months, Remi,” she said, also taking a more serious tone. “As far as I knew you'd pretty much quit drinking. Next thing I know you overdose and then just disappear. I know you were spending a lot of time with your dad,” -he cringed a little. She still didn’t know about the missions- “but fuck, a quick ‘hey, I’m not going to off myself anytime soon’ would have been nice.”

Leave it to her to not try to spare his feelings. Not that she was wrong. He generally tried not to think about that night. He still didn't remember a lot of it, but it terrified him that he was capable of doing something so extreme. He could hardly blame her for being frightened too.

“Yeah. I guess I kind of spiraled out for a while there,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “I was on a bit of a bender and I, well,” he paused, not sure how to continue.

“You didn’t want anyone to try and stop you? Make you feel shit about it? Worry?” she supplied knowingly.

He shrugged. “Pick one.”

“Hey, you know, I didn’t want to talk about my shit either when I was in a rough spot and you pushed me anyway. I’m just returning the favor. Also, let’s face it, I was in far less dire straits than you. I’m just a bit of a, what was your term? ‘Coke fiend.’ You’re all kinds of fucked lately.” 

“That’s touching, thank you,” he deadpanned. “I’m managing Marley, really.”

“Okay so tell me, have you taken anything today? Had a drink, a pill, a line?”

“Fuck off,” he huffed. She looked at him pointedly. He sighed. When he spoke again, he was quiet, looking down at his hands. “A couple Valium.” So far. He was meeting his dealer after their lunch.

“Hey,” she said with slight sense of urgency, “where’s your head at? I’m not going to give you the whole stupid sober speech right now because I know that’s the last thing you want with all the shit going on in your life and you have to be ready for this stuff."

She was talking like it was decided. He had a problem and it was just a matter of time until he dealt with it. He wanted to fight her on it, but it was all he could do not to curl up into a ball of shame in that moment. Did they all think this about him? No, Sirius, James and Peter didn't. The Marauders had known him longer and better than anyone and they understood. He was just responding to a world that was out of control. That didn't mean he was out of control. 

Marlene continued, "Just tell me that you have some kind of plan in place if you get the urge to do something suicidally self-destructive.” 

“I’m not going to do anything-”

“Not what I’m asking. Look, if you ever think you’re going to do something like that again and Sirius isn’t with you can you just send me a message? I don’t care where you are or what I’m doing, I’ll be there.”

That sensation that he might be dreaming grew stronger. He found he was a little numb, which was making the conversation strangely more bearable than it would have normally been. Truthfully, he hadn’t been thinking about it. Hadn’t been letting himself. It seemed almost offensive in light of what happened to Oliver and to his father, to want to die. Like he didn't have the right. Not when they didn’t have a choice.

“Sure. If it makes you feel better, I promise. I assure you though, it won’t be necessary.”

“Great, glad to hear it,” she said, making an abrupt jump back to cheerful. She'd said what she needed to say.

As much as he wished everyone would just stop asking questions and let him be, he had to admit, a part of him was very grateful that they cared enough to push. It was exhausting to keep trying to convince them he was okay. That there wasn't a problem. Sometimes he wondered why he so desperately felt the need to do that. He knew he was trying to convince himself as much as them, and honestly it wasn't working on him any more than it was working on Lily or Marlene. Not a problem. Not a problem. If it wasn't a problem then why did he feel the need to hide it? Fuck, even he couldn't rationalize it to himself anymore most days. He was only doing the heroin a couple times a week, but he thought about it literally all the time. All day, every day. And every day was _something_ , even if it wasn’t always that. So why couldn’t he just admit it out loud?

He came to the conclusion that it was because he didn’t want to stop. If they knew, they’d try to make him stop. He hated himself for that. How could he know how fucked up he was and want to keep going? What the hell was wrong with him? Still, it was so fucking exhausting to have to pretend. 

He’d been doing it his whole life. Pretending not to be sick. Pretending not to be in pain. Pretending to be a good student. Pretending to be a good son. Pretending to be happy. Since these fucking missions started, he’d even had to pretend with the only people in his life he never had to do that with before. Even with Sirius.

“Moony it’s disgusting,” Sirius had complained as they sat out on the terrace together one evening while Remus smoked. “It was fine when it was just at parties, but come on, every day?”

“It’s meditative. Gives me something to do with my hands,” he said, taking another drag as they stood together out on the terrace. 

“So take up knitting,” said Sirius. He’d been in a bit of a shitty mood all evening.

“It’s helping me cut back on drinking,” said Remus. That bit was true. The cigarettes helped with the cravings. The opiates helped a hell of a lot more.

“You need help doing that?” Sirius asked, as if he didn’t quite get it.

“I- I don’t know. Maybe,” he said softly, dangerously close to an admission he hadn’t intended to make. He felt an unexpected rush. Could he just say it? I have a problem. It's out of control. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

“If you don’t want to drink then just don’t. I tie it on as hard as you, I get it, but if you really want to stop just stop. You can just say you’re smoking because you want to, you know, you don’t need to make excuses,” said Sirius with an eye roll.

Remus understood where he was coming from. That approach had always worked well enough for Sirius. He’d spent the last few months drinking very heavily, just like Remus. When he’d had to go back to work after his two weeks off, he’d just… decided that he was going to get his shit together again. Then he did. Just like that. It had always been that way for him. Remus had seen that cycle play out before. He could just choose to stop, same way he could just choose to only have a glass or two every now and then. 

He’d never fully understood that it just didn’t work that way for everyone, and Remus certainly wasn’t going to push the topic. James was the same. He’d made comments about Marlene before (“I just don’t get why she decided to start up again if it was causing so much trouble.”) Remus stayed way the fuck out of those conversations.

“A compelling argument Padfoot, thanks,” he said a little coldly.

“Don’t be pissy. I’m just saying, you could learn an instrument. Or start painting. Something less gross.”

Remus blew a puff of smoke in his direction with a smirk. Sirius coughed indignantly as it clouded around his face. He whipped out his wand faster than Remus could react and yelled ‘expelliarmus,’ causing the cigarette to go flying out of Remus’ fingers and off the balcony. Remus froze for a moment, not fully processing what had just happened. 

“Did- did you just _disarm_ my cigarette?” he sputtered out in shock.

Sirius let out a loud barking laugh that was quickly overtaken by full blown giggles. 

“So that’s how it’s going to be? The disrespect. In my own home, no less!” he exclaimed.

Sirius suddenly stopped laughing. “Yeah. What are you going to do about it?” he taunted in a husky voice.

Remus grabbed him, pushing him up against the bricks behind them. He kissed Sirius hard, pushing his hips against his.

“You taste like smoke,” said Sirius breathlessly, with a slightly disgusted grimace.

“Shut the fuck up,” said Remus with exasperation. He covered Sirius’ mouth with his hand, turning his attention to his neck, all thoughts of conversations or confessions quickly dashed.


	20. Spy in the Ranks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Order has a spy.

Nobody had outright stated it, that there was a spy. There had been whispers for a while, but as with many things in the Order, it remained the subject of speculation.

It was not speculation anymore. There was a spy.

One of them was a traitor.

It was a month after Remus’ last mission when a meeting of the Order was called. It was an emergency meeting in response to a mission gone very wrong in a way that could have only happened if someone had leaked information to the Death Eaters.

It was a mission that Sirius was on.

Remus could hardly stand the thought. He managed to get out of the ambush unharmed (physically), but Moody lost the tip of a finger, another addition to his ever growing collection of maimed and missing body parts.

Edgar Bones had not been so lucky. Sirius had said it was like it was targeted. Like they were after Edgar specifically. They found out during the meeting, held the day after Sirius stumbled into the flat, shaking and wild eyed, that this was almost certainly the case.

“They all went right for him,” he said when he finally calmed down enough to form coherent sentences. “It was so quick. There was no blood, you know you see the homes after the dark mark has been left behind and the insides are just a mess, like a horror show. Ed just dropped. Like he fell asleep or something. I didn’t even realize what had happened until Moody was getting us out of there and we weren't taking Ed with us. We had to leave his body behind...”

Remus had just listened as he ranted, disbelief punctuated frequently with blind fury. Rage. He picked up a vase off a side table a threw it at the wall, where it shattered spectacularly.

“They knew! They knew we would be there! Whatever traitorous bastard, whatever foul, putrid piece of shit caused this, I swear Moony I will kill them myself!”

He looked at Remus as if he expected him to talk him down. Remus just listened.

"I think I killed one of them," he whispered later as they lay together in bed. "I don't know for sure. His head hit the ground so hard. Not like Edgar. There was blood. A lot. Then we got out."

Remus held him tight. He knew what it felt like, to have to do violent things in order to survive. To save others. He wished he didn't know.

Sirius was right. They must have known Edgar would be on the mission. They must have known where his family would be and that he would not be there to protect them. The Bones family were renowned. Every last one of them brilliant witches and wizards.

His wife. His kids. Just little kids. All gone.

Moody had not spoken a word the entire meeting. Remus had never seen him so quiet. Sirius, on the other hand, could hardly keep still. The energy in the room was confused and chaotic to begin with. Sirius’ constant fidgeting and snapping at everyone who so much as breathed in his direction was not helping to calm the situation.

Thankfully, it did not last long. Dumbledore had called the meeting to announce that in light of the circumstances, there would be a change to Order protocol. This would be the last of their large group gatherings, with future briefings being conducted on a largely one on one basis. All Order business would be strictly compartmentalized even more so than it already was.

All in all, it was a horrible meeting. It always was when they lost members, but in the past they would come together. They were like a family, there to pull each other through their shared grief. It had shifted, slowly. Everyone had become more paranoid, more disillusioned. This, though, this was something else. This was a breaking point. Every look was filled with suspicion. Sirius was hardly the only one who was openly hostile.

Edgar Bones was a good man. His wife was a wildly talented witch. And the kids. Remus felt himself struggling to breath every time he thought of it. The fucking kids.

“We’re going out,” Sirius announced after the meeting had been disbanded. He had grabbed Remus and Peter. When he spoke, it was a command.

Peter nodded. He wasn’t usually one for big nights out, but he too had clearly been hit hard. All night he’d looked on the verge of tears, though he always managed to keep them at bay.

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Remus responded, ready to get out as quickly as possible before-

“Remus, a word, please,” said Dumbledore as everyone else filed out. Before that. Remus sighed.

Sirius grabbed hold of his wrist, but when he spoke, he was looking at Dumbledore, not Remus. Peter watched on in confusion.

“I can stay with you if you like,” said Sirius, a clear tone of disdain directed across the room.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll meet you two in a minute.”

Sirius nodded. Remus approached Dumbledore reluctantly as the others left. Dumbledore was still sat at the head of the large conference style table. He indicated for Remus to sit by him. He obliged.

“I take it Sirius is now aware of the nature of your missions.”

“Yes. He deserved to know.”

“I am not going to admonish you, Remus. I do need to know, is he the only one you have told?”

“Yes.”

Dumbledore nodded. Remus had expected more, but that seemed to be the end of that line of questioning.

“How are you, Remus?”

“Fine.”

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows slightly, surveying him over the rim of his glasses. Remus shifted uncomfortably.

“Can we just get to the point? You want me back on missions,” said Remus.

“Do you think you are in a fit state to continue your work?” Dumbledore questioned mildly, as if there were no accusations lingering beneath his words. Fit state. Remus knew precisely what he meant by that.

“Do you have anyone else who can do what you need me to do?” Remus asked coolly.

“No, but that does not mean I am willing to put you under unnecessary risk. It is dangerous enough even with a clear mind.” He paused a moment, reaching under his robes to pull out a small parchment scroll. “Madam Pomfrey has kindly put together a list of resources she thinks you might find useful. She was very insistent that I give it to you,” Dumbledore said, handing the scroll over to Remus.

He took it reluctantly, not bothering to look at it. He felt himself flushing with embarrassment. Dumbledore really wanted him to face those places with a ‘clear mind’? No way. No way was he doing that. He hadn't intended to engage with this discussion any more than strictly necessary, but found he was struck with an overwhelming need to explain himself. Dumbledore had always had that power over him.

"You wanted me to blend in, to keep undercover. What do you think that looks like in those places? It's not a bloody summer camp," he suggested defensively.

"I have no doubt you are doing the best you are able in a very difficult position. Nevertheless, I am concerned that you have started something that may not be so easy to stop," he said pointedly.

It took Remus a moment to recognize it. When he did, he maintained a calm exterior, but his mind reeled. Dumbledore was paraphrasing Oliver. It was something he'd said not long into his stay in the pack. He'd found Remus up one night, close to dawn, still pacing around and wide eyed from the speed he'd taken nearly twelve hours earlier. He could feel himself starting to crash, aching all over, but was still too wired to rest and was rather frustrated. "You think that's exhausting Rey? Just wait 'til it's twelve years later and tell me how you're doing then. It's always real easy to start shit, not so fucking easy to stop." He knew he'd regret giving Dumbledore those memories. He kept his cool, but internally felt himself shrinking under Dumbledore's gaze. He pressed on, paying no mind to Remus' discomfort.

"I am afraid Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall share my worry and I would surely not hear the end of it if I left the matter alone," he said with a small smile. "Certainly not if you will be going back out into the field."

He’d thought a lot about returning to his missions. At first he had been adamant that he would never go back, but as time passed and the shock wore off he started to come around. Now that Sirius knew, it felt a little less unbearable. It was also the only meaningful way he had to contribute to the war efforts. Especially after this meeting, after yet another family was wiped out by Voldemort. How could he possibly say no? What kind of coward would he be?

“If I go back… when I go back, I will not keep Sirius in the dark. Not again.”

Dumbledore seemed hesitant, but he eventually nodded his agreement.

“I want to meet again at Hogwarts in two weeks time. We can discuss matters further then. In the meantime, please do look into Poppy’s recommendations,” he said with a piercing look. “Oh, and when you come to Hogwarts, it would be helpful if you could have a visit with Simon,” he added, seemingly as an afterthought.

“Is he okay?” Remus asked, worried.

“He is settling in quite well, I’m pleased to say. Though I do think a little guidance from someone who understands his position could help him along.”

Remus nodded as he stood up. He made his way swiftly to the door, eager to get away as quickly as possible.

“One more thing,” Dumbledore said before he could make his escape.

Remus turned back to face him. He stared expectantly.

“The last time I saw you, I was not able to fully express my condolences. I am truly very sorry about your father. Lyall was a good man,” said Dumbledore sincerely.

Remus took a moment before giving a curt nod of acknowledgment. He left without another word. When he got out the door he nearly ran right into Sirius and Peter. He ignored their questioning looks.

“Come on, I know the perfect place,” Remus said, charging forward, assuming they were following.


	21. The Competition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus, Sirius and Peter engage in some friendly competition on a much needed night out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I don't have any free time chapter updates might slow down  
> Also me: I wrote like 10,000 words in 2 days and still going strong so prepare for some regular updates
> 
> For real though, I think this is my longest chapter yet. The next one is also pretty long. Would love and appreciate any comments! 
> 
> Content warning for dubious consent at the end of this chapter, in that one party is VERY intoxicated when it happens, though there is no force or coercion. It's also mostly just kissing, but look after yourselves.

They were squeezed into a corner booth at the back of the dingy dive bar. Punk music blared over the speakers and a small mosh pit was forming on the dance floor.

Remus and Sirius had been filling up on discounted drinks. Remus had worked there for a short time and was still friendly with the bar staff, having frequented the venue regularly during his more active night life phases. Sirius and Peter had both been there a couple times, way back, but found it quite amusing how many people kept coming up to say hi to Remus over the first hour or two there. Especially when they would walk away and he would explain that he couldn't remember who the fuck they were.

Remus had gone an entire week without a drink, but that streak was spectacularly broken in a matter of hours. He and Sirius were both going hard and fast. Peter had been nursing his drinks, despite Sirius’ loud encouragements to the contrary. He was doing an uncharacteristically good job at resisting the peer pressure. 

In a brief moment of clarity Remus thought it was probably good that one of them actually kept their heads about them, because he felt a very strong urge to do something thoroughly stupid before the end of the night and he was pretty certain that Sirius felt the same.

“I’m getting us another round!” Sirius announced, slamming his empty glass down just a little too hard as he pushed himself up.

In a flash he was up at the bar, shamelessly charming the young woman behind the counter with the brightly colored hair. Remus shook his head and laughed as she quickly devolved into flirty giggles and batting eyes. Sirius had never had much trouble getting free drinks.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Peter said. “When I was with Mary it drove me crazy when she would flirt with people, and I certainly wasn’t in love with her.”

Peter had dated Mary MacDonald for a while after they left school, though he later admitted it was largely a failed experiment. They stayed friends, but the feelings weren’t really there.

“It’s just Sirius. He’s always been like that,” said Remus with a chuckle.

“But don’t you ever worry? Doesn’t it bother you that he does it right in front of you?”

Remus gave Peter a strange look. He could be so traditional sometimes. He’d always been that way, but it still frequently caught Remus off guard. Maybe because he tended to keep his worrying to himself around James and Sirius, who were very likely to tease him for it.

“I think it would bother me more if he tried to hide it from me, not less. It's not like he’d ever do anything. I trust him. Besides, it’s funny and I like free drinks,” he said, nodding in Sirius’ direction as he gathered up a round of pints with a cheeky wink at the bartender.

A moment later he set them down at the table, liquid sloshing over the sides.

“Hey Padfoot, would it bother you if I flirted with other people?” Remus asked with a grin.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. “I don’t know, why don’t you give it a go and we’ll find out? I’m sure it’ll be good for a laugh,” he said, nudging Peter in the ribs, prompting an eyeroll that was undercut by a poorly suppressed smile.

“No, this is purely theoretical,” Remus said, but added, “I could if I wanted to, though.”

Sirius and Peter both laughed at that.

“What?” Remus said indignantly. “I can flirt. Worked with you, didn’t it,” he said to Sirius.

“Sure, after a year of pining. Also, I’d hardly call what you did flirting. What are you going to do, go up to someone at the bar and make them a mixtape?”

“Oh, fuck off! Just because I’m not as shameless as you doesn’t mean I can’t do it! Besides, you’re too pretty. You don’t even have to say anything, people take one look at you and it’s done.”

“It’s the hair,” agreed Peter.

“All right then, that girl at the bar, go up right now and see if you can get her number,” Sirius challenged.

“Maddy? Well that won’t work, we know each other. She already knows I'm gay and you're my boyfriend.”

"What? Then why was she hitting on me so hard?" Sirius asked.

"Maddy has very poor boundaries," Remus explained.

“Well then I guess we’re fucked aren’t we, you seem to know every bloody person here!”

Remus looked around, surveying the small crowd. Shit, he really did at least sort of know almost every person in the bar. Regardless of sexuality, there was no way he could openly flirt with someone he actually knew. He cringed visibly at the thought.

“This won’t do at all,” said Remus as Sirius took a large gulp from his drink.

“I have an idea,” said Peter with a mischievous glint in his eyes that Remus hadn’t seen for a good long while.

This night out had been just what they needed. They had not spoken a single word about the war, about death, about anything since they left the meeting. It felt like the nights they used to have that first year out of school. It had been such a long while since Remus had started feeling like he had to downplay his substance use around the others that he forgot how fun it was to just get pissed with them without caring. The only thing that could have made it better was if James and Lily were there.

“I’m intrigued, Wormy. Do tell,” said Sirius, leaning in eagerly.

“A competition. At a club, neutral ground, whoever walks away at the end of the night with the most phone numbers wins. I’ll be moderator.”

Sirius banged his fist on the table loudly, causing a couple of other patrons to look around at them. He paid no mind.

“Yes! You’re so on, Moony. I’m going to destroy you!”

“I can really feel the love, Pads, thanks.” Sirius grimaced apologetically, which Remus just laughed at. “We need to go to a gay club though, or it won’t be fair.”

“What? Why?” asked Sirius, confused.

“What do you mean why? I don’t like girls. You have an unfair advantage,” Remus said as if Sirius was an idiot. 

“Moony, you realize you don’t have to actually shag them to get their numbers, right? In fact, I’d really prefer you didn’t.” 

Remus puzzled over that for a moment. “I… right, fair point.” He shook his head quickly in an effort to clear it. He was already sloshed. Better slow down a bit. “Okay, you’re on,” he said, stretching his hand out to Sirius.

Sirius grabbed his hand. They shook firmly under Peter’s very officious gaze. Sirius grabbed his pint and downed it all in one go before standing up, declaring his readiness to get on with the competition. 

“Hold up,” said Remus. “I’m barely through my drink. Besides, I’m actually waiting for someone. They usually show up around midnight. It’s only half an hour, then we’re off.”

Sirius sat back down and gave him a bewildered look. “What do you mean you’re waiting for somebody? What the fuck are you on about?”

“So maybe there was a reason I wanted to come here, specifically. Just relax, this guy should have some stuff to _really_ make this a good night."

Peter looked at Remus skeptically. Remus ignored him. He couldn’t, however, ignore the feeling of Sirius kicking his shin. He let out a small yelp at the pain.

“Moony, you can’t make us wait around just because you’re a degenerate. I don't even like blow. You’re being selfish!” Sirius whined.

“Shut the fuck up. I was going to get you a couple of joints but not if you’re going to be annoying.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up. “I take it all back, you’re incredibly generous and attractive.”

Remus rolled his eyes before turning to Peter. “Any requests?” 

“I’ll pass,” said Peter with a slightly furrowed brow. “You know, Lily thinks you’re doing too much of that sort of thing.”

Remus got very quiet for a moment, feeling a sense of guilt settling somewhere in his gut. He could feel Peter watching him closely. Sirius didn’t seem to notice as he let out an exaggerated, put upon sigh. 

“Lily’s in hiding with an infant. She’s freaking out about everything, and who can blame her. James is the same, little balls of stress and love, the both of them. It’s why they’re such good parents,” he finished affectionately. “Also why they can be such nosy, judgemental saps. You’re fine, right Moony?”

“Right,” said Remus, pretending not to notice Peter’s side eye. 

They quickly returned to their teasing banter. After a short period of time, Remus spotted the man he was looking for, heading to his usual spot near he back of the bar. Remus excused himself from the table and approached the man, who was oddly conspicuous in that he was one of the only people in the bar (apart from himself and Peter) not dressed in some form of leather or spikes. Remus caught his eye as he approached and was met with a spark of familiarity. The man headed towards the bathroom, Remus following a little way behind.

“Remus,” he said cheerfully in a cockney accent, clapping him on the back as he entered. “Welcome to my office. What are you looking for today?”

Remus made his request and was quickly obliged. Right before he handed over his money, the man chimed in.

“You want anymore H? I’ve got some good quality shit on me tonight.”

Remus hesitated. It was a few days before he was planning to top up, but he figured he would probably be wrecked in the morning and could use the relief. It was out of his routine, but he could always get back on track next week. With everything that had happened, he figured it was special circumstances.

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

Remus did a line of coke before leaving the bathroom. By the time they had walked to the next club, he was buzzing. He and Sirius also stopped briefly in a small park to share a joint before they ended up at some place out in Soho that he’d passed but never actually been into, generally favoring the more alternative venues. 

He was reminded of why when they got to the front of the line and the bouncer eyed him up and down suspiciously, eyes lingering on his scars. They more upscale places tended to view him with a high degree of caution, assuming he was the type to get into fights. He thought it was funny, given his sensible black button down and neat black slacks (all rather well tailored, as Sirius had insisted on purchasing them for him), standing next to Sirius with his torn up jeans, studded jacket, and abundance of piercings who Remus thought stood out rather more starkly against the glamorous and affluent clientele around them. Not to mention Sirius' genuinely troubling penchant for actually starting fights. Yet all Sirius had to do was flash a warm smile and nobody looked at him with anything other than adoration. 

He had been told by quite a few people, and was frequently assured by Sirius, that he was rather good looking. Sometimes he believed it, but often even he had a hard time seeing past his ruined skin. He supposed he could hardly expect anyone else to.

He didn’t worry about it for long. When they were in the club, he felt the music pulsing through his whole body. The three of them headed straight for the bar and ordered another round. Remus and Sirius both downed theirs quickly, while Peter set himself up with a good view of the venue so he could watch over the competition. 

“Remember Pads,” Remus said as quietly as he could manage over the blaring music. “these are straight people, so watch yourself around the guys.”

“Yeah, Moony, I know. I’ve gotten into enough fights to get the message,” he said with a smirk.

“That’s exactly my concern,” Remus replied with a stern look. Sirius just smirked harder.

"So the rules are as follows," Peter said, taking an amusingly serious tone. "Person with the most numbers collected by the time one of us decides to go home is the winner." He paused. "That's it. That's the only rule I could come up with. Good luck." 

They both shook hands one last time before parting ways and heading out onto the dance floor, though not before Remus made a quick detour to the bathrooms for another bump.

As he re-emerged and looked out into the crowd, he saw Sirius already chatting up a flustered looking girl whose friends were staring on, clearly entertained. He was starting to wonder what the hell he’d gotten himself into and why he’d ever thought trying to flirt was a good idea. He made his way back to Peter at the bar.

"What the hell have I just agreed to Wormy?" he asked, ordering another drink.

Peter chuckled a little and shrugged at him. Remus turned to a nice looking girl standing next to him, waiting for her drink to arrive. Right, he could do this. How hard could it be?

"Excuse me," he called out over the music, trying to get her attention. She turned and gave him an inquisitive look that quickly turned to interest as she took in his appearance. She tucked her hair behind her ear slightly, smiling. "You look very nice," he said awkwardly. "I like- you're hair is quite- um, hi, I'm Remus," he finished, holding out his hand to shake.

The girl looked down at his extended hand with what could only be described as second hand embarrassment. She quickly grabbed her drink as it was set down in front of her and then flashed him with a polite smile before walking away. Remus grabbed his own drink and turned to see Peter nearly falling off his stool from laughter. Right. Maybe a different tactic was in order.

He made his way onto the dance floor, struggling to formulate a plan when a hand on his upper arm broke him out of his racing thoughts.

He saw a very pretty woman in a tight dress looking up at him. She opened her mouth to speak but he couldn’t hear her over the music, so he leaned in close.

“I said, do you want to dance?” she shouted, with an Irish twang.

He smiled at her and nodded, letting her lead him out onto the dance floor. Ordinarily he struggled with this sort of thing. He often felt awkward about the way his body moved, not quite comfortable in it. Not graceful at all. When he was properly inebriated, though, he loved to dance.

The strobing lights, the throbbing bass, the feel of her hands on his body, of her soft skin. 

It wasn’t sexual, at least not for him, but the thing about cocaine is it made sensations that would normally overwhelm or grate on his nerves become intoxicating.

He got a little concerned as she ran her hand through his hair, guiding his head down. He pulled away. She looked a little hurt. He tried to yell an explanation over the music, but even at the top of his lungs he couldn’t be heard. She was about to walk away when he put his hand on her shoulder, making her pause. He gestured with his free hand to indicate a phone. Her face lit up.

She opened up her purse and rifled through it, pulling out a pen. After rifling a little longer she gestured at him, indicating she had nothing to write on. He thought for a second, patting down his pockets. He felt something in his back pocket and remembered the piece of parchment Dumbledore had given him from Madam Pomfrey.

He pulled it out and looked at it. Between the dim, flashing light and his increasingly blurred vision, he could only make out a few words on what looked to be a fairly thorough list. Terms like ‘support group’ and ‘rehabilitation’ made their way into his racing, unfocused brain. He flipped the parchment over and tore off a square, handing it to the girl. 

She beamed at him as she wrote down a series of numbers and passed it over. He beamed back. Before she left, he gestured to her pen and mouthed the words “can I keep that?” She laughed a bit and handed it over before opening her purse back up and showing him a small handful of identical pens. He laughed too. They parted ways.

He quickly discovered that in the context of a club, this was about as much work as he actually needed to put into flirting. All he had to do was stay on the dance floor and inevitably he would end up dancing with some girl. It was perfect. He would stop right when they started trying to take it further and ask for their numbers then disappear back into the crowd. His piece of parchment was getting torn up at a faster pace than he anticipated.

Eventually he grew tired, starting to come down from his latest bump. He made his way over to the bar where Peter was sat, sipping on what Remus suspected was just a plain glass of club soda. He ruffled Peter’s hair as he turned to order a drink. Peter batted his hand away.

“You look like you’re doing well,” Peter shouted. 

“This isn’t so hard!” Remus shouted back.

“It helps that you don’t have to actually talk to them, you’d be doomed,” Peter teased.

Remus just laughed. He was probably right. It felt so good not just to have fun, but to _be_ fun. No overthinking, no encroaching panic, no misery and pain. All those things that he felt made him as unbearable for others as for himself. As his drink was set down in front of him Peter turned to the bartender and ordered a shot of Vodka. Remus was a little surprised.

“It’s for you,” he clarified. “You’ve bloody earned it, mate.”

Remus held up his current glass in a ‘cheers’ gesture. Peter mirrored it with his soda. He finished most of his drink in one go, quickly followed by the shot as it was set down in front of him.

“There’s a guy over there,” Peter said, pointing to a rather good looking thirty or forty-something guy across the other side of the dance floor, where the tables were. “He’s been looking at you since we got here.”

Remus watched as the guy glanced over at him, catching his eye. He gave Remus a small wave. Remus smiled at him.

“Easy win, thanks” he said to Peter.

He was alerted to the sudden presence of Sirius by a hand on his arm. He turned around to see him with a thoroughly smug expression. He stared at Remus as he took off his jacket to reveal arms with at least half a dozen numbers spread across them. He then reached into his pockets and pulled out a few scraps of paper from different sources, slapping them down on the bar. He raised an eyebrow at Remus. 

Remus reached into his pocket and pulled out all of his neat, perfectly sized little squares of parchment, much to Sirius’ bemusement. His eyes went wide as he noted the size of the pile, realizing they must be almost neck and neck. Peter collected up Remus’ numbers in one hand and Sirius’ in another, putting them in separate jacket pockets to be tallied later.

“So,” Remus said, making sure he sounded as smug as Sirius had looked moments ago, “are you jealous yet?”

Sirius stepped in a little closer, looking Remus right in the eye.

“That’s so fucking hot,” he said. Remus only understood by reading his lips, as he was too quiet to hear over the music.

He didn’t even notice he’d put his hands on Sirius’ hips until Sirius pushed them off. He looked around. They were getting a few dirty looks from people nearby. Peter was watching on a little awkwardly, not enjoying the attention even though it wasn’t directed at him.

“You’re the one who said to be careful,” Sirius reminded him, clearly not actually caring about anyone seeing them. “The night’s still young, and I have numbers to get.” 

He ordered himself a shot and downed it quickly before heading back out. Remus looked over at the man across the room. They locked eyes again and smiled at each other. He’d be getting that number no problem. First, though, he had other business.

He made his way to the bathroom, briefly thankful as he saw the long line outside the lady’s room that the men’s was largely empty. He made his way into a stall, taking a second to lean against the frame. His head was spinning. He was seeing double. He felt fantastic but those last couple of drinks were already starting to hit him and he was struggling to stay upright.

He had a handy fix for that. He sat on the closed toilet lid and pulled out the little baggie of white powder. He emptied some onto the back of his hand and snorted it, nearly dropping it all over the floor as he lurched forward. That would kick in and get him back on his feet. In the meantime, he laid his head back against the cool tile and closed his eyes. His face was starting to go numb.

He felt as if his skin were glowing. He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there before the rush of euphoria washed over him. Moments later he felt a burst of energy and opened his eyes. Everything was still a complete blur. It took a while for him to unlock the door, as his brain didn’t seem to be connected to his body. He could hear the sound of the music, dulled and distant. He was eager to get back out.

When he opened the door, he came face to face with… someone. He couldn’t quite make his eyes focus. For a moment he thought it was Sirius, but then he realized it was the man from outside.

“Hi,” said the man, putting a hand against the wall and leaning casually. 

“Hi,” said Remus. Or he may have yelled it, he couldn’t tell.

“Can you spare a bump?” he asked.

Remus thought for a moment. He didn’t know what he was trying to think about and quickly gave up. He shrugged.

“Why not,” he said as he pushed the stall door back open, stepping inside with the man. He pulled out the coke, handing it over. He didn’t bother closing the stall door behind them.

If he had been able to see clearly, he might have noticed Peter’s face peeking around the entrance to the bathroom, watching the situation unfold. He disappeared quickly without intervening.

Remus leaned very heavily against the wall as his new friend did a line. He tapped his foot rapidly, feeling the familiar buzzing. The man turned to face him, suddenly very close. His face was continuing to swim in and out of vision. Remus felt a hand on his face without having seen it. He felt another one on his side.

It felt amazing. 

The older man was tall. He leaned over Remus, very close. He closed his eyes and focused on the music. It was just the same as he’d been on the dance floor with the girls. Only one step left. Remus reached towards his pocket, grabbing for his parchment. He brushed against the mans thigh.

“I need to get your number,” he said, and he thought he might have slurred but he wasn’t sure.

“You can get whatever you want,” the man said, pressing against him.

Remus didn’t realize what was happening until it was already happening. He should move away, he thought. Have to stop before they try to kiss you. Only they were already kissing. And it felt amazing. And he wasn’t pulling away. He was kissing back.

He felt a hand running through his hair, another stroking down his side. It tugged at his shirt, untucking it. He felt a hand directly against the skin of stomach, then making it's way down the front of his pants.

“Sirius,” he moaned breathlessly as he twisted his hands in the man’s shirt.

Wait. No. This wasn’t Sirius. What the fuck was he doing?

He had the thought just a moment too late, however, as the man was suddenly and violently pulled off of him. He slumped back against the wall, not realizing how much the stranger had been supporting his weight.

He watched the scene unfold, that familiar panic starting to seep in even through the dense layers of intoxication as he struggled to process the rapid sequence of events.

Sirius held the man by his shirt collar, slammed back against the wall. He wasn’t even glancing in Remus’ direction. Peter had said Remus seemed off, which is why he came to find him. No fucking wonder he was acting weird, the cheating bastard. He’d deal with that in a second, but this smug looking prick was priority one.

“Big mistake, mate, I’ve been waiting for an excuse to do something stupid all night,” said Sirius menacingly, having to look up to meet the taller man’s eyes.

“Oh yeah, posh boy? You think you’re fucking tough?” the man taunted.

Sirius smiled at him, but there was only rage in his eyes. He pulled back his free hand and slammed it right into the guys nose with a loud crack. He watched on in satisfaction as blood flowed down his face and he ran out of the bathroom.

Now that they were alone, Sirius turned to Remus. The room was spinning, and he was having trouble thinking past his drunken rage, but he could tell at glance that Remus was in an even worse state. This was particularly punctuated by Remus falling to his knees as he turned around and vomited all over the unfortunately closed toilet seat.

He slumped down to the ground, sliding into the gap between the toilet and the wall. He looked up at Sirius, eyes glassy, pupils so blown his irises were almost invisible. 

“I’m an idiot,” Remus sputtered out. “I’m so sorry.”

So he was aware enough to know what he’d done. Great. Just great.

Sirius was so angry the edges of his vision were going dark. His heart was pounding viciously in his chest. Remus closed his eyes tight for a moment before opening them back up and focusing on Sirius.

“We should go home now.” Sirius only nodded, not trusting himself to speak. “Tomorrow’s going to be a bad day,” Remus said in the understatement of the century.

“Yeah, Remus, it is.”


	22. A Lack of Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius deal with the fall out of the previous night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's someone very close to me who is a recovering alcoholic. She's really open about her experiences and in a much better place now, but for years of life she was pretty much consumed by her addiction and things got really, really bad. She told me a story once that has always really stuck with me and that I think really encapsulates so much of the dynamics that exist within a relationship between someone with an addiction and the people close to them who are watching that struggle happen. So I'm going to share it (with permission).
> 
> She told me that she only saw her dad cry twice in her life, and one of those times was because of her. She had been going off the rails for a while, and got in this big confrontation with him.  
> During that confrontation he was crying and he kept asking her "Why? Why are you doing this?"  
> And all she could do was cry with him and say "I don't know. I don't know."  
> It wasn't until years after that she got sober. Her dad had done a lot that hurt her throughout her life, and she'd done a lot of things that hurt him too. But that moment, of watching someone you love hurt themselves so much and just not understanding why, of her just not being able to give him an answer that she didn't even know herself. That was the moment that made him cry. And that's a moment that stuck with her out of all the awful experiences she had during that time.
> 
> So that's a story that's been running through my head a lot while I've been writing this. And it's the story that has really shaped this chapter in particular.

Remus woke with a start. As he opened his eyes, he felt a dagger driving into his brain. He groaned, clutching his head.

His whole body ached. It felt terribly heavy and aged. His mouth felt dry and his throat scratchy. The comedown after a coke fueled night was never a fun time. Good thing he had a great hangover cure handy.

_Oh no._

Flashes of the night were playing in his mind. It was all coming back to him. Fuzzy, with some gaps, but clear enough.

Oh fuck. _Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck._

“Fuck!” he yelled into his hands, muffling the sound.

“Good morning, dear,” said a prim, feminine voice.

Remus lowered his hands and pried his eyes open, squinting a little against the light. A very well groomed, older woman with slightly pinched features stood above him. Though she was clearly looking at him with undisguised judgment, her eyes also held certain fondness.

“Good morning Mrs Pettigrew,” he rasped.

“Peter is in the dining room with breakfast,” she offered kindly, taking in his wrinkled outfit from the day before and the dark bags under his eyes. He'd always been a bit of a worry, that one, but he was so polite, even as a teenager. Not like the other boys from their group who were far too loud for her liking. Peter told her he'd been in a horrible accident as a child, so it was hard not to have sympathy.

She walked away as Remus got himself off the living room couch, feeling his bare feet hit the cold wooden floor. Someone must have taken his shoes off. He walked slowly in the direction of the dining room, his joints protesting heavily with every step.

When he rounded the corner, he saw Peter dressed in his neatly pressed work robes, sipping on a cup of coffee with a Daily Prophet unfolded in front of him. They always made fun of James and Lily for being so grown up, but he thought in that moment that they really let Peter slide for being basically an old man sometimes.

Peter looked up at him with a very strained smile as Remus sat down in front of the untouched plate that had been set for him. He ignored the food, reaching straight for the coffee.

“What time is it?” he asked Peter.

“About half seven. I’ll be off soon, but you’re welcome to stay as long as you need.”

He nodded. He took a long sip of coffee.

“Why am I in your home?” he asked after a while.

“You don’t remember?” Peter asked. Remus shook his head. “How much of last night do you recall?” he inquired uncomfortably.

Remus looked down at the table, the familiar feeling of shame pooling in his gut. 

“Most of it. I remember… I know what happened. It all goes dark a little after that, though.”

“Oh,” said Peter, relieved that he didn’t need to explain the worst of it. “Well, you needed help getting home, you were in a bit of a state. Sirius wasn’t really up for looking after you, given the circumstances, not to mention he was rather intoxicated himself” he said in that formal way he spoke when he was feeling awkward. “We thought it best you came here.”

Remus thought that was an incredibly polite way of saying Sirius wanted him out of his sight. Who could blame him.

Remus sat with Peter until he left for work, but they didn’t speak further. Peter seemed nervous in his presence. Overly polite, overly courteous. The way he would speak to a co-worker, not a lifelong friend. That was probably fair. He would have thought it fair if Peter had left him to pass out in a gutter. 

He left as soon as Peter did, with a quick thank you to Mrs Pettigrew. He apparated to his flat. Sirius would be at work already. If he was even half as hungover as Remus he would likely be having a miserable day. He knew they didn’t have any potions stocked in the flat right now. He wanted to talk to him as soon as possible, to make things right. 

After a quick shower and change he collapsed on the couch. There was nothing to do but wait. His headache was starting to shift into a migraine. Even after the shower he was still tense. He’d been so caught up in his anxiety that he almost forgot.

He got up and found his discarded pants, tossed in the laundry basket. He rifled through the pockets until he found what he was looking for. Two little plastic baggies of powder. The white powder was almost gone. Fucking hell, he hadn’t realized he’d used so much of it in one night. He briefly considered throwing the rest out but settled on guiltily shoving it in one of his draws.

He also found the remaining third or so of the parchment scroll. He turned it over in his hand carefully. The bottom few items on the list were still visible. They all seemed to be muggle resources. He wondered if there had been any wizarding ones that he had torn away in service of their stupid, stupid little game. The one that stood out to him was a support group at a community center not far from the flat. Madam Pomfrey had specifically noted that it was run by a ‘licensed addiction councilor.’ He scrunched up the parchment, feeling a stab of anger that was directed at himself as much as the suggestion. He considered throwing it out, but instead he shoved that in the draw as well.

He took the bag of brown powder and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a sheet of foil and a lighter. He couldn’t be bothered tracking down his tobacco, and anyway, Sirius wasn’t home for ages. Even if he was, he probably hates him now anyway.

As Remus folded over the piece of foil and sprinkled some of the powder on it he felt his breath hitch. He could feel adrenaline starting to flood his body as the full weight of what had happened started to sink in. Sirius probably hated him now and he absolutely fucking deserved it. With shaking hands he grabbed a scrap of paper from the coffee table and rolled it into a straw, then flicked on the lighter and ran it under the foil. As the powder bubbled and evaporated he breathed it in deeply.

He lay back on the couch, already calmer even before the effects had set in. He spent his morning drifting in and out, taking another hit some time around lunch. It was nice not to think. Not to feel. There was going to be a lot of that once Sirius got home. He had no idea what he was going to say or do. How he was going to fix this.

When he heard the sound of the door unlocking, he sat bolt upright, surprised by how quickly time had passed. He hadn't meant to be out that long. He’d intended to clean up a bit before Sirius arrived, but there was no time. At least he had well and truly come down from the high. It was a blessedly much gentler comedown than the cocaine. There’s no way he could have coped with what was about to happen with the condition he was in that morning. Sirius deserved for him to stay calm. Not to fall apart on him. He owed him that much.

He stood up as Sirius opened the door. They both froze when their eyes met. Sirius closed the door and turned to face Remus. They both took a few steps towards each other, meeting in the dining area, keeping a distance between each other, standing on either side of the space.

Sirius crossed his arms. Remus shoved his hands in his pockets. Sirius looked on expectantly, his expression tightly controlled but betrayed slightly by a glint of anger in his eyes.

“I’m-” fuck, why didn’t he plan this out? “Sirius, I am so sorry. I don’t even know what else to say.”

Sirius nodded slowly. When he spoke, it was very deliberate. “I think we need to sit down and have an adult conversation. I’m going to keep calm, you’re going to keep calm, and we’re going to talk.” Just like James suggested when they spoke at lunch. “Agreed?”

Remus nodded. Sirius sat down at the table. Remus pulled up the chair across from him. He’d do whatever Sirius asked. Once they were sat, Sirius spoke again.

“First of all, _why_? What the fuck were you thinking?” he asked in disbelief.

“I wasn’t,” said Remus quickly. “I was so wasted I didn’t even know what I was doing until I’d… until I’d already done it. That’s not an excuse. I know it isn’t. I fucked up. I’m sorry, I’ll do anything to fix it,” he said, trying to keep the pleading note out of his voice. It wasn’t his goal to make Sirius feel bad for him.

“I was drunk and high too, Remus. I didn’t feel the urge to run off to the bathroom with some stranger,” he said harshly.

“I didn’t go with him. I went alone to do some-” he cleared his throat awkwardly. “Some coke. When I came out, he was just there. It's all a bit of a blur. I could barely see at that point, let alone think. Then it was just happening. And I didn't stop it,” he finished with a heavy sigh. There was no good explanation. There was no excuse.

Sirius rubbed at his temples and closed his eyes tight for a moment. It was taking everything he had to keep his cool. All he wanted to do was yell and break shit. In fact, that was exactly what he’d done when Remus went to Peter’s. He’d repaired the broken plates before work.

“I recognize that you were probably not acting with malice or forethought,” he said finally, every word tight and forced like he resented having to concede ground. “You might have been too fucked up to notice, but that guy was a fucking predator. He knew exactly what he was doing.”

Remus was visibly relieved to hear Sirius say that, though still obviously anxious. It was true, as much as Sirius hated to offer any kind of excuse for him. He’d seen the way that guy was having to literally hold him upright, the way he looked at Remus like a piece of meat. He was way too sober, calculating. It didn’t surprise him to hear that he had followed Remus in there, rather than been invited. It didn’t make him feel any better about how enthusiastically his boyfriend was participating. How much he was clearly enjoying it. He wasn’t any less furious.

“I’m going to tell you my big concern, the thing that's really been on my mind,” he said. Remus nodded, listening intently. “Have you ever done anything like this before? Can you promise it won’t happen again?”

That caught Remus off guard. “Of course not! Nothing like this happened before and it will never happen again, I promise,” he said emphatically.

“Really? How may nights have you been out without me? How many nights have you not come home? How many nights have you been just as pissed as you were last night? You said it yourself, it’s all a blur. You blackout sometimes, I've seen it. Fucking hell, Remus, would you even know?” Sirius finished, standing up as he felt another burst of frustration. 

He got up and started pacing a little, trying to keep calm.

Remus just froze. His mind was racing as he turned over Sirius’ words. “I don’t-” fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Sure, there were plenty of nights he only half remembered. He really never put much thought into figuring out the missing pieces. He was trying to avoid thinking. That was the whole point.

Would he have even remembered last night if it hadn’t ended with Sirius breaking some guys nose? The adrenaline and the drama helped make that moment much clearer than the time preceding or following. He’d blacked out soon afterwards. If this guy was a creep, what the hell would have happened if Sirius hadn’t even been there?

He very quickly flashed back over the times he’d been at his worst. Long conversations with strangers, time on the dance floor, touches that seemed so insignificant at the time that were suddenly thrown into question. There were instances where he’d gone days at a time without even coming home. Some of those days were just blank spaces, especially when he made the stupid mistake of mixing certain pills with alcohol. He never thought about it, just moved forward to the next drink or pill or whatever. When you stop to think is when it becomes impossible to start moving again.

“Your hesitation on this matter is not filling me with confidence,” said Sirius, staring at Remus in shock. 

It was a very real concern, but he hadn’t expected this. He figured Remus would dismiss the idea without a second thought. Reassure him that it was impossible. He looked at the doubt in his partners eyes and felt his heart flutter painfully. A shot of fear surged through his veins. In that moment if Remus could just tell him with confidence that his worries were unfounded he'd almost be willing to forgive him out of pure relief. 

“I don’t think-” “You don’t _think_?” “No, I’ve never done that. I wouldn’t,” said Remus uncertainly.

“But you did.”

Sirius walked away, over to the living space, his back to Remus. Remus stood up and followed, still keeping a cautious distance.

“Sirius-”

“What the fuck is this?” he asked, gesturing at the coffee table.

Remus looked down at where the powder and scorched foil still sat. Fuck fuck _fucking fuck_. Sirius turned to face him, fury written into every feature. Remus opened his mouth to speak but he couldn’t find the words.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Sirius asked, voice rising. “I’ve been at work all day trying to figure out how to deal with this and you’ve just been sitting around getting high? What the fuck even is that? More coke? Some other new muggle shit?”

Remus tried to explain but was cut off.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “Remus I don’t- I can’t-” every word was dripping with frustration. Sirius felt any composure he’d managed to maintain slipping out of his grasp. He was surprised to find he was far more sad than he was angry.

“I don’t understand you anymore. You keep making these choices and I don’t know why. I get it, you’ve seen some horrible shit. You’ve done some horrible shit. I can’t even imagine what it’s like in the packs and what happened to your friend was awful. What happened to your dad. I’ve been trying so hard to be sympathetic even when you piss me off so much I could just-” he paused. “I watched Edgar die. Two fucking days ago! I walk into the remains of families that have been slaughtered, tortured muggles, witches and wizards disappearing, I deal with this shit for a fucking living! We're both fighting the same war, but I’ve never downed a pack of pills and nearly thrown myself off a fucking roof! I don’t disappear every night for fucking months at a time! I’ve never snogged some fucking random at a club and let him put his hand down my pants, and I can say that with absolute fucking certainty! Why are you doing this? Why are you acting like this?”

Sirius was looking at him imploringly, as if he was really, honestly trying to understand. As if he was waiting for a clear answer that would make everything okay. There was moisture pooling in the corners of his eyes as he begged for an explanation. Remus felt his whole body trembling a little, but he kept it together. He wasn’t going to fall apart. He wished he had an answer that made sense.

“I don’t know. I- I don’t know why I’m like this,” he said helplessly.

“You _don’t know_?” Sirius repeated indignantly.

“I can stop. I can stop the drinking and the drugs.” He could do it. He could make it work. Please, just listen. Please understand.

“It’s not about that!” Sirius declared. “Stop blaming all that other stuff. It’s you, Remus. You’re the problem. You haven’t been Imperiused. Nobody and nothing is forcing you to do the things you do. You’re making choices. Fuck, it’s not even about the kiss. If you’d come up to me and said ‘hey there’s this hot guy I want to make out with,’ I probably would have had a laugh and said go for it, but you know, keep it above the waist," he said snidely. "As long as you don’t fuck them I couldn’t give a shit. The point is I can’t trust you. It's not like we both don't know you're capable of lying to me. If you’re willing to do that when I’m right there with you then what the fuck are you doing when I’m not around?”

Remus just stared. He had no answer. He didn’t know how to explain it to Sirius. It sounded so hollow. He had a problem. He wasn’t in control. Except Sirius was right. Nobody was forcing him, so why couldn’t he just stop?

They looked at each other for a while, just standing there silently, both of them willing the other to find a solution that would make it all better. After a while, Sirius sighed. All of the fight seemed to have left him. How many times was this going to keep happening? Every time it felt like they were finding their footing again something came along and blew it all up.

Sirius wondered how his relationship with Remus had somehow become the most unstable thing in his life.

Remus wondered if he’d finally crossed a line they couldn’t come back from.

“I’m going to stay at James’ tonight. I’ll be back after work tomorrow.”

Remus sat at the dining table as Sirius disappeared into the bedroom. When he came back out, he was holding a duffel bag, ready to go. He stopped for a moment, a little calmer than before. He noticed Remus seemed to have shoved down that edge of panic. He seemed almost blank.

“Are you going to be okay alone?” asked Sirius.

Remus looked put off by the question. He knew how much he hated talking about it, Sirius wasn’t exactly thrilled either, but he couldn’t shake the thought of what had happened the last time they had a fight this big that ended with him walking out. It was the reason he’d made absolutely certain he could keep his shit together before coming home. He wasn’t going to make the same mistakes he did after he found out Remus had been lying about the missions. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Do whatever you need to do,” he said very quietly.

Sirius nodded, reassured that he seemed calm and in control. A second later he was out the door.

Remus sat until he heard the cracking sound of Sirius apparating away. As soon as he was gone he was up in a flurry of movement. He strode across the room to the coffee table, grabbing the little bag of powder and heading to the kitchen sink. He held it in his trembling hand over the drain, ready to tip it down and then go raid the house for any and all things that could possibly cause intoxication and get rid of them forever.

He was ready. He could do this. He was going to fix it. Sirius was right, he could stop if he just wanted to. If he just tried.

So why the fuck wasn’t it done already?

He continued to hold the baggie in his hand, not tipping it out. Not getting rid of it.

He clenched it in his fist. Tried counting to three in his head before letting it go.

“Fuck!” he yelled into the empty flat, kicking at the cabinet beneath him and feeling a sharp pain shoot through his foot. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

He headed back to the living room and sat back on the couch, perched tensely right on the edge. He stared intently down at the paraphernalia on the coffee table; heroin still clasped in his fist. He grabbed the foil and tipped out a bit of the powder onto it.

Tomorrow. He could figure it out tomorrow.


	23. Say it Out Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is straight up not having a good time.

Remus lay on the comfortable couch with his head resting on Lily’s lap. She ran one hand gently through his hair, holding a book in the other. Harry sat on his stomach, looking down at him. Every time Remus made a new funny face he let out his strange little baby laugh and waved his arms up and down.

When Remus had showed up a few hours ago, Lily had embraced him with a hot cup of tea and gentle reassurances. She was well aware of what had happened between him and Sirius. She also knew him well enough to know that he would never have done something like that in his right mind and that nobody would be punishing him more than himself.

When he said he didn’t want to talk about it, she accepted his wishes, and they had spent the afternoon relaxing in silence.

Sirius had done what he said he would. He came back after his night at James and Lily’s and they talked some more. It was tense. Very tense. They hadn’t really come to any resolutions, but they agreed on a few key points and would be making an effort to move forward from there.

The first point was that they both still wanted to be together. This was a given on Remus’ side, but he was incredibly relieved to hear Sirius say that he felt the same. Sirius had been hurt by this.

The second was that Remus would be sleeping on the couch. This was strictly insisted upon by Sirius, and then disregarded in the wee hours of that same night when neither of them could sleep and found themselves both standing out on the balcony in an attempt to clear their heads. They weren't interested in talking anymore, and quickly found themselves in bed together doing the one thing they'd managed to consistently do well at their entire relationship before finally managing to fall asleep.

The third was that Remus was going to get a fucking grip, stop acting like an impulsive idiot, and take some fucking responsibility for his actions for a change rather than making pathetic excuses. By that point Sirius’ anger had gotten the better of him, and he left for a walk shortly after, slamming the door behind him.

Remus did not have a clear plan for how to follow through on point three, but he had decided that at the very least, nights out partying were off the table. He couldn’t be in that kind of position again. No, he’d be leaving all of his impulsive, stupid, selfish choices strictly for home.

He was really trying very hard to just make good choices. Choices like not starting his days with heroin. So far, he had managed to develop a fun little routine where every time he used, he convinced himself it would be the last time he would do it, that he would just stop tomorrow, etc. etc. Then when he would come down, he would despise himself even more than before, making it that much harder to stand the feeling of being sober.

So all in all, it was going great.

After a few days there was an emerging routine of him sitting around all day smoking heroin (he’d switched back to his sneaky cigarettes in an effort to avoid more fights) and then spending his evenings with him and Sirius both desperately trying to get back to normal before Sirius inevitably snapped at him and stormed off to be alone, or left to hang out with James.

That morning had started with him getting high (again) followed by him coming down and hating himself (even more) some time around lunch. It was about that time he decided he couldn’t stand to be alone with himself for even a split second longer and showed up at Lily’s unannounced.

It was a good choice. A responsible choice. The kind of choices he was supposed to be making. He genuinely felt better with her and Harry showing him nothing but love. Being around them always made him want to be the best version of himself. In fact, he imagined that was probably how everyone felt around them. That was a gift Lily had that she had surely passed down to her son.

As he lay with his head in her lap, playing with Harry, the fireplace lit up bright green. He sat up quickly, shifting Harry to his lap. He looked over at Lily, whose body language was suddenly stiff. Remus hadn’t seen James since his monumental mistake and wasn’t sure what to expect, but Lily’s tension did not reassure him.

James emerged from the fireplace with a grin, already calling out to Harry before he’d even stepped out. His smile fell when he spotted Remus, looking up at him cautiously.

“Moony, what a pleasant surprise,” he said, the familiar nickname almost mocking.

He walked forward to Lily and kissed her hello. She greeted him warmly, but her tension returned as he knelt down in front of Remus and grabbed Harry, standing up with him and tickling his belly a little, eliciting a happy squeal.

“I’m going to give him his bath upstairs. I’ll be down later,” he said to Lily, but with a glance towards Remus.

“I’ll shout out when dinner’s ready,” Lily said as she shot him a warning look.

They’d talked a lot about what happened (she’d been there to comfort Sirius, too), and she’d been very clear that hostility from James wouldn’t help anyone, but he had a long history of not being able to shut the hell up, especially when he was feeling self-righteous about something.

He just gave a curt smile, heading for the stairs. As he walked away, bouncing Harry in his arms, she thought he would actually make it out of the room without comment. When he reached the base of the stairs he called back over his shoulder in a deceptively casual voice.

“Glad you’re having a nice time with my wife, Moony, but try not to snog her, yeah? At least not until we’re out of the room. Think of the children,” he said, covering Harry’s eyes dramatically with his hand, causing Harry to reach up and grasp his fingers.

As James disappeared, Remus leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. Lilly rubbed at her forehead and vowed that James would be paying for that later. Remus sat back up after a moment.

“I should go,” he said quietly, starting to get up.

Lily put a hand on his shoulder, stilling him. “Talk to me Remi.”

He sighed a very deep, very tired sigh, then turned to sit cross legged on the couch, facing her. Her eyes were filled with concern.

“I don’t know what to do, Lily,” he admitted sadly.

“Give it time, love.”

“I don’t think time can fix what’s wrong with me.”

“And what do you think that is?” she asked gently.

“I can’t stop making stupid choices no matter how much I try,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

Lily thought for a moment before she spoke, considering exactly how she wanted to phrase her next question. Trying to get him to open up could be like pulling teeth sometimes, and the last thing she wanted to do was say something to make him shut down again.

“Remi, sweetheart, when you look back over those choices, how many of them were in some way related to drinking or drugs?”

He looked down at his hands for a moment. If anyone would try to understand, not dismiss him, it would be Lily. He looked up again, meeting her gaze dead on.

“I-” have a problem. She already thinks so. Just say it. “I’m going to go. Thank you for the tea and company.”

He stood up, leaning down to offer a hug before he left. She hugged him back very tightly. He tried not to look at her when he pulled away, not able to stand the sight of her sadness knowing it was his fault.

He headed out through the door, deciding to go for a walk rather than fluing directly home. He needed to clear his head a bit before dealing with Sirius. He wandered around Godric’s Hollow. He made his way into the graveyard near the town square, strolling through the rows of headstones.

He’d had it drilled into him almost his entire life that hiding was the only option. That if he revealed too much of himself, he would be shunned, abandoned, maybe worse. His own parents could barely stand to speak out loud about the darker parts of him. He learned young that if he tried to talk about it, all it did was cause them pain. He saw that same fear all the time now in people who refused to say Voldemort’s name.

He was just so fucking sick of himself. Sick of hiding. Now he’d managed to alienate his oldest friends who had always stayed with him even knowing the worst of him, and Lily still loved him anyway for some baffling reason. All he wanted to do was admit it out loud. To take this part of himself and put it to words. Even if he couldn’t stop it, even if he couldn’t, or wouldn’t change it, if he could just say it out loud maybe it would be a little easier to carry.

Maybe Sirius was right and it was all just an excuse. Maybe he was just weaker than all of them. He looked around at the graves, stretching out in front of him and thought about how nice it would be to rest for a while.

As soon as the thought crossed his mind he decided it was time to go home.


	24. Bitter Satisfaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus checks in on Simon and finds many significant insights as a result.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm generally wary about focusing too much on OC's because I worry people won't be interested, but I've developed a real attachment to Simon. He's not going to be a main character or anything but I think his dynamic with Remus is really interesting, given how they met.
> 
> Also, I always miss Sirius in the chapters that don't feature him very heavily, so in case you all feel the same I just want to reassure you, the next chapter is a Sirius focused chapter!

He sat in The Three Broomsticks, taking in the aroma of hot Butterbeer and the happy chatter of students and townsfolk. He remembered how fun the Hogsmeade weekends had been in his school days. It was strange being on the other side of it, watching these kids delight in a small chance at independence and freedom. He found it rather entertaining. It was a welcome comfort after the rather unpleasant meeting he’d just had with Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey.

He hadn’t expected her to be there. The three of them had worked together to assess if Remus was ‘ready and able’ to return to his missions. He had been very contrite, compliant. Assured them that he had things under control, but in an act of good faith he had been attending the support group suggested on Madam Pomfrey’s list. In truth, he had only stopped in once, a few days earlier, to collect a couple of pamphlets and learn enough information to put on a convincing show. Apparently, it had worked. They had been reassured and he was to be going on a mission before the next full moon. He was absolutely dreading it, but that was an issue for later.

He had made sure to not use anything in the day before the meeting so as to have his system clear in case he was sent to the hospital wing for tests, but in the end it hadn’t been an issue. He was now regretting his effort. He was feeling rather out of sorts and sick to his stomach. It had only come on towards the end of the meeting and had been easy to hide, but it was getting worse by the minute. All he could think about was getting home and getting a fix.

There was something he needed to do first.

Simon sat across from him at their small table. He was dressed in his Hogwarts uniform complete with Ravenclaw tie, looking clean, rested, and well fed. It was a stark contrast to how he looked the last time Remus had seen him. He seemed relaxed. Remus was happy for him.

It was a very strange dynamic, given the circumstances of their last meeting. They had been making small talk, Simon telling stories about his classes, Remus chatting about what it was like to live in the city. After a while, the conversation came to a bit of a stall.

“Sorry,” Simon said awkwardly, rubbing at the back of his neck. “It’s a bit weird, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, a bit,” Remus agreed.

“You know, last time we hung out you punched that guy and took all my weed, then I find out you’re some kind of secret agent or some shit. I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t expecting you to be like, a kind of normal guy? Like some sort of responsible adult,” he said with a laugh.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Remus said, with a small but genuine smile.

“I swear, you might be the coolest person I’ve ever met. Aside from Oliver,” he added with sad look that sent a stab through Remus’ chest. 

“You’re the only person in the world who thinks that. Don’t worry, you’ll quickly be disavowed of that notion. Just ask my partner, he’ll set the record straight,” Remus joked.

Simon perked up a little at that, sitting up straighter, suddenly very engaged.

“He?” asked Simon with a cautious sort of excitement.

Remus didn’t know a lot about Simon’s upbringing, except that it was… unconventional. He’d been largely home schooled, and Dumbledore seemed to have his concerns about what that environment might have been like. 

“Yeah, Sirius. We got together at Hogwarts, actually,” and he can barley stand the sight of me now.

Simon was silent for a while. Remus just sipped his Butterbeer patiently as he watched the kid weigh up something in his head. When he finally spoke it was with an intentionally casual air that couldn’t quite cover his nervousness.

“So you probably assumed my parents kicked me out for being a-” he stopped himself and looked around. They were sat in a corner, a little away from the crowds, but he was anxious not to be overheard. “Because of my _condition_. That’s what Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore thought too at first, but it actually wasn’t that.”

Remus was intrigued. He absolutely had assumed that. It wouldn’t have been the first time he’d seen that situation. He looked on encouragingly.

“After I got attacked, they were kind of okay with me being… how I am. Kind of. So I thought, if they’re okay with something like that, then maybe they would actually understand if I told them… if I told them that I wasn’t really a girl. Well, I guess I was wrong about that.”

He looked up at Remus as if he were expecting to be reprimanded and it broke his heart a little. He wasn’t going to pretend to be an expert on this sort of thing, but he’d worked at a couple of queer venues in the city and it wasn’t the first time he’d come across it. It wasn’t as shocking to him as he imagined Simon feared it would be. Still, the admission caught him off guard a little.

“Okay. Well, your parents sound like real pieces of shit and how they managed to raise someone as great as you is beyond me.” 

That got a rather bright smile out of Simon, who let out a deep sigh of relief. Remus took it as a victory.

“My boyfriend actually had to leave home when he was just a little older than you. His family were truly awful, so he decided to make his own,” Remus said. 

“Professor Dumbledore has been trying to find a place for me to stay over the summer. I have an older sister, but she ran away when I was just a baby and my parents never told me where she went. He said he found her. I’m going to go stay with her for Christmas. Don’t know what’s going to happen after that,” Simon explained.

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“I hope so. She already knows I’m a boy and is cool with it. We’ve been sending some letters. But she doesn’t know about the other thing. Dumbledore wants us all to talk about it together first, at the school.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

Simon hesitated. Once again, Remus patiently waited until he was ready to talk.

“What if she doesn’t want me?” he said at last. “The other kids, they don’t know about me and I’ve heard the way they talk about… people like us. Even the nice ones and the smart ones. I never talked to people outside my family much before this and I didn’t realize how much they just fucking hate us,” he finished mournfully. 

Remus wished he could give him a better version of the truth than the one he knew. He wished he could give himself that, too.

“Not many people know this. In fact only two people left in the world do, and that’s Dumbledore and Sirius. So, I was turned when I was four. I had always been told it was just bad luck, what had happened. That it was chance. But it wasn’t random. My dad used to work for the Ministry of Magic and he made some public comments saying that-” he glanced around to make sure nobody was paying attention, just as Simon had earlier, “people like us were…” he caught himself before he started chocking up. It would do Simon no good for him to get emotional, but it had been a long time since he’d talked about this. “He said that people like us were evil, deserved to be killed. So someone, a man with a particularly strong loathing for wizards, decided to punish him for his words. He used me to do that.”

At the look of shock and horror on Simon’s face, Remus rushed to reassure him.

“My dad had a change of heart. My parents loved me, even though it wasn’t easy. I was very lucky. And my father was a very nice, very smart man, just like those kids. He protected me. I was twelve when my mother told me the truth, a few months before she… Anyway, he never actually learned that I knew. For a while it really changed how I saw him, but eventually I understood. I guess my point is that it’s really easy to believe something when the whole world is telling you it’s true, and it’s really hard to change those beliefs when it means admitting how much pain you caused in the past. Maybe your sister won’t care, maybe she’ll take time to come around, or maybe she never will. I don’t know. I hope she does. Just understand that there are people out there who will love you, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Even if it takes them some time for them to learn how to do it properly. But the burden isn’t on you to teach them how, it’s on them to do the work and figure it out. I’m sorry that I don’t have a rosier picture to paint, but you’re clever, and you’re strong, and you’ll be okay.”

He sat back in his chair, taking a long, slow breath. Simon was quiet for a while. He looked on the verge of tearing up, but he didn’t.

“Thank you,” he said eventually. “But this is really fucking sappy and you’re absolutely right, I no longer think you’re cool at all,” he added with a sudden big, cheesy grin.

Remus chuckled. “You’re a fast learner.”

They continued to chat for a while, but with a renewed vigor and a lot more teasing. Simon really was a smart kid. He’d had to take on some private lessons to help him catch up, but it turned out he had a real gift for transfiguration, which Simon thought was both poignant and hilarious. After a while, it was coming close to time for the students to make their way back to the castle. 

“Thanks for coming all this way,” Simon said. “I know it’s because Professor Dumbledore asked you. He thinks I’m ‘getting off track’ or whatever,” Simon said with an eyeroll.

“Why does he think that?” asked Remus, furrowing his brow. Dumbledore hadn’t gone into detail, only saying that he thought Simon could use guidance. Remus assumed it was to do with learning to navigate his condition.

“It’s nothing. I had detention the last two weeks. It just finished a couple days ago. Just over some stupid fight.”

“Fight about what?”

“One of the prefects caught me with a joint and tried to confiscate it. He got all in my face, put his hand on my shoulder. So I pushed him and he landed flat on his ass. Don’t start shit, don’t take shit, right?” he said with a smirk. “He was fine but he tattled to McGonagall and she was pretty upset. Everybody here is so uptight about stuff.”

Remus felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Simon was talking like it was some joke and of course Remus would be on his side.

“She was right to be upset. You can’t do stuff like that, Simon. Where did you even get it?”

“What?” he asked, confused at Remus’ sudden concern. “Some guy I knew from my hometown sent me an ounce. Why, you want some?” he asked with another smirk.

“This isn’t a joke,” he said, the sinking feeling deepening. “It’s- fuck, I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal right now but it’s not good for you to be doing that.”

“Come off it. I was with you in the-” he lowered his voice, “in the pack for two days. Even before we talked, I was watching, you know? I’ve seen you do way worse shit than this and you want to get on my case about a little weed, which I know for a fucking fact that you smoke?” he said in total indignation.

“It’s not the same. Those places, they don’t work like the rest of society. The shit that I was doing while undercover is not a shining example, Simon, it shouldn’t be the way you want to live your life. Or do you not remember how we left that place?” he asked, getting increasingly heated.

“Oh, I remember,” Simon responded, suddenly very cold. “I also remember what happened when we got to Hogsmeade. I’m not an idiot, you know, I know what you were smoking, and you want to judge me? Fuck, even I wouldn’t touch that shit. My mum’s a junkie too, so I know what it looks like,” he said, leaning forward like he was ready to pounce. 

Remus felt like someone had dropped a bag of ice down his spine. Junkie. The word rang in his ears. Any frustration with Simon disappeared and was instantly replaced by a deep, heart stopping sense of shame. Simon saw this with bitter satisfaction and decided to really drive the point home.

“Do you think you’re fooling anyone? Your hands have been shaking for the last hour. You’re pale and clammy and you looked like you were going to throw up any time someone passed too close with food. So go ahead and tell me what a fuckup I am but don’t take too long, you look like you could use a fix,” he finished, leaning back and folding his arms over his chest with a smug, vindictive smile. 

Remus stood abruptly, his chair scraping behind him. Simon looked up at him as if expecting a retort. A fight. 

“It was good to see you Simon. I’m glad you’re safe and settling in. I hope everything works out with your sister. Really, I do.”

As Remus spoke kindly the look of cockiness melted from Simon’s face and guilt etched itself into his features. He didn’t say anything, just watched as Remus gave him one last strained smile and walked out of the tavern.


	25. A Sirius Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius, James, and Lily spend an evening talking about the elephant in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have this idea that everyone is about 3x less sweary when Remus isn't around. This is based entirely on the fact that I swear like a trucker irl and I've had friends tell me before that of they spend a day around me they start doing the same thing even if they don't want to haha. I think everyone is trying to clean up their language since Harry was born but it's a lot easier to do when Remus isn't there.
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who is reading and supporting this story!

Sirius sat on the armchair across from James, who had his arm around Lily on the couch. Sirius and James each sipped a beer while Lily drank her decaffeinated tea with her usual bitterness. They had just gotten Harry down to bed half an hour ago and were enjoying the peace and quiet.

“The things I do for love!” had became the catchcry of her deprivation. “First pregnancy, now breastfeeding, it never ends. If Harry doesn’t love me more than you when he grows up, I’ll sue for pain and suffering, I swear it,” she joked to James.

“Obviously he’s going to love me the most,” Sirius chimed in.

“At least if Dumbledore makes me leave work, I’ll have more time to win Harry over to my side,” James said.

“Honestly, I don’t know what you’re complaining about. I’ve been stuck inside for ages and only gone half out of my mind, you’ll be fine. It’s a miracle you’ve been able to keep working this long. You’re Moody’s little protégé, but even he has to see that the Auror offices could be just as compromised as everywhere else, what with the spy,” said Lily. “Constant vigilance, and all that.”

“It’s different for you. You can still work on your potions and do your research from home to a certain degree. What am I meant to do, hunt dark wizards from my living room?”

“You aren’t allowed to leave the office, Prongs, who the hell are you hunting? Face it, you’re a paper pusher,” Sirius pointed out.

James let out an exasperated sigh. “I know they’re going to bench me soon, just let me enjoy it while I can. Though I suppose there are worse fates than being locked in a house with my incredible wife and our perfect son,” he said, giving Lily a kiss on the top of her head.

Sirius had been spending a lot of his evenings with James. Things were better between him and Remus, in that there was less fighting, but that was mostly because they’d fallen back into the habit of not talking to each other. He knew that this time it was largely his fault. He tried to be calm, he really did, but any tiny thing would set him off and he was still just so angry at Remus that it was easiest just to take it all out on him. 

No matter how much his partner walked on eggshells around him, tried to placate him, he just couldn’t stop himself. Aside from his return to his missions, which really only served to compound Sirius’ fear, Remus had been spending most of his time at the flat. The only time he went out was to see their mutual friends, and he always made a point of letting Sirius know where he’d been. It was what Sirius wanted. Except what he actually wanted was to just trust him in the first place without needing the updates, so it all just infuriated him more.

“So how is Remus?” Lily asked as if she’d been reading his mind. 

She was usually pretty good about leaving that topic alone. She’d well and truly learned in the two months since The Incident not to hassle Sirius about it unless she wanted to deal with him being a belligerent jerk. Still, Harry had been put to bed and the mood of the night had been open and thoughtful, so Lily tried her luck.

“You’d probably know better than me these days given how much time you spend together,” he said to Lily. “I got James in the divorce and he got you,” Sirius joked.

James laughed at that, prompting Lily to extricate herself from under his arm and shoot him a glare.

“Except I’m here talking to you right now, Sirius, whereas James can’t be in the same room as Remus for more than two seconds without making an ass of himself,” she chastised.

James looked a little guilty at that. Sirius appreciated how much James had rallied behind him. Peter too. It made him feel justified in his anger, but the truth is he also felt awful. He knew how much it was hurting Remus to feel cut off from his friends, and that it was petty and cruel. They’d get over it eventually and all be the Marauders again, he was sure. In the meantime, though he wouldn’t admit it, he was actually very grateful that Remus had Lily to worry over him. Maybe just this once he’d give in and let her talk to him about it. Just once.

He sighed. “Remus left this morning. Order business. I think he’s okay, relatively speaking, but it’s been so weird lately I don’t really know.”

“And you still have no idea what he’s doing on these mysterious missions of his, right?” said James with obvious skepticism. 

“Right,” said Sirius, taking a sip of his beer.

“The two of you still live together,” said Lily, ignoring their exchange. “Don’t you talk?”

“We talk,” said Sirius. “Just not about anything that matters. If we talk about things that matter, then we just get angry and there’s no bloody point.”

“We?” she asked with a quirked eyebrow.

“Fine. Me. I get angry. What a revelation, I know.” 

“I have noticed he’s been a bit off lately. I mean, he usually clears off before I get home-” “I wonder why,” muttered Lily sarcastically. “-but he’s been looking a little sickly. More than usual,” James added, with a genuine tone of concern.

“How much has he been drinking?” asked Lily.

“Oh don’t start this again,” said Sirius while James rolled his eyes next to her. “Why are you asking me all this? Talk to him.”

“I’ve tried, but Remus isn’t exactly forthcoming about his feelings if you haven’t noticed.”

“Gee Lily, thanks for the insight. I might live with him, and love him, but I’m glad I have you to point out the obvious.”

“Simmer down, Padfoot,” said James with a warning look. 

Sirius looked apologetic, but it didn’t stop Lily from firing up. “Maybe you do need me since you two insist on being so thick about this. Anyone with eyes can see he has a problem,” she insisted.

“If Remus is a drunk then so am I,” said Sirius dismissively.

Lily gave him a pointed stare. He gasped indignantly and looked to James for support, but James just raised an eyebrow at him.

“See this is my point,” said Sirius. “I’ll admit, I can overdo it, and I’m not trying to say he doesn’t because he absolutely bloody does. The thing I disagree on is that it’s out of his control. I think that’s a total cop out,” Sirius said while James nodded his agreement. “When I drink it’s because I want to and when I don’t want to I stop. Hell, look at Marlene, she’s supposed have this whole big problem with cocaine, right, but when it became a real problem she stopped, and she hasn’t done it in ages!”

“You can’t honestly be so ignorant that you think just because you don’t experience something it doesn’t exist. You choose to turn into a big black dog, right, but you still acknowledge Remus doesn’t choose to turn into a werewolf?”

Sirius looked a little sheepish at that. “Yeah, obviously. It’s different though. That’s a curse. An illness. He doesn’t drink because he’s sick, he does it because he likes it.”

“Well, there’s a lot of people who disagree about that. I’ve been reading some studies done by muggle scientists, and there’s more and more evidence starting to come out that-”

“Okay Lil,” James interrupted, much to her annoyance. “Even if we agree it’s not his fault, then what? What about all the times he’s lied about stuff? What about the fact that he cheated? Does he just get a free pass? If he can’t stop on his own and he knows he’s hurting people, then why doesn’t he ask for help? He still has to take responsibility for himself.”

Lily went to argue, but Sirius got there first.

“Actually, I think he kind of has,” Sirius said quietly.

James and Lily both looked at him confused. Sirius felt himself shrinking down a little as he thought back. The truth was the more time went on the more he was starting to think Lily might have a point, even though he really, really didn’t want to admit it. James and Lily didn’t even know about half the stuff Remus had done. Half the stuff he’d been through. The idea that Remus had needed him, and all Sirius had done was punish him just wasn’t something he could stand. If he admitted Remus had a real problem, it meant admitting that he'd been horrible partner.

“I mean he’s actually not drinking right now, and you know, he’s cut back a few times in the past. Sometimes for ages. Something I always thought was strange was the way he phrased it. ‘I’m _trying_ to cut back,’ like it’s something he can’t just do. He’s said stuff like that a few times but I kind of just told him to stop making excuses…” he trailed off under Lily’s withering stare.

“But he’s not drinking right now? That’s good isn’t it? I keep saying he’ll sort himself out with time,” said James.

“Yeah, he’s stopped drinking, least as far as I know,” said Sirius. “Smokes like a fucking chimney though,” he added with a grimace.

“There's something else, isn't there,” Lily asked, eying him up and down. 

She had her own ideas about what Remus was getting himself into, but she wanted to hear what Sirius had to say. He hesitated for a moment.

“I’m pretty sure he’s doing other shit while I’m not around,” he admitted reluctantly. 

“Like what?” asked James.

“I don’t know exactly. He’s into all that muggle stuff and I’ve only tried like half of it.”

“I hate when you guys do that,” Lily said.

“What?”

“When you dismiss things as ‘muggle stuff’ like that. You do it all the time. It’s so reductive, as if it’s somehow less significant because it comes from muggles. Those drugs are no joke. They can be really dangerous and make people really sick. It’s one thing when we all used to party together and we could look out for each other, but just doing it alone? And all the time? It’s not safe, he could really get hurt.”

“Yeah, Lily, I'm acutely familiar with the concept, thanks,” said Sirius uncomfortably, remembering the sight of Remus lying on the couch, not breathing, lips turning blue.

That stopped Lily in her tracks. What did he mean by that?

“What do you mean by that?” asked James, intrigued.

Sirius shifted in his seat. He really shouldn’t have said that. He’d promised Remus he wouldn’t talk about it, even if he thought it was a stupid thing to promise. Even if he resented having to promise it in the first place.

“If I tell you this, you can’t tell him you know, or repeat it to anyone else,” Sirius said eventually.

James and Lily looked at each other nervously. James grabbed Lily’s hand, then they looked back at Sirius and nodded.

“He overdosed. On pills.”

Lily’s free hand flew to her mouth and she gasped in horror.

“What are you talking about?” James asked anxiously.

“This happened a while ago, but it was bad. Really bad. He stopped breathing,” he finished very quietly. He left out the part where he'd had to tackle him back from the edge of the roof. About the fact that it wasn’t really an accident. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” James asked, whacking Sirius hard on the arm. “When did this happen?”

“It was ages ago now, okay? He didn’t want anyone to know. Lily was pregnant, you’d both just gone into hiding, he didn’t want you to freak out like you’re doing now.”

“Is this a joke? I have a bad hangover once and don’t touch a drop for a month and he nearly dies and just keeps going? Is he bloody mental?” exclaimed James.

“This is exactly what I’ve been trying to say!” said Lily in distress. “Even if you don’t accept that he’s sick, even if you think he’s just doing what he wants to, then you should ask yourself why he would want to do something that’s hurting him so much! It should scare the fuck out of you that he wants that! You’re supposed to be his best friends,” she looked at Sirius, “his partner. I know he’s done hurtful things and it’s hard right now, but he needs help. Can't you see that?”

She stood up, wiping under her eyes. “I’m going to bed. I love you both,” she said sincerely, “I just want to be alone a while.” She kissed James and gave Sirius a quick hug before ascending the stairs, clearly still fighting back tears. When she was gone, James and Sirius sat in silence. James looked up the stairs as if he wanted to go to Lily. To comfort her. He knew her well enough to know when not to push.

“It’s funny, I think about how Moony was when we were still in school,” said James eventually. “You know, you and I could just be absolute drama queens, jumping from one emotional crisis to another and he was always there to be the voice of reason, talking us down from our stupidest impulses.”

“It feels like a lifetime ago.”

“That’s the thing, sometimes I forget that anything’s changed. Not just for him, but for all of us. We’re not the same people anymore, but I look at Moony and see that stable, rational kid. Then he does these irrational, unstable things and I’m like, who are you? Why would you do this?”

Sirius was quiet for a while, taking in James' words. They talked all the time, but it had been a while since they'd had a real heart to heart. Sometimes it was just so hard. As soon as you opened up a little, it's like you were making room for all the trauma of the war to makes its way in. Once that happened you were paralyzed. It was easier just to stay closed off most of the time.

“I think that’s part of what pisses me off so much," said Sirius eventually, "It’s not even about what happened with that guy, that’s just one of a million things. I’m so scared all the time. For you and Lily, for me, for all of us. He goes on these missions and I’m always afraid he’s not coming back and then when he’s here, he’s supposed to be the one keeping me grounded. Only he’s not. It happened so slowly, but he’s become this whole other person who I have to be afraid for all the time, even when he’s with me,” Sirius said solemnly.

“Pads, did he overdose on purpose?”

Sirius looked at him with a hint of surprise tinged with a deep sense of heaviness, like the weight of the world was just dropped on top of him.

“I know I can be a bit thick about noticing things sometimes, but I can tell when there’s something you’re not saying. Not to mention Moony’s been my friend as long as yours. I might not be shagging him but I know him pretty well, actually. He’s always made little jokes about that sort of stuff and there have been times over the years... times where I honestly worried it wasn’t a joke.”

Sirius rested his chin on his hands, looking at James thoughtfully. He nodded, confirming James’ suspicions. James took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes tiredly. When he put them back on he ran his hands through his hair then leaned back into the soft couch.

“Maybe Peter’s right. He’s cracking under the pressure. Maybe he should take a step back from his work with the Order. Whatever that may be,” he said with a pointed glance at Sirius.

“Prongs, please stop trying to pry information out of me. I think I’ve shared enough for a lifetime.”

“Alright, fine,” he said, throwing up his hands in surrender.

“Maybe you’re right, but he’ll never agree to something like that. Especially not for us. He thinks we all hate him, he’ll think we’re trying to cut him out,” said Sirius.

“Don’t be daft, he knows we don’t hate him. We’re all just under so much stress.”

“I’m not so sure he does,” said Sirius, causing James to lower his head guiltily. “Why can I talk to you like this but not him? It used to be so easy.”

“I’m your brother so I get special privileges,” said James, patting him on the shoulder.

Sirius smiled a little. “Yeah, you do.”


	26. Tipping Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily finally gets that conversation she's been trying to have for so long.

Remus sipped slowly on his tea, focusing on the sensation of warmth as it seeped down his aching throat, spreading into his upset stomach. Harry babbled lightly in his play pen, grasping happily at the colorful mobile above him. Lily sipped her own tea, comfortable in the silent moment that proceeded what she knew would be a difficult conversation. A necessary one, but difficult all the same. 

She knew if Remus had it his way the silence would be broken only for the sake of friendly chatter. Stories of Harry’s latest developments, a solemn commiseration over the state of the war but not of their own parts in it. Lily wanted that, to simply be. She wanted as much as the battered, scarred man in front of her to deal only in platitudes and peace. Unfortunately, now was not the time to indulge that particular fantasy. Remus had made that much clear when he had called Lily from a muggle jail, more exhausted than she had ever heard him, requesting a bail out. 

Of course she couldn’t actually go herself and Remus had been very insistent that she not contact Sirius, Peter, or any of the others. Lily, much to her frustration, had been forced to ask her sister for help. She hated to give Petunia the smug satisfaction of thinking she associated herself with ‘criminal degenerates’, but Remus had sounded so desperate (pathetic even) that she sucked it up. On the condition that he come straight to her home upon release. He reluctantly agreed to her terms, though only after she assured him James would be at work all day, his final week before being remanded to the house indefinitely alongside her and Harry.

So there they were, sipping tea. It had been half an hour and Remus had not said a word. He wasn’t going to make this easy for her, then.

“So why did you call _me_ , anyway, since you knew I couldn’t come?” asked Lily, starting with an easier question.

Remus shifted uncomfortably on the couch. His hands trembled, struggling to grip onto his cup. He wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“You’re muggle born. I would’ve had to explain the whole fuc-” he looked at Harry who was finally getting big enough that they wanted to clean up their language around him. “The whole bloody legal system to any of the others before they could even start to help. Not to mention you’re the only one who owns a phone.” A slight pause. “You’re the only one I could stand to know.”

“Okay,” Lily responded, a little touched by his trust in her. “Okay, so now for the big question. Why were you there?”

The truth is, she knew full well why he was there. The officer had told Petunia when she went to bail him out, who had then gleefully passed on the gossip to her sister while Remus had showered off the filth of the jail cell (“Honestly, Lily, it would have broken our parents hearts to see you involved with the likes of him!”) She also knew Remus had managed to avoid charges, thankfully, as the arresting officer had taken pity at the sight of his extensive scarring, assuming that whatever he’d been through to cause it probably warranted some kind of downward spiral.

She knew. She just needed to hear him admit it. 

“Lily I… I don’t know what you want from me.”

“How about the truth?”

He let out a deep sigh and set down his tea, the cup clanking lightly on the surface of the coffee table.

“A police officer found some… illegal substances on my person. It really wasn’t a big deal Lily. Just a stupid misunderstanding.”

“Misunderstanding? Remus, the reason they were so easily able to find those ‘substances’ is because you were passed out in a park in the middle of the day. With everything that’s happening, do you even comprehend the kind of risk you face by allowing yourself to be that vulnerable?”

Were it anyone else, Remus would have taken those words as an accusation. There had been so much of that going round, after all. With Lily, though, he only felt her concern. She had so much to worry about already. He hated that she was now worried about him. All he'd wanted was to go for a walk. Get out for an hour. He'd just misjudged, taken more than he realized.

“I know. I know Lily, really, I do. It was a stupid mistake. A one time thing,” he assured her, begging her to believe him. 

She could always tell when he was lying. Maybe he should have called Marlene. She wouldn’t have believed him either, but he might have felt less guilty.

“Is it though? You told me you’re not drinking anymore, but if anything, you’ve just been getting more erratic. I’m not the only one who sees it, the others do too.”

Remus’ eyes darkened slightly. “None of them trust me,” he said with a hint of bitterness.

“Don’t be stupid, of course they do,” Lily said, not entirely convincingly. “They just don’t understand.”

“And you do?”

“You said it yourself, I’m muggle born. Wizards, they don’t talk about these things. Most of them don’t understand. The others might not know much about those ‘substances’ but I know what opiates are and I’ve seen what addiction looks like.”

She said the word ‘addiction’ without a hint of judgement. A simple, matter of fact statement spoken from a place of empathy that hit Remus like a slap in the face. He visibly flinched as he felt a wave of shame roll through his body. He thought about his father, the smell of whiskey. He heard Simon’s voice echoing in his head, dripping with vitriol. Junkie.

For a moment Lily thought he was going to fight her. That he might be indignant, furious at the suggestion. Or even more likely, that he'd just get up and leave as if nothing was wrong. For a moment Remus thought so too. Then he did something she wasn’t expecting. He cried.

At first, he didn’t even realize he was doing it. It took a moment for his brain to catch up with his body. He felt warm tears streaming down his face. He heard his breath getting short, staggered. Then he felt Lily’s arms around him and it all came crashing down.

All of the feelings he’d been working so hard to bury came flooding to the surface. All the pain, in his body, his mind, his soul. The constant pain that never fully went away. In that moment he felt all of it, in every fiber of his being.

At most it lasted five minutes, but to Remus it felt like an eternity. Eventually he began to register the gentle stroking of Lily’s hands through his hair. It was something Sirius did too. Something he hadn’t done in a long time. He focused on the sensation. On the warmth of her body. The pressure of her arm across his chest. He managed to calm himself enough to regain some level of composure. 

They stayed like that for a long while before Harry let out a small whine and Remus finally, gently, shrugged her off. She moved back to her seat across from him and reached over to fuss with Harry’s toys until he was ready to speak.

Remus ran a sleeve under his eyes and sniffed a few more times. He drew in a long, ragged breath.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be, love.”

Remus just nodded. He wanted to talk. He’d been keeping so many secrets for so long. He wanted to just tell her everything, but he had no idea what to say. Thankfully, she seemed to understand.

“How long has this been going on?”

“I don’t know. That’s a complicated question.”

“How so?” Lily asked, a little confused.

Remus thought for a moment. How could he explain it to her? Did he even really know the answer to that question? He figured he owed it to her to at least try to be honest. Maybe he owed it to himself, too.

“Well, it didn’t really happen all at once. I could tell you the first time I got drunk, the first time I got high. I don’t think I could tell you the exact moment it became a… a problem. All I know is that at some point, it just stopped being a choice. It's gotten so far out of control but no matter how hard I try, I just can't stop myself. I don’t- fuck- I don’t want to be doing this Lily,” Remus felt himself getting choked up again, all thoughts of appropriate language forgotten. “I don’t want to be like this.”

“Hey, it’s okay Remi. I know,” she reassured. 

She gave him a moment to collect himself. She didn’t want to push too hard, but in truth, she didn’t fully understand. She knew about addiction; she’d seen it before. She’d heard Severus’ stories about his father when they were kids. Heard stories from her parents. She wouldn’t tell Remus, but she’d been doing as much reading as she could in anticipation of this moment (aided by Marlene’s willingness to raid the Oxford libraries and bring her resources.) Still, she’d never been through it herself, and she knew if she wanted to help him, she had to understand. 

She decided to change tack. Start with something quantifiable, get an idea of the facts of the situation.

“What are you taking, exactly? How much, how often?”

Remus wrung his hands nervously. He’d been trying very hard over the past few months not to think about just how much his using had escalated.

“A few things. Coke, but not all the time. Some different kinds of pills. I really haven’t been drinking so that’s something, though I guess you might not call replacing alcohol with hard drugs a significant victory” he said with an awkward laugh. “I guess you already know about…”

“The opiates?” supplied Lily. That was the word the police had used apparently, no further clarification.

“Yeah. That’s probably the main thing.”

The silence grew tense, both of them knowing the next question with neither of them really ready to answer it. 

“What, specifically, does that mean Remus?”

Once again, he would not meet her eyes. 

“At first just some pills. Prescription stuff. But that’s expensive, harder to get. Mostly now it’s…” He knew she wasn’t going to let the question go until she heard him say the words. “Mostly now it’s heroin.”

Lily closed her eyes tight, processing the information. How had things gotten so bad? How could they have all failed their friend this badly? Remus felt a new level of humiliation at the pained look on his best friend’s face.

“I’m so fucking sorry Lily. I know how that sounds, but it’s not as bad as you’re thinking. It’s a big, scary word, that’s all,” he said unconvincingly.

“Are you- have you been using needles?”

“No! No, Lily, never. I swear I’ve never done that.”

She stared him down for a few moments, contemplating making him roll up his sleeves to prove it. Eventually, she decided he was telling the truth. She breathed a small sigh of relief. He’d come close, in the packs, but he’d never quite been desperate enough to cross that line. He saw the kind of damage it did.

“What then?”

“Smoking, mostly.”

“Every day?” She gestured to his shaking hands. “You can’t stop without getting sick now, right?”

Remus hung his head, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets.

“I could, for a while. It wasn’t all the time, and I’d go a week or two without anything and be fine. Recently though, the past couple months, it’s been a few times a day. It takes more and more just to feel normal. I haven’t tried to stop for a while, so I don’t know how long I can go before it starts getting bad.”

Okay, so she had the facts. It wasn’t as bad as she feared it could be, but not great. She’d need to do more reading, but if it had only been a couple months since he started getting withdrawal symptoms then it might not be too severe. He’d get sick, but he’d maybe even been through worse with his transformations. This was manageable. Assuming he agreed to quit at all, that is. There was one thing though that was weighing heavily on her mind.

“What about your missions?”

“What do you mean?” inquired Remus nervously.

“I mean, you just said that you’ve been using every day for months. I know you’ve been away doing whatever it is you do for the Order for at least some of that time.”

“Yeah,” he said, shifting uncomfortably at the accusation implicit in her observation. “It’s… not as much of a problem as you might think.” If anything it could be an asset at times. Nobody saw him as a threat. He was one of them.

“What does that even mean?” she asked, deeply troubled by the idea of these missions more than ever before. In what world could that not be a huge, glaring problem? The answer to that question was undoubtedly not good.

“I wish I could explain, Lil. You know I’d tell you all about it if I could, don’t you? I want to, but Dumbledore insists- with the spy and all-”

“I know, love. It’s okay.”

She let it drop. She honestly hadn’t expected to get this far. As much as she wanted to know, there was a reason Order business was kept secret.

“I think I might have fucked things up so badly I can’t fix it anymore,” Remus said quietly after a short silence.

“No, Remi, you haven’t,” she said, reaching out to stroke his shoulder. “You’re sick. You can get better.”

“The others don’t think I’m sick, they think I’m a fuckup. They’ve started talking to me again but it’s obvious they don’t really want me around. Especially Sirius. Fucking hell, Lily, I don’t even know if he still wants to be with me,” he said with tears welling up once again. “Who can blame him? I’m a fucking mess. We’re all fighting the same war, so why am I the only one who can’t cope? No wonder nobody trusts me. Who the fuck would trust some lying junkie werewolf?”

Lily felt her heart break for her friend. She wanted to tell him that they all trusted him, but she knew she couldn’t say that just because she wished it to be true.

“I trust you Remus. I trust you with my life. I trust you with James’ life. I trust you with Harry’s life. Look me in the eyes,” she said, holding his gaze steadily. “ _I trust you._ ”

He nodded, holding eye contact for longer than he’d been able to the entire conversation. His eyes were bloodshot. She was suddenly furious with her husband and their friends.

“You say we’re all fighting the same war. I think that’s a load of shit.”

Remus looked taken aback at that.

“The others, Sirius, James, Peter, Marlene, even Dorcas as a half blood. None of them are fighting the same war as you and me Remus. Every one of them has made a choice. They chose to put themselves in danger, to fight this fight. To protect the people who are most at risk. You and me? We didn’t have that choice. They could have made the choice to be safe, and I love them all for the fact that they would never have even considered it, but the point is they could,” said Lily firmly.

Remus stared at her, turning the words over in his mind.

“I’m a mudblood, you’re a werewolf. They want us dead. Voldemort and the Death Eaters, they want you and me and everyone like us wiped off the face of the earth. The others will never understand. Not really. They see you cracking under the pressure and don’t understand how you can’t just face it head on like they do because they don’t see it. They’re fighting for love and for what’s right, and so are we! So are we. But we’re also fighting for the right to exist. It’s not the same war.”

Lily took a deep breath, calming herself down. When she spoke again it was softer.

“I know what you face with your lycanthropy is something I’ll never really understand. You’ve got it your whole life, from all sides. Even the people who are fighting against Voldemort would still gladly see you tossed from wizarding society soon as the war is won. Then you turn around to muggle society and they tell you you’re not welcome for who you love. On top of that, you’re sick and in pain and that alone, shit Remus no wonder you feel the need to medicate. I don’t even know what to tell you. I don’t know how to make it better. All I can say is I love you, and I see you, and I’d die for you the same way I know you would for me. Don’t you ever feel, even for a moment, that you’re weaker than them. That you’re failing to rise to the same challenges. They’re afraid. They love you; I know they do. No matter what happens, I know they’d still die for you, too. They’re just afraid. Fear makes people stupid about anything they don’t understand and love, you are fighting a war that they just do not understand.”

Remus sat in stunned silence. All thoughts of tears were well forgotten. Few people had ever spoken to him so candidly about his condition. For the first time in a long time, he actually felt his self-loathing ease just a little bit.

Leave it to Lily to cut through the bullshit in a way nobody else could.

She reached over to the playpen and picked up Harry, who was beginning to fuss, repeating ‘mama’ over and over in a long babbling string of syllables. She sat him gently on her knee and bounced him up and down. She was staring at Harry lovingly when she spoke once more, this time in a sing-song, higher tone.

“Now, let’s talk about getting clean and sober! That’s right Harry, Uncle Remus is going to detox. Yes he is, yes he is.”

Remus let out a loud laugh. He grinned at Lily and Harry. Lily looked up at him questioningly. Remus looked back for a beat before giving her a tentative nod of agreement.

Clean and sober. Only addicts needed to get clean and sober. He’d been terrified of the prospect that those words would ever need to apply to him. Even more afraid of what it would mean to give up the only thing that he felt had been keeping him afloat. In that moment he was just so very, very tired. Maybe clean and sober wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe he could do that.


	27. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius walk and talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been by far the longest gap between updates. Sorry about that! Had a lot of stuff going on IRL and also just found this chapter quite difficult to write. I'm still not totally sure I'm happy with it, but I hope you all like it!  
> Thanks so much to all the people who've been commenting, it really means a lot!

He couldn’t do it. 

All of them were staring at him with an unbearable air of pity. Why had he let Lily talk him into doing it this way?

She had insisted that if he tried to deal with it quietly and continue to keep them all out then he would just end up right back at square one. She was probably right. Any attempt he’d made to stop using so far had pretty much failed before it started. That didn’t make the idea of confessing his weakness to all of his closest friends at once any less humiliating.

At first Lily hadn’t wanted him to leave her house at all. She wanted to deal with it then and there, bringing in James and Sirius and just getting it all out of the way. She'd almost had him convinced. It would be so much easier to have her there as backup with Sirius. To have him show up with Remus already getting sick, to let Lily do the talking for him. Even Sirius would find it hard to argue with him while he was busy puking up his guts.

No. Sirius deserved better than that. He deserved better than to just be another part of the group, thrust into the middle of a crisis and forced to put his own feelings about it to the side. He deserved an honest, open conversation and for once in his fucking life, Remus was going to give it to him. He was going to try.

After a lot of back and forth he finally managed to convince Lily that it had to be that way. They came up with a plan that would have Remus see one last night of freedom, to be spent having what was likely to be a deeply unpleasant conversation. He would come back the next day, Sirius by his side if all went well. She decided if they were going to wait, then she'd use the time wisely, make sure everything was in place to deal with whatever complications may arise. She figured the best way to do that was to bring in Dorcas and Marlene, the resident experts, being a healer and an addict respectively. Neither she nor Remus really knew how sick he was going to get or what to do if something went wrong, so it made sense to get their help. And James would be there of course since it was his house, and hell if the whole gang’s there might as well invite Peter. He let it all get away from him a bit, but he was too tired and ashamed to fight Lily on the finer details. In the end he’d practically agreed to help host his own intervention. 

He kept flashing back to when they were kids. Walking into his dormitory, first night back after yet another torturous transformation in that horrible shack. James, Sirius, and Peter had been waiting with a pile of chocolate and hot tea. There was a chart mapping the lunar cycle laid out. As soon as he saw it he tried to leave, but James blocked the door. It took hours to break through the blind panic enough to assure him they were on his side no matter what. Months after that before he really trusted it.

Fuck though, with all the other fears and pain that came from them knowing, it had still been so much better than having to hide.

So they had a day to prepare. A day before he would be giving up his lifeline. Lily was very reluctant to let him go. Neither of them said it, but they both knew if he was going home, he was getting high. He promised her he was coming back. They were going through with this, no matter what.

Truth was he had no plans of backing out. He couldn’t keep going like he had been. A little more everyday he thought about how easy it would be to just give up. Dissappear. Something had to change. He was tired. So, so tired. 

Sirius hadn’t come home until late, caught up with an important report. When he got back to the flat, Remus was sitting at the table, waiting for him. It’s what Sirius always did when he wanted to have a difficult conversation, so he was immediately alert. He was a little confused when Remus asked him to go for a walk.

They ended up at the nearby community center. The support group had some late meetings which Remus had found the times of on a pamphlet. Sirius side eyed him as they walked in and sat down in the plastic fold out chairs at the back of the room, behind a small audience of very diverse people who all shared the same look of exhaustion. Remus didn’t give an explanation, just sat with his arms folded across his chest, avoiding looking at Sirius. The woman at the front of the room seemed to be halfway through a story.

“It’s totally fucked, after all that time to just mess it all up again. I really thought I was over it. I barely even got cravings anymore, you know? I was clean for years, and then I was at this big work event and I went out back for a smoke and couple of the servers were having their own little party. It wasn’t planned. I hadn't thought about it in ages, but suddenly it was there and I just... acted. That was about six months ago, now here I am. Again. I won't go into all the gory details right now, but the thing that really gets me is that I thought I was done. Arrogant, I know. I thought I has just gotten over my addiction and I was better now. Better than all of you. Like I didn't need this place anymore. I think for the first time, I really understand that this is forever. I’m going to have to be fighting this every goddamn day for the rest of my life. I couldn’t imagine anything more miserable. Except for not fighting it, I guess.” 

That statement got her a few sympathetic nods. Sirius tapped his fingers on his thigh nervously, listening intently to the woman. She wrapped up with a description of her commitment to moving forward with her sobriety and thanked the group. She sat down after a smattering of unenthusiastic applause. They sat together as another few people came and told their stories. Sirius payed close attention while Remus just tried resist the urge to get up and leave. The smell of stale coffee and sweat permeated the air. His hands were shaking.

Another lost soul took the podium. He described his issues with alcohol that had cost him his relationship. A girl who looked barley older than eighteen talked about her continuing struggle with amphetamines that were first given to her by her mother in an effort to make her lose weight. The last speaker was an older man who spoke about his heroin addiction. He said he was fifteen years clean. He’d been in and out of jail in his youth and ran with a bad crowd, but eventually, after losing his best friend to an overdose, he decided he just couldn’t do it anymore. Remus walked out when he was in the middle of his story. Nobody in the room payed attention to him. Sirius followed close behind.

When he got outside Remus was leaning against a wall, waiting for him. His breathing was shallow, but he seemed to be getting it under control. Sirius walked up to him. They looked at each other for a moment. Sirius noticed for the first time that Remus’ eyes seemed a little swollen, like he’d been crying earlier. Rather than speak, he gestured to indicate Remus should walk with him. He did.

Sirius led them down to the Thames and they walked by the riverside, eventually coming to an old spot where they used to like to go after a big night out just to sit and decompress. The water glittered under the reflection of the city lights.

“I didn’t know what to say,” said Remus. “I was sitting at home all night trying to think of something and came up blank. I was hoping those people could do some of the heavy lifting for me, but I didn’t realize how fucking unbearable it would be to listen to.”

“I thought it was interesting.”

“Then I suppose it was a success.”

“Have you figured out what you want to say yet?” Sirius asked.

Remus pulled out a cigarette and lighter from his coat pocket. For once, Sirius didn’t comment on it. Remus took a deep drag before speaking again.

“I really need you not to tell me this isn’t real. It’s fine if you don’t understand, but I don’t think I can handle it right now if you tell me I’m just making excuses,” said Remus, looking imploringly at Sirius.

Sirius felt a stab of guilt. He’d been watching Remus a lot more closely lately, trying to see him through a lens that wasn't clouded with anger. Lily’s words had finally gotten through to him a bit. The more he watched, the more he’d started to see that there was something very wrong. That it had been blatantly obvious for a long, long time and he’d just been so caught up in resentment that he hadn't allowed himself to acknowledge it.

“I’m listening,” he said sincerely.

“I have a problem, Sirius. It’s out of control, and I need help.”

Remus didn’t look at him as he spoke, staring out into the distance. He could feel Sirius' eyes on him.

“Alright,” Sirius said. “Where do we go from here?”

“I have to get clean. To stop using. Or try to, anyway. I don’t know how well the whole thing is going to go, but I do know that it’s going to fail miserably if I do it alone.”

“Why now? What brought this on?” Sirius asked.

“I think it’s been coming on for a long time. Probably well overdue, actually. I had a talk with Lily today, and you know how she does that whole killing you with kindness thing. She finally wore me down, I guess.”

“She’s bloody relentless." A Beat. "We’re very lucky to know her.”

“Yeah, we are.”

Remus and Lily had both agreed it was probably okay to leave out the part about the arrest. There were no charges and something like that was likely to freak the others out enough that it would totally derail the issue. Remus was grateful for this, as there was truly only so much he could handle. He'd tell Sirius eventually, when enough time had passed to laugh about it.

“So what now, then? Are you going to keep going to those meetings? Did that help?”

“No,” said Remus very quickly. “No, I don’t think that’s for me. I could hardly talk at something like that, anyway. ‘Hello muggles, my name is Remus, I’m an addict,” his breath hitched slightly on the word and he noticed that Sirius’ did too, but he powered through, “let me tell you about my experiences doing top secret work for a war you don’t know about in a society that it’s a crime for me to tell you exists.”

“I see your point.”

“I think I just need to stop all at once. And I need you all to know about it or I’m just going to start again because that’s exactly what’s happened every time I’ve tried before. Maybe that’s weak, but I don’t know what else to do and I’m so tired,” he said, and Sirius could hear the truth of it in every syllable. 

“It’s not- look, I’m not going to pretend to understand completely. I know I’ve said some unfair things. I haven’t been listening properly. I’m listening now, though. I don’t think you’re weak.”

They’d stayed by the river for hours, just talking. Remus had explained the ins and outs of his habit, and to his surprise Sirius was actually fairly familiar with heroin. He’d never made the connection between that and drugs like Morphine or been able to specifically identify it as a substance Remus was using, but he was familiar on a conceptual level. He and James had worked a case way back that involved questioning some witnesses at a muggle drug den. Sirius shuddered to think that his partner was doing the same thing that had left those people in such a sorry state. It was hard to connect the image of those emaciated, sickly folks with the man in front of him.

“Also,” Sirius had said, “I know who Sid Vicious is. Lou Reed, Iggy Pop. You don’t spend this long hanging around the punk scene without learning what heroin is.”

“Fair point. Unfortunately, I don’t make great music so much as do stupid things that ruin my life and hurt everyone around me. Still, it’s flattering to be in such good company.”

They had to leave when Remus had started getting too sick. He’d wanted to have a clear head for their conversation, so between that and his eventful day, he was pushing well past his limits.

When they got home, Remus went right out to the terrace to smoke. Sirius followed him, watching on with a sense of morbid curiosity. Remus explained, when he asked how he’d almost never seen him using when he was doing it so frequently, about the laced cigarettes. Sirius noticed that he took them from a different package to the smokes he had earlier. He'd never picked up on that before. 

“So you’re really not stopping until the last possible second, then?” asked Sirius as Remus lit up.

“I have about 10 hours left and I’m making the most of it. I’m just sticking to the plan.” He glanced uncomfortably at Sirius. “You really don’t need to watch.”

“Moony, I have watched you swallow, snort, and smoke an absurd assortment of substances more times than I can possibly count over the years,” he said. He paused briefly, contemplating. “Though now that I think about it, not so much over the last year or so. Even when I knew you were doing that stuff on the regular, it wasn't in front of me. I guess that’s part of it, right? Feeling like you need to hide so nobody knows how bad it is.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Well, I know, so no point hiding. You can do whatever you want, but you’ve got an audience now and you’ll just have to cope with that.”

Remus was almost getting numb to the sense of shame that seemed to live permanently in his gut. It swelled a little as he took a drag, but it didn’t stop him. A part of Sirius wanted to grab him and shake him. Ask him what the fuck he was doing, how he could put more of that shit into his body knowing the damage it had done. Instead, he just let it happen. 

“I think Lily’s afraid I won’t show up,” Remus said after a while.

“You’re doing this even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming.”

“I hope you’re serious because you may well have to follow through on that.”

“I’m always Sirius,” he said completely deadpan.

Remus took another slow drag, refusing to acknowledge the joke but smiling slightly despite himself.

In the end Sirius didn't have to drag him kicking and screaming. No, he had to drag him to Godric's Hollow completely off his face. The closer morning came, the more that blind panic started to seep in and Remus dealt with it the same way he usually did. Sirius felt a sort of sick fascination as he watched the scene unfold. He thought maybe he should stop him. Then again, if the situation was reversed and Sirius knew he was about to give up something he loved (hopefully) forever, he'd probably want to hold on a little longer too.

They showed up late. The last ones to arrive, their friends all there, waiting anxiously. Lily let out a huge sigh of relief when they finally materialized in the fireplace, but it was quickly quelled when she noticed that Sirius was half supporting a glassy-eyed Remus' weight. Sirius looked at her apologetically.

"Oh great, the gangs all here," said Remus hollowly, glad to be numb as he distantly registered the expressions that ranged from pity to disgust.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence as everyone stared at their friend, thinking about the long and difficult road ahead. It was finally broken by James.

"Class act, Moony. At least you made it inside without puking this time," he chirped.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter as Remus cracked a small smile. The tension in the room eased just a little.

"If you can't handle puke, Prongs, you're in for a rough few days."


	28. Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus goes through withdrawal. The people who love him are there to help him.

Remus sat alone in the spare room, unable to distinguish the nausea of his early withdrawal symptoms from that of his anxiety. He was grateful when Dorcas insisted on speaking to him privately. Itemizing his habits, what he was taking, how much, how long, it had been brutal to see it all laid out on parchment. He didn’t need an audience for that.

She’d given him a worried look as she read through the list, but quickly buried it beneath a sympathetic smile. 

She invited him to come with her to talk to the others as they came up with a plan of action. He declined.

“You can all decide whatever you want. I’ll do it. I don’t care.”

She nodded. He’d been quite petulant when they’d insisted he take a potion to sober up when he first arrived. She could tell he was still embarrassed by his behavior.

* * *

“It’s not the heroin I’m worried about. Long term, sure, that’s probably his biggest issue, but right now not so much. Opiate withdrawal is unpleasant, but it’s not going to kill him. If it was just that then I wouldn’t be concerned.”

“Well what, then?” asked Sirius, arms folded tightly across his chest as he sat perched on the arm of the couch.

“He’s been taking benzos. Most days, for a long time. Even more consistently than the opiates,” explained Dorcas. She sighed when everyone looked at her questioningly. “It’s a depressant. It’s a quiet drug. Doesn’t have a dramatic high or hard come down, so people don’t always realize what it’s doing to them. They get hooked without noticing. He said it’s just been to ease his anxiety and help him sleep. He didn't say so, but I suspect it probably helped a lot with his withdrawal symptoms in between fixes. Point is, there’s no way he hasn’t developed some kind of dependence with the amount he’s been taking.” She left out that he'd also been using a not insignificant amount of amphetamines. Again, not her biggest worry in the short term.

“How bad is this, Dory?” asked Lily.

“It’ll take the right potions and care, but we can manage. He’s going to have a rough time of it, though. This puts him at higher risk for seizures. He shouldn’t be left alone for at least the next week. At all.”

* * *

“Oh great, so everyone gets a turn babysitting the junkie.”

“Stop calling yourself that,” said Sirius, stroking a hand through Remus’ hair. “And stop being so dramatic. It’s not condescending of us to want to make sure you don’t have a fucking seizure.”

Sirius sat against the headboard, Remus curled up on the bed, head in his lap. He could feel the tremor running through his whole body.

“It’s so stupid. I don’t even really care about the benzos. I could take it or leave it, you know? It was just easy, like background noise,” he moaned. “I could try to taper off slowly. I’ve done that before; I can do it again. Maybe this whole thing was a foolish idea,” Remus suggested halfheartedly.

“How’s that worked out for you so far?”

“I haven’t had a drink in months,” he said defensively.

“Good thing too, you should have heard what Dory had to say about quitting alcohol cold turkey. That’s a term I just learned, by the way. Cold turkey. No idea what it means. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a live turkey in person. Had an aunt who bred peacocks for show, though. Temperamental little bastards,” Sirius said idly.

Remus stared up at him incredulously. 

“Every now and then I forget how absurd your family is, then you say things like that in your posh little voice and all the leather, piercings, and tattoos in the world can’t cover up the fact that you were a rich kid.”

“Merlin, I wish _I_ could forget my family,” he said wistfully. “You know, I think the fact that you were getting high on, apparently, _every substance known to man_ on a daily basis might have contributed to your ability to effectively taper off alcohol. Not to be overly critical, take your wins where you can get them, but do you really think you can replicate that success this time around?”

“Not a chance in hell, no. But it’s nice to imagine,” said Remus, curling up a little tighter, shaking arms clutching at his stomach.

Sirius slid down the bed a little, shifting until he was lying down behind Remus. He wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in tight to his body.

“You’ll get through it,” he all but whispered. “I’ve got you.”

Remus couldn’t hold the sob that broke out of him as he lay there in Sirius’ arms.

* * *

“Drink this,” Marlene said, holding a small vial of lurid blue liquid. “Dory said you need it twice a day.”

Remus reached out as Marlene took her seat on the chair by the bed. His hands were shaking too much to get a grip on the vial. Marlene managed to catch it before it fell to the ground.

“Fuck,” he said, pulling his hand back and clenching his fist to ease the tremor. 

“It’s fine,” said Marlene, uncorking the vial and leaning forward. “Open up.”

Remus had barley managed to pull himself up into a sitting position, his whole body covered in a sheen of sweat. He looked as if he were about to object, but after a moment he obeyed. She tipped the bitter liquid in his mouth, and a few seconds later he felt his tremors easing just a bit.

“Thanks,” he said weakly.

“Don’t mention it,” she replied. “So, welcome to sobriety. You found your sense of inner peace yet?”

“Yeah but I think I threw it back up about ten minutes ago.”

“That’s rough.”

Remus pulled his knees up closer to his chest, trying to fight against the next wave of nausea.

“So, is sobriety worth the suffering? Am I on the way to a better me?”

“I don’t know,” said Marlene with a shrug. “Doesn’t look fun, but I don’t imagine you were having much fun before this, either.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” asked Remus.

“I’ve never been through withdrawal, but it seems like it fucking sucks.”

“You’ve never- what are you talking about? What about when you quite coke? Marley this is the whole reason you were invited!”

“First of all, ouch. Am I not cool enough to be part of your little detox party without something to offer?” she asked, leaning back and raising her eyebrow. “Second of all, no. I was really more of the short but intense binges type. A couple of crazy weeks at a time, but the kind of sustained use that leads to this sort of thing,” she said gesturing to him, “wasn’t really my style.”

“Oh, well, good for you for having so much self-control,” he said bitterly.

“Remi, I’m still an addict. It looks a little different on me than it does on you, but trust me when I say I did more than enough damage to my own life. Not to mention Dory and my parents,” she said with a hint of sadness that was quickly suppressed. “Still, I was never half as bad as you, I’ll concede. You’ve really upped the game vis a vi rampant substance abuse. I mean really Remi, heroin? I’m almost impressed.”

He huffed a small, humorless laugh. “Fuck, Marley, how do you do it? How do you just… just live? I don’t think I’ve gone more than a week without being some kind of fucked up since I was in school.”

Marlene let out a long, low whistle. “I knew you were deep in it, especially lately, but fuck… For me, I got so close to burning down the future I’d been building. That I'd been working towards my whole life. It was the war, you know. It just got to me. It still does. I went out and partied to distract myself from that feeling like it’s all going away at any moment. Then I fucked it all up. Then I realized, what’s the point? If I ruin everything that matters to me before the war even gets a chance, then what’s the fucking point? So I stopped. Of course it wasn't as easy as all that, but that's the short version.”

“So you’re cured then?” he asked sardonically.

"Put it this way. You're not transformed right now. You're regular old human you. So, are you cured of your lycanthropy? No, because it's something that's with you no matter what the phase of the moon."

"That's... depressing."

"Sure. Yeah, it is. Sorry. Upside is you can't fight the moon, but this? You can fight this."

* * *

Remus could feel every nerve ending in his body firing off at once. He retched again, but he had long since cleared the contents of his stomach. He could feel a million tiny bugs crawling on his skin and he wanted nothing more than to rip it off.

James looked down at his watch as he rubbed Remus’ back where he lay hunched over the side of the sweat soaked bed. 

“Alright, it’s been long enough,” said James, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small vial.

Remus pulled himself back from the edge the bed and made a haphazard attempt to sit upright. It did not go well. James reached over and held the vial to his mouth, helping him drink it.

He gagged a little as the liquid hit his throat.

Eventually his body relaxed some and he uncurled a little as his stomach started to settle. He gave a soft sigh of relief at the small comfort, even as he scratched hard at his arms.

“I wish I could give you more, but according to Lily and Dory, it’s pretty hardcore stuff. You’ll get another Dreamless Sleep tonight, so there’s something to look forward to.”

“How about a dose of cyanide? Would have to be better than this,” said Remus, his voice scratchy and strained.

James gave him a funny look that he couldn’t quite interpret, then spoke without acknowledging the comment. 

“Dory reckons today and tomorrow are likely your worst days, then it’ll start to ease up a bit,” he reassured.

“It feels like the hours right before the full moon, only if there were three moons all pulling in different directions. I feel like I’m coming out of my skin,” Remus said, an edge of hysteria creeping into his voice. “I can’t do it Prongs, I need it to stop,” he said as he tried to push himself off the bed into a standing position.

“Woah, hey-” exclaimed James, ducking forward and gripping Remus under the arm just in time to stop him from falling to the floor. “Let’s stick to the bed for now, Moony,” he said as he guided him back down.

“This was a mistake,” Remus said, starting to hyperventilate. “I don’t want this, I just want to be high why would anybody want to feel like this? You have to let me go, I have to go-”

James looked around for a moment, trying to come up with a plan as he watched his friend spiral out in front of him. He grabbed the little medical bag from near his feet and rummaged through it, pulling out a bottle.

“Here, Moony, I’ve been told you’re allowed this, it’s-”

Remus had grabbed the bottle and downed its contents before James could finish. As the warm liquid trickled down his esophagus, he felt a calm spread through his aching limbs and blossoming in his chest.

“-Calming Draught…” finished James lamely. “Right. Feeling any better?”

Remus nodded, closing his eyes and taking a few steadying breaths. James had been there for hours. They’d mostly sat in silence, with Remus alternating between tossing and turning in a hopeless effort to get comfortable, and throwing up. Between whatever it was that Dorcas was giving him to stave off the worst of the withdrawal and the Calming Draught, he was feeling more coherent than he had all day.

“I must be the worst house guest ever,” he said, shivering against the soft pillows behind him.

“I don’t think so. I once walked in on Marley and Dory having sex on our couch, back in the share house. In the middle of the living room, in broad daylight,” James said, scrunching up his face a little at the memory.

“Me too, actually. More than once.”

“I’ve walked in on you and Pads a few times too many,” he said with a slight tinge of disgust. “None of you have caught Lily and I because we have basic decency.”

“None of us have walked in on you and Lily because the rest of us actually know how to knock on doors” Remus shot back.

He stretched out a bit, flinching as the muscles in his back spasmed. He let out a pained groan as all his joints loudly rebelled at his attempt to adjust his position. James watched on, concerned. Eventually he seemed to settle, though James knew it wouldn’t last long.

“This can’t be worth it,” said James abruptly, not having intended to speak out loud. 

Remus looked up at him, already irritated. “What the fuck are you on about, Prongs?”

“All that stuff you’ve been putting in your body. It can’t have possibly been worth all this,” he said. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be dismissive,” he added a little sheepishly. “I just want to understand.”

“I didn’t set out to make myself sick, it wasn’t the fucking goal,” Remus snapped.

“Not just this,” he said, gesturing at Remus vaguely. “All of it. Everything that’s happened, the lying, the cheating-” James immediately regret his words, clamping his mouth shut as soon as he spoke them.

“Obviously it wasn’t fucking worth it! None of it was worth it and I have enough regrets to last a lifetime, but must we sit here and list them all right fucking now?” he spat bitterly, feeling another wave of nausea rise along with the shame in his gut.

“I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant,” said James earnestly. “I just mean… what’s living in your head that you’re willing to go through all this just to kill it?”

That stopped Remus in his tracks. He looked at James, noted the plea in his eyes. The way he was having to clench his hands together just to stop himself from reaching out. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. 

“You know I love you, right? I’ve been a stubborn twat, taking sides when I didn’t need to, but you- you do know, don’t you?” asked James a little desperately. 

Remus didn’t look at James. He nodded his head tentatively, uncertainly. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words didn’t come. A split second later he was bent over the side of the bed where the bucket sat, retching violently.

* * *

Cold. Ice cold.

Every muscle in his body was spasming. Despite the freezing chill that ran through him, his skin was slick with sweat. 

Was he awake? He couldn’t tell.

Everything hurt. He thought he felt a hand on him. Electricity shot through him where he was touched. His breathing was coming short and fast.

He opened his eyes, but he could not see. There was only darkness, pressing in on every side. Was that yelling coming from him, or someone else?

He felt something press to his lips and he tried desperately to pull away. It was back quickly, only this time his head was held in place. A boiling liquid hit his tongue and he felt himself chocking at the foul taste.

A burning heat spread through his limbs. It slowly warmed his freezing body, starting at his core and gradually seeping out until he could feel his skin burning too. Like he was on fire.

Then all at once the sensation disappeared and he was hit with a brutal, bright awareness.

He shot up in the bed, coughing and spluttering. He was definitely awake now. Dorcas was there beside him, a look of alarm on her face. He tried to speak, but his throat felt like gravel and he was so desperately weak.

“Hey, it’s okay Remi, calm down,” said Dorcas in a soothing voice. “You spiked a fever and you were starting to convulse. I had to give you something to cool you down. I think I got it in time to head off a full blown seizure.”

He caught his breath slowly, nodding before his arms gave out underneath him and he collapsed back into the bed. 

“It’s been so long since we hung out, just the two of us. It’s nice to reconnect, but this wouldn’t have been my first choice,” said Dorcas, a little flustered.

“R-really? It’s ex-exactly what I had in m-mind,” Remus stuttered out, expending a great deal of energy to say even that much.

“Don’t try to talk, just rest, okay? I’ll do my best to keep you comfortable.”

She ducked back down to her medical bag and pulled out an assortment of potions. She lined them up carefully on the bedside table, and then pulled out her wand. She went to work, alternating between giving him various potions and casting spells and charms. It felt so familiar, words and actions that took him far back to his recovery periods in the Hogwarts hospital wing. She didn’t have the same firm hand as Madam Pomfrey, but she was meticulous in her work. He’d spent so much of his life being taken care of.

“This whole treatment plan is a mess,” she said, talking at him the whole time she worked. “I’m still in training technically. We don’t get a lot of this sort of thing at St Mungo's.”

She paused for a minute as she muttered an incantation under her breath that came with a series of complicated wand movements. It made his nerve endings tingle.

“Some of this is what I know, some of it is borrowed from Lily’s books and her potions knowledge. I did a lot of research for Marley, when she was having trouble. It’s not so new to me though. I had an uncle, he had some problems with sleeping pills. It’s how I knew what to look out for with the benzos, because I’d seen him try to quit them.”

“ _Had?_ ” Remus chocked out with a look of distress.

“Oh! Oh no, he managed to get clean. Stayed that way until he died of a heart attack, totally unrelated,” she clarified. 

She went to give him another potion, but he reached up and grabbed this one himself. He was shaky, but he managed to drink it unassisted. Dorcas smiled, reassured that her treatment was easing his symptoms a little.

“You can get through this. I won’t lie and tell you it’s easy, but it’s possible. But if you keep down the path you’ve been on you won’t be around to get old and worry about unexpected heart attacks with the rest of us. We all really want you around for that. Fuck knows I can’t handle Marley on my own,” she said as she finished up and closed her bag.

“Do you know how many lycanthropes die of natural causes?” Remus asked, looking like he’d run a marathon just to get through the sentence in one go.

Marlene’s face fell. She was all too familiar with those statistics. She’d come face to face with the reality of it in her work. There had been a young woman brought into the ER with a severe case of poisoning, too late for even a bezoar to save her. Dark black hair, scars all over, so young. Dorcas had known instantly what she was. They never did find out if she was attacked or if she’d done it to herself, but Dorcas had overheard a colleague say whoever the culprit, they’d done the world a favor. She cried every night for a week and never told Marlene why. She always kept those stories to herself. The rest of them didn’t need to have that shit running through their heads every time they looked at their friend. Every time they watched him do something horribly self-destructive.

“Remi, if I have a single thing to say about it you’re going to make it to a hundred years old with five kinds of cancer and dementia. It’ll be fucking miserable. You’ll outlive us all.”

* * *

“Heard it was a rough day,” said Sirius softly as he crawled into bed next to Remus.

He didn’t care about dirty sheets, the sweat, the smell of sick. He handed Remus the bottle of Dreamless Sleep, settling into this temporary routine. Remus shrugged as he took the bottle.

“How about you?” Remus asked quietly.

“Absolute shit.”

Sirius kissed him gently. Remus drank the potion and curled up. He felt Sirius transform just before he drifted off, the big black dog nuzzling into him.

* * *

“You look quite a bit improved from the last time I was here,” said Peter after taking his seat.

“I managed to eat a single piece of toast this morning without throwing up, so I’m pretty much on top of the world,” Remus deadpanned. 

Peter wrung his hands in his lap. Remus knew how uncomfortable he was with the whole situation. He could hardly blame him. Peter had always struggled with other people’s problems, struggled with the right words and the right feelings. But he showed up. He always showed up when it mattered.

“How are your parents holding up?” asked Remus pleasantly.

“Oh, you know, rather well all things considered. Father doesn’t much like retirement but mother loves having him home,” said Peter, still not able to shake that nervous energy. 

He kept glancing at Remus and looking away again. He’d been uneasy around Remus the entire withdrawal process, as he often was around things that were too far out of his ability to understand or predict. This was different though. He was distinctly on edge.

“Is there something on your mind, Wormy?” he asked.

“No, it’s just- it’s nothing really. I don’t want to upset you.”

“Say what you want to say.”

“Well… I’ve been thinking. Trying to figure it all out. You… you’ve done things that have hurt people. People you really love, for selfish reasons. So how do you do it? How do you live with it?”

Remus felt his heart sinking. Peter didn’t mean to be cruel. He seemed so sincere, so invested in the answer. It’s not like he was saying anything that wasn’t true. Remus kept his expression neutral as he thought through a response that didn’t involve telling Peter to shove off and mind his own business.

“I suppose I’ll have to figure that out,” he said after a while, prompting a look of confusion from his friend. “Well,” Remus clarified, “you don’t have to know how to live with your feelings if you just stop yourself from having them. I guess I have to learn now. I wish I had an answer, believe me.”

Peter nodded at this, wringing his hands a little more. He seemed oddly dissatisfied with the answer. For a moment Remus almost thought he looked afraid. It quickly passed, and an awkwardly pleasant smile was plastered on Peter’s face once again.

“Oh, that makes sense,” he said. “I’m glad you’re improving. It will be nice to have the old Moony back.”

* * *

Lily kept glancing back up at Remus as he slowly descended the stairs, gripping the banister hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He’d insisted he was well enough to leave the guest room (or ‘fucking prison cell’ as he’d called it.) She would have preferred Dorcas check him out before agreeing to more physical activity, but she wasn’t around and he seemed a lot better.

“Moony! You’re looking… hmm, good to see you up, anyway,” said James as they got to the bottom of the stairs.

He paused playing with Harry on the living room floor and watched as they made their way to the kitchen, Remus taking a seat at the little dining table. He slumped into the chair, leaning forward and placing his head on his arms that were folded on the table. James shot Lily a look of concern. She just shook her head at him and started on a pot of tea.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Shitty. Weak,” Remus moaned.

“You’re not weak, you’re just going through-”

“No, Prongs, you tosser, _physically_ weak, like in my body,” Remus interrupted.

He was getting very sick of the constant affirmations. Was it too much to ask to just have a normal conversation? James focused his attention back on Harry but kept an ear on the kitchen.

“Camomile or ginger?” Lily asked Remus.

“How about Vodka?” he muttered into his arms.

“Remus!” 

“It was a joke, Lil, relax,” he said as he sat up properly. “Ginger would be lovely.”

“It’s not funny. If I could keep you in this house forever I would, but you’re going to be well enough to leave soon and comments like that hardly reassure me that you’re ready to be alone,” she chastised.

“No, of course not, ridiculous of me to make light of my own situation. I am an addict so I must suffer in solemn silence and always be aware of the pain I cause just by existing,” he huffed.

“You’re an ass is what you are. All day you’ve been acting like a child,” Lily said.

“I know,” he sighed. “I’m sorry, I just need some time alone. Preferably in my own home.”

A moment to process. To think. To figure out who the fuck he was supposed to be sober. Addict. He’d been using the word, trying to get used to how it feels on him. He could say it without flinching now but not without bitterness. He did not yet know what it meant for his life going forward. Everything had changed all at once, and it had happened under the constant, scrutinizing watch of his friends and he just needed a fucking second to himself. 

“As soon as Dory clears you. Even if you’re feeling better, there’s still risks.”

“Can we talk about literally anything else, please? It really was a joke, Lily.” 

James stood, scooping Harry up in one swift movement that had him giggling wildly, drawing Remus and Lily’s attention. He made his way over to the kitchen table and sat Harry down right in front of Remus.

“You’re in a mood, take the baby.”

“He’s- Prongs he’s a person not a toy,” said Remus even as he reached out to grab Harry.

“Yeah but he’s so cute. Besides, he misses you and now that you seem less likely to puke on him I think some quality time is in order,” said James, prompting an approving smile from Lily.

Harry crawled his way onto Remus’ lap, apparently delighted to see him. Remus gave him a warm hug.

“This isn’t fair. I wasn’t done being miserable. I have so much more left in me,” he said, ruffling Harry’s thick, messy hair. 

“Harry has the ultimate power over all of us, Remi, it can’t be helped,” said Lily as she went to tend the tea.

* * *

Remus sat on the couch, leaning against Sirius. The whole group was there and he was pleased to feel in significantly better condition that the last time he’d been in this position, a little more than a week ago. 

Dorcas had declared that he was out of the woods for the most part. He may well be experiencing minor withdrawal symptoms for weeks, and the weakness and fatigue would take a while to improve. Still, the constant monitoring and treatment was no longer necessary.

They’d all sat down to a warm meal, a pleasant reward for what had been an arduous experience all round. That was over now, and Remus would be heading home with Sirius. 

First there was one final conversation that he was absolutely dreading because he knew he didn’t have the answers they all wanted from him. The answers to the question on everyone’s lips: What now?

“You’re sure you got everything?” asked Lily.

“Yes I’m sure. I ransacked the whole flat,” Sirius replied.

“And you’re ready, Remi, you know what to do if Sirius isn’t around and you’re having trouble?”

“Yeah, I know. Show up here any time of day or night and annoy the shit out of you and James,” he said, wondering how long it would take for him to get over the embarrassment of having to constantly have these sorts of conversations.

“Alright, Lil, I think he gets it,” said Marlene gently, empathizing with his discomfort. 

Lily backed off a little. They all stared at him, not quite sure where to go next. The silence was broken by Peter of all people.

“Do you really think you can do it? If things were really so bad before, I don’t understand how you can just turn it off,” he said in a tone that was more confused than accusatory.

“Shut it Wormy, you git,” said James as Sirius reached over and threw a pillow in Peter’s direction. The others stared disapprovingly at him too. Peter held up his hands defensively. The suggestion that Remus might just instantly fuck it all up was somewhat of a taboo, even though he was certain they were all thinking it.

“It’s fine, everyone just calm down,” he said. “I don’t know, Peter. I think so. I hope so.” He paused, looking around at his friends. His family. “I’m sorry for putting you all through this. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, really. I don’t think I can ever say it enough. I wish I could promise you that I’m going to be fine and the problem's all fixed but I’m sure we all know that’s a blatant lie. I’m trying. I can promise you that I’m trying.”

Sirius leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. The others seemed somewhat satisfied by this declaration.

“Real touching Remi, you going to confess your undying love for us all next?” teased Marlene, prompting Dorcas to whack her in the arm.

“No. In fact, if I have to talk about my feelings even once for at least the next month or two I’m genuinely going to lose it. Honestly, I’d kill for some small talk. I have a lot of thoughts about the weather, if anyone wants to hear them.”

“Oh yeah? Do tell,” said Sirius.

“It’s shit. England is a horrible country with horrible weather.”

“I actually quite like it,” said James. “Always been a fan of rain. And cold.”

“You’re nuts,” said Dorcas. “Do you know how good sunshine is for your health?”

They continued on in this fashion for a while. Remus sat back in silence, enjoying listening to them all bicker over completely trivial matters. Very soon he’d have to face the real world outside the safe and substance free confines of the Potter house. For now, it was nice to just think about the weather.


	29. Common Faults

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sobriety is not an easy feat. It's good to have friends to help out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, two chapters in as many days! Someone's on a roll.
> 
> Content warnings for this chapter include discussions of self harm and intrusive thoughts, as well as all the usual things.

Remus had been in the same position for… he didn’t know how many hours. The room had gotten dark around him quite some time ago. He felt it pressing in on him, begging him to move. To do what he needed to find a light. Still, he did not get up.

If he stood up, if he moved, there was only one place he was going. It was a place he did not wish to return to, even while he desperately longed to be there again.

So he sat. 

He sat until the precise moment he couldn’t sit any longer.

As soon as he was on his feet, he was out the door. A second later a loud crack rang through the empty flat.

He was in an alleyway outside a familiar bar. He knew what was waiting for him inside and he thought about how it would feel to have the acrid smoke coat his lungs. To feel it in his body. He could think of nothing in the world that he wanted more in that moment. He turned on the spot, another loud crack drawing the attention of muggles on the street to the now empty alley.

He stood at the end of the small cul-de-sac in Godric’s Hollow, staring at his friends front door. He didn’t want to wake them. It was so late, and strangers in the night were an alarming prospect when you’re in hiding from a homicidal monster. He probably shouldn't have even apparated there. That noise alone might have been cause for panic. He was a terrible friend. He should just leave them be.

He stepped forward and knocked on the door.

Not long after, a bleary eyed but alert James opened it up and stared hard. He gestured for Remus to come in. He obliged, James shutting the door quickly behind him. As soon as the door was closed, he rounded on Remus, stepping in close and staring him right in the eyes.

“Are you high? Drunk? What’s going on Remus?” he asked anxiously. "I'm experiencing some distinctly uncomfortable déjà vu here, mate." 

“No, I’m fine, really. Hey-” he raised his hands defensively at James’ doubtful look, “I swear to you, I am completely sober.”

James hesitated a moment before stepping back and breathing a sigh of relief. 

“In that case, good to see you, Moony,” he said tiredly as he walked over to the kitchen and opened the fridge door. "Do you want something to drink? We have water, tea, be-" he closed the fridge door suddenly, standing up very straight. "We have water or tea."

Remus looked at him, amused. "Were you about to offer me a beer?"

"No?" he said shiftily. "Because that would be incredibly stupid. Also we don't even have any alcohol in this house anyway so don't you look foolish," James accused.

"It's fine Prongs, I don't expect everyone I know to be sober just because I have to be. Besides, the shitty light beer you drink isn't tempting even to me, and I've done lines off of toilet seats at nightclubs, so my standards aren't high. If you want to offer me a fifth of whiskey or some cocaine this might be a different conversation."

"You're getting very judgey for someone who just showed up on my doorstep at two in the morning." 

“I’m sorry," Remus said sheepishly. "Did I wake Lily?”

“No. Ever since the baby she can sleep through anything. I think all that waking up in the middle of the night to crying sort of broke something inside of her, now nothing short of the howls of an infant can rouse her. I’m incredibly jealous.”

“Oh, that’s good then,” said Remus as he took a seat at the kitchen table.

It wasn't true. She'd woken up right along with him as soon as they heard the cracking sound. When they'd looked out the window and seen Remus they thought that if he was in trouble he'd be less overwhelmed with just one of them. James insisted he'd come get her if there were any problems.

“So, what are you doing here? Not that you’re not always welcome to pop by.”

Remus paused a beat. “Sirius is away on-”

“- a mission. Right,” finished James with a sigh. Sirius had told him he was worried about this.

It was not ideal. It had only been a week and a half since Remus had come home after going through withdrawal. It was sooner than either of them was comfortable with. He still didn't feel particularly healthy and Sirius didn’t want to leave him alone, but the mission was the mission. Remus understood that better than anyone. He'd insisted he'd be back in time for the full moon, which they were both dreading more than usual.

He’d been occupying his days since getting clean by furiously cleaning and reorganizing the flat. When he got sick of that, he would go for long walks all around the city. A few days he’d stopped in with James and Lily, got lunch with Marlene. Anything to keep busy. At night he had Sirius. He thought he’d be okay alone. He really thought he could do it. He couldn't even make it one fucking night.

“It’s just… hard. I worry about him. Usually when he’s not around I- well, I find other ways to occupy my time,” he said ashamedly.

“Yeah, okay,” said James, leaning back against the kitchen bench. “I hate when he goes on missions. You too, actually. Ever since I stopped being able to. I hate feeling so useless. Wondering if this time-” he stopped abruptly, turning to poor the tea into the pretty china cups he’d inherited from his parents.

He didn’t need to finish the thought. Remus knew exactly what he meant. What he was afraid of.

“I almost didn’t come here,” he admitted quietly.

James took the two piping hot cups of tea and placed them on the table before sitting down across from Remus. “I’m glad you did.”

They sat for a while, Remus staring down at his drink, watching the steam rise and swirl gently though the air just above the cup.

“I can feel you staring, Prongs. Just say what you want to say. It’s fine.”

James forced a tight smile. He did want to talk, but he wasn’t convinced that Remus was up for this particular conversation just yet. Still, if he said so.

“I’ve been reading some of those books Lily borrowed out. Trying to understand a bit better. I’ve… I’ve been kind of a shit friend. No-” he said, holding up a hand to stop Remus interrupting, “-we don’t have to get into all that now. That’s not actually what I want to ask you about.” He paused, considering his words. “One of the books talked about how the detox and all that was really only the first part of it. There’s a lot of other stuff that comes afterwards. Things that can be a lot harder to deal with.”

“I don’t know that you’d be calling anything harder if you knew what withdrawal feels like,” said Remus in a pained voice. 

“I don’t know, I’m hardly speaking from experience here. It talks a lot about… about how in those first weeks and months people in… your situation, well,” “-Spit it out, Prongs-” “they try to hurt themselves. People who've just started recovery are at high risk for suicide attempts. According to the books,” he said awkwardly.

Remus stiffened visibly. He felt that familiar feeling wash over him, like he was dreaming. Like he wasn't quite there in the real world anymore.

“Those books are just a guideline James, not everything that’s in them necessarily applies to me,” he said a little airily, focusing on the feel of the cool tabletop underneath his fingers.

“So, you’re saying you wouldn’t do something like that?” asked James pointedly.

“I- I,” he sputtered out. “Why are you- I can’t… he told you, didn’t he,” finished Remus at last, seeming to deflate a little where he sat.

“Not exactly. He told me a bit, I figured out the rest. Don’t be upset with him. He kept it to himself a long time.”

“I’m not upset with him,” he said quietly. “It’s not going to happen again. I don’t know what he told you but I was drunk, and high, and that’s exactly what I’m trying not to be now so if anything the risk is lower than-”

“Moony just shut up for a second,” interrupted James. Remus complied. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I get it, okay? I really do.”

Remus tilted his head slightly. “What are you saying?”

“I never really talked about this with anyone, but things got a little dark right after my parents… you know. Everything was already messed up and then we found out we might be targeted by Voldemort himself and I kind of fell apart. Well, you were there,” he said uncomfortably, as if he were embarrassed by his completely understandable breakdown. “I’ve seen it, what happens to people he goes after. I’ve witnessed that horror show. That’s when there’s even anything left to see. I just kept getting these flashes popping into my head. All day, every day. Lily, the baby, all of you. I couldn’t stop seeing it. It’s hard to explain. It’s like it wasn’t even my thoughts. Like someone else was putting them into my head, but I couldn’t get away from it. It’s a lot better now but it still happens sometimes. Do you- do you ever get that?” 

Remus nodded tentatively. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

James looked a little relieved, like he’d expected Remus to tell him he was crazy.

“It’s not so bad now, but at the time, I just felt like the world was ending. For a little while… there’s like a whole month or two in there that’s just a fog. I remember one day I was trying to cook something and I couldn’t concentrate on anything and I accidentally cut myself and it hurt like hell but it was the first time in what felt like forever that I felt anything other than fear. So I…” he paused. “So I did it again. And it was so easy I thought, maybe, if I just did it one more time in the right place, I wouldn’t have to be around to see it. To see what he was going to do to everyone I loved. Then Lily came downstairs and saw that I was bleeding and I loathed myself for thinking even for a second that I could leave her.”

“Fucking hell, James,” Remus breathed. “I had no idea…”

“Yeah. I don’t think I stepped foot in the kitchen again for weeks. Longer, even. I never talked about it with Lily but you know, she always knows. Watched me like hawk until I finally started to snap out of it.” He held up his left hand, palm facing towards Remus. For the first time he noticed there were two thin white scars. One smaller, and the other a larger slash. They were hard to see. Lily must have done a good job healing them. “Not quite a match for your collection, but it’s what I’ve got.”

"I'm sorry I wasn't paying more attention. I should've noticed-"

"Are you daft? You and the others were over here practically every day checking up on me. You have no idea how much you helped. It's not your fault you're not a mind reader. Besides," he added softly, "it's not like I'm not guilty of not seeing, not _wanting_ to see- even in school, I worried but I never asked-"

"-I think we can just stop with the apologies," said Remus uncomfortably. In school? Maybe James wasn't as clueless as he sometimes seemed.

"Yeah, okay. Point is, I know the feeling."

"I can't believe Sirius never said anything about this," said Remus more to himself than anything.

James let out a sudden, short laugh. "Why do you assume Sirius knows anything about this?" he asked incredulously.

"I don't know. You two talk about everything. Sometimes I think the only reason you're not married to him is because you're straight," said Remus, only half teasing.

"Don't be gross, he's like my brother. Besides I'm not after your sloppy seconds," he said with grimace. "Look, I love Sirius, and granted we're both sharers at heart, but come on. He's had a lot of shit in his life, a lot of pain, but he likes to make it everyone else's problem. To take it out on the world, never himself. He thinks anything else is weak. I know you know what I'm talking about."

Remus sighed sadly. "Yeah, I do. But he's really trying to understand now."

"He is. I just wasn't in the mood to explain it to him at the time. He would've tried his best, I'm sure of it. I still would've know, deep down, no matter how much he tried to hide it, he would have thought I was pathetic. I just didn't want to deal with that. Things were bad enough."

“Do you ever still feel like that? Like you felt back then?” asked Remus, hating himself for the part of him that wanted James to say yes. To tell him they were the same.

“No,” said James, almost apologetically. “After a while the fog cleared. I got better at letting the thoughts go and the worst of it just sort of resolved itself. Still scared shitless literally all the time, but when my brain starts to freak out too much I just breath and picture Lily and Harry in my mind and it passes.” A beat. “So, how about you? Do you still feel like that?”

“I really don’t want to think about it,” Remus said very softly, starting to feel a little numb in his extremities. Like he was floating just a tiny bit outside of his body.

“Yeah, see that’s what I’m worried about. I’m not going to pretend to really get this whole thing you’ve got going on with your addiction,” he said, not quite able to hide his discomfort at the word. “Being numb was half the problem for me, I can’t imagine how numbing yourself more could possibly help. But you’ve obviously been doing everything in your power not to have to think. Or feel. I guess I’m a little concerned about what might happen now that you're not...” James twirled his hand a little in the air, as if he was trying to call forth a tactful euphemism.

"Burying my feelings under a fuckton of booze and narcotics?" Remus supplied.

"Yeah. That."

Remus sipped at his drink. It was bitter. James never did master how to properly brew tea. He put the cup back down.

“Nothing’s going to happen. I wouldn’t do that to you. To any of you. Last time- I wasn’t in control. I don’t even remember most of it, and I’m clean now. It’s not a problem,” he assured James, hoping to never have this conversation again. With anyone.

“You didn’t answer my question,” said James worriedly.

“What?”

“I asked if you still feel like you might want to. You didn’t answer the question.”

“I…” Remus mulled it over, trying to find a way out but realizing James was not letting this one go. “Sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

"Not now. Right now, if there were heroin in this room, I wouldn’t hesitate for even a second to take it. I really mean that. I'd do it right in front of you. This whole thing we're doing right now, this conversation? The only reason I can even handle this is because I half checked out of reality the second you brought the topic up. I'm not going to pretend I'm having a great time. But I don’t want to hurt myself, Prongs, I want to learn how to live with myself,” he said honestly. “At least that’s how I feel today. It’s so all over the place right now, I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to feel tomorrow.”

James furrowed his brow. He was glad Remus was talking to him, even if he did just say some pretty concerning things. It was the biggest change since he’d decided to get clean. In just a couple of weeks, he’d probably been more open and talkative about his problems than in the last couple of years combined. It might have taken extreme circumstances, but now that it was all out in the open, he didn't seem inclined to start hiding again.

“Alright. Fair enough.” 

After a second James stood up and walked over to a cupboard. He opened it up and rummaged around for a while. When he returned, he placed a game of Wizards Chess on the table. 

“Don’t you want to get back to bed?” asked Remus.

“Nah. Not like I have to be up for work anymore.”

Remus nodded as he reached forward to start setting the board.


	30. Small Comforts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius returns from his mission. Remus offers some comfort.

Remus was lounging on the couch, book in hand and favorite record playing softly in the background, when he heard the crack in the hall. It had been a good day, all things considered. The shakiness and the fatigue were finally starting to go away. It’s not until the symptoms began improving that he even realized just how sick being strung out had been making him on a day to day basis. He'd spent so long justifying his drug use by telling himself it helped with his pain that he hadn't been able to recognize how much damage it had been doing to his body. For the first time since getting clean, he was actually feeling like something in his life had improved.

He set down the book as Sirius came through the front door. A layer of the tension he was permanently carrying seemed to melt away a little. Sirius was home safe. 

The respite didn’t last long as the other man stormed through to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him without so much as acknowledging Remus. Whatever happened while he was on mission, it had evidently taken a toll.

Remus gave it a full two hours before he couldn’t stand it any longer. He hadn't managed to read even a single line from his book, just sitting anxiously and waiting for Sirius to reappear. Enough was enough. He needed to at least check in.

He knocked on the bedroom door, calling Sirius’ name gently. When there was no response, he opened the door and entered. He was almost surprised to see Sirius in his human form. It was quite common for him to come home from difficult cases and transform. It made it easier to handle somehow, or at least that's how he explained it to Remus.

Sirius was sat on the bed, on top of the covers. He hadn’t even bothered to take his rather dirty shoes off. He had his arms folded tightly across his chest. Even in his own bed he was stiff, radiating a sort of hostile nervousness. He glanced up at Remus as he sat himself down on the end of the bed. 

He looked angry, but Remus was glad to see it didn’t actually seem to be directed at him.

“I’ll leave you alone if you want, but please tell me if you're okay. Were you hurt? Was anyone else?” he asked softly.

When Sirius answered his tone was clipped and tense. “I’m fine. Nobody was hurt. Well, nobody we know.”

“Okay. Do you want me to go?”

Sirius didn’t say anything. Remus nodded and stood up, heading towards the door. He would try again at dinner, make sure he ate something. As he got to the door he stopped, hearing his name.

“You can stay,” Sirius said.

Remus turned around and headed back to the bed. Sirius scooched over a bit and he slid in next to him. He lay his head against Remus’ shoulder, loosening up just a little.

“Tell me how you’ve been,” he requested.

“You want the light version or the brutally honest version?” asked Remus.

Sirius hesitated for a moment. “Brutally honest, but if you actually started using again while I was away then I'd appreciate if you lie about it until tomorrow.”

“Alright. Well, not to ruin the suspense, but I didn’t. Still clean and sober. It wasn't easy though. First three nights you were gone I ended up on Prongs’ doorstep at ungodly hours because it was all I could do stop myself from acquiring and using all the narcotics available in London. As it turns out, I’m not very good at being left alone with my thoughts. Who knew?”

“Wow, you learn something new every day,” deadpanned Sirius.

As long as he'd known Remus he had needed something to distract him at all times. A lot of people didn't notice because it seemed harmless enough. Even positive. Throwing himself into study, always having a book in his hand, his obsession with music. Everyone thought he was such a great listener, and he was, but Sirius knew it was as much about his desire to focus on everyone else's problems but his own as it was about the other people. Not that Sirius was judging. A constant need for stimulation and distraction was something they shared. Unfortunately in both their cases it didn't always manifest in the healthiest ways.

“Yep. Well, Lily and James eventually suggested I just stay with them until you got back and stop ruining their sleep. It was a good idea and I didn’t do it because I’m a stubborn git and sort of went into crisis mode. I kept thinking if I couldn’t figure out how to stay clean without someone holding my hand immediately then I’d never be able to do it. I realize now that this was probably a little irrational. Still, I swore to myself I could get through a whole night alone without bothering anyone. You want to guess how that went?” he asked, glancing towards Sirius.

“Based on the context clues, I’m going to say not great,” said Sirius, the corner of his mouth twitching up in a half smile. He was starting to relax into Remus more as he spoke.

“Very perceptive, nice work. That Auror training has really fined tuned your powers of deduction. The next night, I ended up at Marley and Dory’s place. At least I managed to have my little breakdown before midnight, rather than wait until three in the morning. Still, turns out that when you're newly sober and you show up unannounced at people’s homes at weird hours in the middle of a panic attack, they sort of freak out,” he said mildly.

Sirius reached over to his hand, stroking his fingers across Remus' palm. “That sounds pretty unreasonable of them.”

“I thought so too. They were good about it once I calmed down and Dory did some diagnostic spells to confirm that I was only fucked up as a person rather than on drugs. Fair warning though, the next time you see any of our friends don’t be shocked if they express some concerns about me.”

“No offense Moony, but our friends have been expressing concern about you to me for quite a long time. I’m pretty used to it. It’s just a natural consequence of having a partner who is constantly doing concerning shit,” said Sirius honestly, though not unkindly.

Remus paused. He understood that Sirius was not being unfair, but it still upset him to think about people seeing him that way. Like he was a problem. He'd left out the part about how Dorcas had cried when he said in his panicked state that she'd been wrong, he'd never make it to old age. How his whole life felt like some failed experiment that would end the way it did for every other werewolf and he never really thought he'd make it past twenty in the first place. Marlene had to leave the room at that point. She'd seen him come far too close to that reality for comfort. He shook his head slightly, pushing those thoughts aside.

“The day after that I finally managed it. To get through a whole night. It was miserable, but once I got over that block, proved to myself I could actually do it, the next few nights got easier. Now here we are."

"Here we are," Sirius echoed quietly. "Doesn't sound like you had a much better time than me, but at least we both got out the other side, I suppose."

"We always do."

"So what next?" asked Sirius tiredly.

"I’ve actually started looking into volunteering. I can’t keep a job with how erratic the Order work is on top of all the other stuff, but I need something to do with my time. Something meaningful, to stop myself going completely mad.”

Sirius perked up a little at that. “Sounds like a great idea. What are you thinking?”

“There’s a soup kitchen not far from here. I was going to go take a look tomorrow, actually,” he said feeling a genuine hint of hopefulness.

Maybe, if he could just do something with his time that mattered, he could stop thinking about getting high every fucking second of every fucking day. Sirius nodded approvingly.

“That’s good. Sounds like you managed to finish a shitty week on a high note. No pun intended.” A beat. "You won't be cooking the food yourself, right?"

"I don't think so. The goal is to help people, not torture them," Remus joked.

Sirius hesitated a moment, tensing back up a little. “I can’t wait until tomorrow. Tell me now. Did you really get through those rough spots or did you take something? I won't be angry, I just need to know,” he said.

“I wasn’t having you on, Pads. I didn’t slip up. It was so fucking close but I’m here, I’m clean, It’s okay,” he said, stroking a hand through Sirius’ hair. He felt Sirius breath a sigh of relief against his shoulder. “If you really don’t want to wait, there is one thing I should probably tell you,” said Remus a little guiltily.

Sirius sat bolt upright, turning to face him. “What?” he asked harshly.

“I’ve been smoking,” said Remus apologetically. “Just regular tobacco. Turns out the easiest way to deal with cravings is to just… indulge them. This seemed like the least destructive way to do that. It helps. I’m sorry, I know you hate it.”

Sirius groaned in frustration. For a moment Remus braced himself for a fight, but Sirius just flopped back down beside him and returned his head to his shoulder.

“Fine. I reserve the right to bitch about it but at least you’re not doing heroin, I guess,” he huffed.

Remus laughed, caught off guard. “Really? That’s a pretty low bar to clear. Maybe there are some advantages to being a junkie fuckup if ‘not doing heroin’ is enough to placate you,” he joked.

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling yourself that? Also, I really wouldn’t test that theory if I were you,” said Sirius sternly.

Remus laughed again lightly. He kissed the top of Sirius' head, a silent promise that he was doing his best. They were both doing their best.

“So, do you want to talk about the mission?” asked Remus softly.

Sirius was quite for a while before lifting his head to look up at Remus. He reached up and put one hand around the back of his neck, pulling him around until Remus was on top of him, one leg strung over either side of his hips. Sirius lifted his head slightly and whispered into his ear.

“I want you to fuck me.”

Remus leaned down and kissed him deeply. He certainly didn’t need to be asked twice.


	31. Love and Duty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius disagree on the path forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all having a nice day :)

“How can you even consider it? After everything that’s happened!” shouted Sirius.

“What alternative do you propose?” asked Remus evenly.

“You tell him no! That’s what I fucking propose! It’s too soon,” insisted Sirius.

“The work I’m doing is more important now than it ever has been. Greyback is gaining followers at an alarming rate since Oliver’s death and we may have finally found someone who can help fight it. My personal problems are not more important than this and you know it,” explained Remus.

Remus stood firmly, arms folded. Sirius paced back and forth in front of him like an animal in a cage. Remus knew he was only acting out in fear, but it was getting increasingly difficult to hide his exasperation. They had been going in circles for what felt like ages and Sirius was refusing to see reason.

“You’ve said it yourself, those places are full of drugs! It’s only been a month and you can barely cope with these missions under the best of circumstances,” said Sirius, stopping his pacing and taking a step towards Remus. "Your last transformation was brutal, what if it's like that again?"

The stress and anxiety of being newly clean, on top of the lingering physical weakness from his withdrawal had made for a difficult time. He'd expected as much, but he'd hoped having Sirius with him would help mitigate the damage. It hadn't. Things had been more difficult since James stopped being able to join them. Without both him and Sirius to help keep him under control, it just wasn't safe to go out into open spaces for his transformations. Not that it was ever really safe. With the loss of his dad's property on top of that, it left them with limited options. They'd found a small abandoned warehouse out in the sticks a while back and warded it to hell. They didn't feel it was safe enough for Peter to come along without James, as his animagus form was unable to defend against the wolf. Still, usually having Padfoot with him helped at least a bit.

Usually pumping himself full of chemicals before hand also helped. Sirius wasn't wrong. The last transformation had been brutal. Sirius hadn't been able to stay with him the whole night. It had gotten too dangerous, even for him. Remus had woken up the next day with multiple new cuts, the worst of which left him with a heavily bleeding wound across his stomach. Thankfully Sirius was a good hand at healing deep wounds. James and Peter were too. They'd all had practice over the years.

"It won't be like that there. The transformations in the packs... they're easier. I'm not alone, or confined. You don't have to worry about that," Remus explained. It was true. In fact, though he'd never say so to Sirius, he'd actually come to prefer spending the full moon that way. Every single second he was in those places he wanted to be somewhere else, but once they were transformed it was different. They were all in it together, one way or another.

Sirius started pacing again. Remus had a counter for every argument he made and it was driving him fucking insane. How did he not understand? How could he not see what he was risking?

“I've just got you back, Remus. Things can't go back to how they were. This is what started this whole fucking thing. You were fine until you started going on these missions and then everything spiraled out from there!”

For a moment Remus was taken aback, then he huffed out a bitter laugh. Sirius stopped in his tracks, shooting him an indignant glare. 

“Care to let me in on the joke?” he spat.

“That’s not when it started, Sirius, that’s just when it stopped being fun for you,” Remus said flatly.

It was Sirius’ turn to look taken aback. “Funny, I don’t recall you spacing out, having panic attacks, doing _heroin_ or, I don’t know, nearly fucking _dying of an overdose_ before you started going to the packs,” Sirius accused.

“Yeah, exactly,” said Remus, the first sign of hostility starting to make its way into his voice since they started this endless back and forth. “What you remember is us going out to party together. Me getting you all free drinks at work. Having a laugh when Marley and I went on a coke bender and came back with funny stories, or joking about how much you envied me when I started my day with a joint while you went to work. What the fuck did you think I was doing with my time while you were all out having careers? I was getting drunk off my ass on a daily fucking basis but it was all fine because I could plaster on a smile and keep my calm and be there to comfort the rest of you when things went to shit. I wasn’t fine before the missions. They didn’t make me an addict, they just made me harder for you to deal with.”

Sirius stared, mouth opening and closing as he tried to come up with a response. Remus could see the anger still bubbling away in him even as he tried to process this revelation. It was almost amusing watching him battle between his recent determination to be a more empathetic partner and his obvious desire to keep fighting. He could hardly blame him for struggling. Remus had been coming to grips with the reality of how far back his issues went for a while now and he was only just starting to accept it himself.

“Well, sorry,” Sirius finally sputtered out. “I should’ve- I didn’t mean to- fuck! That is way too much for me to sort through on the spot and we can have a longer conversation about it later, but it’s not the point right now!”

Remus groaned in frustration. “I don’t want to have a longer conversation, Sirius, I don’t even want to be having _this_ conversation.”

He took a deep, calming breath. He stepped forward, covering the ground in between him and Sirius. He softened his gaze as he looked into Sirius’ eyes. Sirius seemed to calm down a little too.

"I know you just want me to be safe. Do you think I don't have the same fear every time you leave for a mission? Fuck, every time you leave for work, even. I can handle myself," he said as he reached up to put a hand on Sirius' cheek, wrapping the other one around his waist and pulling him in close.

"It's different now," protested Sirius even as he felt himself heating up against his partners touch.

“Let’s just not worry about this right now,” said Remus softly.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, his energy from the argument starting to redirect itself. He put his hand on the small of Remus’ back. Remus tilted his head, leaning down slightly to catch Sirius’ lips with his own. Things were heating up quickly. 

Remus was just starting to guide them in the direction of the couch when Sirius pulled away suddenly, pushing Remus back.

“No! Not happening, not this time,” he exclaimed, panting slightly. 

“What?” asked Remus innocently. 

“Don’t do that. We’re having this conversation, you can’t just shut me up,” declared Sirius.

“Nobody can, Pads. Many have tried and failed,” Remus teased.

Sirius glowered at him. Before he’d just been upset at the situation, but now Remus was starting to piss him off personally. He couldn’t just decide they were done talking and shag Sirius into silence. Sure, most of the time it worked. He was upsettingly good at it, but there were some things that were too important for Sirius not to stand his ground.

“Stop it. Stop downplaying this or acting like I’m being unreasonable just because it’s Order business. You’re not okay. It’s too big a risk. Tell me honestly, do you really think you can spend weeks in that environment and not relapse?” he asked.

Remus’ face remained impassive even as his insides twisted with shame. It’s not as if he wanted to go. It’s not like he was choosing this. The orders had come in and the work needed to be done. He was the only one who could do it and after everything, after all the mistakes he’d made, the last thing Remus could stand to be was useless. If he couldn’t even do the one thing in his life that made a real difference to the war, to protecting the people he loved, then what the fuck was the point of being sober, anyway?

“The mission comes first, Sirius. You know this. If you were in my position you would make the exact same choice.”

"I wouldn't be in your position because I'm not a drug addict," he said dismissively. He immediately regret his words as he saw the look of hurt that passed across Remus' face before being swiftly masked. "Fuck, I didn't mean that like it sounded," he tried to explain.

"It doesn't matter. This is how it has to be. I'm going." 

Sirius stared him down. He was running it all over in his head, trying to think of any way out. He looked Remus up and down, realizing that nothing he could say was going to make him budge.

“We’ll see about that,” he said eventually.

Sirius turned away, heading into the bedroom and grabbing his jacket. When he came back out, he started putting on his chunky black boots.

“I’m going for a ride,” he said. “I need to think.”

Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius didn’t seem angry anymore, but he still had an air of determination about him. Remus had no doubt that when he came back they’d be rehashing the entire conversation. Maybe he'd be in a better mood then. Taking a spin on the motorbike he and Lyall had worked on together always seemed to calm Sirius down a bit.

Sirius walked up and kissed him quickly and uttered a goodbye before heading out the door. Remus responded in kind.

When he was alone, Remus went over to the record player, selecting an album and turning the volume up high. He made his way out to the terrace and sat down, retrieving his pack of smokes and lighter along the way. He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, focusing on the sound of the music. He only had a couple of days before he shipped out. He hoped that Sirius would get used to the idea sooner rather than later. He was terrified of facing a mission without chemical aid. He honestly had no idea if he could make it through without using, but the mission was too important not to risk it. He didn’t need Sirius’ stress on top of the rest of it.

Sirius, though, was not willing to compromise. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something awful was going to happen. That Remus would relapse. That he’d get into some situation that he couldn’t get out of. He’d overdose, or get caught up in a fight, or one of the million things that could go wrong and stop him from coming home. Or he would come home but this time he wouldn’t be able to stay clean and their relationship would fall apart again. He was finally starting to seem stable, a little more like his old self. 

There was a spy in the Order and it seemed like every other day he was seeing some horrible new atrocity or they were getting word of some new friend or acquaintance who was never going to get to see the end of the war and that wasn’t going to be him and Remus. It wasn’t. They were getting out the other side of the war together one way or another.

It was this that was running through Sirius’ head as he sat in Dumbledore’s office at Hogwarts, meeting the headmasters piercing blue gaze with all the determination he could muster.

“You can’t send him back,” Sirius said. “There’s things you don’t know.”


	32. The More Things Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus learns what Sirius has done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, after this story, I think I'm going to write some total, complete fluff. I have little control over what these characters do, I merely write it down after the fact. It hurts me as much as it hurts you, trust me. Though all things considered, there's some pretty nice stuff in this chapter too. I just wish Remus and Sirius could get their shit together.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and for commenting! <3

Remus arrived home in fairly high spirits. Sirius hadn’t returned from his ride before he had his shift at the soup kitchen, which he was honestly thankful for. The last thing he wanted was to get into another argument then have to walk out in the middle of it.

He’d been enjoying his time volunteering. It had only been a couple of shifts, but it was helping him stay focused. There were a lot of people who came in going through hard times, and he enjoyed being able to provide them with a friendly ear as much as the more material comforts they offered. He’d spent a good portion of the last two years living in tents or trailers himself thanks to his missions, and he knew what it meant to be poor. Hell, there had been times in his childhood, when they were moving around a lot (still hopeful for a cure that didn't exist) before finally settling in the north, where his family had been not far off the situation a lot of these folks were in.

A lot of the folks coming through seemed to be able to sense that. After all, he did have the look of someone who had lived rough, unlike a lot of the other volunteers. The others were genuinely lovely people for the most part, but the younger ones tended to be middle class uni students looking to do a little good in their free time. 

As a result, the clientele were a bit quicker to trust him. They would swap stories (with Remus heavily obfuscating some of the key details of his own) and get into some interesting conversations. At times they'd landed on the topic of addiction. There were more than a few people who came through that were struggling with drugs and alcohol, and some of them were very candid about this fact. If they were honest with him, then Remus was honest back to the best of his ability. In the beginning he had expected this might be an issue for him, being exposed to that sort of stuff. It actually turned out to be somewhat cathartic. The couple of people he had disclosed his addiction to had been incredibly encouraging about his efforts to stay clean, even if they themselves were unable to do so.

It felt good to talk about it with people who understood. People who didn’t know him. Who weren’t invested in his success or failure. It was different to that support group meeting that he had hated so much. Informal, friendly, no feeling like he was exposing himself to an audience.

After getting word about the mission and the unpleasant business with Sirius that followed, it had definitely helped clear his head. 

When he walked into the flat he saw Sirius sitting at the kitchen table. His good mood was instantly dashed at the look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” he asked before he’d even finished closing the door.

Sirius didn’t answer right away. He didn’t seem angry or frustrated like he had earlier. He seemed… guilty. This did not sit well with Remus. Not at all.

“Can you sit down, please?” asked Sirius.

“Tell me what’s going on,” said Remus, feeling very much like he’d done something wrong even though he couldn’t point to what it was.

When Remus didn’t sit down, Sirius stood up. He walked towards Remus and leaned against the kitchen bench slightly, attempting to be nonchalant. It didn’t work.

“I have a message for you. From Dumbledore,” said Sirius.

“What is it? What’s happened?” asked Remus urgently. 

“You need to see him. Tomorrow. He wants to speak with you,” said Sirius cagily.

Remus shot him a look of confusion. “He just wants to speak with me? Why is this message coming through you? Why are you being so weird right now?”

Sirius tapped his fingers against his thigh absently. He looked down, avoiding Remus’ eyes. He didn't seem to have an answer he was willing to give. Remus’s gaze hardened as the realization washed over him. He took a step back from Sirius, folding his arms across his chest.

“You went to see him," Remus accused, to which Sirius offered no denial. "What did you say?” Remus asked with a cool, deadly calm.

“Nothing that wasn’t true,” responded Sirius, trying and failing to sound confident.

He had been so full of righteous energy when he went to Dumbledore. So determined that he was doing the right thing. As soon as he left Hogwarts, his certainty had rapidly faded. Dumbledore had given no indication of what course of action he was going to take. He had simply asked Sirius to pass on the message and refused to elaborate on his plans further.

As Remus stared him down, jaw set, fists clenched tight in cold fury, he couldn’t blame him. If Remus had done something like this to Sirius, such a blatant violation of his privacy, such an unambiguous display of doubt, he would not forgive easily. It wouldn’t matter how much it had been borne of love or concern.

Sirius was used to Remus being irritable. Pissy, even. But this? This kind of silent rage? This was not something he had seen from his partner in a long time. He didn’t yell like Sirius did. He was alarmingly composed.

"Is this really what you think of me? That I'm so fragile, so incompetent. Maybe next time I see Moody I should have a chat with him. I'm willing to bet there's a few things I could tell him that would have him rethinking your suitability for field work."

Sirius blanched. He couldn't tell if Remus meant it. "You wouldn't," he said uncertainly. Sirius had not been without his difficulties. There were things that would not be good for him if Moody were to find out.

"No," Remus said firmly. "I wouldn't."

A beat. Sirius was trying to muster up a retort, but Remus turned away. He started walking towards the fireplace. Sirius called out to him, taking a few large strides and grabbing hold of his upper arm to stop him from leaving.

"Remus, stop. We can figure this out," Sirius insisted.

Remus yanked his arm out of Sirius' grip. "You know, I’ve really believed that it's all been me. That I’ve been the one fucking things up for us. That every time you’ve treated me like shit it’s been no more than I deserved,” said Remus evenly.

Sirius just stared back, shaking his head slightly, lost for words. 

"I want you to be safe," he said weakly.

"It's a war. None of us are safe. If you knew me at all, you would never try to force me onto the sidelines while everyone I love is at risk."

Remus moved abruptly, disengaging as he turned towards the fireplace. He grabbed a handful of flu powder, not even looking back. Sirius didn’t try to stop him.

For a moment Remus considered going to James and Lily’s. It was his first instinct, but even in his current state, the thought still crossed his mind that Sirius would probably want to go to James. He didn't want to cut him off from that option. He was a little pissed off at himself for even thinking about it. Why the fuck was he thinking about what Sirius needed after what he’d done?

He spoke the address for Marlene and Dorcas’ and stepped into the green flames.

When he emerged into the girls living room, Marlene was standing in front of the fireplace, arms folded, a look of worry on her face. Remus immediately raised his hands in a defensive, calming gesture.

“I’m fine. Everything is fine. There’s no crisis,” he assured her, somehow managing to inject a hint of warmth into his voice that was icy only moments ago.

She looked him up and down a moment before unfolding her arms. “I was just reheating pizza. You want some?”

He nodded, taking a calming breath and dismissing all thoughts of Sirius from his mind as best he could. He felt a little numb as he pushed the anger down. There was no point dwelling until he saw Dumbledore. Until he knew what the consequences of this would be.

“Is Dory around?” he asked, making his way to one of the kitschy floral armchairs.

Marlene shook her head. “Double shift. They’re running her ragged at that stupid hospital, it’s ridiculous,” said Marlene indignantly. Remus had heard this rant before.

“You mind if I crash here tonight?” asked Remus casually.

Marlene folded her arms again. She sat down on the armchair opposite him, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

“Something’s wrong,” she declared. “I thought Sirius was home at the moment. You’re not all freaked out, I guess, but you’re trying way too hard to act normal.”

Remus sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. “We just had a fight. It’s fine, really. You know how things get with us sometimes.”

“What about?” she asked, narrowing her eyes further. 

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Did you relapse?” she asked with her characteristic bluntness.

“Fucking hell Marley, no, I didn’t. Can everyone please stop asking me that every time they fucking see me?” he snapped.

She stared a moment longer, assessing him, totally unfazed by the outburst. Apparently she got what she needed, because all at once the attitude dropped and she smiled brightly.

“Alright, fair enough,” she chirped as she hopped up to go tend to the pizza.

They spent the night exchanging quips and idle chatter as Marlene worked on casework for her family’s firm. She was juggling that and a number of assignments coming up for her studies. Remus happily helped her out, sifting through her many books and compiling research. He wasn’t educated in the field, but he was always a very quick study and his contributions proved useful. 

As the night progressed, his sense of dread over the impending meeting with Dumbledore only grew. Every time a thought of him or Sirius crossed his mind, Remus steeled himself against it. He was certain Marlene was aware all was not well, but she didn’t say anything. 

She did however look on with extreme envy every time Remus excused himself for a smoke break.

“It’s not fair,” she said after the third one. “You try living with a healer and being a smoker. It’s a nightmare but fuck do I miss it. You can’t taunt me like this, Remi.”

“Well, I’m not offering you any so you can just keep the longing looks to yourself. The last thing I need is to get on Dory’s bad side,” he said.

Marlene sat back and looked down at her pile of books and papers. She looked back up at Remus.

“Do you remember that time we went to that weird little dive out in Notting Hill and everyone in the building was just like, next level off their tits. We were on a shitload of coke and just, like, doing lines right at the bar and nobody cared,” she reminisced thoughtfully.

“The place with that bizarre mural of the naked nuns?” She nodded. “Yeah, hard to forget. Nobody else wanted to come out with us because the bar was too trashy. Wusses, the lot of them,” he said with a small smile.

“There was that skeevy guy working the bar who offered to give us something that would make our night 'truly transcendent,' but the catch was he would put it in our drinks and wouldn’t tell us what it was. So we agreed, because apparently we were literally the stupidest, most self-destructive people on the planet and also, you know, cocaine brain. Then when it was nearly an hour later and we weren’t feeling anything we decided he’d just fucked us over and left.”

Remus nodded again, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hand. He looked up, sifting through the memories. 

“That’s right, then it started to kick in on the way to the tube and we ended up in that random fucking park. I don’t even remember where. I’m almost certain he spiked us with acid, by the way. We never did hash that out, but I’m pretty sure that’s what that was,” he said, looking towards her.

“I know. I made a friend later who was super into that stuff and it all clicked into place,” she said with a laugh. “So anyway, we’re in the park, and everything is getting weird and you just keep feeling the grass and going on and on about how you never noticed before that the moon is actually beautiful and blah blah blah I’m a werewolf existential musings,” she said flippantly.

“Hey,” he responded indignantly. “I was just having a good time. You’re the one who started crying and telling me you had some deep, secret fear you desperately needed to reveal to me,” he teased.

“That’s what I was getting to, yeah. I never did end up telling you what was going through my head because when I told you I had something deeply personal to confess you said, and I quote because I will remember these words until my dying day, ‘I just don’t think we have that kind of relationship,’ and then just started talking about the moon again while I kept crying right next to you.”

Remus looked stunned. “Did I really say that?” She nodded emphatically. They held eye contact for a moment before they both burst out laughing. It took nearly a full minute before they managed to recover enough to talk.

“I am so sorry,” Remus said, still catching his breath. “What a horrible thing for me to say,” he said without a hint of remorse.

“I mean you weren’t wrong. We didn’t talk about real shit back then, it’s the whole reason I hung out with you so much,” she said with a hand wave. “Do you want to know now? Do you want to know what I was going to say to you, what had me so upset?” she asked, taking on a serious tone.

Remus nodded, preparing himself for the potentially painful turn the conversation was about to take.

“I’m allergic to cats. See, Dory quite likes cats, but I didn’t want to have to take medication or potions or whatever every day which in retrospect is a little ironic given my willingness to take literally anything else at the time. I got it in my head that night that my unwillingness to compromise on the cat issue would eventually end our relationship.”

Marlene managed to maintain a completely straight face even as Remus devolved into another fit of laughter. When he eventually recovered, he looked over at Marlene fondly.

“I probably shouldn’t be reminiscing about this shit,” he said quietly. “I try to remind myself of all the ways it was terrible. Especially by the end. I want it so much. All the time. It’s that much harder when I remember the times it was good. But it _was_ good. I wouldn’t have kept going if it wasn’t.”

She smiled, but after a moment it turned a little sad.

“Yeah. But we also missed a lot of other good stuff. Like this. We didn’t have that kind of relationship then, but we do now. We’re the kind of people who spend a night in, working our asses off. Occasionally we even talk about things that matter. Things that we feel. It's gross. I don’t want to go back.”

“No,” Remus agreed. “Nor do I.”

They continued their work for another hour or so before finally calling it a night. As he lay alone on the couch, thoughts of Sirius crept back into his head. Of his impending meeting with Dumbledore. His relationship with Marlene was not the only one that had changed over the years. Back then he would have never imagined Sirius would go behind his back like that. A day ago he wouldn’t have believed it possible.

Some changes were for the better. Not all of them.


	33. How to Hide Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Dumbledore discuss the consequences of Sirius' actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was only supposed to be 10,000 words. I have now written over 80,000 words. This is by far the longest story I have ever written, for anything, and I'm not even done. Thank you all for sticking with me this far.

Remus wondered if he would ever be able to see Dumbledore without feeling instantly like a child again. He wondered if the others felt like that too. What about Kingsley, Frank and Alice, even Moody? Did Dumbledore have the power to reduce them all to fifteen years old in an instant in the way he could so easily do with Remus?

He sat straight and tall, meeting the headmasters gaze straight on. Inside he was small.

“You were remarkably convincing the last time we spoke of this matter, which makes it difficult for me to proceed based only on your word,” said Dumbledore, and somehow it sounded like a compliment. Like he was impressed at Remus’ ability to fool him.

He supposed that was probably warranted. After all, he wouldn’t have been suitable for these missions at all if he wasn’t a proficient liar.

“I understand your concern, Professor, however circumstances are different than the last time we spoke about this. I wasn’t ready to admit to the problem then. I am now. I’m working on it. Have Madam Pomfrey run whatever test she likes and you’ll see,” he explained diplomatically.

“That is good news indeed. Still, be that as it may, Sirius was clearly under the impression that these missions are putting undue pressure on you,” said Dumbledore gently.

He wasn’t offering the details of what Sirius had actually told him. Remus knew he wouldn’t, even if he asked. Dumbledore was watching him, waiting to see what he would admit to on his own, hoping he would fill in whatever gaps Sirius had left unwittingly. Remus had seen him do it with other people before. He's done it with Remus before. He knew that people felt compelled to justify themselves to him, but Remus wasn't going to do that this time. 

How much had Sirius actually said? Did he know about the incident with the pills and the roof? Just how pathetic had he made him sound? If he wanted anything out of Remus, he’d have to force it out of him.

“Sirius has his reasons for worrying. I won’t pretend I’ve been an easy person to live with, but he’s also stressed. Paranoid. He sees horrible things in his work, and everyone is on edge because of the spy. If you think I’m not fit for the mission, that’s your call to make. I only suggest that Sirius, whilst well meaning, is not offering the most objective judgement on the matter,” said Remus calmly.

Dumbledore pressed his fingertips together, leaning back slightly. 

“You and Sirius are both so young, in a situation that nobody should ever find themselves in. It’s only natural that you would have your difficulties. However, I think you understand how vital it is that your work remains secret. You are unprotected when you are in the field. Even I do not have sway in those communities,” said Dumbledore seriously. “It concerns me greatly that Sirius is attempting to interfere. He has been known to be stubborn,” he said with a hint of affection. “If he cannot convince me to agree to his wishes, then it is not outside the realm of possibility that he will turn to your friends to find alternative methods of intervention. The more people know, the more exposed you will be.”

Remus put his hands in his pockets, furrowing his brow. Dumbledore was right. Sirius could do something reckless. He trusted all of his friends implicitly, but there was no room to work around their interference.

“I can’t talk to him about this anymore. I have to stop telling him when I’m leaving or where I’m going,” said Remus heavily.

He found that to be a very dark thought. He’d only just come to a point where he truly had nothing left to hide from Sirius. He didn’t want to take a step back. Fuck him. Fuck him for putting him in this position.

“I think that would be for the best,” Dumbledore agreed. “You will still be going forward with this mission. I do want to be clear, this is not a decision I have come to lightly. This work is vital and you alone are capable of doing it." Remus felt a prideful glow. He alone could do it. "Nevertheless, if at any point I come to feel that the risk you pose to yourself is too great, I will not hesitate to pull you out,” he finished with a piercing look.

Remus didn’t say anything, just nodded. The glow fizzled out in an instant. The risk he posed to himself. It seemed pathetic, to have to justify being allowed to do something that he hated so deeply, something that had hurt him so much. He needed it. He needed to be useful, to be able to do something, anything to protect the people he loved. To have his condition be an attribute for once.

He needed to be more than the addict. The fuckup. Apparently that's all he was to Sirius now. Not even good enough to for the fucking war.

Dumbledore went on to explain the details of his new procedure. He would be seeing Madam Pomfrey before he left, to run those tests he had suggested. He would be seeing her immediately after completing the mission for the same reason. There would be no more taking him at his word that he wasn’t using. He was less than excited about this humiliating process.

There would be no more discussion of his missions with Sirius. He would not give any warning before leaving. He would simply go. The best he could offer was a note so that Sirius knew he hadn’t gone missing. He would not say for how long he was going, or to where. He would not discuss it after the fact. There was no going back on Sirius knowing about the missions altogether, but after demonstrating his willingness to meddle in something so important, Sirius could not be trusted not to interfere.

“There is one more thing before you go,” said Dumbledore. Remus responded with an inquisitive stare, very much ready for the conversation to be over. “I was hoping you would speak with Simon.”

“Has he gotten himself into more trouble?” asked Remus, trying to hide his discomfort. He hadn’t seen or heard from Simon since the disastrous end to their meeting in The Three Broomsticks. 

“Nothing of the sort. He has seen a remarkable improvement in his behavior and is currently flourishing, dare I say. Whatever you said to him on your last visit seemed to have had an impact. He was, however, asking after you the last time we spoke,” explained Dumbledore.

It seemed Dumbledore had anticipated a yes, as he informed Remus that Simon was expecting him.

He found him on the grounds, down by the lakeside. The weather had been getting warmer and it was a lovely day. Remus thought of simpler times, sitting in the sun by the waterside with his friends. Sirius and James throwing increasingly large objects into the lake, trying to get a rise out of the squid. Laying in the soft grass, Sirius enjoying the jealous looks from the nearby girls as he kissed him.

Simon glanced up nervously as Remus walked over and sat beside him. He seemed bashful. Guilty. Very unlike what Remus had come to know from him.

“It’s good to see you, Simon,” said Remus warmly.

He’d been anxious as soon as Dumbledore had mentioned his name. They had parted so poorly the last time. Simon’s words had been floating around his head ever since, a stark judgment of his lacking character.

Then he saw him. Then he saw him sitting there, picking at the grass, shoes and socks discarded off to his side. He saw him and remembered that he was just a kid. A kid who’d been through too much and managed to come out of it as a smart, decent, strong-willed individual who got upset and said some harsh words. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so anxious anymore. 

“Is it? I figured you’d want to punch me for being such a prick last time we talked,” said Simon with an awkward laugh.

“Oh yeah, coming to schools to beat up minors is a favorite hobby of mine,” Remus joked.

Simon seemed to ease up a little at Remus’ good humor. He’d obviously been expecting things to be much more uncomfortable. Remus was glad to see him relax, though the sheepish demeanor didn’t go away completely.

“Look, I’m- I wanted to apologize,” Simon said, rubbing at the nape of his neck. “I shouldn’t have said all that stuff.”

“Thank you." A beat. "You were right. Everything you said was accurate,” admitted Remus matter-of-factly.

“Oh,” said Simon, taken aback by the admission. “Well, you too. I’m starting to figure it all out a bit more, how things work here. You were right, I don’t want to live like my parents, or like I did in the packs.”

Remus nodded. “I’m glad to hear that.”

They enjoyed a short silence, the sun warm upon Remus’ face. Simon looked back over to him, squinting a little against the light.

“Are you still- I mean it’s fine, I don’t care what you do, but you seem… better,” said Simon.

“I am,” said Remus with a small smile. “I’ve been clean about a month. Still early days but, you know, I don’t want to live like that anymore either.”

“Cool,” said Simon approvingly. “That’s cool, man, good for you.”

“Thanks. So how did it go with your sister?”

Simon beamed at that, sitting up straighter. He was buzzing with excitement all of a sudden.

“I’ll be moving in as soon as we hit summer break. We had the whole talk and she was pretty freaked out, but she got over it. I mean not right away. It took her a couple of weeks and honestly she's still a little weird about it, but she's on board. She said she was just happy to finally have family that didn’t suck.”

“That’s great,” he said sincerely.

“Hey,” Simon started, rubbing at the back of his neck again. “So I’ve actually been wanting to ask you something. If you don’t mind.”

“Whatever you want,” he said with some concern.

“It’s about your scars. When you were in school, how did you stop other kids asking about them? What did you tell them?”

Remus looked at him a little sadly. “You have some new scars, Simon?” he asked gently.

Simon nodded. He rolled up one sleeve revealing a long slash down the back of his arm. He pulled down his shirt collar, showing one across his chest just bellow his collarbone. He pushed his sleeves down again and straightened out his shirt.

“It’s that fucking shack, it makes the wolf crazy. It’s not like it was out in the woods,” he said, falsely casual. 

Remus felt his stomach turn at the mention of the shack. He’d give anything in the world not to ever have to step foot in there again. It broke his heart to picture Simon in that place.

“Well, it was a little different for me. I already had so many scars before I came here, so if I wore clothes that kept me covered most of the time, the other kids didn’t really notice when I got more. I told everyone I’d been in an accident as a child,” he explained. “There were a few times it became an issue. When I did this,” he pointed at the largest scar on his face, “it was the middle of the school term. I told everyone that I got fucked up by the Whomping Willow because I thought I could outrun it and get to the middle. The trick is to say something that makes you sound stupid enough that nobody would believe you’re making it up.”

“That’s probably better than what I’ve been doing. One of the guys in my dorm saw a couple of the ones on my arm and I just told him to get fucked and mind his own business. I’m pretty sure he thinks I did it to myself, which I guess is technically true, but like, on purpose. He’s been really, obnoxiously nice since then,” said Simon with an eyeroll.

Remus chuckled a little at that. “At least he cares.”

“I guess. We’re sort of friends now, actually. I’ve never really had proper friends.” Simon grimaced dramatically at that. “I sound so fucking lame, ‘oh poor little friendless weird kid with the weird family’ ugh. I’m fine, everything’s pretty good actually. It’s just strange.”

They continued to talk for a while longer. Simon seemed very relieved to have someone to discuss his concerns with. He had his sister now, but he was still just getting to know her. It was a bit cathartic for Remus, too. Before Simon he was the only lycanthrope to ever attend Hogwarts that he knew of. He’d never had someone in his life who understood that experience before. It was nice.

His good mood from seeing Simon was gone as soon as he stepped out of the Hogwarts gates. 

Remus went home. Sirius was still at work as he packed his backpack. Sirius had ruined it. He’d finally gotten to a point where he had nothing to hide from him. Where he could speak openly to at least one person in his life. He’d needed that. He needed it more than he could possibly say. Fuck Sirius. Fuck him for taking that away. For once again leaving him alone with this burden.

He left a note on the kitchen bench. ‘I’ll be back in a few weeks.’ Vague. Empty. The most he could offer.

Remus left before Sirius got home.


	34. The Commune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is on a new mission in a new pack, but this place does things a bit differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's getting close to the end of this part of the story and of the first war. Probably only a couple of chapters left. I've decided that I'm going to do the second half, which will be set during the timeline of the fifth book, as a second entry in a series. It's going to require a bunch of different tags and this is already so much longer than originally planned, so it makes sense. The next part will still be the same story, just the direct continuation after the time jump.
> 
> So just generally, knowing that this story is canon compliant for this part of the timeline, you can expect all of the obvious trigger warnings associated with that. Not so much for this chapter, but moving forward.
> 
> Remus and Sirius will get their happy ending eventually. I don't mind giving that spoiler because I would not expect anyone to stick around for what will eventually be more than 100,000 words across 2 stories just to see it end the way it did in the books. But it's not an easy road, so be prepared for that.

She wasn’t like Oliver. She didn’t have the commanding presence or the natural charisma or that take no shit attitude that came from a lifetime of adversity and having to fight.

She was thoughtful, intellectual. She could be firm when she needed, but her real strength was in her ability to make even the most stubborn and warped individuals see her perspective. Quietly persuasive and remarkably calm under pressure. Annabelle was not Oliver, but she was a strong leader with a vision for her community that she aimed to make reality. She was exactly the kind of person who could stand against Greyback's rhetoric.

She was also careful. She had a select few people that she trusted, and Remus was not one of them. After two weeks in the compound, he had not managed to have a single meaningful conversation with her. She was almost never alone. He’d been making some progress, friendly small talk at the group dinners, participating in the meetings just enough to make it clear that his views aligned with hers. Still, it was evident that this would take time.

This was not like any of the other packs he’d been to. Annabelle had been turned in her early twenties, after she had completed her education at Beauxbatons. She’d moved to Wales after inheriting some land from a relative, which is where her attack took place. That land now served as a sort of commune for lycanthropes. There were rules, structure. People stayed in huts and barracks as opposed to tents and trailers. They grew their own food, helped with chores. With Annabelle’s magical training and the aid of a few other wand carrying lycanthropes (a considerable rarity) they were able to create extensive wards. The land was highly secure, making for very low risk transformations.

It was a comparative utopia after the places he’d been. 

He did not feel comfortable there at all.

There wasn’t the same sort of substance abuse that he was so used to in these places, and for that he was grateful. It meant he at least stood a chance at staying clean. Annabelle didn't much seem to care what people did, but she loathed chaos. Speed and opiates had a tendency to breed chaos. They also couldn't be made on site, meaning they necessitated outside involvement. These were things that would not be tolerated in the commune. Any violation of the rules would result in banishment. At least, it would if you were stupid enough to make it a problem for Annabelle. There was plenty of weed and alcohol around, so unfortunately he still had to exert a great deal of self control to keep away from those. 

Everything felt out of whack. His usual undercover persona was not useful here. Whilst they did have plenty of people who first arrived in a rough state, hostility and violence were a fast way to get kicked out permanently. If Remus wanted to really fit in, really appeal to Annabelle and gain her as an ally, he was best served by being a little more like himself. Studied, reasonable, friendly. It made it so much harder to keep the separation that he had come to rely on to cope with the pressure of being undercover.

It was also boring. He kind of hated himself for feeling that, but he was so used to spending these missions constantly on edge and that feeling hadn’t gone away. He kept expecting some grand display of violence to disrupt the peace, but it never did, and he felt like he was losing his mind with the monotony. 

He needed to get high. He needed a drink. 

“What are you being all mopey about?” said a young man with short, bleached blonde hair as he sat down next to Remus by the garden.

“I’m not moping, I’m thinking. You should give it a try sometime, Andy, if you’re capable,” Remus teased.

“None of that for me thanks. Empty head, full heart, hot body, that’s my life philosophy,” said Andy in his relaxed Australian drawl, lying down and propping himself up on one arm to face Remus.

“Interesting idea, but I’ve tried the empty head thing and I’m not capable of achieving it through natural means,” Remus quipped.

“Oh, that's what you’re being so uptight about. You’re in one of your little woe is me sobriety moods,” said Andy with a knowing nod.

Remus had been determined to keep his issues under wraps on the mission. It was a vulnerability, and those were not good things to have. That plan had fallen apart quite quickly. It was routine for meals to be held in a barn like structure that served as the kitchen and dining area. Large group meals where the homebrewed alcohol tended to flow easily. Every night people would offer him a drink or several. Nobody bothered him when he said no, but with each passing night he was finding it harder and harder not to say yes. Eventually he snapped and confessed that he was in recovery just to get them to stop. It was clear by that point that nobody was likely to care, anyway. He wasn’t the only one. The nature of the commune meant that most of the people there were leaving behind some sort of troubled past, so Remus being newly clean right as he showed up made a fair bit of sense to the others.

Andy liked to tease him about it, but Remus noticed he also kept an eye on him when liquor and other substances were flowing. He seemed to have a strangely good sense for when he was struggling.

“Now I’m in one of my ‘woe is me this annoying guy keeps following me around like a puppy dog’ moods,” said Remus with a sideways glance.

“Now there’s a thought worth having. If I roll over, would you rub my belly?” he asked as he rolled onto his back, putting his hands behind his head.

It was such a painfully Sirius move that Remus was almost surprised when he didn’t actually turn into a dog afterwards.

“Down boy,” Remus countered as he stood up and headed back towards the barracks. He wasn’t important enough to warrant a private cabin.

“You can’t resist me forever!” Andy called out, still laying in the sun.

Remus kept walking. He liked Andy. For the most part he was nothing like Sirius. He was easy going, probably to a fault. Conflict just rolled off him and he didn’t much care about anything other than living day to day and enjoying his natural surroundings. Remus couldn't even imagine him in a fight. Every now and then, though, when he was turning on that flirty charm of his, he reminded Remus so much of how Sirius had been in school that he couldn’t help but ache a little. 

It made him miss Sirius terribly. It made him miss how they used to be together. He'd been trying not to think about Sirius when he could avoid it.

Andy had taken a shine to him from the moment he arrived. They were a similar age, similar humor. Mostly he figured Andy was just bored. He didn’t mean anything by the flirting. Besides, any and all distractions were welcome, even if he could get a little much at times. He knew when to back off, so it wasn’t too bad.

He made his way to the little makeshift dining hall. He was surprised when he found Annabelle sitting in there alone. In the weeks since he’d been there, this was the first time he'd been near her without her entourage around. 

She looked up from her food as he entered and smiled politely. He did the same. With all the time he had spent in filthy, violent places with the all the worst the world had to offer, somehow, he found it harder to approach Annabelle than he ever had any of the others. He'd been friendly with Oliver from day one. Even the ones he hated, the worst of the worst, he still knew how to talk to them. He wondered what that said about him.

She seemed put off when he sat at the table with her, giving him an inquiring look.

“Sorry to bother you,” he said. “I'm just a little bored and felt like talking, but I’ll leave you be if you prefer.”

She looked him up and down appraisingly. She was a striking woman. Thick dark hair, rich brown eyes, three scars that looked like claw marks that ran side by side down her right cheek. He felt as if she was picking him apart.

“You’re a very polite young man,” she said in her heavy French accent. “How 'ave you been finding your time 'ere?”

He paused for a moment, thinking. “I’ve spent a lot of time in different packs, moving around, trying to find somewhere I could stand to stay for more than a month. I’ve never found a place like this before. I can’t imagine how you make it all work,” he said, playing up his sense of awe, though he didn’t have to try too hard. She really had created something remarkable.

“Can’t you?” she asked with a quirk of her eyebrow. “You are very polite to me, but I see you with the others. Sometimes you’re a fighter. Sometimes you are a bit of a fool. I think you are very good at being whoever you need to be for whoever is right in front of you. I think you understand more than you want to show.”

He felt a chill run up his spine at the small, knowing smile that ghosted across her face. When he didn’t say anything, she continued.

“I am not so good at being anyone else, but I am very good at seeing the truth in others. It makes it easier to keep the peace, you understand? That is how I can ‘ave a place like this. Tell me, why do you pretend you do not ‘ave a wand?” she asked as if it were an intriguing little game to her.

He felt his heart rate rising and resisted the urge to reach for where he kept his wand hidden. The adrenaline was starting to come. Part of the wards they had around the compound were anti-dissapperation. If the time came where he needed to get out, it would be with a fight.

“Why would you think that?” he asked with a convincing calm.

“Most of the people here look with amazement and jealousy when they see me use my wand. You do not 'ave either of those things. You watch like someone who knows what they are looking at.”

He could tell in that moment that she was not fishing for him to confirm a suspicion. She was already certain. She just wanted to see how he responded.

“I’ve found it’s best to be underestimated. If they know what you can do, they know how to fight it. How to hurt you,” he answered carefully.

“You’ve been in some bad places, but this is not one. Who is ‘they’ that you speak of? It’s ‘they’ who I am trying to keep out of this community. If you ‘ave to fear them ‘ere, then I am not doing my job,” she said officiously.

“What about the people outside of this community?”

“What do I care about the people outside? They are not my problem,” she said dismissively.

“How can you build a place like this if you don't care?” he asked, trying his best to sound more curious than probing. 

“I don’t much like to be alone and the rest of the world will not 'ave me. I make this place for me, not for you. Remember that. You interest me but if you cross a line, you will not be allowed to come back,” she said with a vague sort of smile.

She stood up, leaving the rest of her food on the plate. She walked away, not looking back as she left Remus sitting alone.

He lay in bed, unable to sleep. He didn’t know what the fuck to feel. His conversation with Annabelle left him rattled. He’d been almost tempted to leave, to go back to Dumbledore and inform him he was no longer confident in his cover. It was always the intention to eventually extend an offer to Annabelle from the Order, but he had hoped to have control over how he approached that. To be able to determine for himself how to reveal his purpose. He had no idea what was going through her head, but he felt out of control.

It had been a few days, and he had been watching her carefully from a distance. She smiled at him every time she saw him, but they hadn’t spoken again. Hadn’t been alone together. He was starting to feel like he was a pawn in some game she was playing, only he couldn’t see any of the other pieces. He couldn’t even see the board. He didn’t get the sense that there was anything malicious behind it or even that she was suspicious of him, which is why he decided to finish out his time. Still, he didn’t like the feeling like he was being assessed. Like she was waiting for him to fuck up in some spectacular way. Waiting for the threads to unravel around him. He couldn't have this mission be a failure. Not after everything that happened with Sirius and Dumbledore.

It had him on edge. A sharp, painful edge that he desperately longed to dull.

He crawled out of his bottom bunk, trying to be silent, not wake any of the others. He pulled on his coat and shoes, making his way out into the night. The half moon and the stars were enough to cast light on a cloudless night out in the countryside. 

He sat with his back against the little fence that surrounded the vegetable garden, looking up at the stars. His head whipped around, hand already making its way to his wand, when he saw Andy. Or rather, Andy’s bright hair reflecting in the moonlight.

“Whoa there, buddy, you seem a little jumpy,” he joked as he walked over and sat himself down cross-legged opposite Remus.

“What are you doing up?” asked Remus tiredly.

“You woke me with all your shuffling around,” he said with mock anger, jabbing a finger towards Remus’ chest. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

“A duel to the death seems the only fair solution,” Remus deadpanned.

“That sound like it would take effort, which you well know is my one weakness. Well played,” he said with a nod.

“Fair enough. I don’t have my pistols on me anyway. You might as well just go back to bed,” said Remus pointedly.

“And why are you so desperate to be alone?”

“I was just enjoying some silence. Haven't had much of it since I met you,” he said, pulling his coat tighter around himself. “It’s nice country out here. Reminds me of when I was little.”

“So, where the fuck are you from, anyway?” asked Andy. “I've been wondering.”

“Why do you care?”

“I keep trying to figure out the accent. I’ve been in the UK a while now, but I still can’t place it. You’re ever the man of mystery,” he said with a wink.

Remus laughed a little. He got this question every now and then.

“I’m from here, actually. Wales. It’s where my mother was from. We left when I was five, spent the next few years traveling all around before settling in Northern England when I was ten, where my dad’s from.” Then went to school with a bunch of posh kids, but probably best to keep the details of his education vague. “What part of New Zealand are you from?”

Remus was very satisfied when a rare look of annoyance passed across Andy’s face. He grabbed a handful of grass and dirt, throwing it at Remus who managed to raise his hand up just in time to block his face.

“How dare you compare me to a Kiwi! New Zealand is basically just an Australian state, hardly worthy of being their own country,” he declared.

Remus just smiled. He’d asked Andy a few times how he ended up in Wales. Every time he was met with a different, wild tale. Whatever he’d left behind in Australia, he didn’t seem inclined to talk about it. It was obvious that he missed it, even though he tried to pretend otherwise.

“So why are you sneaking out in the middle of the night, Rey?” he asked abruptly.

“I told you, couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh yeah, sure. It’s just I saw you talking to Reggie earlier, hanging around his cabin,” he said lightly.

Remus’ face dropped, an immediate stone mask. “What business is it of yours who I talk to?”

“Hey, man, I’m just looking out,” he said casually.

“Don’t. You don’t know me and whatever ideas you have in your dim head about us, it’s not mutual. I’ve told you too many times, Andy, learn some fucking boundaries,” said Remus icily as he stood up.

Andy stood too, stepping around to block Remus’ path as he went to walk away. He reached out a hand towards Remus, who batted it away. Andy smiled a little, like it was a game. Remus went to walk away again, but Andy grabbed hold of his coat. The ensuing scuffle was over quickly, with Remus managing to not only pull away from his grip but knock Andy to the ground.

“Stay the fuck away from me,” he said as Andy pushed himself back up.

“You don’t want this back?” Andy asked as Remus walked away.

He turned back to see a now standing, nonchalant Andy holding up a bottle, waving it slightly in Remus’ direction. It was a small, glass coke bottle with the label long since faded and torn. It was filled with a clear liquid.

Remus reached down into his coat pockets, kicking at the ground and swearing when he realized they were now empty. 

“You know, I’m pretty thirsty myself,” said Andy as he unscrewed the lid. 

Remus watched on, thankful for the false sense of security the darkness gave him. Wishing he could just disappear from sight altogether. Andy took a swig from the bottle, almost immediately coughing and spluttering.

“Fuck me, Reggie really does know how to brew a mean batch. That’ll strip your stomach. Hey, you want some?” he asked cheerfully, holding the bottle back out to Remus.

He stared at it a moment, then looked back up at Andy, putting his hands back in his pockets.

“It’s none of your business,” said Remus, not quite able to keep the guilt out of his voice.

“No? I was just under the impression you were sober, but my bad if I got it wrong. Just trying to be a mate,” he said, stepping closer, still holding the bottle out.

Remus took a step back. “Fine, I get it, okay? Just keep it.”

Andy retracted his arm, nodding at Remus with a relaxed smile. He turned the bottle over, tipping the contents out onto the grass. Even in the open air, Remus could smell the strong chemical scent of the moonshine. When it was empty, Andy put it in his own coat pocket. Annabelle did not tolerate littering.

Andy walked back over to the garden fence, sitting down. He looked back to Remus and pat the ground beside him. Remus sighed. He walked over and sat down, pulling his knees up and resting his arms on them. 

“I didn’t drink anything. Not yet.”

“Yeah I figured. Still full. Good for you because it’s truly heinous stuff,” Andy said, leaning back into the fence.

“It’s just been a weird few days.”

“Whatever, dude. I’m not trying to guilt you, I just don’t want to see you go off the rails. You said you used to be into the hardcore shit and if you start back up on smack Annabelle will send you off without a return ticket,” he said breezily, no hint of judgement.

Remus side eyed him, trying his best to get a read. Andy had been nothing but friendly. Sometimes too friendly. He’d been there for nearly a year before Remus arrived, yet didn’t seem to have any real friendships. In a few weeks, he’d spent more time with Remus than anyone else there. It made him nervous. It made him nervous how much he liked having him around.

“What does it matter to you if she does?” he asked suspiciously.

“What, are you stupid?” he asked with a laugh. “How many young, hot, gay guys do you think show up in this fucking place? Let alone someone I actually like. I figured you were just playing hard to get, but maybe you’re actually an idiot because I really wasn’t trying for subtlety.”

“I never said anything about being gay,” said Remus, suddenly very aware of how close Andy was. 

“You didn’t need to,” said Andy, turning so that he was facing Remus, supporting his weight on a hand placed very close to his thigh.

“It’s never going to happen, Andy.”

He laughed again but stopped when Remus’ face remained impassive. “Oh, come on. I get you’re having fun with the whole pretending you’re not into me thing, but I know when someone likes me. What the hell are you so freaked out about? Are you secretly married? Wife and kids out in the suburbs somewhere?” he joked. “You’re out here with no friends or family, trying not spend your free time getting wasted alone in the night. Well, if you want to feel good for a while, I know some healthier ways to make that happen,” he said with a smirk.

No, he wasn’t married. But he may as well be. He had a partner (who he was growing to resent more every day.) A home (that he was dreading returning to.) Fuck he needed a drink. Something much stronger than a drink. Andy was right, he desperately wanted, no, _needed_ to feel good for even a moment.

He knew he was making a mistake even as he did it. Felt an overwhelming shame coursing through his body as he leaned over, grabbing Andy’s shirt and pulling him forward. 

When Andy kissed him, it felt so, so good. 

They were on the ground, Andy on top of him. His hands were on his chest, mouth on his neck. It was intoxicating in just the way he was looking for. Things were heating up very fast. Remus’ coat was off, tossed to the side. Andy’s shirt unbuttoned. His hand undoing Remus’ fly.

“Stop,” Remus almost shouted, pushing Andy off him.

He sat up, shuffling back in a quick motion. Andy reached out to him, desperately confused.

“Rey, what-”

“No, just stop, please,” he said, out of breath.

Andy pulled his hand away. “Did I do something wrong?”

For the first time since Remus had met him, he looked upset. Vulnerable. Hurt. Remus felt horrible. It wasn’t his fault, he had no way to know what a terrible person Remus was. He hadn’t done anything wrong, but he had to suffer the consequences of Remus’ stupid, selfish choices just like every other person who had ever cared about him. He was never going to be better, no matter how hard he tried.

“It’s not you. I just- I’m sorry, okay?” He stood up, picking up his coat, turning away as he redid his fly. “I’m going to bed.”

Andy didn’t follow as he walked back to the barracks. When he got there, he climbed into his bunk without even taking off his coat or shoes. He pulled the blanket over his head, silent tears streaming down his face.

He was pathetic. Weak. A piece of shit. How could he have ever judged Sirius? At least his betrayal had been out of love. The worst bit was he was completely sober. There was nothing and no one to blame but his own failings.

A little while later he heard the sound of a door opening and closing, footsteps making their way quietly to Andy’s bunk. They paused for a moment as they passed by Remus, but continued on.

The next day he didn’t get out of bed. He hadn’t slept a wink, but he kept his eyes shut as everyone else got up and headed off to breakfast. It was well into the afternoon before anybody came to check on him. When he heard the door opening, he just rolled over to face the wall and closed his eyes again.

He felt the weight of someone sitting on the edge of the bunk.

“People were wondering why you weren’t helping out with chores. I told them you're sick,” said Andy apprehensively. "Come on, Rey, I know you’re awake.”

Remus opened his eyes but continued facing the wall.

“You don’t need to cover for me,” he said.

“You could try saying thanks, maybe.”

“Thanks.”

Andy sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face. “Look, let’s just forget last night, alright? I misread the situation. You’re not into me, my ego’s not that big, dude, I’ll cope,” he said with a forced flippancy. 

Remus turned around, sitting up. He pressed his back against the wall, facing Andy. Once again, he was so close.

“That’s not the problem,” he said softly.

“Then what is?”

Remus looked at him for a moment. “I really, really fucking hate myself. I’m not a good person, Andy. And I’m not staying here forever. I can't give you what you want.”

“And you know what the fuck I want? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this shitty existence, Rey, it’s that I couldn’t care less about concepts like ‘past’ and ‘future.’ We don’t really know each other and neither of us want to be here, but here we are. Whatever you want to do with that is fine, just tell me,” he said earnestly.

“What I want to do, right now, more than anything, is heroin. That’s what I want,” he admitted.

“You want to get fucked up, I won’t stop you this time.”

Remus leaned forward. He kissed Andy, slow and deep. When he pulled away Andy was looking at him questioningly, wanting to know that Remus was sure. Remus gave him a small nod. 

He didn’t let himself think this time as Andy crawled into the bed with him. He focused on the sensations, on the feel of Andy’s body. On the things he very skillfully did to Remus’ body. 

No past. No future.

Not until he had to go home two weeks later. Until he had to be himself again. Rey knew how to adapt to whatever the moment called for. He wasn’t Rey when he saw Sirius again, though. 

Sirius had been wrong. He’d managed to stay clean and sober the entire mission. A resounding success.


	35. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus loves Sirius. Sirius loves Remus. Why can't it ever be that simple?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly think writing this story has been my pandemic coping mechanism. I have never been so single-mindedly focused on a long form story in my life. I hope you're all getting some level of catharsis by being able to immerse yourselves in the chaos and struggle of these characters to forget the chaos and struggle of our lives. It's certainly helped me. Though I'll tell you what, I'm really getting excited on moving into the part of the story where the healing and rebuilding starts, because I think I need that too.
> 
> Do I use the authors notes too much to talk about myself? Oh well.
> 
> I hope you're all having an okay time and coping with general dysfunction that is the world right now <3

Remus wasn’t expecting Sirius to be awake. He hadn’t made it home until late into the night. 

His debrief with Dumbledore had taken some time. He’d become convinced that they needed a new approach with Annabelle, to reach out directly to negotiate. She didn’t have the same intense distrust of wizards that so many werewolves did. Given that she already seemed to harbor her doubts about Remus’ cover, he believed it might be more successful for a meeting to be set with Dumbledore directly. Remus would go back once everything was arranged, assess the safety of the situation, and approach Annabelle with the proposal. He didn’t think she’d be interested, but Dumbledore seemed confident he could convince her.

He was dreading the thought of returning, even if just to arrange the meeting. He couldn't see Andy again. He'd left without a word. It wasn't his fault that Andy was the living, breathing personification of his failure. He deserved better than Remus. They all did.

He’d closed out the long night with a trip to Madam Pomfrey. He came back clean on all her tests. She told him she was proud of him. He felt sick as she said it.

Sirius was not asleep when he got home. He was wide awake, Sex Pistols blaring loud enough that the neighbors would have called the cops if Sirius hadn’t set silencing charms. He was sat on the living room floor, a pile of playing cards in front of him that were being stacked into an elaborate castle, complete with levitated draw bridge.

There were records strewn across the living room, along with a pile of takeout containers on the floor beside the coffee table. They had clearly been set aside to make room for the game. There were days’ worth.

The tower of cards fell and scattered spectacularly as Remus opened the door onto the scene, Sirius standing up abruptly and knocking the table in the process. His unbrushed hair was falling around his pale, slightly sickly face.

“Moony, you’re home!” Sirius called out.

He whipped his wand in the direction of the record player wordlessly, halting the music with a dramatic scratch. Remus had hoped he’d have more time before having to face him. He seemed frantic. Almost manic. He hadn't decided if he was going to confess. He knew it would hurt Sirius. Probably end things between them for good. He didn't want any of that. He was so tired of lying.

“Hi Pads,” he said carefully as he closed the door.

Sirius rushed over to him but stopped just short of reaching out physically to greet him. He seemed nervous.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said painfully. “I’m sorry for what I did. Please don’t leave like that again. I’m-”

He was cut off as Remus kissed him. Deeply, passionately. Remus could taste Firewhisky on him. He held him close. A silent, desperate plea for forgiveness that Sirius could not understand.

When they broke apart, he looked around, noticed the half empty bottle by the couch. There were empties in the bin, too. Sirius didn’t notice, just stared at Remus in confusion.

“I thought you were mad at me. You should be mad at me,” he stated as if it were obvious.

“I was,” said Remus, feeling sick to his stomach at the guilt that Sirius had been so clearly harboring. “I’m not now. I know you did what you did because you love me. I love you too,” he said, reaching out and squeezing Sirius’ hand, begging him to believe it. I loved you even as I ruined everything, even as I took another man into my bed.

“I- yeah, okay. Okay,” said Sirius, struggling to change gears. 

This time he noticed as Remus’ eyes wandered back over to the bottle, almost wistfully. He slapped his palm to his face, swearing. He whipped out his wand and pointed to the bottle, muttering ‘Accio.’ It flew into his hand, a little bit sloshing out of the open lid onto the floor. 

“I’m so sorry. Fuck, I didn’t know you’d be home tonight, I’ll get rid of it,” Sirius rambled, striding over to the kitchen sink.

“It’s fine, Pads. Really, don’t worry about it.”

“No, it’s not. It is- I have been inconsiderate,” he said, over-enunciating every syllable as he poured the alcohol down the drain. “Not a good partner. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, Moony.” He dropped the empty bottle into the sink with a loud clatter, then turned to face Remus. “You’ve been gone a month, after all.”

“I’m sorry,” he said earnestly. So deeply sorry. Please, please forgive me. 

“How did it go? Where were you? Did anything go wrong?” asked Sirius in rapid fire, desperate to get answers.

Remus hesitated. “I can’t talk about it.”

“You said you’re not mad at me,” whined Sirius. “Just tell me if you are and I’ll make it right. You can’t freeze me out!” he declared. 

Remus stepped forward, putting his hands on Sirius’ shoulders and looking him in the eyes.

“I’m not mad, really. This isn’t out of spite. I just… can’t talk about it. Not anymore. Dumbledore say’s we can’t risk anyone else knowing anything,” he explained in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.

Sirius’ eyes widened and he backed out of Remus’ grip. “You don’t trust me! I haven’t said anything to anyone! How can you just cut me out like that? A month, Remus, a fucking month waiting to talk about this with you and now you’re telling me you won’t?” yelled Sirius, all regret forgotten as his mood swung wildly to anger.

“I’m telling you I can’t,” said Remus calmly. “Why don’t we discuss this tomorrow? It’s late and you have work in the morning.”

“No! You don’t get to just come and go as you please with not a word about it! We’ve done that before, remember? It didn’t fucking work.”

“Sirius, please. I’m tired and you’re drunk-”

“You’re one to talk,” he spat. “You can keep your hypocritical judgments to yourself. After everything I've put up with! You finally get your shit together and now you want to turn it all around on me?”

Remus sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m not judging you, Sirius. I just want to go to bed.”

"Well fuck off then," he hissed.

Remus walked towards the bedroom, not looking back as Sirius knocked a plate from the kitchen bench onto the floor with a crash. He couldn’t keep down the tears as he reached the door. As soon as it was closed behind him, he sunk to the floor, already hyperventilating.

He wanted to tell Sirius everything. To lay it all out and beg his forgiveness. He wanted to skip ahead to the part where life wasn't a constant state of disaster. 

He’d leave him. Surely Sirius would leave him if he knew. It would be exactly what Remus deserved. He was terrified of what he would do, how he could possibly survive it if Sirius didn't want him anymore. Now, seeing how much he was hurting, how much he was losing his grip, he was terrified of what Sirius would do, too. Sirius acted recklessly when he was in pain. He could get himself into real trouble.

He couldn't do that to him just for the sake of alleviating his own guilt. It wouldn’t be fair.

Sirius didn’t come to bed that night.

When Remus woke up after his fitful sleep, it was early. The smell of bacon and eggs wafted in even through the closed door.

When he came out, he found the table set with coffee and breakfast. Sirius looked over at him from the kitchen where he was plating the bacon, the final touch on the generous morning spread.

“Good morning,” Sirius said apprehensively. 

“You too,” said Remus tiredly as he sat at the table, reaching for the coffee.

“Please enjoy my apology breakfast that I won’t be eating because I’m hungover as fuck and the smell is making me nauseous,” Sirius joked awkwardly.

“You don’t need to apologize. I get it, it’s fine.”

"I was a mess. I didn't mean any of it. You shouldn't have had to come home to that," he said regretfully.

"It only seems fair, after all the states you've found me in."

Sirius sat down, placing the bacon on the table and pushing it in Remus’ direction. Remus did not take any, continuing to sip at his coffee. Sirius looked at him incredulously.

“I don’t understand. You were furious. I fucked up, you had every right to be furious. If you'd gone behind my back like I did to you, I'd be livid. Why are you acting like nothing’s wrong?”

“Because I’m over it,” he said steadily. “Because I love you.” Because I’ve fucked up so much worse than you could imagine.

Sirius looked very much as if he didn’t believe Remus, but he dropped it anyway. He grabbed his own cup of coffee but kept looking at Remus over the rim as he sipped.

“So how did it go then? Are you,” he cleared his throat, “did you get through it okay?”

“Yeah, still clean and sober. I really can’t talk about any of it, though,” said Remus apologetically.

“Come on, you’re really sticking to that? Is that really what you want?” asked Sirius, a look of hurt etched into his features.

“Of course it’s not what I want. But it is what’s happening. I’m sorry, really, I am.”

“So you’re not going to tell me when I can next expect you to vanish of the face of the earth, then?”

Remus just looked at him imploringly. He didn’t deserve Sirius’ understanding. Sirius sighed.

“Fine. Well, I’ll tell you that _I_ have to go away, anyway. I leave in two days. Great timing, huh? At this rate we’re barely even living together. I’m going to miss Harry’s birthday, but I got him a gift that you can take for me.”

“Alright,” said Remus. A beat. “I missed you, you know.”

Sirius smiled genuinely at that. He stood up and leaned over the table, kissing Remus before sitting back down. 

“Me too. I have to go to work, but I’ll see you tonight,” he said with a wink. “All this time apart, we're practically virgins again. We’ll have to do something about that.”

Remus laughed lightly in a way that he hoped sounded sincere. Sirius headed for the door.

“I love you,” said Remus. 

Sirius turned around, giving him a funny look, like he was talking nonsense. “I know. You keep saying.” Remus just shrugged at him. Sirius shook his head slightly, then turned back around and walked out the door. 

Once he was gone, Remus pushed all the food away from him. He folded his arms on the table and buried his face in them. He stayed in that position for a while. How had he gotten to this point? Right. By being a piece of shit. That’s how.

He stayed in that position a long time before getting up and heading out to the terrace for a smoke. As soon as he was done, he headed over to visit Lily and James. They always worried when he was away and he really didn’t think he could be alone without doing something self-destructive.

They were both still finishing up their own breakfast with Harry when he appeared in the fireplace. After the obligatory hugs and how are you’s of the reunion he set himself up on the couch, laying on his back with his legs hanging over the arm. James and Lily took the armchairs while Harry waddled over and tugged at his sleeve.

“He wants to play,” said James.

Remus smiled at him, pulling out his wand and pointing it in the direction of the wall. He muttered a spell under his breath and little image of a bird appeared on the wall. It tweeted musically and began flying around its two-dimensional space. Harry ran after it, grabbing at it, forgetting all about the adults in the room.

James and Lily smiled fondly at their son before turning back to Remus.

“So, been doing any drugs lately?” asked James like he was asking how the weather had been.

Remus grabbed a pillow and held it over his face, groaning loudly. Lily just rolled her eyes at her husband.

“Every single time I see you Prongs. Every _fucking_ time. Can I not have a normal conversation?” asked Remus, removing the pillow from his face and chucking it at James, who batted it away midair.

“Hey! For the millionth time, cool it with the swearing! The kid is right there,” said James indignantly, gesturing to Harry. “He’s forming words now. Sort of.”

“In that case, I’d rather his first sentence to me not be ‘are you on drugs, Uncle Moony?’ if you don’t mind.”

“Fair enough.” A beat. “Are you though?”

“Leave him alone, James,” said Lily sternly.

“Oh don’t pretend you’re not thinking it, like we haven’t all been worrying the entire time he’s been gone,” said James, waving a hand at Lily dismissively.

“I haven’t seen you for a month, Prongs, and I already need a break,” said Remus, exasperated. “No, I’m fine. Not on anything. Haven’t slipped up. You know, I think I preferred it when you thought addiction wasn’t a real thing. You’ve become very overbearing, like the extra parent I never wanted.”

“Just glad you’re doing okay, Moony,” said James cheerily. 

Remus and Lily shared an affectionately frustrated glance. She reached over and squeezed his shoulder softly.

“Hey, so you both know Sirius is leaving for Order business soon, I assume?” They both nodded. “Mind if I stay here while he’s away?” he asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.

Lily’s expression turned to concern. “I thought it was getting easier,” she said softly. 

He huffed out a small, hollow laugh. “It is supposed to get easier, isn't it? I keep waiting for that part. I just… he's away for weeks. I can't do that. Not right now.”

Long nights by himself imagining all the ways Sirius might react when he told him about what he’d done. Wondering if he should even tell him or if he was too much of a selfish coward. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t sit with that. Not sober. 

“We are literally going crazy with boredom,” said James. “Please, for the love of all that is good, feel free to stay and break up the monotony. I want to turn the basement into an obstacle course for Harry, but Lily thinks it’s stupid and won’t help me.”

“It _is_ stupid,” said Remus.

“So you’re in?”

“Of course.”


	36. Insurmountable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tragedy strikes. Everything changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter this week because I have been very sick and very busy. Always a fun combination. Also, this was just a hard chapter to write. Any and all comments would be appreciated.
> 
> Major warnings for this chapter for character death. Discussed, not shown and no graphic details.

He imagined that if the world ended, it would have to feel something like this. 

Sirius had come back for the funeral, but he had to leave again right after. He hadn’t wanted to go. He hadn’t wanted to do anything. Poor James and Lily couldn’t even attend in the first place. All any of them wanted was to be together.

Remus had remained alone back at the apartment after Sirius left again. Harry’s first birthday came so soon after and he couldn’t bring himself to go. He just dropped Sirius’ gift at the door along with his own and left. He’d received a letter from Lily that afternoon with a picture enclosed of Harry cuddling up with their new cat, the gift Remus had given after obtaining Lily and James’ full permission nearly a month ago. Apparently, he’d also loved the broomstick Sirius had got him. He was glad.

He’d spent a lot of time with James and Lily since it happened, but this was supposed to be a day with the slightest glimmer of hope and he just couldn’t bring himself to taint it. He certainly couldn’t bring himself to feel anything so unattainable as hopefulness. 

It just wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. They were all holding it together, even him, because the enormity of it was just so much that nobody even knew how to go about falling apart. 

Almost nobody actually knew that Marlene and her family were involved with the Order. They had only ever attended meetings sparingly, and only with core Order members. The legal work they did was vital and the secrecy of it was utmost. Even Remus didn't really know the full extent of it. Marlene always talked about her studies with him, not her work. Death Eaters had swarmed their offices. Marlene and her family never stood a chance.

Somebody leaked it. They always knew it was an Order member, but somebody in that core group was a traitor. It was unthinkable. At the funeral, nobody could quite meet anybody else’s eyes. The Marauders and Lily knew they could trust each other. Everyone else was suspect. Sirius had been so angry Remus was genuinely afraid he would start a fight right there in front of the graves. Didn’t matter with who. 

It was bad enough, but then days after Harry’s birthday they finally got the word. Dorcas had been missing since right after the attack. The slaughter. They had all been hoping for some miracle, but as had been drilled into them again and again by this fucking nightmare, there were no miracles.

She had gone after them. They always knew that she was a powerful witch. There were really no areas in which she did not excel, but she chose to channel it all into healing. 

She got through a lot of Death Eaters before Voldemort decided to deal with her himself.

Sirius came home again after that. He’d taken a week off work after getting back from the mission and had stayed in his Animagus form almost the entire time. Him and Remus spent most of their days laying in bed together, though sometimes they took long, aimless walks through the city. Remus was up to smoking nearly two packs a day. Sirius never commented.

Somehow, he’d managed to avoid relapse, though he hardly knew how long he could keep it up. It just felt wrong. Too wrong even for his worst instincts to convince him to give in. They were in it together. Himself, Sirius, Lily, James and Peter. He couldn’t be the one to fall apart and make it all about his drama. He wouldn’t do that to them. He wouldn’t put them through all that again when they were in the middle of the worst moment the fucking war had yet to lay at their feet.

He wouldn’t do that to Marlene and Dorcas.

It had been six weeks and he still hadn’t really accepted that they were gone. He’d been volunteering a lot since Sirius went back to work, and it helped him feel slightly more grounded. Still, the grief was almost overwhelming. 

Then he got the word from Dumbledore. It wouldn’t be long this time. Only a few weeks while they worked through approaching and negotiating with Annabelle. He knew he had to do it, though he desperately did not want to go.

It had been weeks since he’d had any real thoughts of Andy. The idea of telling Sirius what he’d done seemed almost trivial in the face of their loss. It seemed cruel. Now though, he couldn’t get it out of his mind. He didn’t know what he was going to do.

Remus was on the couch attempting to read when Sirius came home from work. He hadn’t absorbed a single word of the book. He hadn’t really been able to read since they got the news about Marlene. He just couldn’t focus on anything.

He looked up as Sirius closed the door just a little too hard. His knuckles were bloodied. Remus threw his book down and walked over to him, grabbing his hands to take a look. He could smell the Firewhisky on his breath.

“It’s fine,” said Sirius, yanking his hand away.

“What about the other guy?”

“A total prick.”

Remus stared Sirius down. Sirius sighed.

“He was up and walking when I left. Not likely to grab a girl without asking anytime soon,” he said with a smug smirk.

This had been the routine. Once or twice a week Sirius would come home like this. He never drank in the apartment. Remus didn’t really think it was about the drinking. He didn’t tend to get much more than tipsy. He figured it was more about having an excuse for getting into fights. All that rage and paranoia had to go somewhere.

Remus grabbed him by the shirt. He pulled him forward and kissed him. Sirius kissed back. His jacket was off, followed by his shirt. They made their way to the living room desperately, items of clothing strewn on the floor as they went. Remus had been intending to talk when Sirius got home, but he forgot all about it as Sirius pushed him down onto the couch.

It was quick. Rough. Remus enjoyed the vicarious thrill as he tasted the whisky still fresh on Sirius’ breath. He could feel his hips bruising where Sirius’ hands dug in and he leaned into it.

When they were done, they lay together on the couch. Some of that anger seemed to have left Sirius, and Remus felt a little more connected to reality than he had all day. He lay his head against Sirius’ chest as Sirius ran his hand through his hair.

“I got the word from Dumbledore,” said Remus, interrupting the peaceful silence. 

He felt Sirius tense up against him. “I thought you weren’t supposed to tell me about this stuff anymore. I can be reckless, or so I’ve been told,” he said a little snidely, though it seemed directed at Dumbledore more so than Remus.

“Fuck him. Fuck that. I won’t just disappear on you. Not now.”

A beat.

“I miss them so much,” whispered Sirius.

“Me too,” said Remus, tearing up. He wiped it away quickly. “I’ll only be gone a few weeks. Dumbledore thinks this might be it, what we’ve been looking for. I’m not so sure. I think it’ll be a harder sell than he believes.”

“It shouldn’t be a hard fucking sell at all. How is it this difficult to get them to side with the people who don’t want to kill them?” huffed Sirius.

“It’s not that simple,” said Remus.

Sirius sat up, pushing Remus up in the process. He looked over at Remus.

“After everything that’s happened, I just don’t think I buy that anymore. It is that simple. You’re either with Voldemort or you’re against him. If someone is too stupid or too cowardly to know the difference then as far as I’m concerned, they’re getting what’s coming to them,” he said bitterly.

Remus looked at him sadly. He understood what Sirius was feeling, but things just weren’t that binary. He needed him to know that the work he was doing wasn’t just for nothing.

“As far as the people in these communities are concerned, the Ministry is just as likely to kill them one day as anyone else. Plenty in the Ministry have said as much, and not all of them can be converted by having to raise a werewolf son,” he said painfully as he thought of his father. “Given the conditions they live with, you can hardly blame them for wanting to listen when someone comes along and tells them they have the key to a better life,” he reasoned calmly.

Sirius stood up, reaching over to where his pants lay discarded on the floor and pulling them on. Remus did the same, sensing that he hadn’t appealed to Sirius’ rationality as well as he hoped.

“That’s shit. A cop out. They’re not stupid. They know what’s happening, what Voldemort stands for. What he’s asking them to do in return for rights that he’s never going to give them anyway. If they’re willing to go along with him then maybe they don’t deserve those rights to begin with.”

Remus bristled at that. “Don’t deserve their rights? Are you hearing yourself?”

“Don’t twist my words, I’m not talking about lycanthropes, I’m talking about Death Eaters and everyone who supports them.”

They were both standing, facing each other. Sirius seemed to have no interest in hearing a word of disagreement.

“Do you really think the packs that have sided with him have made an informed, uncoerced decision? That they are the same as the privileged pure blood assholes who are joining up for the sake of their own supremacy? You have no idea how these people have been living. They’re legislated out of any hope for a meaningful life. Some of them have been hunted. Driven from Wizarding and muggle communities alike. No education, no support. Lycanthropes are murdered at a higher rate than almost any population on the planet, and it’s wizards who are doing it. You want to say that they’re stupid, evil people because they’re willing to listen to the first person who has ever suggested to them that they deserve better? Or should they just be reasonable and join in the war on the side of the same community that will almost certainly continue to persecute them after they win?”

Sirius was staring at him, mouth agape. “Wow, that’s quite a little speech, Moony. Did you rehearse it? Not to sound too much like a privileged pure blood asshole, but fuck that. Obviously, I know how fucked up the Ministry is and I don’t expect anyone to just take it lying down, but this is beyond that. Some things are just wrong. What’s been done to them is wrong, but that doesn’t make siding with Voldemort any less wrong and I cannot even comprehend that you would suggest otherwise after everything we’ve lost!”

“Of course I’m not suggesting that! Do you think I’m any less angry than you? I’m not saying that maybe Voldemort is a good guy after all, I’m just saying that I don’t think you can categorize all of the people from those packs as irredeemably bad knowing the context of how they got there!”

“Can’t I? It’s not like all of them make the wrong choice. What about the people you’ve told me about? People like Oliver? All the others who have resisted? What about you? You face all the same barriers as the rest of them and you’re not like that at all!”

“Is that what you think? I had an education. I had a family who were willing to keep me. Dumbledore personally on my side. Friends in the Wizarding community and a partner who I rely on for stable housing. I am worlds away from the experiences that these people have had to go through, and you know what? I’m still a chronically unemployed junkie with a suicide attempt under my belt! I’m not better than anyone. If I hadn’t had Dumbledore in my corner, I’d probably be in the same place as all the rest of them, and I don’t know what kind of choices I’d be making in that position!”

Sirius was stunned for a moment. Remus had never said those words before. Suicide attempt. He’d never, ever called it that. Never admitted that the overdose and near miss with the roof was anything other than an unremembered mistake. He listened as Remus empathized with the scum that chose to associate themselves with Voldemort, and all he could hear was self-loathing. 

“Don’t say that. Don’t even think it. You’re not like them. I don’t care what the circumstances are, you would never, ever make that kind of choice. You’re so much better than that Remus, even if you refuse to see it,” said Sirius forcefully.

“You’re missing the point, Sirius. It’s not about if I’m better. I’m telling you, I’m not. It’s about how Voldemort and Greyback can use those horrible circumstances to manipulate incredibly vulnerable people to their will. If you think that vulnerability makes those people inherently not worth protecting, then you don’t understand at all why I’m doing the work I’m doing,” said Remus, stepping forward, trying to make him understand.

“No. I don’t. You said yourself that you don’t even think this person you’re working with can be convinced. That even Dumbledore can’t get them to side against the Death Eaters. They killed our friends! They killed Marley and Dory! Anyone who isn’t actively, willfully against Voldemort is an enemy as far as I’m concerned. If you think you can make a difference then go on the mission, I’m not going to fight you or stop you, but I hate the thought of you associating yourself with these people and thinking you’re the same as them.”

“They’re not bad people in this pack. Even if they don’t want to get involved in the war. They’re just people who’ve had difficult lives who want to be left alone. I want to fight, but fuck, I can understand why they don’t,” he said. “I’m not as good a person as you seem to think I am, but my refusal to see things in black and white like you do isn’t my problem.”

“Well I guess we just have a fundamental difference of opinion on both those counts,” said Sirius stubbornly.

Remus sighed. Sirius was still fired up. All of a sudden, he just couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t stand there and listen to Sirius tell him what a good person he was. How underserving and irredeemable all these other werewolves were compared to him. It pissed him off. It made him feel like he was drowning in shame. It made him wonder if Sirius would have ever seen him as worthwhile if had met him as just another werewolf living in the packs, rather than a kid at school. He didn’t know what he wanted from this, but he couldn’t leave Sirius in the dark a moment longer. He deserved better. He deserved so much better than Remus.

“I cheated on you.”

“What?” asked Sirius, blinking rapidly at Remus, struggling to change gears.

Remus just stared at him, hoping he would process the words without making him say them again. He breathed heavily, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill in the corners of his eyes.

“You mean with the guy at the club? Moony, I got over that ages ago-” 

He stopped abruptly as Remus shook his head no. Sirius was very still for a moment, face suddenly very blank as he turned it over in his mind.

“When was this?” he asked eventually.

“About two months ago now,” said Remus evenly.

“Two months… you were on a mission.” Remus nodded. “So you lied. You said you didn’t relapse, but that was obviously a fucking lie,” accused Sirius.

“No. I didn’t lie. Not about that,” Remus said very softly.

“Oh.”

Sirius looked around the room as if he were expecting people to jump out from behind the furniture with a camera. Like he was trying to understand the punchline of a joke. When he couldn’t find the answers he was looking for, he turned back to Remus, feeling anger creeping back in through the sudden numbness.

“So what does this mean exactly? Was it just the one guy?” Remus nodded. “Did you kiss him? Did he give you a blowjob? Come on, fill me on the details a little,” said Sirius with a frantic edge.

Remus stared back. “Sirius, I’m sorry-”

“You fucked him, didn’t you.” Sirius nodded, clenching his fists at his side when Remus offered no denial. “Just the once?” Remus hung his head guiltily, shaking it no. “Great. Great, well, it’s good to know you were nice and sober while you were fucking someone else. Glad you could have some fun while you were away. Or was it all for the Order? Taking one for the team, as it were?”

Remus stepped towards Sirius, reaching out instinctively. “Sirius, I’m so sorry. I know it’s not enough, but-”

He was cut off as Sirius shoved him away. Hard. Hard enough that he tripped backwards, slamming his leg into the coffee table and his head against the floorboards as he landed with a thud on his back. 

“You piece of shit! Go ahead, go on your fucking mission back to your lover and those people you sympathize so deeply with,” spat Sirius as he stood over Remus, fists balled tight and shaking.

Remus groaned and reached up to clutch at his head. When he pulled his hand away, there was a trickle of blood. Sirius breathed heavily as he noticed the redness. He looked back down at his hands with a dawning horror. His knuckles were starting to scab up from the fight he’d been in earlier.

“Fuck,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to…”

Sirius dropped his hands sharply, walking towards the bathroom. He came back a moment later with a potion bottle in hand. He crouched down beside Remus, who had managed to pull himself up into a sitting position. He looked up at Sirius apologetically even as he knelt down to minister to the wounds that he had caused.

“Drink this,” he instructed, handing Remus the healing potion to head off any chance of concussion. While Remus drank, he ran his wand over the cut on the back of his head, muttering a healing spell.

After he had finished, they both sat there on the floor in silence for a while. All the fight had left Sirius. He didn’t even know if he was sad. He’d confronted the possibility of something like this before, after Remus kissed that man. This was different, though. This wasn’t some blacked out mistake. 

Remus was watching him carefully, waiting for a response. He knew what he hoped Sirius would say. He also knew he didn’t deserve forgiveness, no matter how much he needed it.

“I miss them every day,” said Sirius eventually. “All I think about, all day, every day, is which one of us is going to be next. Which one of us will be betrayed by someone we thought we knew.”

Remus felt a stab through his chest at the subtext of that statement. “I miss them so fucking much.”

“I shouldn’t have pushed you,” Sirius said softly.

“It’s fine.” 

“No, it’s really not. None of this is fine, Remus. Look at us. What the fuck are we doing?” he asked earnestly.

“I love you, Sirius. More than anything. I’m sorry. I know how hollow it sounds, but I mean it.”

“I love you too. And you know what? I know you're sorry. You’re always sorry. I’m always sorry. Maybe it’s not enough for us to keep being sorry after we hurt each other.”

“What are you saying?” asked Remus, not wanting to hear the answer he knew was coming.

“I can’t do this anymore. You knew that. It’s why you didn’t tell me right away. You knew I couldn’t trust you after something like this.”

After a moment, Remus nodded. There were silent tears streaming down both of their faces. They sat in silence for quite a long time. They were close, but not touching. The little distance between them seemed completely insurmountable.


	37. Fix and Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relationships, sobriety, wars, lives. Remus is so young to see so many endings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter is here. I want to thank you all for sticking with me through this story. It's been quite a journey, and a rather intense one at that. I especially want to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment in any way. It has really made this a rewarding experience.
> 
> This story is now officially part one of a two part series, the link to which is now available. The first chapter of the sequel has just been posted so that you can start following that story if you wish. The squeal will skip ahead to the events following Prisoner of Azkaban. While this story has been the story of how everything fell apart, the next one will be the story of how things can be built anew. I hope you will join me on that journey as well.
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings once you get to the end. Thanks again.

He made his way to the back of the bar, keeping his head low. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to try and talk to him. Just get in, get out, get what he needed. There was no time to think. If he allowed himself to think, to feel, he might be paralyzed forever.

“Remi! Haven’t seen you around here in ages,” called out Maddy from behind the bar. 

He stopped in his tracks, sighing deeply. He turned around and walked over to her, plastering a smile onto his face.

“Hi Maddy. I like the new hair color,” he said, nodding towards her bright green spiky hairstyle.

“Aw, thanks!” she responded loudly over the music.

She had already grabbed a glass and was pouring a generous amount of vodka into it. She slid the drink over to him without bothering to ask if he wanted it.

“On the house,” she said with a wink. "You bring your hot boyfriend tonight?"

He stared down at the glass, feeling the weight of it in his hand. More than four months clean. Even longer than that since his last drink. He gripped the glass but did not bring it to his lips. That wasn’t what he had come here for. 

“He's busy tonight. You seen Jack around?” he asked Maddy.

She grimaced at the name. She’d never been a big fan of Jack. He was a little too friendly with her. Still, he provided a service that she and many of the patrons benefited from. She pointed in the direction of the bathrooms. Remus nodded his thanks and headed to where she indicated, leaving the drink behind.

He rounded the corner and came face to face with Jack leaning casually against the wall just outside the men’s room. He stood up straight and opened his arms in a friendly gesture when he spotted Remus.

“Hey, man, long time no see,” he said in his cockney accent. “I was starting to think you’d left me for another man.”

“Very funny,” Remus deadpanned. “Can we just get this done?” 

“Alright mate, you’re clearly in a shit mood but no need to be rude about it.”

Remus just stared expectantly. He had no desire to engage in banter. He just wanted to get out quickly.

“Fine. You after some H, I assume?” asked Jack.

Remus nodded. Jack reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small plastic baggie containing brown powder. He handed it over to Remus, who passed over cash in return. Jack had opened up his mouth to make some quip or another, but Remus turned and walked back out into the bar before he could get a word out. 

He gave Maddy a quick wave as he passed and made his way outside without another word to anyone. He disappeared into the nearby alleyway, from which a loud crack was heard only moments later.

He could barley bring himself to cross the threshold into his- no, _Sirius’_ \- empty flat. This was not his home anymore. He had until he left for his mission in three days to pack his things, ready to move out as soon as he returned from Annabelle's commune. He had no idea where he was supposed to go.

He stepped inside, flicking on the light and gathering all the gear he needed. He tried not to hesitate. There were a million thoughts all swirling through his brain and he was doing everything in his power not to grab hold of a single one of them.

As Remus laid out the sheet of foil he saw Marlene roll her eyes at him, flashing a sardonic smirk his way and calling him an idiot. 

As he sprinkled the powder he saw a glimpse of a possible future, back in the worst of the packs he’d been to, only this time it wasn't a mission, it was his life. 

As he lifted the foil and grabbed his lighter, he saw James and Peter slamming doors in his face, telling him he was dead to them. 

As he reached for the piece of paper he rolled up into a straw, his hands were bright red, coated in Oliver’s blood. ‘Run,’ he mouthed, only this time it was Lyall who lay dying in front of him.

As he inhaled the smoke, he heard Sirius repeating again and again, ‘I can't do this anymore.’

And then, slowly, it all faded away. He thought of nothing. He floated somewhere high above it all, peaceful, warm.

He didn’t remember passing out, but when he woke up sun was streaming in through the window. His mouth and head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. It had been a long time since he’d been knocked out so quickly and so thoroughly. He realized his tolerance was likely not what it used to be and he hadn’t adjusted for that. He thought he would feel okay about this. It's not like he had a life left that was worth being sober for. He'd ruined all that. Still, he felt that shame deep inside him that was an oh so familiar companion.

It took a while for him to register the high-pitched ringing that was piercing his brain. At first he thought it was coming from inside his head, until he realized it was actually the phone. There was only one person that could be, and it was unlike Lily to use the phone unless it was urgent. He desperately didn’t want to talk, but he was honestly surprised that anyone was reaching out. She must know what he’d done by now. She must hate him for it. They were all going to hate him for it. What could she possibly have to say to him?

Remus hauled himself up, almost doubling over and throwing up before he could fully get to his feet. He stumbled over to the wall where the phone sat in its holder. He was unsteady on his feet. He grabbed hold of it with shaky hands.

“Remus! This is the fifth time I’ve called this morning, I was going out of my mind,” she said, and he could hear her tension even over the phone. “Remi, love…” Lily trailed off. “I don’t know what to say. The timing of it all, it’s just too much.”

“S’alright, Lil,” he said with a slight slur, still groggy and a little out of it. “I’m the one who fucked up, it’s not your problem.”

“That’s not why I’m calling,” she said hesitantly. “Remus, you sound- are you… I know things are bad right now but if you’ve… if you’re struggling, I understand, but I need you to get it together. You can’t do this right now. We need you, alright? Me, James, and Harry. You’ve got to clean yourself up because Dumbledore is coming to the house tomorrow for a meeting and we want you to be here,” she said, sounding on the verge of tears by the end.

Remus sat up straighter, suddenly very alert as he felt his insides go cold. If Dumbledore wanted to meet with them, it was unlikely to be anything good.

“What’s happened?” he asked urgently.

“It’s Harry. Voldemort is after Harry. I can’t explain it over the phone, but you need to be here tomorrow, alright? You’ve worked so hard these last few months, please don’t let this get out of control. Not now. I can’t handle it-”

“Hey, Lily, it’s okay. I’m alright. I’ll be there, I promise. I can come now,” he offered, already getting up to his feet.

“No! No, thank you, I wish you could, it’s just… It’s best if you come tomorrow for the meeting.”

“Oh. Of course, with Sirius there…” 

“Yeah. He knows you'll be here tomorrow. He just needs some space,” she said sadly.

There was an awkward pause. Remus twirled the phone cord around his finger anxiously.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he said lamely.

“Good. At noon.” She paused a moment. “I love you, Remi.”

“I love you too, Lil. It’s going to be okay.”

The phone clicked and Remus stood there, just listening to the dial tone play out. Harry. Voldemort was after Harry. It didn’t make any sense. He was just a baby. What could the most powerful dark wizard in the world want with a sweet little baby? It was absurd.

The phone slipped out of his hand and swung into the wall with a clatter. His whole body was starting to feel weak and numb. The all too familiar sensation that he might be dreaming a horrible dream washed over him and his breathing came in short, sharp bursts.

How much more did they all have to endure?

How could he have let himself fuck up so badly?

He looked over to the coffee table where the remnants of his failure sat out in the open. Lily knew. She had heard it in his voice. She had called him because she needed him and he had only been able to show her how weak he was. Stupid. Fucking stupid and selfish. After everything they'd all done to help him get clean. After everything he'd put them through.

He strode quickly to the coffee table and grabbed the remaining heroin, then made his way purposely to the kitchen. He opened up the baggie and tipped the contents into the sink before turning on the tap and watching it all wash down the drain.

It was just a slip. A mistake. He could do this. He could get his shit together and be there for his friends. His family.

Even if it meant having to face Sirius again. Having to face the pain he'd caused.

Remus was the last of them to arrive at Godric’s Hollow. The only one they were waiting on was Dumbledore, though he had hoped the meeting would already have started by the time he got there. 

When he stepped out of the fireplace, the whole room was silent. James and Lily were sat on the couch with Harry between them, both holding him tight. They seemed jumpy. On edge. He didn’t blame them.

Remus hadn’t slept a wink. That fear, that all encompassing fear, was the only thing that had managed to penetrate the numb void that had descended upon him. He could only imagine how James and Lily must be feeling.

He felt himself stop breathing as he caught Sirius’ eye. He was standing in the kitchen next to Peter, who leaned over and whispered something in his ear before looking over at Remus. Sirius smirked bitterly. James and Lily were both looking between them, as if worried they were going to start dueling. The tense silence was finally broken by Harry, who yelled out “Hi Moo” a couple of times while waving his hand up and down at him. He was just starting to learn names, but not enough to get both syllables of his nickname out.

“Hi Harry,” Remus said awkwardly, waving back.

Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically from the kitchen. “Yell out when Dumbledore’s here,” he said to James before heading upstairs without acknowledging Remus.

Remus stood there uncomfortably, not really knowing what to do with himself. He hadn’t spoken to any of them about what had happened, but it was obvious they all knew. Truth was, he had no idea why James would even want him there. He was sure that was all Lily’s doing. She was a far more forgiving person than he deserved. 

After a moment, James stood up. “Don’t you dare try and sneak off before we get a chance to talk,” he said to Remus with a grimace. He gave Harry’s shoulder a small squeeze before heading upstairs after Sirius. 

Peter turned around and busied himself with making tea, not offering any sort of greeting. Lily looked up at him sadly for a moment before patting the spot next to her on the couch. She grabbed Harry and put him on the ground. 

“Sweetheart, why don’t you go help Uncle Wormy make some tea?” she said gently. 

He obviously didn’t understand, but when she turned him around in Peter’s direction and gave him a small pat on the back, he happily waddled off. Peter smiled down at him as he arrived, clutching at his pants. He lifted him up and started talking to him quietly about different kinds of tea, still not looking in Remus’ direction. 

Remus sat down beside Lily. He was stiff, uncertain. He was completely caught off guard when she hugged him. After she broke away, he looked at her blankly.

“How are you holding up, love?” she asked quietly. 

He didn’t even know how to answer. In the last day since Lily’s call he had been doing exactly what Sirius had asked him to do. Packing up his possessions. Removing all signs of himself from the place that had been their home.

When he wasn’t packing, he was likely on the terrace smoking, staring down at the pavement below and wondering if his future held anything worth sticking around for. He wasn’t distraught. He wasn’t panicked, or sad. He was just empty. Completely empty. He’d ruined everything and there was nothing he could do to change it, but he had things to pack and a mission to prepare for.

He had friends who needed him to be functional. Who had more to lose than he ever had. He kept picturing Marlene’s funeral. He kept picturing the Potter’s lying along side their other fallen friends.

“I’m fine, Lily. How are you? What is Dumbledore doing to keep you safe?” he asked with some urgency.

“It’s okay, Remi. He has a plan. We’re going to be safe. He should be here soon to discuss it. We wanted you all here, to be a part of this,” she said reassuringly, though he could still hear the fear that lingered beneath her calm words.

“We?” he asked skeptically.

“We as in James too. I know what’s going through your head, and you need to stop it now. We love you and you’re a part of this. I won’t pretend it’s not hard and at some point I would very much like to hear what you could possibly have been thinking to do what you did because I really don’t understand… But we’ve lost too many people. I can’t handle it if you start pulling away, alright? I need you here,” she said, anxiety creeping into her voice. “You have to keep it together and we have to be here for each other, all of us. Harry needs us-”

“Hey, Lil, it’s okay,” said Remus, pulling her into a hug as she started to slip into a full-blown rant. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere."

Peter looked over at them from the kitchen, Harry still in his arms. He was quiet. Thoughtful. He held Harry very tightly. He looked away again as Lily pulled back, wiping under her eyes, a little calmer.

“You look a complete mess,” she said, changing the subject. “When was the last time you slept? Or ate?” She paused a moment. “When we talked on the phone... Remi, how long has that been going on? Sirius said you were clean when you... I mean, it's been months. I thought you were handling it. Even after Marley and Dory you seemed to be in control,” she said, tearing up just a little at the mention of their friends.

He was acutely aware of Peter listening from a distance, even as they kept their voices low. He didn’t blame Peter for not wanting to speak to him, but he knew that anything he said would be reported back to Sirius.

“Lil, I was just tired yesterday, alright? Nothing else. You don’t have to worry about me,” he said, taking her hand.

She stared at him a moment. Her face fell and she gripped his hand tighter.

“You’re lying. You just don’t want to upset me.”

He looked down. He hesitated for a moment, then sighed. “It was a one time thing. It all just got a bit much. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

She reached up and put her hand on his cheek. “Oh, love. We’re going to make it out the other side of this. All of us. Somehow,” she said gently, to herself as much as him.

He stood up. It was all just too much in that moment. Her warmth, her affection, her fear. The longer he sat with her, the harder it was to keep it all down.

“Bathroom,” he muttered by way of excuse.

She seemed to understand and didn’t question him as he made his way to the stairs. He glanced at Peter as he walked. They locked eyes for only a second before Peter looked away. He tried not be too hurt. 

By the time he was up the stairs he felt like his head was spinning. He made his way to the bathroom, hoping to splash some cold water on his face and try to catch his breath a little. As he made his way up the hall, he overheard voices coming from the spare room, where Sirius was undoubtedly staying.

He could hear James speaking in hushed tones, followed by Sirius, who seemed to have little regard for his volume. He paused as he got close enough to make out the words. He knew he should walk away, but he felt frozen in place at what came out of Sirius’ mouth.

“I told you he shouldn’t be here,” hissed Sirius. “Peter agrees with me. Who knows what else he’s been lying about!”

“You’re being paranoid, Pads. I get that you’re angry and you have every right, but this is Moony we’re talking about,” whispered James.

“You don’t even know the half of it, Prongs. The people he’s been associating with, I think it’s getting in his head. Why did you even need him here? I thought you were on my side!”

“Of course I’m on your side. If you want me to tell him he’s a selfish git for what he did then fine, but he’s still a Marauder. This, what’s happening right now to my family, is too big. I need you with me. _All of you_. I get that you’re hurt but you’re starting to sound deranged and I need you to put your breakdown on hold until I know that Harry and Lily are safe,” said James sternly.

There was a pause. Remus could feel his heart racing.

“Fine. We can talk about this later,” said Sirius.

He heard the footsteps coming towards the door and snapped out of his daze. He raced to get to the bathroom in time, but he had only managed to get the door half opened when Sirius burst out into the hallway. He gripped the handle and squeezed his eyes closed tightly for a moment.

Sirius stopped abruptly when he saw Remus standing with his back to him. After a second Remus turned around. They stared at each other. James appeared over Sirius’ shoulder, a few steps back. He watched on tensely.

Sirius looked as if he were about to speak. To level some accusation or defamation. 

After a beat he just shook his head and left, making his way back down the stairs. James stayed in the doorway, looking over at Remus with an expression that he couldn’t figure out. When he spoke, it seemed forced. Stiff.

“He’s angry. He doesn’t mean half of what he says,” said James, not even bothering to ask if Remus had overheard.

“And the other half?” asked Remus.

“The other half you absolutely fucking deserve.”

Remus folded his arms over his chest, leaning back against the doorframe behind him. 

“I know,” he said softly.

“Do you? You’re supposed to love him. I don’t understand. Why would you do that to him?” asked James, and he sounded genuinely lost.

“I do love him. I don’t… I don’t know why I do most of what I do,” said Remus, shaking his head helplessly. 

“Yeah, that much is bloody obvious.” James ran his hands through his hair a few times. It was a complete mess. He’d obviously been repeating the action all day. “Your timing couldn’t be worse. I’m pissed at you but the current circumstances dictate I have to tell you I love you and need your support, so it’s hard to do what I should be doing to make you suffer right now.”

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t need anyone’s help but my own to suffer immensely,” he joked, though his tone was hollow.

James stepped forward until he was standing right in front of Remus. 

“Promise me one thing,” he said very seriously. Remus nodded. “Don’t try to top yourself. I know that's not very tactful of me but I really don't have the time or energy to dance around this. Whatever stuff is going through that messed up head of yours, you are staying with us. I’m not burying another friend, even if he is a self-destructive idiot. Do you hear me?” asked James forcefully, taking half a step closer and jabbing his finger at Remus' chest.

Remus nodded, not knowing how else to respond. He couldn’t even bring himself to offer a denial, a reassuring white lie that the thought had never crossed his mind.

“Say it. Say you promise.”

“I promise,” whispered Remus.

James nodded. He moved like he was about to walk away, but he paused. He reached out and pulled Remus into a brief but tight hug. “I’m still furious at you,” he whispered. Remus just hugged back. James pulled away, heading for the stairs. When he was at the top of the stairway, Remus called out. James turned his head, listening.

“It’s going to be okay, Prongs. Lily, Harry, you. You’re going to make it through this.”

James nodded, then headed down the stairs.

They were all gathered in the living room as Dumbledore explained the situation. Lily, James, Sirius, and Harry were all piled onto the couch while Peter took the armchair. Remus was standing back a bit, arms folded, careful to keep his eyes on Dumbledore and away from Sirius.

A few times he thought he’d noticed Dumbledore’s eyes flicking between Sirius and himself with interest, but he made no comment.

They all listened intently as Dumbledore explained the details of the plan. The Fidelius Charm. Remus had heard of it. It was what protected Order headquarters. He had no idea just how much went into making it happen until now. At the moment, the Potter house was guarded by several high ranking Order members using incredibly powerful magic, including Dumbledore himself. As soon as the charm was complete, they would no longer need so much of the Order’s resources. More importantly, they would only have to rely on a single trusted person to keep them safe, reducing the chances of information leaking to Voldemort.

This is the part where the conversation started to get tense.

“As I have previously stated,” said Dumbledore pointedly, “I am more than willing to take the role of your secret keeper.”

“No,” said James firmly. “We appreciate the offer, Professor. Truly. We are going to stick with the plan we’ve discussed.”

Sirius put his arm around James protectively, a look of fierce determination on his face. Remus’ eyes widened as he realized what was happening.

“It’s going to be you?” Remus asked Sirius in shock, speaking before he could stop himself.

The whole room turned to face him. This was the first time he had spoken since coming back downstairs.

Sirius was staring daggers at him. “Of course it is. Do you think I shouldn’t protect them?” he asked furiously, eyes narrowed.

“No- I- I only meant...” Remus took a breath, acutely aware of all their eyes on him. “They’ll come after you. You’re the first person the Death Eaters will look at-”

“Let them. I’ll die before they get to Harry,” spat Sirius.

“Nobody is going to die!” snapped Lily. 

“Sirius will have his own protections,” assured Dumbledore calmly.

“Not that it’s your business anymore,” said Sirius coldly.

Remus didn’t respond. He stared down at his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets. The room was silent for a moment before Dumbledore spoke again.

“James and Lily have insisted that all of you be a part of this. It is imperative, given the danger that you all face as known friends,” he said looking at Remus, Sirius, and Peter in turn, “that you are all acting with the utmost caution. I cannot overstate the seriousness of this situation. Now is not the time to be rash. Now is not the time to be divided,” he finished.

The three of them glanced at each other quickly before looking back at Dumbledore and nodding. 

The meeting ended soon after. With the plans in place, the Fidelius Charm set to be performed in just a few days, there was nothing more for them to do in the moment. Dumbledore said his goodbyes and departed with Order business to attend to. Remus would be seeing him again in only twelve hours to prepare for the mission and finalize the details of their approach with Annabelle.

It felt so wrong. Leaving them like this, in such an uncertain, frightening time. He also couldn’t stay. Not while Sirius was there. Sirius wanted him out of his life and he had no right to force his presence on him now.

He approached James and Lily to say his goodbyes. He knelt down in front of Harry first and gave the increasingly sleepy boy a gentle hug and kiss on the top of his head. He then turned his attention to his parents.

“I have to go. I have a mission to prepare for,” he said.

“Of course,” said Lily, pulling him into a warm embrace.

When he pulled away he looked at them both a little desperately. He didn’t pay any attention to Sirius and Peter, who had once again separated themselves in the kitchen and were watching the exchange.

“I don’t have to go on the mission. I can stay. Join the others outside to help keep guard,” he offered, wanting to do anything other than leave them.

“Dumbledore wouldn’t be sending you away right now if it wasn’t important,” reasoned James. “We’ll be okay, Moony. You heard the plan. It’s all going to be okay. The mission always comes first, we understand that.”

Remus nodded. James hesitated a second, flicking a guilty glance towards Sirius before following Lily’s lead and hugging Remus. They held each other very tightly for just a few moments before separating.

The three of them exchanged goodbyes. Remus made his way to the fireplace, grabbing a handful of Flu Powder. He threw it in and stated the address of the flat. He was just about to step in when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

He turned around and came face to face with Sirius.

They stood there awkwardly in the green light. Sirius seemed to be trying to formulate words. Like he had a thousand things to say but couldn’t find a way to say them. Remus just waited.

“Look after yourself out there,” he said eventually.

His tone was a little begrudging. Quiet. Uncomfortable. Laced with hurt and fear and all the things Sirius always tried so hard not to show beneath that seemingly boundless reserve of anger. Underneath it all was something Remus recognized, seeing the first glimmer of it since stepping into the house. 

There was love.

It was hard to see it through all the mess that lay between them, but it was there. It was still there and Remus felt the tiniest hint of hope.

“You too,” replied Remus.

Sirius nodded a single nod before turning away. Remus stepped into the flames.

The mission went better than he anticipated. Annabelle had been almost amused when he had first returned and revealed his true purpose to her. She didn’t seem interested in Dumbledore’s proposal, but she was interested in the situation. She allowed Remus to stay, agreeing to hear him out with no promises for the future. All this on the condition that he would stay in a room in the main section of the compound where she stayed. He was not to interact with the other members of the community under any circumstances. She didn’t want him spreading his ideas.

He didn’t see Andy. He didn’t know if he was glad for that or not.

They were a week and a half into the whole ordeal and she had finally agreed to meet with Dumbledore personally. It had taken no small effort to get her to agree, and the effort had revolved more around appealing to her curiosity than her concern for the cause.

The meeting was set. 

Remus was caught off guard when Dumbledore showed up outside his temporary bedroom with a soft knock at the door, two days early.

The second he opened it and saw the look on the Headmaster’s face, Remus felt his stomach drop and his heart flutter violently.

He could not place Dumbledore's expression. It was unlike anything he had ever seen on the man. Something about it had every instinct in Remus screaming at him to slam the door in his face. To not hear whatever words were about to come next.

“You’re early,” said Remus. “Why are you early?”

“I have come to tell you that this mission is no longer necessary. The war is over, Remus. Voldemort is gone,” said Dumbledore, and Remus felt something rise up inside of him. The war was over. This is what they had been fighting for. This is what they had been dying for. So why did Dumbledore sound so thoroughly, overwhelmingly tired? 

He’d never heard him sound tired like this in all the years he’d known him. Remus didn’t ask questions. He simply stared on, waiting for Dumbledore to explain. He didn’t understand. How could it be over just like that? Why would he come to tell Remus that personally?

“Remus,” said Dumbledore, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I'm afraid..." he faltered. He had never heard him falter before. "I'm afraid I have something to tell you.”

**Author's Note:**

> All comments are super appreciated, no matter how small!


End file.
